He used to worry about his kids driving at night and being out after dark, constantly warning them about this and that, but then his forty-four year old wife had been killed in a car accident on her way home from grocery shopping in the middle of the day. He loved his kids and did his part to protect them, but ultimately he knew he had to leave them in God’s hands and accept whatever plans He had for them, even if he didn’t like it.
“I love you, honey,” he said to Grace after reminding her she wasn’t supposed to be scheduling her life around Tabby’s.
“I love you too, Dad. Are you having a good time?”
“I am. I’m glad I came.”
He saw Sarah emerge from the dining-room area across the expansive lobby, and he didn’t look away, waiting to see if she would spot him standing there. She glanced around and appeared a little embarrassed when she was caught looking for him, but she kept walking his way.
“I need to go,” he told Grace. “Same time tomorrow, all right?”
“All right, Dad. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
He clicked off the phone and stepped toward Sarah who had come within a few paces of him. “Are you all walked-out today, or could I interest you in a short pre-meeting stroll?”
She laughed. “That was so embarrassing. They even called the police. Can you imagine?”
“What’s the real story?” he asked, stepping toward the outside doors with her falling in step beside him. Most of the people were still in the dining room so they were able to escape without being noticed.
“Levi and I used to go for these long walks when we came here. I never paid much attention to where we were going, but we always ended up back here, so I figured I could do the same without him.”
“Were you lost, or did you not want to stop walking?”
He opened the door for her, and she stepped out. He could tell she had something specific to say but wasn’t sure how to say it. Walking toward the hotel where he really did need to get his things, he waited for her to speak.
“Did you ever meet Levi, Andrew?”
“Yes. I heard him speak here several times, and I met him casually once.”
“You remind me of him.”
He was surprised by that, and he waited for her to elaborate.
“I was talking to you while I was walking. Saying things I knew you would understand like no one else and imagining your response. I guess I lost track of time and where I was. I asked someone for directions and was on my way back, but about four blocks from here a police car pulled up beside me and asked if I was Sarah Whitfield, the woman reported missing by her friends.”
She laughed, but it was an embarrassed and humiliated sound, not anything joyful. “I’m forty-eight years old, but without Levi I feel like I’m ten. He was the detail person, not me. He was the social one, not me. He was--”
She went from laughing to crying in an instant, and Andrew didn’t hesitate to pull her gently against him. She cried into his shirt mournfully. He had counseled grieving people many times, but this affected his heart differently.
If they hadn’t been standing along the street, he would have been content to stand there and hold her for as long as she needed, but knowing someone from the conference may see her crying in another man’s arms, he gently led her to the end of the block and onto the street that bordered the church parking lot.
“I miss him so much,” she said, continuing to sob like she didn’t have the ability to stop. He didn’t know what to say, so he remained silent. For whatever reason she hadn’t been able to be this honest with anyone about how difficult not having Levi was, and he had no doubt trying to calm her down and not take her pain seriously would absolutely crush her at this point. She needed someone, and apparently he had been nominated for the job--by her and by Jesus, he felt certain, regardless of the fact he had only met her yesterday.
It was dusk and getting cold out. The wind had picked up and was blowing the fall leaves off the landscaped trees lining the parking lot. She had on a short-sleeved dress, and he felt it was necessary to get her warm, so he walked them into the parking area of the church where he’d left the car.
She was still crying and seemed oblivious to where they were. He got her inside and started the car to turn on the heater, but it was warmer in the car than it had been outside. Taking his jacket from the back seat, he offered it to her, and she put it around her shoulders.
She continued to cry, and he let her, but he was worried about her. This seemed to be beyond normal grieving. When several minutes went by and she hadn’t stopped, he offered to get Linda for her.
“No,” she said in no uncertain terms. “Please don’t, Andrew. Please?”
“Okay,” he assured her, not certain what that was about, but he had an idea. Linda was sweet, but she could be insensitive in her comments at times.
“Is there anyone else? I’ll go find whoever you need, Sarah.”
As he spoke the words, he heard Jesus telling him, She needs you, Andrew. That’s why you’re here.
Sarah’s words confirmed that. “I don’t know anyone here, not really. Levi was my best friend, Andrew. I can’t--I don’t know how--I’m sorry, Andrew. I’m so sorry. This isn’t like me. I’m not--” She couldn’t finish and continued to cry.
He considered his next words prayerfully before he spoke them. “Would you like to go back to the hotel and lie down, Sarah? I’ll stay with you, and you can talk to me all you want.”
She didn’t respond, but she didn’t have to. Without saying anything else, he pulled the car out of the space and headed for the hotel. Neither of them spoke, and Andrew prayed the whole way there. He knew she needed more than a little hand-holding and nice-sounding words, but he also knew giving her more would place them in a vulnerable position with one another, and he needed to be someone she could trust implicitly. And with some of the thoughts he’d been having about Sarah since last night, Jesus was the only one who could make him completely trustworthy right now.
He took her up to her room when they reached the hotel, and he didn’t ask if he could go in because he knew she would probably say she was fine now and he could go, but he knew she wasn’t. Several weeks of pain and loneliness had surfaced in her tonight, and he knew she couldn’t be left alone.
He turned on the light and became business-like for the next minute or so, turning down the bed and having her remove her shoes, taking his jacket from her and telling her to lie down. She obeyed like a distraught woman who had been horribly abused, not looking at him and remaining perfectly silent. Her tears had stopped, but the fear and pain was still there.
He knew she wasn’t afraid of him though. She was afraid of life. Life without Levi. She couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t function. She had been living as an adult woman for many years, but her life had been turned upside-down three months ago, and she was suddenly ten again, but in a grown woman’s body.
***
Annika turned from the window to look at Levi. She had been so caught up in the interaction between Andrew and Sarah from the moment they had seen one another at the dinner-table to the moment where Andrew was having Sarah lie down, she had forgotten Levi was here. But Levi didn’t look at her when the picture faded out, he looked at Joshua.
“W-Who is that?” Levi asked.
“Ask Annika,” Joshua said calmly.
Levi turned to her for an explanation. Apparently Levi had forgotten the name of her husband, but she hadn’t forgotten the name of his wife.
“That’s Andrew,” she said. “He was my husband.”
Levi didn’t respond.
Annika would have been alarmed by what she saw happening between Andrew and Sarah, just as Levi appeared to be, if she didn’t know Andrew like she did, and if she didn’t know Joshua like she did either. He showed her the good stuff. This was a good thing, but she waited for Joshua to tell Levi that. It was His place, not hers.
“I-Is she going to be all right?” Levi asked, turning b
ack to Him. “Has she been this way for three months?”
“She’s fine, Levi. It’s been difficult for her, but I’ve only allowed that so she won’t run from this. She needs Andrew, and Andrew needs her.”
Levi looked back to her then, seeming to believe Joshua, but he still looked unsettled. Annika knew the feeling. Her first year here had been rough at times. Joshua sheltered her from some of the harsh realities, but He told her what she needed to know: that Danae would heal from her mistakes; and she had seen the reality of that during the last three years. She had also seen Andrew’s brokenness at times, but she always knew Joshua was with him, and that had brought her comfort.
“Was Andrew a good husband to you, Annika?” Levi asked, his eyes glistening with tears.
Annika knew there was no need for that, and she smiled. “Yes, Levi. He was wonderful. The best. Sarah will be just fine with him. I’ll bet my South-Shore cottage on that.”
Chapter Six
Sarah was very aware Andrew was in her hotel room. She was distraught and not like her normal self at all, but she wasn’t so far gone to have lost touch with reality, and in the back of her mind were the feelings Andrew’s unexpected presence at dinner had brought. She had been thrilled to see him. It had been a horrible afternoon. She tried to act like she was fine, laughing about getting lost and the police coming to find her, but she had been so humiliated. She had never taken humiliation well. On the surface she did. Smiles and laughter would be coming from her mouth, but inside she was dying.
This hadn’t been the first time since Levi’s death she felt that way over something, but it was the first time away from home, and she had nowhere to turn. She couldn’t flee back to the hotel because it was too far to walk, and she didn’t have an excuse to leave anyway. Her saving moment had been seeing Andrew there. His gentle smile and the way he didn’t tease her about getting lost had eased some of her pain, along with his expression that seemed to indicate he had returned early for her. She felt so alone prior to his arrival, but his simple presence had dispelled that. She had a friend.
Levi had made her feel that way the first time she met him too. Her girlfriends had talked her into going to a party on campus. Parties weren’t her thing--even clean ones. She didn’t have the social finesse for it. Friends would talk her into going, making her feel like a bookworm and a prude if she didn’t. But once they were there, they would abandon her and leave her to sit alone and make occasional conversation with people she didn’t know. She couldn’t do it. She was a misfit.
But near the end of her sophomore year, she had gone to a social gathering on campus hosted by Youth For Christ. She was feeling backwards as usual because no one was talking to her or asking her to dance, until Levi strolled up, asked her very simply, and she had taken his arm. He talked to her the entire time they were dancing, asking her important questions about herself he actually seemed interested in knowing the answers to, and then he asked if she wanted to get some punch and sit for awhile. She had agreed, and he kept talking to her, drawing out bits and pieces one by one as if he didn’t have anything he’d rather do.
He was a senior that year, and he was planning to attend seminary after he graduated--at a Bible college there in Chicago. They had both grown up in Illinois. She had spent most of her childhood near Decatur, and his most recent home had been just outside of Chicago, but his family had moved around a lot. His dad had been a church planter and traveling evangelist all over the state.
He asked her to dance two more times before the night was over and then walked her back to her dorm and asked if she wanted to go out with him sometime. Levi had done everything to initiate and keep their relationship progressing forward, and she had done nothing but gone along with it. He didn’t have to talk her into going out with him each week. He didn’t have to talk her into letting him kiss her for the first time. He didn’t have to talk her into marrying him when he proposed a year and a half later. He was perfect in every way. Just what she needed and wanted. He loved her, and she loved him back.
He had taken care of her for twenty-five years, twenty-seven including their courtship time, and now he was gone. Who was going to take care of her? She needed someone to take care of her. She had given no thought to possibly getting remarried. She knew it was a possibility down the road, and meeting someone new she could share the remainder of her years with wasn’t something she had ruled out by any means, but she wasn’t thinking about it this soon. Levi had been gone for three months. This was way too soon for her to be going there, wasn’t it? I shouldn’t have let Andrew do this. What am I doing?
Andrew brought a chair over to the bed and sat down. Sarah lifted her eyes, and he gave her a look that told her she was safe with him. Safe from humiliation. Safe from not knowing her way around the city. Safe from any kind of unscrupulous behavior on his part. Her feelings of panic subsided, and so did the fog around her. She wanted to be fully present now, not lost in despair.
“What did we talk about on our walk today, Sarah?”
She didn’t have to think about it, but she took her time and answered honestly. “How could Levi leave me alone like this? How could God take him away from me?”
“Are you angry, Sarah?”
“Yes.”
She held back the tears, but she didn’t know how long she could do so until Andrew’s soft-spoken words came again.
“I was angry too, Sarah. I still am sometimes.”
His admission gave her the courage to say something she had been thinking today. Something coming here without Levi had brought to the surface. “I can’t live without him, Andrew. I can’t!”
The tears came this time, and he let her cry. She didn’t feel embarrassed, but she wondered if this was normal. Was she completely losing it? Did she need counseling? Medication? Was she clinically depressed or in the middle of a normal grieving process?
Andrew got her talking again. He had a gentle way about him that made her want to answer his questions. “What else did we talk about?”
She turned her thoughts from what she had lost to her life at the moment. “Why did God want me to come here this week? What am I doing here?”
“Maybe for this,” he said.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” She smiled. “Who are you, and what are you doing in my hotel room?”
He smiled back. “I’m here for you, Sarah. That’s why God brought me here.”
“Are you an angel?”
He laughed. “Not that I know of.”
“Do you do this often?”
“No, I promise.”
“Why did you come back for dinner tonight?”
He leaned forward in the chair and rested his elbows on his knees. “To talk to you.”
“You knew I was going to have an emotional breakdown?”
“No, I came to ask you something.”
“What?”
“If you would like to spend the day with me tomorrow.”
“Why?”
“To talk, like I offered last night.”
“Like we are now, you mean?”
“Yes. I guess you saved me a day of grief-counseling. Now I can go to all those workshops I really came here for.”
“Something tells me you should be teaching workshops not attending them.”
“Yeah, probably,” he said. “If I didn’t have that darn church to look after back in California, I could tour the country, telling all the pastors how to do it right.”
“Do you like being a pastor, Andrew?”
“Yes.”
“Have you always liked it?”
“Mostly yes. But I haven’t always enjoyed it like I should.”
“Levi enjoyed it.”
“Did he?”
“Yes. He loved everything about it.”
“Did you enjoy it with him?”
She didn’t answer that. She felt ashamed by her thoughts.
“Do you enjoy God, Sarah?”
She didn’t answer that either and po
ndered Andrew’s words. Was enjoying ministry different than enjoying God, or was he just restating the question?
***
Grace knew her dad was probably in a meeting right now, and she hated to interrupt him, but it couldn’t be helped. Trying his phone, she didn’t know if he would answer, but she desperately hoped he would. Why did this have to happen when he was so far away?
“Hello?” he said, picking up after the second ring.
“Hi, Dad. It’s Grace.”
“What’s up?”
“I just got a call from Pastor James. One of the youth group kids was in a boating accident this afternoon.”
“Who?”
“Hunter Smith. He’s only been coming since this summer. James wasn’t sure if you would know him.”
“Is he all right?”
“No, he was killed. James is with the family. He didn’t want to bother you if you were busy, but he thought you should know.”
“All right. Thanks, honey. Do you know if he’s at the hospital or at their home?”
“I’m not sure. The hospital, I think. It just happened this afternoon.”
“Can you do something for me, Gracie?”
“What?”
“Can you call James and find out where he is and go meet him there?”
Grace didn’t know why her dad would ask her to do such a thing. She didn’t work with the youth group or know James super-well. “Why?”
“No one knows this because he doesn’t want people to know, but James lost his twin brother in a boating accident when he was twelve. I know he’ll be strong for the family and do his job, but afterwards he’s going to need someone.”
“Why me? Why not Pastor Alan?”
“Because you know what it’s like to lose someone close to you, sweetheart. Can you do it, please? I would if I was there, but I’m not.”
“Okay,” she replied. “Should I take Tabby with me? She knows Hunter and his sister, Sierra.”
“Yes, take her.”
October Joy (Moments In Paradise 1) Page 5
