by Erin Trejo
Stay calm, Dez, I keep repeating that in my head.
“Since I’m back in with my dad. He’s got a lot of people looking for stuff,” I lie. Although if they were looking, Mario would be the one with purest products.
“That right? Going big time on me?” His eyes burn into mine. Something’s off and I can feel it.
“Not even close. Just helping my dad out with a party he’s having soon.” Sweat beads on my temples, some rolling down my spine. Mario watches me intently until he pushes a chair out next to him.
“Sit down and let’s talk,” he says. I nod and sit in the chair.
“How much we talking here?”
“What do you have on you?”
He laughs, throwing his head back before he moves. It’s so fast that I didn’t see him coming. His fist slams into my jaw, knocking my head to the side.
“Do you think I’m stupid? You disappear, your mom disappears! You have me fucked up, Dezzy!”
My face screams in pain as I pull my head back to look at him. “My mom threw me in jail for her shit! Your shit. And you have the balls to be pissed at me?” I sneer.
“Word on the street is you tried to kill yourself. Got off this stuff,” he says nodding to the powder on the table. Damn him!
“Word on the street is wrong,” I inform him as I try my best to stay calm. I eye the powder and my mouth waters. One little taste is all it would take. Just one.
“Is it? Then let’s do this. You want my product? Test it,” he says motioning to the powder on the table.
My insides tumble and fall. I watch Mario as he lights up the spoon and melts the powder into a pretty liquid before sucking it into the syringe. My breathing has kicked up as I watch him. Such a familiar sight. I’ve done it for years. Just one more wouldn’t hurt me, would it? I could stop again. I could do it just this once to prove that I’m straight to Mario and then stop again. He holds the needle out to me. I reach across the table and take it, looking it over as my chest rises and falls.
“What’s wrong, Dez?” he taunts me.
Looking at the needle, flashes of Gauge taunt me too. The words he said to me. He loves me. I can use him. I can count on him.
“Come on Dez!” Mario roars as my vision blurs.
I can do this. I can, I know I can. In the matter of seconds, noises sound around us. Gunshots ring through the room as Mario falls to the floor. I hear the guys clearing the other rooms before I feel hands on my shoulders. I don’t move; I sit there stunned staring at the needle like it’s a mirage and fighting myself.
“Dez, darlin’. You don’t need to do this. It’s all over,” Shaft’s voice rings in my head.
Even though I hear him, I’m trapped inside myself. My mouth still waters, my skin itching. All it would take is one quick stab and a plunge. Everything else would fade away.
“Dezzy, come on, baby,” my dad’s voice sounds through the room. Someone pulls me from the chair as I’m lost in the sight. My dad’s hand wraps around the one holding the needle as tears stream down my cheeks.
“It’s so hard, Dad. I thought I was stronger,” I sob. He pulls the needle from my fingers before tossing it and spinning me in his arms.
“You are strong, darlin’. You didn’t do it. You didn’t use it,” he repeats as he runs his hand up and down my back.
“I wanted to, though. I could taste it on the tip of my tongue,” I cry into his chest.
“Yeah, you could taste it but you resisted it, Dez. You did good. I’m proud of you,” he says catching me by surprise. I jerk back and stare up at him.
“You are?” I ask narrowing my eyes on him.
“More than you know,” he says reaching up to wipe the tears from my cheeks.
“I want to go home,” I whisper.
“Home?”
“With you. I want to go home, Dad.”
“You are, Dez.” He wraps his arm around my shoulders as he leads me out of the room.
It’s a somber feeling to have to know that the place you used to frequent so often is the place that could kill you. The urge is there and I’m sure it always will be, but now I have people who care about me. I have people who want what’s best for me and I need to focus on the good in my life. When we step outside I let out a breath of relief.
“Is it over?” I ask my dad. He looks to Shaft then back to me as I follow his line of sight.
“Almost.”
“You have her?” I ask softly, my voice cracking.
“I don’t wanna do it like this, Dez. I didn’t want it to be this way but I don’t think there’s another choice,” he says sounding heartbroken.
Hearing the pain in his voice hits me square in the chest. Something inside of me snaps. I love my mom in our sick way but the fact that she used me doesn’t change anything. She threw me away when she thought it would benefit her. That’s not love.
“I get it, Dad. I do. I’m glad that you’re protecting me now.”
He nods his head slowly before pulling me back into a hug. Something else is tugging at my gut, though. If dad is here taking care of Mario, then that means Gauge is with my mom.
Thirty-One
Gauge
I could make it quick, painless. Or, I could draw it out and make her pay. Both seem like a waste to me. I want her to know how much she fucked up, but the more she looks at me with that smile on her face, the more I want to choke her.
“Are you going to get this over with?” she asks, pissing me off a little further.
“A little eager for your own death, yeah?”
Her eyes widen at that. Apparently, she didn’t know what was about to happen to her. That brings me a moment of satisfaction
“You wouldn’t kill me. Sly wouldn’t allow it.” That smirk on her face disgusts me.
“Who do you think sent me?” Her smile fades as she looks around at the other guys. No one speaks or looks her way but Old Barnie. He steps up next to me, taking the knife from my hand.
“There are many things that piss me off. I hated you from the day you stepped foot in that clubhouse and I hated you even more when you had Dez. I knew you didn’t want that girl and the way you would toss her around to any whore who would entertain her so you could be who you wanted to be just killed me inside,” he says, looking Shelby in the eyes.
“I got this, OB.”
He glances over his shoulder and shakes his head.
“I’ve learned a few things over my years as a Bastard. I learned respect. I learned patience. I learned that when you hate somethin’ so much it consumes you and there is nothin’ you can do to stop it. You, Shelby, are that hate inside of me. You wrecked Sly. You tore his goddamn heart out, but when you took Dez and did what you did? Fuck, woman. Hate grew into somethin’ bigger than I could ever imagine.”
“Oh, fuck off! You were mad that I didn’t fuck you before him,” Shelby hisses angrily, only causing OB to laugh.
“You know at first I was. I thought you were into me, but the more I watched you the more I knew what you were. A goddamn useless whore,” he says keeping his eyes on her.
I want to step in but I also want to watch this play out. I step back and lean against the wall as he moves toward her.
“You would do it? Huh? You would kill me?” She laughs haughtily, fully believing she had more influence and power over him.
Something in his eyes flashes before he slides the blade across her throat. She chokes as he chuckles, startled realization painted across her face at what he did. Slowly her life fades from her. OB and I just want the end of the stupid bitch who never realized what she could have had in her life. Good riddance.
A text draws me out of my thoughts. It’s Shaft saying their end is finished and they are headed back to the clubhouse. I text Shaft back and tell him to have Dez pack a bag and get ready. OB walks toward me, wiping the blood from that bitch on his pants before handing me my knife. I take it and fold it, sliding it back into my pocket.
“You good, brother?” I ask. OB chuc
kles and nods.
“I’m good. Let’s get you back to our girl.”
I nod my head not arguing with him. I’m ready to hold her in my arms and get on with this shit.
“That other taken care of?” I ask glancing over my shoulder at him.
“Of course it is. What the hell? You think I’m a prospect or what?” OB teases. I shake my head and huff out a laugh.
“Hell no. Just want this shit all over with, brother.”
“It’s over with.”
We head out to the bikes and head back to the clubhouse. It doesn’t take us long to get there. As soon as I pull in, Dez is standing there chewing her lip with a bag over her shoulder. I can’t stop the smile that crosses my face when she looks over and sees me. Her eyes light up, a smile curling her lips. She runs toward me as I climb off my bike, catching her when she leaps into my arms.
“You miss me that much?” I tease. She kisses my neck and holds on tightly. Sly gives me a nod before heading inside the clubhouse.
“God, I can’t believe how hard that was,” she sighs into my skin. The warmth of her breath stirs my emotions.
“You did it, though. You got passed it. Now we gotta go,” I tell her pulling her off my neck. I walk over to the bike and nod at her to get on. Her smile is infectious. My heart leaps when she looks at me like this, like she’s finally free and happy. She climbs on not asking questions or caring and that’s the part that tells me how much she trusts me. I can’t stop the elation I feel inside. She trusts me and that’s a huge step for us.
We ride in a silence that calms me. I didn’t tell her where we were going and I hope that she isn’t offended. When I see the turn off my heart speeds up. This is a huge step for me and I hope I’m not making a mistake bringing her here. I pull into the parking lot and kill the engine before helping Dez off. She eyes the building as I give John and the girls a wave.
“Where are we?”
“That’s my sister’s husband and my nieces. She’s in treatment here and it’s family day. I want you to understand me the way I understand you, Dez.” Her eyes fill with tears before I lean down and kiss her softly.
“Are you sure?” I take a deep breath and grab her face in my hands.
“I’ve never been so sure in my life. You and her have a lot in common. You’re both workin’ past the addiction and pain. I think you can help each other, and honestly, I want you to meet the person that raised me.” This is a huge step for me especially bringing Dez along for the ride. I never thought that we’d be here.
“She’s going to hate me,” Dez says biting her lip between her teeth. I chuckle.
“No, she’s gonna love you, Dez. Just like I love you.”
Sometimes our fairy tales don’t always play out like they do in the books. Sometimes we have to fight harder for what we want. In the real world, this is our life. It doesn’t matter how long or how hard the road was, it matters that at the end of it, we’re together. Everything isn’t perfect but they never are in life. We’re just taking it one day at a time and I don’t know that I could be happier with that. I know that we’re on the right path.
The end.
Afterword
Thank you for reading and as always if you enjoyed please leave a review!
Next up is Shaft!
