Her decision to run off and drag Thomas along to look for a gang of outlaws seemed such an immature thing now. In hindsight. Still, she had learned from her mistake. Whether Thomas lived or not, and she wholeheartedly hoped Thomas was safe just as Tyler suggested, she would give more thought to her actions.
Should she have been more responsible? Sure.
Could she change? Of course. Tyler had.
Did she want to change?
She bit her lip hard as tears burned again at the back of her eyes. It wasn’t a matter of her wanting to change; it was more a matter of her needing to change. The Bible spoke of change. Bits of memory, chats she’d had with her mother, scratched the surface of her mind. She did her best to capture and bring them into focus, but the memories were dull and she had been young. Perhaps reading the Bible more would show her what her mother had understood.
God? She breathed the word. All I know is. . .
She didn’t know what to say and felt foolish pretending to talk to something she couldn’t see. But Tyler had said He was everywhere. Didn’t that mean He was here now? In the dying fire? The night that gripped her in its blackness? All I know is I need this change. I need You, I think, but I don’t know how. Help me understand.
❧
Morning light stretched its dome of brilliance across the sky. Renee yawned and braced herself up on an elbow. The fire flared hot again, but Tyler was not there. She stumbled from the blankets, taking the time to roll everything into a tight bundle to keep out critters or, she shuddered, snakes.
She moved around the camp, combing tangles from her hair and then twisting it into a knot to keep it out of her face. It didn’t look like Tyler had even taken the time to eat breakfast. Taking the bucket to the creek, she bent to draw water. Her hair tumbled down and touched the surface of the water, floating on top for a minute before sinking into a sodden mass. She snapped the strands back over her shoulder and tucked stray strands behind her ear.
Turning, bucket in hand, she saw Sassy moving toward her, Tyler astride, a baby lamb across the saddle. She could tell from the way Tyler moved in the saddle and the stiff expression on his face that something terrible had happened. When he caught sight of her moving toward him, Tyler stopped the horse.
“Cat got into the sheep last night. Killed three ewes and this lamb.”
His voice did not betray emotion, only a resignation that told her this type of thing had happened before. “Are you going after it?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No. Probably a young cat being taught to hunt by its mama.”
She could see the blood along the lamb’s head and the canvas-wrapped package behind the saddle then realized something horrible. “You skinned it?”
“I’ll coat the bum lamb to see if the mother will adopt it.” Tyler nudged Sassy into motion. He got to camp ahead of her. By the time she reached the perimeter, he was astride the horse and headed back out.
“Can I go with you?”
twenty-four
Tyler debated with himself over his answer. To have her so close. . . He gritted his teeth. He could use the help, and he needed to treat the sheep for scab. Messy work.
“You could treat them for me while I take care of the dead.”
His answer was her solemn nod. “I don’t mind.”
Unable to come up with anything that might discourage her, Tyler turned Sassy sideways, kicked his boot from the stirrup, and offered his hand. She set the bucket of water on a narrow ledge about four feet off the ground, covered it with a towel, and rushed back to him.
His roughened palm scraped against her softer one as he aided her ascent. She settled herself behind him in the saddle, her hands resting along his waist. He took a deep breath of the cool morning air. He had to keep his head. She was just a girl whom he had rescued. A pretty girl. A selfish girl who might have gotten her brother killed. Not his type.
Where the trail narrowed, he slowed Sassy and allowed her to pick her way along at her own pace. Renee’s hands gripped his shirt tighter until he feared she might rend the material. “Sassy’s a mountain horse. She knows these trails.”
“Is that your—” Sassy slipped and cut off what she was saying. When the horse regained its footing he could feel her grip weaken. “Was that your way of offering comfort?”
He grinned at the irony. “I suppose it was.”
They rode in silence until Sassy cleared the last of the rocks and carried them into the meadow. The sheep were spread out on rolling hills, while the craggy peak of another mountain showed its balding head. Snow capped the mountain and the sun beat down on the green grass of the long, narrow valley that put the white dots of sheep in contrast.
“It’s even more beautiful from here,” she whispered.
Tyler didn’t respond but led Sassy through the hundreds of sheep toward a craggy spot that backed to thick woods with heavy underbrush. Blood smeared along some of the rocks where he’d found the dead ewes and the lamb. He searched among the stretch of sheep in front of him and listened for the telltale sounds he knew the bum lamb would make, unable to find its mother and denied by other ewes the chance to nurse.
Teddy panted into view and lay down beside Sassy.
“Good boy, Teddy,” Renee called to the little dog.
Tyler dismounted and gave Teddy an absentminded scratch as he surveyed the sheep, listening for the orphan lamb’s cry.
“What do I need to do?” Renee asked as she slipped to the ground unaided. “You know I’ll help.”
Thick shame rose and made him clench his teeth. Hadn’t he just tried to discount her character? Yet she had helped before. Many times over the last couple of weeks they had worked side by side among the herd. His load caring for the sheep and cooking had been lightened because of her presence. He had a responsibility to at least be fair in his assessment of her abilities. “There’s a bum—” He pursed his lips and waited.
“A lazy sheep?”
He hid the grin. “No, a motherless lamb. A bum. He’ll be looking for some supper. You’ll hear him.”
Tyler watched as Renee processed the information he’d just relayed. With a slight nod and a determined tilt of her chin, Renee sank into the herd of sheep. He absorbed the animals’ reaction to her presence. Her lithe body bent over the head of one particularly friendly sheep that trailed her a few feet. She spoke to it, though he couldn’t hear what she said. A spring lamb tottered over then leaped away when Renee laughed. Her hair spread around her shoulders, and even as he watched, as if she knew his eyes were upon her, she reached up, gathered it into a long tail, and wrapped it into a loose knot.
An ache stabbed through him, and Tyler turned from the scene, glad he hadn’t been caught watching her. It would send her the wrong message. As soon as he got through the day, he would get her down off the mountain and back home, away from Marv and the threat of the gang coming for him. But after the damage the cat inflicted on the herd, he needed her help one more day. Tyler flipped open the saddlebag and withdrew a jar of salve. “Renee!”
She looked up, her hair sliding a bit, her face bright with happiness. “He’s so cute!” She laughed and pointed to the lamb who nibbled at her knee.
“There’s work to do.” His gruff tone was not lost on her, and the joy slid from her face.
He held up the jar and pointed. “I need you to smear this on their faces while you’re looking for the lamb.”
She hurried to him and took the large jar without a word, turning to go when he heard the plaintive wail of the bum. He led Sassy forward as Renee began working over the sheep. A dirty job. Smelly, too, though she didn’t complain.
When he found the lamb, working its head from under the protesting underside of a ewe, he gathered the baby close. At least the lamb had received the first few weeks of nutrition from its mama. Working as quickly as he could, Tyler fit the skin of the dead lamb over the live one then began looking for the mother of the dead baby. It took him an hour to locate the right ewe, standing
off by herself, engorged and restless. He set the baby down beside her and the lamb immediately scampered to her. Twisting her head, the ewe nudged the baby and smelled along its side. The lamb tucked up underneath the ewe and began nursing as the mother sniffed the baby’s backside.
Come on, mama. Tyler cheered the two on as the sniffing and nursing continued. At last the mother stopped and seemed to relax. Tension drained from Tyler’s shoulders.
❧
Renee worked until the muscles in her back bunched so hard she could no longer bend over and had to kneel, which made her knees sore. Tyler returned to camp twice to replenish the salve. He brought back cold bacon and pancakes, and she devoured them like a starving dog. Teddy stayed near her, hoping for a scrap and relishing the strip she tossed him.
“We’re on the last group,” he announced. He smiled down at her, and she saw the exhaustion in every line of his face. His eyes, especially, showed a deep weariness that his grin belied.
“What’s so funny?”
“You should see yourself.”
Somehow, she didn’t quite care what she looked like at that moment. He didn’t look much better, and they both smelled faintly of the tar used in the salve.
His smile bled away. “I’m proud of you,” he whispered. The simple praise swirled in her head. “You’ve worked hard.” His tone held wonder, as if he was seeing something for the first time, mesmerized by what he witnessed.
Her tongue wouldn’t form words. She saw his hand come up and felt the gentle stroke of his finger against her cheek as he swiped a tendril of hair back from her face. His gaze fell to her lips and Renee recognized his struggle. She kept still, her resolve to get him to love her crushed beneath the heel of something else. She already loved him. This man. A fragile love, perhaps, for what did she really know about such things? But it felt right. It felt good and secure. Something she wanted to revel in and cherish, not bend to her will and force upon him—that wouldn’t be love anyway, would it?
He withdrew his hand, his gaze surrendering hers. He stepped back and turned to look at the sky, and everything Renee had felt seconds before became vulnerable as doubts snaked their way through her heart.
twenty-five
Tyler had wanted so much to kiss her. To smooth away the splotch of salve clinging to her cheek and enjoy the feel of her soft lips against his. His will had nearly crumbled when he yielded to the desire to graze the hair back from her cheek. Touching her. Drinking in the devotion he saw in her eyes. She had worked so hard, the words of praise had come easily to him. He had kept a close eye on her as he moved among the animals, noting the moment when she had stopped stooping to administer the salve and begun getting down on one knee. He knew all too well the strain of muscles after a long day of working among the sheep.
The difference in her work ethic and the ease with which she accepted the long arduous chores endeared her to him and broke whatever preconceived notion he had of her being a selfish brat. She had grown in the time she’d been with the herd. Just as caring for that first herd had grown and matured him.
“Got somewhere I’d like to show you. Tomorrow, after the sheep are settled, I’ll take you there.”
“Sure.” She nodded and took a step away, her eyes drifting toward the last group of animals.
His eyes followed the line of her silhouette, captured by the wild tousle of her hair and how warm sunlight brought out glints of red in the strands. She’d knotted it over and over through the day. Now, Tyler doffed his hat and yanked at the pigging string tied there. “Here, it’ll keep your hair off your face.”
An automatic reaction, her hands reached for the strands loosened by the constant kneeling and stooping. “It has been a trial today.”
“It’s beautiful.” He swallowed, wishing he hadn’t said what he thought out loud.
She took the string from him and bent double. She combed through the dark mass then straightened. Gathering it close in one hand, she tied the string around the ponytail. “That’s so much better.”
“Should have thought of it sooner.”
She picked up the jar of salve and moved out into the last group of sheep. To his right, Tyler caught sight of the jacketed lamb, happy in his newfound mother and nursing, his little tail flapping back and forth in joy. Tyler understood completely.
❧
When Tyler didn’t move on, Renee risked another glance at him. He made quite the picture among the sea of white sheep. The pasture, dotted with lush patches of grass, and the mountain rising strong and lonely behind Tyler, seemed to echo her opinion of the man himself.
She was grateful to have her hair out of the way and couldn’t quite deny the pleasure his comment brought. Whatever Tyler was, he was not a man given to soft words.
Moving among the last of the group, Teddy at her side, Renee lifted her head when she caught a strange humming in the air. She glanced around to see what it might be or where it might be coming from, and that’s when she realized it was Tyler. Singing. His voice, rich and buttery soft. Teddy moved off toward Tyler, slow and easy. The sheep, too, were close to Tyler, some of them lying down.
As he worked his way into another verse of “Clementine,” Renee let the music flow over her. Even the sheep she tended seemed lulled by the sound of his voice. Many began to lie down, freed from anxiety by the sound and presence of the man they most trusted. Just like the Shepherd in Psalms. The sheep had everything to be content, and what they didn’t know they needed was being supplied before they knew of the need. Like the application of the salve. Tyler saw the need before it became a problem, smoothing the way for the timid, helpless creatures.
Tears blurred Renee’s vision as she knelt to apply the tar mixture to the head of a ewe. With Tyler’s song soft in her ears, she knew she needed salve, too, of a different sort. She bit her lip, chest heaving. Lord, I’ve made such a mess. Forgive me.
She scratched the ewe’s face where the wool did not grow then rubbed at the tears that trickled down her face. Let me be like this sheep.
Renee continued to apply the salve to the heads of sheep, meditating on their behavior, on the differences in their personalities. Perhaps she was most like Punky and, like Tyler, God would need to be patient with her. But hadn’t He already been patient? Even through the disaster of seeking out the Loust Gang, God had brought her here. Now she would return to her father a different person and to Thomas—God, please let him be alive—a different sister.
Tyler called out to her on the other side of the group. Pulled out of her reverie, she realized she had subconsciously been hearing a sharper, distressed baaing for some time. Tyler motioned to her. The sheep divided in front of her, alerted by her faster pace. One of the pregnant ewes lay down in the pasture, obviously straining to give birth. Tyler stood off a distance from her and motioned for Renee to come to his side.
“Nice voice.”
He ducked his head and jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. “Got something even better. Thought you’d like to see this one, too”
The ewe lay a ways off from the herd, seemingly in great pain. Renee winced with every stretch of the ewe’s neck and plaintive cry. “Is it hurt?”
“It won’t be long now,” Tyler whispered. “She’s given birth before.”
As if that explained away the obvious pain the ewe suffered now. Still, Renee couldn’t be upset with Tyler; he’d seen the event thousands of times. With each passing minute, the ewe’s stress raised. The baby finally made an appearance, but things seemed to stall halfway through. Panicked by the sight of the baby’s ears twitching yet still clear of the mother, she turned to Tyler. “Shouldn’t you do something?”
He grinned down at her. “She’s doing fine. Just watch.”
True enough, another few seconds and the ewe jumped up, the rest of the baby slipping to the ground. The baby shook its head. The mother stood for a minute then turned and began to lick her newborn.
“At least she didn’t give birth in the middle of a winter storm like
she did last time.”
Renee couldn’t take her eyes off the baby. It wiggled but lay in place as its mama licked over the wet coat.
“She’ll lick the baby dry. It helps the lamb not chill.”
She didn’t know what to say, how to explain the tidal wave of emotions that flooded her at the beautiful picture of mother and child. A picture she hadn’t appreciated at the first birth she’d witnessed. It awoke the ache for her own mother and magnified the pain of losing her after Thomas’s birth.
“Why don’t you stay and keep an eye on them? I’ll finish up,” Tyler offered.
If she responded, she couldn’t remember, but he left her alone to watch the miracle. Every time the baby tried to stand, Renee’s heart swelled with pride. When the baby flopped over, a surge of despair tightened her chest. The irony of witnessing this new birth just when she had repented, was not lost on her. It warmed her and she smiled her thanks to God for allowing her to see what He himself had seen when she asked for forgiveness. The wonder of new birth, though, she grimaced, spiritual rebirth wasn’t quite so messy. Except when you considered the burden and dirt that sin and her own willfulness had placed on her soul. Tyler rode up on Sassy just as the baby gained its feet and began nursing in earnest.
“Let’s get back and get something to eat.”
A bubble of satisfaction lifted her on its wings as they traveled to camp. She lay her forehead against Tyler’s back, too exhausted to sit up. Every movement of the horse made her eyes heavier with sleep until Sassy began the climb up the sharp hill to camp.
“Got some eggs hidden away for a night such as this.”
Eggs. The idea of food didn’t even appeal, though she was sure her body had burned through the pancakes and bacon long ago. Tyler touched her leg, and she roused from her drowsy state long enough to make the slide to the ground. Her boot caught in the stirrup, jarring her fully awake. Tyler’s hands were there, steadying her as he worked the boot free.
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