As I made my way there I saw for the first time the places my files went to after they had gone from my hatch. Here they were on peoples desks, their precious contents spread out between the stapler and the telephone, coffee cups precariously balanced next to them.
No wonder they came back crumpled sometimes. No wonder they got dirty. Then I was there. Personal painted in three inch white letters across the door. I knocked hesitantly.
Receptionist
Come in.
Simon
You wanted me?
Receptionist.
Are you the man from filing?
Simon
Yes.
Receptionist.
Take a seat will you. I’ll tell you when you can go in.
Narration.
I did as instructed and looked around this edifice of company management. The receptionist was a thin lipped woman with a neat suit. She sat behind her type writer and looked suspiciously at me over half moon glasses. I felt very small sitting there as the huge cogs of business spun around beyond my control. A loud buzzer interrupted my thoughts.
Receptionist
You can go in now…
Narration
Her beady eyes followed me across the room and I saw the end of her nose tweak slightly as I passed her. Entering the other room I found a large woman sitting behind an even larger desk.
She was wearing a tweed twinset and a string of pearls. Her hair pulled viciously back from her face giving her a severe look. She smiled crookedly for a moment and gestured for me to sit.
She was reading a file, one of my files and every now and then her eyes rose from the page and surveyed me slowly. I could read her mind, I got the distinct impression that she didn’t like what she saw.
Miss Robertson
It’s Simon?
Simon
Yes.
Miss Robertson
You’ve been with us for some time?
Simon
Yes.
Miss Robertson
Is there anything you would like to discuss with me?
Simon
You called me here.
Miss Robertson
I know. We were wondering if you had anything you needed to talk about, you know, family problems?
Simon
No, I don’t think so.
Miss Robertson
Do you live alone?
Simon
Yes, well, no.
Miss Robertson
You don’t live alone?
Simon
No, not at the moment.
Miss Robertson
Who do you live with?
Simon
I have a couple of friends staying at present and my dad is hanging around.
Miss Robertson
Oh, a full house.
Simon
You could say that.
Miss Robertson
Good, it’s nice to have friends.
Simon
Yes.
Miss Robertson
Let me be frank Simon. Have your friends or your father mentioned anything about your personal hygiene recently?
Simon
No, why should they have?
Miss Robertson
Let’s just say that recently there have been complaints. This is difficult for me to bring to your attention and I’m sure it’s embarrassing for you too.
You have been with us for some time and as a valued member of staff I would hate to have to make this issue final.
Simon
What sort of complaints?
Miss Robertson
Well frankly Simon, your overall appearance has declined over the past few weeks and people have noticed. They have also mentioned the smell.
Simon
The smell?
Miss Robertson
Yes Simon, now what is going on?
Simon
I suppose it doesn’t help because Paul is hogging the bathroom.
Miss Robertson
And you are worried about being late in the morning. Well you’ll have to get up a little earlier and get in the bathroom first.
Simon
Get up earlier?
Miss Robertson
And who does your laundry?
Simon
I do usually, but recently I’ve not…
Miss Robertson
Having to look after old Dad eh? I know elderly parents can be a terrible strain for siblings and we understand, we really do.
Now that we have had a little chat I hope too see an improvement in your overall appearance. I’ll make a note to say that you have agreed to get up earlier and that you will make an effort to do better. Okay?
Simon
Of course.
Miss Robertson
This week?
Simon
Yes, this week.
Miss Robertson
Good. Now Simon listen very carefully to what I am going to say, okay?
Simon
Yes?
Miss Robertson
This is what we call a verbal warning, do you understand. It’s what you get before you get a written warning and that’s what you get before you get the sack.
So it is important that things improve. I can sack you without giving you a written warning if the situation deteriorates to such a degree that we feel nothing else can be done. You understand do you?
Simon
Yes.
Miss Robertson
Tell me Simon, have you got a drug problem? I only ask because you look miles away, your eyes are glazed and I am sure this conversation is going over your head.
Have you a drug problem or not?
Simon
Not. It might be Paul’s vodka, I don’t drink alcohol really but recently I’ve had it in the flat, and beer, perhaps that’s it?
Miss Robertson
We all turn to something when life is getting us down, I’d be the last person to complain if you hit the bottle, especially with elderly parent to look after.
But we have to be stronger, drink isn’t the answer Simon; not if you want to keep your job.
Simon
I want to keep my job.
Miss Robertson
Good, let’s hope you can improve things quickly. I will be paying particular attention to you from now on Simon; okay. Close the door on your way out please.
SCENE 14 INT NIGHT
(We find ourselves climbing the stairs back at Simon’s home)
Narration
That was that, people had complained that I smelt; what a nerve people have. Talking behind my back like I was the smelliest, dirtiest creature to ever crawl out of the swamp. I know I’d not shaved for a few days and my underpants were a bit stained and perhaps the ketchup on my shirt was a little scruffy; but please, I care about these things.
So the last thing I needed when I climbed the stairs to my flat after a long day at work was Mrs Penly..
Mrs Penly
I’ve been waiting for you, young man.
Simon
Hello Mrs Penly, what can I do for you?
Mrs Penly
Have you spoken to your father yet?
Simon
(Unlocking his flat door) Spoken to my father?
Mrs Penly
Yes dear, about the smell. It’s effing awful. Making me feel sick it is. I can smell it everywhere..
Simon
Not yet, it’s a bit awkward.
Mrs Penly
I know it’s difficult to discuss how much someone stinks but dear, he’d appreciate it in the long run, no one wants to smell like that. It’s not right. Is he there at the moment?
Simon
He might be.
Mrs Penly
Cor Blimey. It certainly smells like he is, here open the door so I can have a word with him.
(She banged on Simon’s front door with her walking stick.)
Are you in there old man. Come out you dirty old bugger. I want a word with you.<
br />
Simon
Look, don’t do that.
Mrs Penly
I’ll do worse, I can’t stand it no longer, it’s making me ill I tell you. Come out you dirty rascal. You smelly old git, come out here.
Simon
Please, can you quieten down, you are causing a scene. The people downstairs may hear..
Mrs Penly
I don’t care if they do, it’s not right I tell you. Come out you stinking bastard, I want a word with you. He has to be told, you know.
Simon
Can’t you wait, I’ll deal with it tonight, I promise, let me get in from work and I’ll make sure it’s dealt with straight away.
Mrs Penly
I’m not putting up with it for a minute longer, now get out the way young man before I do you with my stick. (She barges past him into the flat) Where are you, you dirty sod..
(She stops in her tracks and looks around the room. The flies and disorder throw her thoughts for a second and her jaw drops. She sees Brian’s body in the armchair and through her limited vision thinks it’s Simon’s father.)
Is that you Old man. Oh, Jesus…
Narration
I knew it was a bad idea for Mrs Penly to invite herself in but I didn’t have a choice in the end. Then she was sitting on the sofa with my neck tie around her throat, her false teeth hanging from her mouth.
I noticed she had a thick vein throbbing on her forehead and the throb appeared to be getting slower and slower; then it stopped.
I picked her walking stick up and put it in her hands, She looked better with it; more relaxed. I took my coat off and closed my front door leaving her and Brian to get to know each other.
Simon
Who wants a cup of tea? You can sit there if you want Mrs Penly even though it’s where I normally sit; still, if you are comfortable…
Narration
It was nice having Mrs Penly to stay, a bit like having mum back. When we were all watching television that night I curled up beside her and put my head on her lap. She smelt just like my Nan used to smell, a bit like wet digestive biscuits and wall-paper paste.
That night was really relaxed even though it had been a bit tiresome at work. I felt that I could put all that behind me and thought about how as a child I used to curl up on mums lap in front of the fire on cold winter’s evenings.
Dad beside us on the armchair.
It was just like the old days.
Mrs Penly hadn’t drunk the tea I’d made her when I got up the following morning and she did seem to be a little cold when I kissed her good bye before going to work. I got a blanket for her from the bed room and put the fire on. Old people feel the cold.
When I locked my front door I noticed she had left her front door open. I hadn’t see a key on her and guessed that she had probably left it in her flat. I wasn’t sure weather to lock her front door or go in and look for the key first. I felt a little uncomfortable doing that so instead I put her latch on and pulled the door closed.
There, I thought, just in case she wants to pop home during the day to get her glasses.
SCENE 15 INT DAY
(At office)
Narration
I got to the filing room that morning a little later then usual but all that pondering about Mrs Penly’s door had thrown me a bit. I hung my coat behind the door and got ready for the first request to appear at the hatch. There was never much for me to do in the morning so I sat at my table and thought about the way things had turned out. Paul coming to stay, then Brian and now Mrs Penly, My social network was really expanding and all in a couple of weeks, I wonder what Brian’s auntie would have said about that?
Mrs Boggin
Excuse me Simon?
Simon
Oh, Mrs Boggin, I was miles away.
Mrs Boggin
I could see. Do you always park yourself there as soon as you arrive in the morning?
Simon
Yes, how did you know?
Mrs Boggin
Let’s say an informed guess.
Simon
How very clever you are.
Mrs Boggin
Hmm quite. Anyway, you’re wanted again in personal.
Simon
I’m getting so popular; I was only up there last week. Miss Robertson is it?
Miss Boggin
That’s the one.
Simon
What about the files?
Miss Boggin
I’m doing that today.
Simon
Oh, okay then, I’ll see you in a few minutes.
Miss Boggin
You had better take your coat, just in case.
(She pulls a strained face.)
Simon
Right, okay then.
Miss Boggin
You never know.
SCENE 16 EXT DAY
(Simon is walking through the street)
Narration
I never expected to lose my job; not after being there for so long but as Mum used to say, nothing lasts forever. I didn’t go straight home that day preferring to walk through the town to collect my thoughts.
There were people everywhere and I felt very alone. Sometimes they would look at me and shy away; others would just give me very odd looks indeed; none of them knew how popular I really was.
That’s really when I realised that I have the gift of making friends, in the cold, unfriendly, lonely place they call London I’d really cracked it.
I knew the secret to making buddies and keeping them. It was something that made me happy. I climbed the stairs to my rooms at the end of the day feeling jubilant.
SCENE 17 INT NIGHT
Narration
My friends were there to greet me on my return, Brian was looking happy now that Mrs Penly was keeping him company, Paul was in the Bath and Daddy was, well somewhere.
Simon
Hello everyone, Mrs Penly, have you had a good day? Has Brian told you all about his auntie? I suppose Daddy has been entertaining you all? Especially as you and he are of a similar age, eh, Mrs P?
I’ve been sacked, you know, given the boot, shown the door; they gave me my marching orders. Guess why, you’ll never believe it, just because Paul, YES PAUL, wouldn’t get out the bath. Do you hear me in there?
(He goes to the bathroom door)
Do you hear me in there?
(He opens the door furtively and steps into the room. It is a black haze of flies. The smell is so bad he has to put his hand over his nose as he surveys the ghastly remains in the bath.)
That water looks like it needs changing.
(He bends down and pulls the plug chain before recoiling and exiting the bathroom door. Closing it behind him)
Hip, Hip Hooray, everyone, it looks like Paul is finally getting out the bath.
(He was just about to start to clap when there was a sharp rap on the door, he looked towards it like a frightened animal as the rapping rings out again. Then he hears the sound of foot falls going down the stairs.)
Simon
Where was I. Oh, yes, now that Paul has got out the bath I have to get rid of all that horrible mess he has left behind. All that stinking mess in the bath.
Do you remember Daddy how you once told me that when you were in the army you got rid of a terrible old snake by boiling it down? Well, that’s exactly what I’ve got to do. If daddy can do it then so can I.
(He pulls out a large saucepan from a cupboard and places that on the stove and then roots around in a drawer for a sharp knife. Then putting a towel over his nose Simon enters the bathroom with the knife and a pillow case, he places the pillow case over Paul’s head and starts to saw at the neck)
Just like cutting up a dirty old snake.
(Soon the head is dislocated and he carries it to the kitchenette and plops it into the saucepan with some water. This he places on the stove to boil down. He then closes the bathroom door.
The television is on quietly in the backgrou
nd and there is a film of Gracie Fields singing ‘Mother Kelly’s Doorstep’. He smiles at Mrs Penly.)
Oh you like this one don’t you?
‘On mother Kelly’s doorstep
down Paradise Row
There sits little Sally
There sits little Joe
She’s got a hole in her dress
A hole in her shoe
A hole in her throat where a vein pokes through
But Sally’s, the smartest girl in our ally…
SCENE 18 INT DAY
Narration
One Sunday shortly after I’d lost my job we were all watching a film and having a cup of tea; well Brian and Mrs P did not seem interested but I enjoyed mine.
Boris Karloff was on the television and Brian and Mrs P were fascinated, I happened to glance over towards the bathroom door and I could see something moving under the crack at the bottom. Thousands of tiny white things that appeared to be curling, crawling and moving around down there.
The Gift Page 3
