by Erin Trejo
“I hate her for dying in front of you, Gauge. She messed you up so badly. I tried, fuck, I tried to make it better. I just couldn’t, Gauge. I’m so sorry I couldn’t make you good,” she cries harder.
My heart breaks for her as I remember that day. I came home from school and went inside excited as fuck to show my mom what I made her for Mother’s Day. We planted flowers in small planter,s and once they bloomed we were allowed to bring them home. I even colored her a card and wrote that I loved her even though I didn’t know what that meant. I walked in the front door and ran to the kitchen where she usually sat at the table with needles in front of her. This time she was slumped against the wall, a needle sticking out of her arm. I shook her, called out to her. Begged her to answer me but she never did. I sat the flower on the table and walked to Jen’s room to find her crying, holding a needle in her hand too. I asked her what was happening and she cried harder telling me that our mom was dead and she was just like her. I watched my sister plunge a needle into her vein when I was only five years old. That image of Mom slumped in that chair will forever be burned into my memory. I will never forget that day.
“I hate her too, but you aren’t her. You have to get better. You can’t leave those girls to wonder what their mom was like or could have been. Not the way we did, Jen.”
She pulls back and sniffles looking up at me with those same blue eyes that I see in the mirror every day of my life.
“Will you take me?” she asks softly. I nod my head, lean down, and press a kiss to the top of her head before putting her in the truck.
“We have to break the fuckin’ cycle, yeah? Those girls need you, Jen. They need their mom in their lives. Don’t throw that away.” She sobs in the seat next to me as I drive toward the hospital. I grab my phone and text John to let him know that I got her and where she’ll be, begging him to not leave. He agrees to stay and I let out a sigh of relief. I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t, or what Jen would do for that matter.
“I can’t see you,” Jen says softly as we pull up to the hospital.
“I know.” She doesn’t need to explain, I already know.
“I want you here but I just can’t look at you and not hate you yet, Gauge. It’s so fucked up but I can’t,” she cries again.
I blink rapidly trying not to lose control and say or do something I don’t mean. She’s my sister and I want to help her but I can’t. I know she’s always had trouble looking at me, being near me after what happened when we were kids. It’s part of why I stay away from her and her family.
“I get it, Jen. Don’t beat yourself up about it, yeah? When you feel up to it, you call me. I’ll be here.”
She turns her head and stares at me wiping her eyes. “You will?”
“I’m not her, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I love you, Jen. You’re my family. I know how hard this is for you, I get it. You need space and I’ll give it to you, but promise me that you will do this for yourself and the girls. You have to.”
“I will. I will get better this time, I promise. I will call you this time, too. I really want you back in my life, Gauge, I just…”
“I know. Trust me, I know. Come on. I’ll help you get checked in and then let John know you’re okay.”
Twenty-Two
Dezzy
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to die? I have more than once. I think about the time that I overdosed and had my stomach pumped but I don’t remember much. If my heart stopped then, I don’t remember. The pills work just the way I want them to. My world slowly dances in front of me.
“You okay out here?” I look up at see the outline of Shaft as he towers over me.
“I’m fucking wonderful.”
“He didn’t fuck her,” he says and I laugh. Who gives a shit now? It’s over and done.
“I don’t give a fuck. He walked away from me, Shaft. He said he would never walk away from me and he did.”
“You’re fucked up, Dez. I don’t even know where he went. He isn’t answerin’ his phone,” he adds.
“And that’s my problem?”
“No, it’s not, but I’m worried about him. He wasn’t in his right mind when he stormed out of there.”
Who gives a shit what state of mind he was in? He ran, just like everyone else in my life.
“So go chase him around like a puppy if you’re so worried. I can’t help you,” I slur before downing another drink.
“You could call him. He’ll answer for you.”
I laugh again. “No he won’t. Fuck off, Shaft. He doesn’t want me and no one else does either. I’m not going to call the bastard that walked away from me!” I snap at him although I don’t know why. It isn’t like Shaft did it.
“He cares about you.”
“Oh, fuck off! He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that I’m a lost fucking cause, he doesn’t care that I fucking love him. He just doesn’t care!” What the hell am I saying? I don’t love him. I barely know him yet I can feel it. I know it’s true. He’s the only one who’s ever really given a shit about me.
“There you have it. You said it yourself - you love him,” Shaft reminds me.
“And? I’m also fucking drunk out of my mind. It’s the Jack talking.”
“No, you love him and I think he loves you too. Can you call him? Please?”
I don’t like hearing a man beg. It’s kind of annoying. He holds my phone out to me and I don’t even have the common sense to wonder why he has it. I grab it and dial Gauge’s number, listening to it ring over and over. I press the button for the speakerphone so that Shaft can listen too.
“See! He doesn’t care, Shaft! He doesn’t give a fuck if I live or die! No one does!” I drop the phone of the ground next to me and slide down to the next step in the pool.
“You’re a fucked-up person, you know that?”
“Oh, I do know that! Now fuck off and leave me alone.” Shaft huffs but he leaves. I grab the rest of the pills that are sitting on the edge of the pool and toss them into my mouth and swallow. Fuck everyone and everything. Why should I care what the fuck they think?
“Maybe I did love you. Maybe I’m just too fucked up to be loved. I guess now we will never know,” I say out loud talking to no one but me. Because there is no one, not really. I always knew my mom hated me. I thought for a while that that was what love was but the more I watched her use me, the more I knew. She hated that I was prettier than her. She hated that I was in the middle of her life. That was what she would tell me. The only reason she liked having me around was so I could bring in the men to her. Once they were good and high they would do anything she asked them to. Tipping the bottle to my lips I drink down what’s left before I toss the bottle to the side and listening to it clink onto the pavement. I shove off the steps and move out into the deeper water with a sigh.
“Everything will be okay once I’m not here. I don’t want to be here anymore. The pain, the emptiness, it’s all too much for me. I thought I could fight it, I thought I could try but I can’t. No one wants me. Everyone uses me or runs from me. What did I do to deserve this?” I cry out, head thrown back and screaming at the sky. Maybe it’s God that I’m screaming at. It has to be. Who else would have let this happen to me?
“I give up. I’m just so tired.”
Twenty-Three
Gauge
The voicemail is still running. It never hung up and I couldn’t handle hanging up either. Her words linger as all I hear now is silence. I’ve screamed her name as I sped back toward the clubhouse only to be greeted by more silence. My chest is tight and I find it hard to breathe not knowing what the hell is happening to her. As soon as I pull into the lot, I leap from the truck not bothering to turn it off. I run through the doors, my eyes searching for her but I don’t see her anywhere.
“Where is she?” My voice thunders through the room as the party keeps going. Angel’s eyes find mine as she smiles, but as soon as she sees my face, she frowns. She moves quickly, stepping up next to me.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Where the hell is Dez? She was sayin’ some stupid shit about dyin’ in my voicemail.”
“She what? I haven’t seen her since you left. Her and her mom got in a fight and Dez stormed off.”
I shove through the crowd not giving a shit who I hurt on the way. I check her room and find nothing before heading into my mine. The mess I find rips my heart open. I don’t have to look any further; I know what she was after. I storm back into the main room looking for her, but again, she isn’t there.
“What’s goin’ on?” Sly asks when he spots me.
“Where the fuck is Dez?”
“Haven’t seen her. She got into with her mom and stormed out.”
I instantly, without thinking, grab the front of his cut and jerk his face to mine. “She’s fucked out of her mind, Prez. Talkin’ about killin’ herself and you don’t know where the fuck she is?” I roar, anger washing over me.
“The pool!” Shaft snaps.
I don’t think, I just react. I let go of Sly and run toward the door with the guys right behind me. As soon as I’m close enough I see her. Her long dark hair floats around her as if she were an angel. Except angels don’t float, they fly. I’m stunned, shocked at what I’m seeing. Someone moves behind me as visions of my mom break through in my mind. Lying there, lifeless, not moving. Just like Dez.
Everything happens so quickly that I don’t even realize that we’re now at the hospital until I find myself looking around. I don’t even remember how I got here. I sit with my head in my hands wondering what I’ve done that this is my punishment. Was it the killing? Is this what I get for killing? Or from being born? What the fuck did I do and how do I fix it?
“She’s gonna be out for a while. Doc said her body needs time to heal,” I hear Sly talk but I don’t listen. Fuck that. She tried to kill herself. This is my fault. I always thought when my mom killed herself it was my fault too. I thought I had done something bad that upset her and that’s why she did it. I blame myself for Jen too, and now Dez is lying in a goddamn bed and I can feel it. I did this. I shouldn’t have left when John called. When I turned and saw the look in Dez’s eyes, I should have gone to her but I didn’t, but I knew that if John was calling it was an emergency.
“I did this,” I mumble under my breath.
“No, you didn’t. Her momma got her hooked on that shit,” Sly says resting a hand on my back. I shake it off and shove out of the chair, grabbing him yet again.
“I fuckin’ did this to her! I did what everyone else in her life does! I walked away when she fuckin’ needed me most! What the fuck kind of person have I become?” Remy and Shaft both put a hand on either shoulder, but Sly shakes his head, warning them off.
“I did this, not you. This is my fault. You warned me that she had a problem and I didn’t address it. This isn’t on you.”
“I’m killin’ her just like I did my mom,” I say softly. Sly once again shakes his head.
“You ain’t killin’ her. She needs help, brother.”
“She needs me. She fuckin’ needed me and I what did I do? I walked out! I fuckin’ walked out and left her to deal with her shit on her own! Fuck!” I roar jerking away from Sly.
I pace the waiting room wondering how the hell I let this happen again. How the fuck didn’t I see just how much she needed me? I don’t know how long I pace but it seems like forever, just lost in my own head. It isn’t until Sly taps my shoulder that I snap out of it.
“We’re headin’ back. They’re keepin’ her and there ain’t shit we can do here. Need to get some rest until she wakes up, yeah?”
“I’m not leavin’.”
“Gauge, come on.”
“I said, I’m not leavin’! You want this cut back? It’s yours, but I ain’t leavin’ this hospital. I’m not walkin’ away from her again,” I tell him as I struggled to keep my anger under control. Sly nods and turns leaving me alone. I sit back in the chair and text John.
John: I didn’t know you had a girl, Gauge. I’m sorry, man. Do you need anything?
Me: No. I’m good. Just be there when Jen needs you, man. Please.
John: I’ll be there. I love her. Take care of you too. Got it?
Me: Got it. Thanks, man.
“Are you with a Dezzy Montgomery?” a lady asks looking over her shoulder to make sure no one is near. I rise from the chair and nod.
“Yeah. She okay?”
“She’s stable. I shouldn’t be doing this - it’s against policy, but I used to know Dez.”
“Can I see her? Please? I won’t be any trouble.”
“I’m not supposed to do this but come on.”
I follow behind the girl. She doesn’t look as if she’s about to break some kind of hospital rules; no, she holds her head high as if she is going on about her regular day.
“In there. Keep the door closed, and if she happens to wake up, call for me. I’m Temple.”
I nod my head and say, “Thanks.” She leaves me alone and walk in closing the door softly behind me when I see her on that bed. Fuck what have I done? Walking over I sit in the chair and grab her hand in mine.
“What did I do to you, Dez? What the fuck did I do?”
Twenty-Four
Dezzy
I pry my eyes open and immediately regret it. The light hurts as does my head. I groan and roll my head to the side, and that’s when I see him sleeping. A hospital blanket has been placed over his body as he sleeps. I try to lift my arms but once they don’t move, I glance down to see that they are restrained.
“Fuck,” I mumble when someone giggles. Looking to the left I see the nurse. “Temple?”
“Yeah, it’s me. Wasn’t sure you’d recognize me,” she says softly.
“What’s happening?”
“You took a lot of pills and mixed it with a lot more alcohol. You’re lucky he found you so quickly,” she says nodding toward Gauge. My heart stammers in my chest. Guilt of what he had to see hits me hard.
“I’m just so tired,” I admit to her. Temple was a girl I went to school with when I was living with my dad. She was always sweet to me. Temple sits on the edge of the bed, grabbing my hand in hers.
“I understand that but there are better ways,” she says softly, keeping her voice down.
“None that I’ve found.”
“Thought I was helpin’ with that.” His voice rushes over me, sending chills over my skin. Temple smiles and releases my hand before leaving us alone. I can’t bear to look at him. Instead I look down at my lap unable to cover my face due to the restraints.
“Was I not?” Again, that voice. My God. When I don’t answer, I hear the chair move before he’s at my side. He reaches for my face, tilting it so that I have no choice but to look at him. “Was I not helpin’ you?”
“It’s not that easy, Gauge, and I think you know that.”
“It is that easy. Why can’t you let me help you, Dez?”
“Why was she in your lap?” the question that has been burning in the back of my mind comes out.
“We were all drunk, Dez,” he says running his hand over his face.
“That’s your excuse?” I huff.
“That’s all it was. We were drunk. I was a little preoccupied with my own shit in case you didn’t notice. Oh, wait. How could you notice when all you give a shit about is yourself!” he snaps releasing the grip he had on my face.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I should have stopped what I was doing and chased after you after my mom was riding your cock!” I snap. His eyes narrow on me and heat shoots through my body. I hate when he looks at me like that. Like he can break me with just his gaze.
“She wasn’t ridin’ anything.”
“Not really what it looked like to me. Besides, you ran out of there.”
“You didn’t try to stop me!”
“I mean nothing to you, Gauge. Why would I?”
“Is that why I’ve been sittin’ here for hours? Huh? Is that why I’m abo
ut to face your dad on the firin’ line for damn near beatin’ his ass over you? Does that say you mean nothin’ to me, Dezzy?” He tugs at his hair as I gasp in surprise. He’s in trouble with my dad because of me? Why?
“He will let it go once I’m not around,” I tell him softly trying to make it better.
“Is that all you really want? You want to die?” I turn to look him in the eye and I can see the hurt in him. It rips me apart but at the same time, he isn’t me, he doesn’t understand.
“Life’s too hard, Gauge.”
“No, life is easy. It’s livin’ that’s hard. You haven’t lived, Dezzy. Let me help you live,” he begs. Tears fill my eyes as I slowly shake my head.
“You’re not like me, Gauge!”
“Do you know who I am? What I’ve lived through?”
“Just leave, Gauge,” I say pulling my eyes from his intense glare.
“I was five when I found my mom dead in our house. I walked in ready to show her what I made her for Mother’s Day. She was there, slumped against the wall with a needle in her arm. I shook her, I screamed…nothin’. She was gone. Then I went to my sister’s room and watched her shoot the s-ame shit into her veins that my mom did, telling me how she was no good and was just like her. She nearly died the other night when I left. Her husband called me and freaked out because their two girls couldn’t find their mom. She hates me. She hates lookin’ at me because I ruined her life. I made her into the fuckin’ junkie that is killin’ her today. The same way my goddamn mom did. Now you tell me just how bad your fuckin’ life is, Dezzy!” He screams so loudly that the nurses and security come storming into the room. Tears fall down my cheeks.
“Sir, it’s time for you to go now,” one of the security officers says.
