Gauge : SBMC Maryland

by Erin Trejo

  “Tell me, Dez. Tell me all your fuckin’ sob stories and let’s see whose is worse. Will that make you understand me?” he roars once more.

  “Sir,” the guard warns once more. Gauge ignores them and steps closer to my bed, grabbing my chin in his hand once more.

  “I can’t watch you kill yourself, Dezzy. I watched them; I sat with her dead body. I can’t fuckin’ go through that again. I’m so goddamn sorry that I couldn’t help you. I wish to God that I could but this is what happened. I didn’t touch your mom, Dez. The only one I wanted was you,” he says gently before pressing his lips to my forehead.

  “Wanted?” I ask looking up at him.

  “I hate myself for not knowin’ what was happenin’ with my mom.”

  “You were a kid, Gauge. A baby.”

  “I can see it in you, Dez. I can’t watch you die, baby. I’m sorry.” Gauge turns on his heel and heads toward the door, security and Temple watching him as he moves.

  “You’re walking away from me again?” I yell. I know I’m being selfish and I hate it, but it’s the best I can do right now. Gauge lowers his head, letting it hang between his defeated shoulders. Slowly, he looks over his shoulder and nods.

  “I don’t want to, Dezzy. I know you have so much more in you to give but like this?” He points to the bed and around the room. “I can’t do it again. I lost a piece of myself when she died. I lost even more as I watched my sister spiral down the same hole as her. I can’t stand to see you doin’ the same. I’m sorry, darlin’.”

  With that he walks away as I scream at him. My words make no sense, my mind is running too quickly to even comprehend. Temple moves to my side, brushing the hair away from my face as I cry.

  “Things will get better, honey.” Her words mean nothing to me. Not one fucking thing because I’m slowly spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

  Twenty-Five

  Gauge

  I hit the bag harder and harder with each punch I throw. My knuckles are raw but that does nothing to stop me from unraveling on the inside. My mind is spiraling out of control and the longer she’s stuck in that hospital the worse it gets.

  “You could go see her,” Shaft says as I drag my eyes to meet his. He’s seen her. He’s been there almost every day that she can have visitors, but not me.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why are you pushin’ me?” I snap, moving in his direction. Shaft stands taller, ready for my anger to be thrown his way.

  “I’m not pushin’ you. It’s been four weeks, brother. You haven’t been to see her once.”

  I shrug and turn back to the bag that Remy’s holding and pound it some more.

  “He’s right. You ain’t been to see her and it’s fuckin’ with her head,” Sly says from behind me. Him and I haven’t spoken much since that night. He knows that I’ve been with her but for whatever reason he hasn’t called me out on it yet.

  “I don’t want to see her,” I respond, taking another swing. Sly moves quickly, grabbing me by the back of the neck and spinning me to face him.

  “I’m tired of this shit, Gauge! You’re my goddamn VP and my best friend. You’re also the one fuckin’ my kid. Now what the hell is goin’ on?” He snaps, his voice thundering through the room.

  I hate that it’s coming to this. I hate that my best friend is looking at me like I’m a monster but he is.

  “I’m still your fuckin’ VP and best friend, Sly. I’m still me. All the other shit? That’s over.”

  “So you fucked her over?”

  I shrug my shoulders, because frankly I don’t know what I did anymore. I thought I was helping her in a way but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was making her worse. I don’t really know anymore. Before either of us can say anything else, Sly’s fist connects with my cheek. I stumble back, not prepared for that blow.

  “What the fuck is this, Sly?” I ask reaching up to my face.

  “This is the war you wanted. I warned all of you to stay the fuck away from my kid, yeah? You just had to get in there didn’t you?”

  I know what he’s doing and if he needs to release his frustrations on me, I’ll let him. Hell, I welcome it.

  “You know it wasn’t like that,” I tell him but it’s too late. He moves in, his fist slamming into my ribs, knocking the air from my lungs. I move this time, punching him back. This goes on for a while until we both hear her speak.

  “What the hell is this? My welcome home party?” Sly and I both turn to see Dezzy standing there watching the two of us. We drag our asses off the floor and stand.

  “When did you get out?” Sly asks sounding a little more concerned than me. I didn’t think she’d stay for treatment. She’s too far gone for that.

  “I’m an adult. I was only on a forty-eight hour suicide watch,” she says. I nearly gasp when she says that. She stayed in there? On her own?

  “They said there was a six-month program,” Sly says.

  The look on Dez’s face is haunted. She doesn’t know how to respond and Sly doesn’t say another word. It’s awkward as fuck.

  “It’s nice to be home. Thanks for the warm fucking welcome,” she snaps before spinning on her heel and walking away. Shaft moves quickly, leaving the room with Remy behind him.

  “You plan on tellin’ her that Shelby is missin’?”

  I ask knowing that Sly might not want to talk to me right now. Not that I give two shits.

  “No. I don’t need her freakin’ out again. When I get a hit on Shelby, we’ll move in.”

  “Are we good?”

  He looks over at me and sighs. “You messed with her head, Gauge. I heard all about the feelin’s she has for you and I think she needs you now more than ever.”

  “It’s not that simple, Sly. You don’t get it.”

  “I know about your mom and sister.” The fuck?

  “What the fuck do you mean?” I growl.

  “I looked into you, Gauge. Never done that shit before in my life but I found you bein’ close to her a good thing. I wanted to know why you ran from her the same fuckin’ way I did,” he admits. I run my hand over my face before I look over at him again.

  “Now you know. I can’t fuckin’ help her if she don’t want it. You know that as well as I do.”

  “You had a shit past but so have all of us. Would you turn your back on your sister?” His words piss me off to the point I want to swing again but he’s right. I wouldn’t turn my back on my sister but this isn’t my family.

  “I think the question is would you? I’m not tryin’ to be the asshole here, brother, but you’ve walked before. I know where my head’s at here,” I tell him. Sly nods slowly, understanding washing over him.

  “Where’s your heart at?”

  Fuck! I storm from the room, tugging at my hair as every fucking emotion I’ve ever felt courses through me. Heading toward my room, I slam into her. Grabbing her shoulders, I hold her steady so she doesn’t fall on her ass. My eyes slowly lower to hers and it kills me to see the need in them.

  “Sorry,” she mumbles, trying to pull out of my grasp. I don’t let her. In fact, I hold tighter.

  “You’re doin’ better?”

  “I’m fine, Gauge. You don’t have to worry about me anymore. I have a new shrink and everything!”

  she says faking her excitement.

  “I do worry about you though. Look, I’m sorry about the way I left, Dez. You just don’t understand.”

  “I do understand. More than you could know. I’m a fuck up. I always have been. People walk away from me all the time and I have to learn to deal with that. It’s not you, I know it’s me,” she says softly trying to keep the tears from falling.

  I hate that that’s the way she views her life. I hate that that’s all she’s been given, and I hate the fact that I’m one of the ones who walked away from her. I try to think, I try to come up with some way to tell her what I’m feeling, but I come up with nothing. Instead, I lean down and press my lips to
hers, waiting for her to pull away and push me back but she doesn’t. She kisses me back, softly, sweetly. Not like anything we’ve shared before. When she does pull away, the tears are falling down her cheeks.

  “I wish I was different or someone else.”

  “I wouldn’t care about you if you were someone else, Dezzy. You, that’s who I care about. I’m just as fucked in the head as you are and I’m afraid I’m gonna drag you back down.”

  “I’m pretty sure I’ve hit rock bottom, Gauge. There’s nowhere left for me to fall.” Dez pulls out of my grasp and walks past me, my heart breaking a little more. What the hell do I do now?

  Twenty-Six

  Dezzy

  They say you trade one bad habit for another. I’ve traded my drugs and alcohol for sex and cigarettes. Gauge doesn’t question me or say anything when I come into his room at night. It’s almost as if he knows that I need him. I can’t say that our relationship is better because it’s not. We fuck and I leave. I don’t know what he thinks about all of it because I don’t ask. The itch to shoot up is there, but when I step into Gauge’s presence, it all fades. He’s a drug. My drug. I can’t get enough yet I can’t pull away.

  “You okay?” Shaft asks before sitting down next to me. I take another drag from my cigarette and nod.

  “I think so. Some days are better than others,” I admit. Shaft moves to slip his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side.

  “We all have those days. You look good. Gettin’ some meat back on your bones,” he teases.

  “Not that anyone cares about that. I’ve seen the things you sleep with,” I tease making him laugh.

  “You look good, Dez. A lot better than you did.” I know he’s right. I’ve watched the transition in myself over the last few weeks. I have a better appetite and I find that my face is less haunted looking than it used to be.

  “It’s weird to just let your mind wander and not have so much fogging it. I guess I never really realized that the drugs were holding me back so badly. It’s kind of an eye opener.”

  “Are you ready to change though? You know that’s the only way this works, yeah?” he asks me.

  “Some days I think I am. Others I feel it’s easier to just shoot up and let it all go. When I’m lost in that world nothing can hurt me.”

  “But it’s not healthy. You aren’t you when you’re like that. You know I’m here, yeah?”

  “I know, Shaft. You’ve been a good friend to me. I can’t thank you enough for coming to see me,” I admit as I glance up at him. That smirk on his face tells me there’s more to it than that.

  “Wasn’t just about you. That nurse of yours was hot as fuck, babe.”

  “Temple?” I ask wrinkling my nose at him.

  “Yeah. Weird ass name but whatever. I’d hit that,” he laughs.

  “She’s a nice girl. Don’t go corrupting her with your nastiness,” I tease. “Speaking of nasty, do you know where my mom went?” His smile fades quickly. What the hell? I’ve asked around since I’ve been back but I’ve never gotten a straight answer. If anyone will tell me, I feel like it will be Shaft.

  “We aren’t supposed to add more shit to your plate, Dez,” he says before shoving off the seat next to me. I do the same, moving behind him.

  “What the fuck does that mean?” He walks toward the door when I move to stand in front of him. “Shaft?” He runs his hand through his hair looking pissed off.

  “She’s gone. Ran the fuck off after what happened. We can’t find the bitch but when we do…” His words linger in the air.

  “What does that mean? Why do you need to find her?” I push further. Shaft shifts from foot to foot like he’s unsure how to move forward here. It aggravates me.

  “She’s threatenin’ to throw your name out. That’s why she was here. She told your dad that she would turn you in with the guy if he didn’t agree to it. She was gonna have you locked up for as long as she could.” What the hell? I gasp and take a step back away from him, needing space.

  “No one told me,” I say softly when Shaft steps closer.

  “This is why! Look at you! You were a fuckin’ mess then, you think we want you to relapse now? This is on us, Dezzy! We will handle her,” Shaft snaps before grabbing my shoulders and shaking me a little.

  I wish Gauge was here. I wish he wasn’t out on a run so that I could scream at him because he had to have known. There is no way that he’s the goddamn VP and didn’t know.

  “What’s this?” Speak of the fucking asshole and he appears. Shaft and I both turn to see Gauge pulling his riding gloves off and stuffing them into his jacket pocket. My eyes are full of anger just like the rest of my body. If looks could kill, Gauge would be on the ground right now.

  “You knew all this and never told me? You say you care but you kept it all to yourself?” I scream, my fists clenching at my sides. Gauge looks between me and Shaft.

  “What are you talkin’ about?” he asks as he approaches.

  Rage courses through my veins. I want nothing more than to snort a line, shoot something, hurt myself but the way he’s looking at me, I can’t.

  “My mom! You knew why she was here, didn’t you? No one wants poor little Dezzy to break so it’s all a big fucking secret, right?” Gauge’s eyes narrow on Shaft, anger flaring his nostrils.

  “You told her?”

  “I’m not stupid, Gauge! Did you think I wouldn’t find out? Why is everyone so hell bent on keeping me in the dark?” I scream louder.

  “You wanna know why? Because you were killin’ yourself! That’s why! None of us wanted to come here and find you floatin’ in the goddamn pool, Dezzy!” Gauge’s eyes are wild as he no doubt remembers that night.

  “Is that why the pool’s been drained? Oh my God, it is isn’t it?” Looking between the two of them my heart sinks. “Did you hide the kitchen knives too? You know, just to be safe?” My snarky mouth doesn’t get me anywhere but I try.

  “You think it’s funny? You think findin’ you in that goddamn pool didn’t kill a part of me?” Gauge roars.

  “Oh, please. Don’t act like you give two shits if I live or die. There’s plenty of whores around here,” I say motioning to the bitches currently glued to the window watching us right now. Gauge doesn’t break eye contact with me though. No, those blue eyes burn straight into my soul, sucking out what’s left of me. He takes slow deliberate steps toward me, stopping when we are nearly nose to nose.

  “Is that what you think I want? I don’t say a word when you come into my room and get fucked. You don’t say anything when you’re screamin’ my name. Don’t you think that if I wanted someone else I would have gotten someone else?” His voice is low with a deadly tone. It sends a chill down my spine.

  “Just admit I’m a problem for you. You can’t even look at me like you used to.”

  “I admit you are a goddamn problem for me. You wanna know why?”

  I cross my arms over my chest feeling that all too familiar ache in my chest.

  “You’re a problem for me because I can’t seem to walk away. I can’t keep myself from bein’ near you, and even though I can see my mom in your eyes, I still can’t stop myself from lovin’ you!”

  Twenty-Seven

  Gauge

  I had to walk away before I lost my shit. She’s pushing me too far and I can’t handle it. I don’t know how. As I storm through the main room, she stops me with her words.

  “You can’t say that and walk away from me. Goddamn it, Gauge!”

  I turn to face Dez watching the tears slip down her cheeks. She breaks my heart but worse? She breaks me. She weakens me in good ways but I can’t watch her get lost again.

  “You’re gonna have to grow up one day, Dez. People leave, it’s what they do. You have to learn to accept that and move on with your life. Killin’ yourself isn’t gonna change anything.”

  “You love me,” she says softly ripping at my heart.

  “I didn’t choose to. I didn’t plan on it, but yeah, I do.”r />
  “Then why did you walk away?” Her voice is so fucking small that it kills me to hear it. I walk toward her slowly until I’m a breath away. Grabbing her face in my hands, I look her in the eye.

  “I’m not walkin’ away. I’m givin’ you space. There’s a big fuckin’ difference, Dez. I don’t think that I could walk away from you even if I had to. You wreck me. You break me down until I can’t think straight. Don’t you fuckin’ know that I’d do anything in the goddamn world for you? Anything but watch you die,” I admit. The tears fall faster until I release her face and jerk her into my chest. Dez sobs as I hold her close to me. I don’t want to let her go. I never have.

  “I’m sorry, Gauge. I’m sorry I scared you and I’m sorry I am who I am,” she cries harder.

  “I’m not sorry for who you are. I’m sorry for what happened to you but that’s over now. You got me, darlin’. I ain’t goin’ anywhere.” She pulls back and looks up at me with those dark eyes.

  “You promise?”

  God, I hate that she needs to hear it that much. Not that I don’t want to assure her but the fact that she needs a promise that someone will be there for her pisses me off.

  “I promise. I’m not goin’ anywhere, Dez, and neither are you,” I tell her. She nods her head and that’s when I know this is more than I ever expected it to be. This connection between us runs deeper than I thought. She’s something I need and want. I lean in and kiss her roughly, tangling her tongue with mine. It’s heated and full of need. I lift Dez in my arms and walk toward my room needing to be alone with her. Needing to hear her breathing, screaming my name, crying. I just need to hear her and know that she’s here with me in the moment. Kicking the door closed behind me, I set her on her feet.

  “Tell me somethin’,” I say to her.

  She smiles and licks her lips. “Tell you what?”

  “Tell me that you’ll come to me. Whenever the road feels too hard to walk, whenever the storm is too hard to manage, you’ll come to me.” Her smiles slowly fades as reality sets in. This isn’t something we can combat overnight. I know addictions and I know how hard they can be on a person. I’ve lived through it, but I can’t lose Dez to it.