by Maegan Abel
“Thank you,” I whispered, my voice hoarse as I tried to keep the tears at bay. I rambled, feeling the need to explain. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve called sooner, but I wasn’t sure I could make it…”
“Quit. It’s over,” he said, his hand rubbing my neck.
I nodded and finally leaned back into the pillows. I started thinking about Gavin and trying to wait for him to come in, knowing he wouldn’t be far behind them. When I blinked, it was difficult and took a lot of effort to open my eye again.
“You can sleep. We’ll be here,” Cara said.
After being in and out for what I’d been told was four days, I still felt tired, but I was staying awake for longer periods. The doctors were planning to run a few more tests and giving me hope by saying I could be released in the next few days if all went well. That was what I wanted. To be out of this bed.
The downside was the continued need for the bandage covering my right eye and cheek. That would have to stay in place a little longer until the orbital fracture healed. The doctor said they had high hope there wouldn’t be any permanent damage to my vision. I tried my best to take that as a positive sign.
Most of the time, I was feeling anything but positive.
“I need a cigarette,” I grumbled to Dom, who was on Evie duty at the moment, and taking it seriously. He and Cara were taking turns babysitting me to make sure I wasn’t alone.
The one person I still hadn’t seen or heard from was Gavin.
“I’m thinking this would be a good time to quit,” Dom replied, glancing up from his phone. I rolled my eye and he turned his attention back to the screen.
“Does he hate me?” I asked, clenching my jaw afterward. Pain lanced through the right side of my face and I hissed, trying to smooth my features. I missed him. I wanted to see for myself he was really okay after what happened. Plus, I’d dreamed about him, several times, which I guessed was a side effect of sleeping so much while on painkillers.
Dom stared at me, sitting up straighter and leaning forward. I had his full attention now. “Do you want an answer to that? Because you don’t look sure.”
That gave me my answer. I shook my head, an overwhelming sadness taking over. I knew my expression gave away my emotions because Dom’s face softened. “I was leaving him a message. I told him I missed him. I came back here for him. I thought…” I paused to catch my breath. The pressure in my head hurt, the tears in my eye stung, and my lungs ached. “I screwed up.”
“By coming back for him?” Dom asked, sounding genuinely curious.
“By pushing him away,” I sighed, reaching up to press against a spot on my head that felt like it was pounding with the beat of my heart. “I don’t understand why he does it. I don’t blame him for walking away. Everything he said to me, and everything you said, it was all true. I’m selfish. I’m a bitch. I…I let him walk away from me.”
“He doesn’t ever really leave. Not unless you make him. And by make him, I mean he doesn’t even leave when he walks away. The only time he’s gone is when you sever the cycle, Evie.”
“I want to tell him I love him.” I couldn’t stop the tears then, even if I wanted to. “But I’m so scared.”
Dom stood then, walking over to the bed and leaning close to brush his thumb across my uninjured cheek. “All you have to do is tell him. That’s it. And I can promise you right now you’ll feel differently when you do.”
There was something in the determination in his voice. I nodded. “I need to call him.” I started to reach for my phone, which someone had brought to me along with the charger while I was in here.
“Actually, you don’t.” I looked up at Dom and he smiled sheepishly. “He’s here. He hasn’t left the hospital since you were brought in.”
“What?” I asked, my voice barely making any sound. My thoughts were still sluggish and what he said didn’t make any sense to me.
“He sits with you sometimes when you’re asleep. But he won’t leave. Cara is probably with him in the cafeteria trying to talk him into eating something again.”
Gavin was here? He stayed?
That filled my chest with something I wasn’t sure how to explain, but it also sent tears down my cheek.
“I need to see him,” I whispered, making a little more sound that time.
The approval in Dom’s expression washed over me. “Good. I’ll be right back.” He leaned in and kissed the top of my head before striding out the door.
The silence of the room was only disrupted by the beeping of the machines and, alone for the first time, I felt nervous. I hadn’t been able to brush my hair in days because of the bandage from a cut on my head and I was a mess. I started to worry. Even though Dom told me Gavin sat with me while I slept, my mind started going through everything that could go wrong. He could get angry. He should get angry. He had every right to.
I was almost wishing I hadn’t asked Dom to get him when someone tapped on the door as it pushed open. Gavin stood, his clothes a little rumpled and hair messy, but looking just as gorgeous as ever in the doorway. His face was strained and guarded, his eyes both hollow and pained at the same time. I couldn’t find my words.
“Dom said you wanted to see me,” he said, but he didn’t enter the room. His uncertainty was palpable. “I think he might just be paying me back for what I did to get him to see Cara. I’m sorry.” He started to back out of the room.
“No. I, uh…I asked him to find you,” I said, realizing it was now or never. I took a slow breath, trying to steady myself. “I needed to say something to you.”
Nodding, he stepped just inside the door and closed it, still unsure. It was unnerving to see him this way. He was normally so much…larger. His presence in my life, though it had only been a short time, had left such a gaping hole.
I missed him. But did I deserve him?
“I’m scared,” I said, not sure how I was supposed to get the words I had to say out.
“You don’t need to be scared. You’re not in danger anymore,” Gavin said, his guarded expression falling away in place of a softer one. There he was. My heart cracked a little, expanding in my chest. Even after everything I’d put him through, he still opened up to me.
“No. I mean, I’m scared right now because…” I paused and let out a breath before looking him straight in the eye, “I love you, Gavin.” It shocked us both, rocking loudly through the room in a way I never knew four words could. “That’s the reason I came back. And I don’t know what that means. I just know you’re a part of me and I can’t not love you. But I’m scared and I can’t explain why. I’m terrified of saying that to you out loud. I just can’t lose you. I can’t. I think I’ve loved you since I was eight years old and now that you’re in here…” I lifted a hand to rest over my chest, “I’m scared.”
He’d frozen as I spoke, but the second I stopped, he moved, making it to my bedside in just a few strides. He carefully cradled my face by hooking his fingers gently behind my ears and used his thumb to brush away my tears as he smiled.
And it happened.
Right then, I saw it in his eyes.
Complete peace.
“You don’t have to be afraid,” he whispered. “That’s why we made this decision. You’ll never lose me, not forever. You don’t have to be afraid of that.”
He leaned his face close, his nose brushing mine, and we stayed that way, practically breathing the same air as it consumed me.
Peace.
I felt it.
I found it.
Finally.
“I can’t believe you’re not fighting this,” I said, smiling as Evie narrowed her eyes and glared at me from the couch.
“Would fighting do any good?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. The humor I loved was there. It took a few weeks but as her body healed and our connection built, she started to settle in that this was our life.
Today marked nine weeks since Evie was attacked and eight since she was released from the hospital. Today, she signed the papers se
lling her grandmother’s house to a young couple from out of state who were expecting their first child. She also agreed to move in with me, although Cara and Dom had offered her a room at their new place.
“Nope,” I answered, stepping down from the chair after hanging the last picture on the wall where Evie wanted it.
“Exactly,” she sighed, feigning defeat. “I’m saving my energy for the fights worth my time. Besides, it wasn’t like I was attached to…” she trailed off, the small smile dropping from her face at the direction her thoughts had taken. Her eyes slid away, focusing out the window rather than on me now in an effort to hide the pain behind them.
“Ev—”
“I’m good. It just hit hard for a second.” She took a deep breath as Stitch nudged himself even closer to her on the couch. He’d hated the cone when he came home from the vet because it meant he couldn’t get close enough to her to feel like he was protecting her. These days he almost never left her side. She ran her hand over his neck absently and gave me a smile.
It was taking time but everyone involved was working through what happened with the help of therapists. Dom had it rough for a while, worrying himself constantly over whether Cara would blame him for Shawn’s death. It was hard on all of us in our own ways, but everyone was more content now.
“Well, I’m starving. You ready for me to make some dinner?” I asked, dropping the hammer into the toolbox on the floor.
“You know, I’m kind of enjoying this whole you waiting on me hand and foot thing,” she said, smirking at me, the playful gleam back in her eyes. “I’m going to miss it when I go back to work.”
She squealed when I ran at her, causing Stitch to jerk and lift his head. He moved, jumping down, used to the routine of me taking his spot to cuddle with her on the couch. I leaned over her, letting part of my body weight pin her in place as she laughed. “Maybe you should make dinner. Wouldn’t want you getting too lazy now, would we?”
Stretching her neck, she placed soft kisses along the underside of my jaw, moving toward my ear. I closed my eyes, breathing her in and groaning when she dragged her teeth. I’d gotten good at controlling my body around her but she was pushing that boundary more and more by the day. All of that went out the window when I felt her fingernails against my scalp. She tugged at the hem of my shirt and I pulled back, helping her to remove it and toss it to the side. We were taking it easy, mainly because of her injuries, but as of two days ago she’d been completely cleared by her doctor and released to go back to work next week.
“You’ll keep doing it as long as I want. I have the control here,” she whispered in my ear. I pulled away, grabbing her ankles and tugging her to lay flat on her back on the couch before covering her body with mine.
“You think you’re so clever,” I said, shaking my head at her smile. I grabbed her arms, pulling them up and pinning them over her head. “Maybe I should handcuff you this time, take away that power you think you have.”
She laughed, squirming underneath me as she half-heartedly tried to pull free. “Don’t forget how I get revenge, Officer. You won’t walk straight for a month.”
I kissed her nose and released her, sitting up on the couch. “Dinner first, then revenge schemes.”
Laughing at her huff, I stood and headed toward the kitchen. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Sex,” she called after me. “And whiskey.”
“So nothing specific, then,” I said as I opened the refrigerator, staring like some idea of what I should cook would pop out at me. “We have that lasagna your sister sent over. Or I think there might be some pork chops I could fry—” My words cut off abruptly when I looked over the door and spotted Evie, naked, leaning casually against the wall.
She shrugged, completely nonchalant. “I already told you what I want.”
“Get over here,” I said, shutting the door to remove the barrier between us. She raised an eyebrow but didn’t object, taking her time as she strolled in a straight path to me.
The moment she was in my reach, I bent and grabbed her ass, lifting her in the air. She wrapped her legs and arms around me and our mouths crashed together as I walked us to the small, square table in the middle of the kitchen. The kiss was messy and needy, everything we were both feeling in that moment.
It was passion.
It was love.
She sat on the edge of the table and I took a fistful of her hair to tilt her head back farther. I kissed a path down her neck to her shoulder and then down to her collarbone. She gasped when I took a nipple between my teeth and I watched as her hips shifted, her body seeking friction for release.
“Gavin,” she said, almost a whine when I moved to the other nipple, taking my time to worship every inch of her skin. I moved lower, hearing the dull thump as she dropped back onto her elbows. I tried to ignore the still angry red scar marring her beautiful skin but it drew my attention anyway. I leaned toward it, grazing my lips across the rough spot and earning a gasp from Evie.
Looking up, I saw her eyes trained on my every movement. I kissed down to her hipbone, across her abdomen, and then slowly lowered myself the rest of the way. She held my eyes until my tongue made contact with the flesh directly above her clit. Then, her head disappeared as she dropped to her back against the wood. I teased, licking down either side before focusing my attention. I grabbed her legs, lifting both to my shoulders and sliding one hand to trace a line to her opening. When I slid a finger inside, she moaned a somewhat garbled version of my name and the word fuck.
I sped my pace, alternating my pattern as I let her body tell me what she needed. Her release hit fast and her entire body shuddered. It was selfish to move, but I wanted to feel her. I slipped my thumb to her clit and she cried out all over again. Using my other hand, I flipped open my jeans, not bothering to remove them, just shoving clothing out of my way until I freed myself. I thrust inside, all thoughts of taking it easy long gone as her body contracted hard against my cock.
“Fuck,” I huffed, my fingers digging into her hips. She shoved her upper body to sit with her hands bracing her. I stared at the way her hair fell around her shoulders for only a second before my cock pulled every bit of my attention. “This is going to be fast,” I warned and her smile made me lean in and take her mouth again. I used my grip to pull her against me, loving the height of the table, which had never crossed my mind until just this moment. The angle of her body made everything feel tighter and when she started rolling her hips with my thrusts, I knew I was a goner.
The table started to protest, legs scratching against the tile, but I completely ignored it. Every muscle in my body tensed, my spine straightened and my body prepared. I sucked a breath through my teeth, feeling her nails against my scalp as she yanked my face to hers. I lost every thought as my orgasm consumed me. She continued her movements, drawing me out until I collapsed onto the table beside her. It creaked and a second later, the table gave way underneath us. I grabbed Evie, pulling her onto my body and releasing my breath in a huff as I hit the floor. After the second it took to realize we were both okay but the table wasn’t, we started laughing.
“Hope you weren’t too attached to the table,” she said, cuddling into my side again.
“Only attached to you. The rest is just stuff.”
She started tracing a pattern along my chest, tugging on the hair and giggling when I hissed in a breath. I smacked her lightly on the ass and she looked up at me, her amusement fading as her eyes glossed over. Immediately, I worried that I’d hurt her and I started to move to sit up but she pressed her palm to my chest, keeping me in place.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, my eyes scanning her face, trying to determine if she was upset or in pain.
“I…” she paused, taking a breath and shifting under the weight of my stare. “I need to say something.” I waited, nodding when she finally met my eyes. “Something has been bothering me and I need to get it out, so just…let me finish before you say anything, okay?” Again, I just nod
ded. I was edgy because of her demeanor, but I tried not to let it show. “You don’t have to wait for me.” When she didn’t explain, I tilted my head, lifting my eyebrows in question. “I mean, you said you…you hadn’t been with anyone else. It bothered me. It still does.”
“Ev—” I tried again to sit up.
“No, please let me finish.” I sighed and nodded, clenching my jaw as I fought the urge to scoop her up and hold her. She looked ready to cry and more than anything, I wanted my arms around her. “I thought I was trying before. I really did. And now…” she stared at my eyes and behind the tears, I could see the peace there, “I don’t know what I was doing other than trying to protect myself. But the day you walked away from me, I let you. I let you because this isn’t fair. How many times you’ve had to do this, to live through me completely forgetting about you, it’s…” she trailed off and I was surprised when a tear trailed down her cheek. I moved carefully, avoiding the broken pieces of the table as I pulled her onto my lap and into my chest. “How do you not resent me for forgetting? Why do you keep fighting, especially when it’s like this and it’s truly a fight?”
“Stop,” I said into her hair, pressing my lips there. “My turn to talk.” I waited until she nodded. “It’s not always an easy life, but I wouldn’t take back the decision we made. Ever. Not one cycle have I regretted it because I get more than most. I get you over and over. For as long as we choose to continue, I get to keep you. Some cycles are hard, others aren’t. But never have I resented you for a decision we made together. We didn’t know at the time if you would remember your lives. Or if I would. There was only one promise and that was we would have one another.” I reached down, tilting her chin up to look her in the eyes again. “That’s all I’ve ever needed, Evie. You.”
