‘Well, yeah, I’ll have to do a bit of cleaning, but as I said, pigs are really clean animals.’
‘So, when mum says that my bedroom is like a pigsty then everything is okay,’ Jamie said with a big grin.
‘No, it’s not,’ Debbie said, ‘Anyway, I think we should all be proud of your dad and wish him well.’
‘Yes, well done, Pops, but I hope this doesn’t mean that bacon and sausages are off the menu.’
‘No way,’ replied Kevin. ‘And I don’t want any wisecracks about me being smelly because I’ll be wearing special work clothes and I’ll be having a shower at the farm before I come home.’
‘Will you be giving them special names, Daddy?’ Leanne asked.
‘I’m not sure about that, Princess, but I did see one that reminded me of Auntie Helen,’ replied Kevin as he swerved away from the playful nudge that was about to be delivered by Debbie.
‘Mum, are you going to tell Auntie Helen about dad’s new job? You know what a snob she is and she’s bound to say something that isn’t very nice,’ Jamie said.
‘Of course I’m going to tell her. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. As I said, I’m proud of your dad.’
‘I hope you’re still saying that when I disturb you tomorrow morning when I get out of bed at half past six, but I’ll be finished at three and I’ve got Saturdays off so I can go to the ‘footy?'.
‘Half past six!’ said a shocked Jamie, ‘that’s the middle of the night. I can’t see why pigs would want to be up so early.’
‘I forgot to mention that I’ll be required to attend shows, apparently one of the pigs is a champion and has won a stack of cups.’
Jamie started having another bout of laughing and when he finally controlled himself he asked a question.
‘Does that mean you’ll be leading porky around an arena like they do with dogs at Crufts?’
‘That’s the idea and I get paid a bonus if any of the pigs wins a prize.’
‘Can I come and see you at one of the shows, Dad?’ Jamie asked. ‘I promise I won’t laugh. Well, I will, but I won’t let you hear me.’
‘Of course you can come. You might even get to like it and who knows you might want to consider it as a career when you finish school. I could pass on all my experience.’
‘I hope you’re joking, Dad, but I know a lad at school who would be well suited to it. The only problem is that the judges at the shows might pin the rosette on Jason Patmore instead of the pig.’
‘Jamie,’ Debbie said in her best reprimanding voice, ‘You shouldn’t say things like that about your school mates. Should he Kevin?’
‘No, he shouldn’t, but if he’s the boy I saw at the school gate once I know what he means.’
Debbie sighed and shook her head. ‘Trust you, to say something like that instead of just telling him off.’
* * *
Jamie was disappointed when he began experiencing problems trying to contact Daniel. The error message on the screen reported ‘Cyber Service Not Operational’ and Jamie wondered if the problem was connected with the system upgrade that Daniel’s granddad had been planning to do. Jamie contented himself with playing some of the games that Daniel had downloaded for him, including a replay of Liverpool's win over Manchester United with ‘Jamie’ replacing Steven Gerrard. Jamie intended to let his dad ‘star’ in a Virtual Football game involving a Liverpool v Everton match, perhaps on his dad's birthday and it would be the best present his dad ever had, because it would be the game that Liverpool hammered their local rivals. Jamie was thinking that perhaps he would arrange for his Uncle Steven to make an appearance as the Everton goalkeeper.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Jamie groaned as he approached his house and saw the large silver BMW which meant that Auntie Helen and drippy Uncle Alistair had arrived. Jamie turned the key in the front door lock as quietly as he could, hoping to creep up to his computer room. He would have succeeded, despite the creaky stairs, if big mouth Leanne hadn’t announced his arrival.
‘Come and say hello, Jamie,’ Debbie shouted from the living room.
Jamie settled for a nod in the direction of Auntie Helen who gave him one of her cheesy smiles. It was as though she had a sort of smile switch that she could flick on and off. Jamie reckoned that had he blinked at the same time that she smiled, if that’s what you could call it, then he would have missed it.
Uncle Alistair stood up and shook his hand and gave his customary greeting. ‘Hello, young man.’
Auntie Helen looked him up and down as if she was about to hire a servant and then declared, ‘He’s still a small boy for his age, must take after Kevin’s side of the family. Of course my father is over six feet tall.’
Debbie was always irritated by her sister’s reference to her father rather than our father. She knew that their father was not much taller than Kevin, but didn’t bother correcting Helen, not wishing to embarrass Jamie any further by prolonging the discussion. Jamie’s embarrassment was not over because Uncle Alistair decided to add his two pennies worth.
‘Of course it’s very important in the corporate sector to be tall. I suppose it’s the America image makers. Most of their senior executives are very tall and I’m fortunate to be over six feet.’
Uncle Alistair or ‘lurch,’ as dad, called him, was built like the proverbial beanpole. Some of the adult members of the family suspected that Auntie Helen had been attracted by his prospects rather than anything else, her being a gold-digger.
‘Jamie you listen to your Uncle,’ Auntie Helen advised and then addressed Debbie, ‘did I mention, Debra, that Alistair is on the shortlist for the deputy MD’s job?’
‘Yes, you told me on the telephone last night,’ Debbie reminded her.
Helen didn’t acknowledge her sister’s reminder and continued, ‘If he does well tonight at the very posh hotel in Newquay and he will of course, then when the result is announced in a few days from now, it will be life changing for us. I will be part of the assessment process because there will be a lot of socialising with Alistair’s new job and the members of the board will want to give me the once over.’
Jamie rolled his eyes skywards and was wishing his dad would hurry home. He usually lost no time in quietening the pair of boasters with the odd cutting comment. Jamie felt certain that he would have something to say about Auntie Helen’s new hairdo or perhaps ask if she was still saving up for a facelift.
‘Where’s, Dad. He’s usually home by now, or did he know that Auntie Helen was coming?’ Jamie said and then realised how rude it sounded. ‘I meant didn’t he know that we had visitors.’
Jamie was saved by the announcement from Leanne that dad had just arrived, but there was a short delay before Kevin made his appearance.
Auntie Helen had already screwed up her nose before Kevin explained to Debbie that there had been a problem with a burst pipe at the farm and the showers didn’t work and so he’d come home in his working clothes.
‘Debora still hasn’t told me what you do exactly, except that it’s something to do with animals.’ Helen said, while eying up Kevin up and down as though he had stood in something smelly and unpleasant.
‘Well, I do lots of different things really, but I suppose my job description would say that I muck out the pigs.’
Auntie Helen’s favourite look of disapproval appeared and then she smiled before she said, ‘Kevin, surely even you can do better than that. I have always said that those who are not prepared to make the sacrifices, like my Alistair did when he was young, will suffer later and end up doing a mundane job.’
Kevin smiled, ‘Hello Alistair, I didn’t see you there. I hope you’re still taking my advice and not walking over any grids. Remind me to let you have some sausages before you leave. I don’t expect you’ve had a proper meal in a long time.’
Alistair gave a weak smile, ‘Hello, Kevin. Actually Helen and I have become vegetarians, but thank you for the offer.’
‘Well I hope that you’ll start eating pork
again now that my livelihood depends on it.’
Alistair didn’t reply and there followed an embarrassed silence before Kevin gave a few exaggerated sniffs and then said, ‘I’d better go and get cleaned up before Helen passes out.’
Within a few minutes of Kevin leaving Helen gave a long look at her watch and then turned to Debbie. ‘Actually, Debra, I think we ought to be making a move in case we hit traffic. I was going to suggest that perhaps we stayed over here on our way back, but I can see it would be cramped. As you know our house is huge which is why I wouldn’t want to move into a smaller property, even if it was detached. There’s something about the older semis like ours that were built for rich merchants.’
Helen asked Alistair to fetch her coat and then turned to address her sister again, ‘So, Debra, we’ll be off on the journey that will likely change our lives forever.’
By the time Kevin returned to the lounge rubbing a towel through his curly hair, Helen and Alistair had left.
‘What was all that commotion I heard as they were leaving?’ Kevin asked.
Jamie grinned before he answered, ‘Auntie Helen stepped on one of your wellies that you’d left near the front door. There was only a little bit of the farmyard on her shoe, but she insisted on Uncle Alistair getting another pair of shoes out of the boot of their car.’
‘Oh dear,’ Kevin said and then the room was filled with laughter. Debbie had tried to resist, but had soon joined in.
Debbie explained her sister’s hopes to Kevin and ended by saying. ‘So, if Alistair does well tonight and he gets the new job she really will become unbearable then with her boasting. I know she’s my sister, but she’s such a snob.’
Jamie left his mum and dad laughing about Auntie Helen and made his way upstairs, intending to have another attempt at contacting Daniel. Within seconds he was raising his hand above his head and letting out a loud shout of, ‘Yes’ when he saw the familiar logo that declared Cyberspace Connected and he heard Daniel’s voice.
‘Hello, Jamie. Sorry about the recent malfunction, but there were a few technical problems following the system upgrade, but all is well now. How is your system performing?’
‘Hi, Daniel, everything is great and the performance is just awesome. I’m looking forward to playing some more games now that my Aunt Helen’s left. Remember me telling you that she’s a bit of a pain.’
‘Perhaps your Aunt Helen was born at a time when there was a tropical storm in the galaxy. Do you know when she was born?’
‘I know it was in September and the date is close to mine which is on the 14th, but that’s all we have in common. She’s about two years older than my mum and so she must be about thirty eight.’
‘Well her personality has nothing to do with a weather storm in the galaxy,’ said Daniel and then explained that he had done a search covering two years either side of her likely birthday. He then asked Jamie to explain why she annoyed him.
‘She’s selfish, critical and boastful and so different to my mum. And if her husband gets his promotion my mum thinks Auntie Helen will become unbearable. They’ll both do so much creeping at this posh do tonight to make sure he gets the job. Anyway, enough about my Auntie, the She Devil.’
He was about to ask Daniel if he believed in all that rubbish about fortune telling and the stars when Daniel announced that he needed to sign off.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Helen Martin had made sure that they were ready in plenty of time to enable them to be amongst the first guests to assemble in the magnificent reception room of the Hotel Excelsior. The hotel had recently been refurbished after being taken over by Merrel’s the giant American hotel chain and it was the only five star hotel in the South West of England and a match for any in Europe. Helen’s eyes had lit up with delight when she had arrived and admired the oak panels, chandeliers and discreet marble pillars in the entrance area. The décor and fittings were of the highest quality and Alistair had said that it would be a long time before the hotel would recoup the massive outlay spent on the refurbishment.
Even Kevin would have to have admitted that Helen suited the long purple satin dress which hugged her slim figure. The usually stern face was relaxed, but slightly flushed as she felt the buzz of the forthcoming proceedings. She knew Alistair was a drip and it was only his father’s contacts and her drive that had got him this far and now he was close to ensuring that they would be rich beyond her wildest dreams. The position that Alistair was in line for was all about making important contacts and socialising rather than having any special ability. In any event she would compensate for her husband’s deficiencies, just like she had done all their married life. She had studied the profiles of all the important members of the company and she had no trouble recognising the man who was approaching them and had no need to ask Alistair for confirmation that it was indeed, Mr Mogg, the Managing Director. She would have met him before now if Alistair hadn’t needed to be hospitalised just before the last planned meeting, the result of his crashing into the wall during a game of squash. It wouldn’t have happened if he had followed her instructions and let the board member he was playing win. He wasn’t meant to try that hard and she hadn’t been sympathetic when he offered the excuse that he wanted to make his performance look genuine.
Ernest Mogg was sixty two years old, overweight and with a large nose and baggy eyes and despite his wealth he had a rather cheap and obvious looking hairpiece that looked as though it might blow off in the wind. He made a mockery of Alistair’s claims about the requirement to be tall in the corporate world, standing at five feet and seven inches when at fall stretch and wearing his platform shoes.
Helen smiled as she was introduced to the man who she expected to approve Alistair’s promotion.
‘Mr Mogg, I’ve heard so much about you from Alistair and I expected you to be an older man. You don’t seem to have suffered from the rigours of such immense responsibility.’
Helen had addressed Mogg in an accent that had not the slightest trace of her Liverpool background. She had spent many hours a day practising and concentrating on the words that often betrayed a Liverpool person who was trying to lose their nasal accent.
‘You flatter me, Mrs Martin, but I’m already certain that you would be an asset to Alistair in his new position.’ Mogg paused and then gave a false smile. ‘That’s if he were to get it of course. We mustn’t be presumptuous because I’m sure the other candidate’s wife is as able, although perhaps not as pretty as you are.’
Most women would have felt their skin crawl as Mogg smiled, while studying her, but Helen was encouraging him.
‘What an attractive piece of jewellery, my dear,’ he said by way of an excuse for his prolonged staring.
Helen was confident that she had been a hit with the boring little man after she had piled further praise on him and made sure that the conversation covered his main interest which was golf and she had been told he was a very good player. Alistair was ignored as they chatted and flattered each other.
Ernest Mogg looked irritated when his frumpy wife, Alice, came to drag him away to meet an old friend, but Helen was pleased to be rescued, satisfied that she had done enough to secure the support of Ernest Mogg.
* * *
During the dinner Helen had to endure the staring eyes of Ernest Mogg who was sat opposite her as she waited anxiously for Alistair to finish his presentation speech. At her insistence, Alistair had rehearsed his speech every night for the past two weeks and it had paid off. She felt a sense of satisfaction when she saw the nods of approval from those who were sat close to her. Alistair bowed politely to acknowledge the applause and sat down just as Helen stood up and raised her glass. She was clearly flushed with excitement and it looked as though she was about to make a speech of her own as she winked at Ernest Mogg and then blew him a kiss.
‘I want you all to toast old Ernie Mogg over there who is not the handsomest of men. He’s actually an ugly little fat faced toad, but he overcame that and despite the fac
t that he wouldn’t look out of place in a circus performing as a midget clown, he still became successful. So it proves that image is not important, unless of course he got where he has because he was a boot licking little creep.'
Most of the gathering looked embarrassed and Ernest Mogg looked as though his bulging eyes were in danger of popping out as he frantically gestured towards Alistair to get Helen out of the room. As Alistair stood up, Helen glowered at him and ordered him to sit down which he dutifully did like an obedient pet dog.
‘Just a minute, I need a drink,’ Helen announced and then reached for the wine bottle and took a long swig from it and then gave a loud burp before she continued to speak in a thick Liverpool accent, ‘That’s better, now where wuz I? Ah, yeah, I would like to propose another toast and this time it is to Alice Mogg’s plastic surgeon.’
Ernest Mogg continued to glower at Alistair and demanded that someone fetched the hotel security to take away the mad woman.
‘Keep yer hair on, Ernie, or should I say hair piece,’ Helen said and then gave another loud burp. ‘The surgeon couldn’t work miracles, but at least he stopped the kids from being terrified when they saw Alice and she and ugly little Ernie do make a lovely couple.’
A tearful Alice Mogg knocked over some glasses and a wine bottle as she got up and fled from the room, just as the two hotel security men arrived to remove Helen and so end the most entertaining, but embarrassing dinner the company had ever held.
It was, as Helen Martin predicted, going to be a life changing evening for her and Alistair, but not in a way they could ever have imagined.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
He watched the familiar blip on the monitor and declared, ‘We are up and running and there’s some activity.’
Ian Slater’s companion in the small van parked at the entrance to Hog’s End Lane peered over at the screen.
‘It’s all mumbo jumbo to me, but does it tell us where our man is?’
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