“What the hell are you waiting for? Go, go go!”
“Ohmagodohmagodohmagod.” She peeled out, fishtailing and sending a hail of gravel over the fallen officer.
“What if she’s dead?” Kay shrieked in panic. “Oh god. We’re dead. Ed’s going to kill us and we’re going to jail.”
Kay looked over to Leo who had buried his face in his hands. He appeared to be crying.
“Leo? Are you ok? Please don’t fall apart on me now,” she said.
Kay pulled one of his hands away from his face and a rollicking “Bwaa ha ha ha” exploded out of his mouth. He laughed and laughed until finally he made himself gag. His eyes grew wide as the remnants of his grease, salt and sugar bender threatened to come back for a return engagement.
“Don’t. You. Dare. If you throw up, I’ll…I’ll…” Kay stopped, because she didn’t know what she’d do…or what she was doing, for that matter. “Roll down your window and take some deep breaths.”
Kay turned on to the first available street and parked the car. After a few stomach-settling gulps of fresh air, Leo turned to say something to Kay. But as soon as he saw the head of the body resting against the dash of the car, radio knobs embedded in its head, his raucous laughter started up again. “Bwaa ha ha ha…wait’ll I tell O about this. He’s gonna shit his pants laughing. Bwaa ha ha ha.”
Yeah,” Kay said flatly, “especially when he finds out it was you who didn’t lock the gurney wheels.”
That shut Leo up.
“Not so funny now, huh, Leo,” Kay said. She was angry because she knew Ed was likely to hold her equally responsible for the unlocked wheels and unstrapped body.
“Look. I have an idea,” Leo said in take-charge voice. “We’ll drive to my brother’s. He’s just a few blocks from here. There’s always a bunch of guys hangin’ around, drinking beer. They’ll help us move this guy.”
With no other viable option on the horizon, Kay turned the car in the direction of Leo’s brother’s house. There was no argument from the corpse.
Leo knocked on the door and the porch light came on. After a quick explanation, Leo’s brother, Frank, and two other men Kay didn’t know, came bursting out the front door to verify Leo’s unbelievable story. After seeing the corpse resting against the dash, one of the men suspiciously looked up and over the car, then up and down the block. “Are we on TV?” he said with a loony laugh. “Are we getting punked?”
“No, you asshole,” Frank said. “Stop being an idiot and let’s help these guys get this body back on the stretcher.
Kay stood out of the way as the four men, using their combined leverage, easily guided the dead weight back on the stretcher.
“So, if you don’t mind me asking, what happened?” Frank said to Kay.
“Newton’s First Law of Motion,“ Kay said.
“Sorry?” Frank said.
Kay laughed. “I braked for a dog on the hill and the gurney wasn’t locked down.”
“It must have been moving at quite a clip if the body broke out of the gurney straps,” Frank said.
Kay and Leo looked at each other, neither one willing to admit to their other big boner.
Finally Leo piped up, “Actually, the straps weren’t long enough to go around the guy.”
Yeah. The straps weren’t long enough. That’s the ticket. I’ll have to remember that one.
* * *
Five minutes later, Kay was backing up the station wagon to the embalming room door, gurney properly locked down and the body squarely on top.
Ed, already embalming his pick up, opened the door when he heard the distinctive hum of his favorite old car. “There you are. I was starting to get worried,” he said.
“Oh you know how those guys are at O.M.I. It’s always hurry up and wait,” Kay said.
“Ok. Let’s get this guy in here and ready for the crematory. Jerry’s hanging back to wait for him.” Ed said.
Using big, deliberate moves that were obvious only to Kay, Leo unlocked the gurney wheels. With relative ease they rolled the massive corpse out of the car and into the embalming room, where Ed had already prepared the mortuary hoist. With Ed at the shoulders, Leo at the waist and Kay at the knees, the body was quickly secured, lifted off and suspended high over the gurney.
“You two go grab the air tray. It’s in the hall.” Ed said.
“Air tray?” Leo said, referring to the receptacle used to ship casketed bodies by air. “Aren’t we putting him in a cremation tray?”
“He’ll never fit.” Ed said. “It’s an air tray or nothing. And Jerry won’t take him that way.”
Working quickly in team fashion, Kay and Leo set the plywood bottom on top of the gurney and then Ed pushed the button to lower the body on it. Kay was thinking about Leo’s hoist joke, when Ed suddenly stopped the lift.
“Hey. Check out these weird round dents in this guys head.” Ed thumbed the deep impact impressions from the radio knobs. “I wonder if that’s what killed him?”
“Yeah…we were wondering about that too,” Leo said with a straight face.
“I guess we won’t know ‘till the death certificate comes,” Kay said. She managed to remain equally composed.
Kay did her best not to lock eyes with Leo, lest she trigger another round of bwaa ha ha has.
It was a tight squeeze, but the lid finally went over the tray and the gurney was rolled back into the station wagon.
“Do you have the cremation order?” Ed asked Kay as he walked her to the front of the car.
Kay nodded.
Leo and Kay opened their doors simultaneously and the breeze that blew across the front seat picked up some of the wrapper evidence of Leo’s junk food binge and deposited them at Ed’s feet.
“Jesus Christ, Leo! Clean this up - and anything else that’s still in the car. I don’t want Jerry seeing it.” He turned on his heel and stormed back to the embalming room.
“Why does he assume it’s me?” Leo muttered as he snatched up food wrappers from the seat and the floor. Kay rolled her eyes, started up the car and waited for Leo to take his armful of trash to the dumpster behind the building.
They completed their delivery without further complication and soon were headed back to the mortuary.
“What are we gonna do about that cop, Leo?” Kay asked. She was sick with worry. “I wouldn’t be surprised to see her waiting and ready to slap the handcuffs on us when we get back.”
“Oh, I’m quite sure that’s not gonna happen,” Leo said with the same juicy-secret smile she’d seen that day in the break room.
“Oh please,” Kay scoffed. “You can’t possibly be that naive.”
Leo smiled again, this time rubbing his palms together. “Ever hear the words “situational syncope?”
“I’m afraid this is more than just bad timing, Leo,” Kay said.
Leo threw his head back and laughed. “No. Situational syncope. It’s a medical condition that causes people to faint when they’re shocked or stressed. That’s what happened to Lindy back there.”
“Lindy? “You know her?”
It seems Leo and Melinda, aka “Lindy” O’Malley had dated a couple of months before she entered the police academy. She confided to Leo she was going to keep her strange medical affliction a secret because she didn’t want it keeping her from realizing her life-long dream of becoming a police officer.
“Believe me, Officer O’Malley is going to put the incident far behind her, as if it never happened. It’s your, my and her secret.”
Now it was Kay who was smiling.
Kay dropped Leo off at the embalming room door and went on to park the station wagon in the special garage Ed had built to house his prized possession. She was walking back to the main building when she noticed the door to the main garage was open. As she came nearer, she heard the slam of a door then almost crashed into Uncle O as he hurried out of the garage.
“Oh. Hello, Kay,” Owen said, shaken by surprise. “I was just bringing the limo back from Mike’s. S
ix month servicing time, you know,” he said with a little laugh.
Do I have Stupid written across my forehead?
Kay made a point of looking at her watch. “Mike kept the car a little later than usual, don’t you think?” Kay knew it was mean, but she couldn’t resist putting O on the hot seat and watching him squirm.
“Heh, heh. Yeah. He’s a pretty busy guy,” Owen replied. “I noticed the lights on in the embalming room. Is Ed working?”
“Yes he is. By the way, he tried to reach you earlier. He needed help with an extra pick up. But not to worry. Leo and I took care of it,” Kay said. She was trying to ramp up his discomfort.
Owen slowly pulled the garage door down, his face telegraphing the mental frenzy taking place in his head.
Kay resumed her walk to the building. She wondered if Ruth had ever talked to Ed about the condom situation. Uncle O hurried to catch up.
“Look, Kay. I was supposed to take the limo in last week. Ed’s going to be mad if he finds out I waited ‘til today. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t saying anything to him about running into me at the garage.”
Kay looked at Owen with a fake look of shock. “Uncle O! Are you asking me to lie for you?”
If this old man is up to no good, I’m not going to make it easy for him.
Owen stopped in his tracks. A look of panic came over his face. “I’ll buy you something,” he offered breathlessly. “Anything you want.”
The fun had suddenly gone out of Kay’s little game. The conversation had turned scary.
“Calm down, Uncle O,” Kay said patting his arm. “You don’t need to bribe me. I was just having a little fun with you.”
Owen pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and mopped imaginary sweat from his forehead. “It’s just…well… you know how mad Ed gets. I’m going to catch it anyway for not going on that call.”
“It’s all ok,” Kay said, giving him a final reassuring pat. “I’ve gotta get going and so do you.” She smiled and continued on her way, leaving Owen standing in the middle of the parking lot.
* * *
Ed was putting the finishing touches on his deceased when Kay walked into the embalming room. Leo was busy cleaning up, returning chemical bottles, instruments and cosmetics to the glass case in the corner.
“If there isn’t anything else you need from me, I think I’ll head home,” Kay said.
Ed looked up at Kay, smiled. “No that’s it. Go ahead and go.”
She was almost through the door when Ed stopped her. “Oh. By the way. I took a message for you this afternoon that sounded pretty important. You might wanna have a look. I left it on your desk. ”
“Ok. Thanks.” Kay said. She detoured back to her office.
“Great job today,” Ed called after her. “Thanks for all your help.”
As she approached her desk, Kay could see the little pink memo paper taped to the handset of her phone. She peeled it off and shuddered when she saw it was from Dave. Call Back and Urgent were check-marked prominently in black Sharpie-sized ink.
Urgent, my ass. I will not be rushed, Dave Nolan. You’ll get my answer when I’m good and ready.
She crushed the message into a little pink ball, tossed it in the trash and headed for the door. It was going to feel good to drive away and put this day of mishaps, mayhem and manipulation behind her.
15
Percolatté
DATE: April 18th, 8:44 a.m.
TO: Kay_Manning
FROM: [email protected]
SUBJECT: Hi!
Hi? Are you kidding me?
It had been three days and Kay had yet to respond to Dave’s phone message. Kay knew he had to be getting anxious because this was the first and only time he’d ever emailed her - not to mention the breezy subject line. It was a dead giveaway.
She was tempted to delete the email without reading it, but decided it might be worth seeing how far he’d abase himself to get her to give him a “yes.”
Hey Kay,
Not sure if you received my phone message the other afternoon. I know how busy you guys are over there, with everyone dying to get in. LOL.
Oh, brother.
I was just wondering if you’d given any thought to my little proposition. No pressure, or anything. I’m just doing a little financial planning, and it would be helpful to know what type of arrangements I need to make. Financial, not funeral. Ha ha.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Dave
A little thrill passed through her as she imagined making Dave’s funeral arrangements with Sandy, crazy with jealousy, after being told, “Ms. Manning will be handling Mr. Noland’s bathing and dressing.”
She quickly deleted the fantasy from her mind.
What am I thinking? Salinger’s is the last place Sandy would bring Dave.
Kay reread Dave’s email, shaking her head at his pathetic attempt to disarm her with cliché funeral humor. She was especially insulted by the characterization of his nervy request as a “little proposition.”
She wasted no time drafting an answer, but scheduled its delivery for three hours later. If she hit the Reply button now, he was sure to read something into her quick response and she didn’t want to give him any undue encouragement.
I hate playing these stupid games.
DATE: April 18th, 11:47 a.m.
TO: [email protected]
FROM: Kay_Manning
SUBJECT: Re:Hi!
Your “little proposition” is too important to discuss through email or on the phone. I would like to arrange a face to face meeting. How’s 10, Saturday morning at Percolatté on Sixth St.?
There are a few things I need to know before I decide to help you with your financial arrangements. Now, if it was funeral arrangements… Ha ha.
No need to reply if you plan on being there.
Kay
Kay decided she wasn’t going to reinforce his weaselly modus operandi by allowing him to deal with her via safe, remote methods of communication. The issue really was too important. Even more important was being able to keep a cool head so she could make certain she’d covered all her bases before giving him her decision.
By the end of the day, she hadn’t received a response, so she relaxed and turned her attention to finishing her work day and going home.
* * *
Dave was already seated at a table when Kay walked into the coffee shop. She noted, then dismissed her heart’s usual skip-a-beat thing, having finally resigned herself to the fact Dave would probably always have that effect on her.
…something chemical beyond my control.
Kay took Dave’s early arrival as a good omen. She knew the “waitee” usually establishes the advantage over the “waitor.” If he was, at all, nervous, she was about to sharpen his pins and needles with a self-assured stride and a stunning picture of beauty in her slim-fitted white jeans, white and navy striped tee, casual navy blazer, and a sassy splash of color from her red ballet flats. The first four tiny buttons on the tee’s v-neckline were strategically opened to project just the right amount of flirty boobitude.
Her goal, as always, was to remind him of the stark difference between her and Sandy.
Heads turned as Kay gracefully serpentined between tables making her way to Dave’s chosen location at the far corner at the back of the coffee shop.
Probably doesn’t want anyone he knows to see us together.
He jumped up when he saw Kay and hurried to pull out a chair for her. Kay tried not to let any smugness show as she watched him struggle to keep his eyes off her chest.
Always know your audience.
“You must have gotten here early,” Kay said, looking at her watch as she scooted closer to the table. 10:00 straight up. “I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.”
“Nah. I had a few things to take care of at the office this morning and I finished sooner than I expected,” he said.
“Has someone taken your order yet?” Kay asked, looking around the roo
m for an available server.
“Actually, you have to place your order at the counter. Tell me what you want and I’ll get it for you.”
I want you tell me you’re sorry for all the dirty, rotten things you’ve done to me and that you’re ready to be my friend and a reliable dad to Cory and Mariah. Good luck getting that at the counter.
“Oh. Thanks. Let me see.“ Kay squinted to read the chalk board menu behind the counter. All the selections were written in difficult-to-read pastel colored chalk. “Just get me a medium regular coffee with a splash of half and half.” There wasn’t anything on that board that was worth straining her eyes for.
Kay pulled her wallet from her purse but Dave waved her off. “No. I’ve got it. I’ll be right back.”
Dave was being gracious now, but Kay knew that was likely to change once she told him what she had come to say. At any rate, it was fun watching him trip over himself to get in her good graces.
It wasn’t long before he was back with a tray carrying two cups of steaming coffee along with a cheese Danish and thick slice of banana bread. “I didn’t have time to eat before I left the house. I know you like banana bread, but if you don’t want it, I’ll eat it.”
Dave seemed to be pulling out all the stops and it was working…sort of. Kay couldn’t help but be flattered by the fact he’d remembered her fondness for banana bread. But she had to take his gesture with a grain of salt since he was, after all, the king of ulterior motives.
“How sweet,” Kay said insincerely. “Looks half - I mean, fresh-baked.” She cut a brown, moist corner with her fork, put it in her mouth, and smiled at Dave as she chewed.
Dave ignored her cattiness and dug into his own pastry with gusto.
They both sat there eating and sipping - neither one having much to say in the way of polite chit chat. So Kay decided to lead the charge with a statement sure to provoke and embarrass her coffee-mate.
“I bet you’ve caught a lot of shit from Sandy over all these meetings with me.”
His face instantly turned red, followed by a classic denial. “Sandy knows settling these issues is just as important for our family as they are for yours.”
Does he hear himself when he’s talking?
Same Old Truths (The Reluctant Avenger) Page 15
