“He’s got a charming side, though. He may have convinced them he cares how you are. I’m sure, on some level, he really does.”
My heart twisted with pathetic hope. “You think?”
She nodded. “Alcoholism is terrible. It makes people desperate. I think he’s shitty and undeserving of you, but I also think in his own way, he loves you.”
I didn’t let the shame I felt fully sink in. Instead, I blurted, “There’s a part of me that loves him, too.”
“Of course there is, baby.” She cupped my cheek in her hand.
“You don’t think that’s pathetic?”
“Of course not. I think it’s human. It takes a lot of strength to turn away someone you love when they want something you could easily give them. But you know in your heart that would just be enabling him.”
I put my hands on her hips and pulled her onto my lap. Straddling me, she rested her forehead against mine. My body reacted in its usual way to her closeness: with both raging arousal and a peaceful relaxation. For me, Joss was both the calm and the storm.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice hoarse with emotion.
“For what?” she murmured.
“For what you said to him.”
She kissed one of my cheeks, then the other. “I meant every word.”
“I know. And this time when I heard you say those things, instead of feeling undeserving, I felt . . . I don’t know, proud, I guess.”
“I love you so much, Carson. I’ve never been so happy.”
“Me either.” I leaned back and met her eyes. “And I was just thinking . . . since we spend every morning sleeping at either your place or mine, and now we’ve got this dog to raise together . . . what if we get rid of my place?”
Her eyes widened with surprise. “You want to move in together?”
“Yeah. I mean, if you do. If you don’t, I—”
“Yes. I do.” She smiled, her eyes bright with happiness.
“Okay, good.”
“We’re moving in together!” Joss kissed me, her passion stoking my arousal.
I gripped her hips and pulled her against me, eliciting a moan. Within seconds, her hands were in my hair and she was grinding against me.
“Fuck . . . babe.” I could barely make words; the feel of her was making me crazy.
I slid a hand down the back of her sweatpants, squeezing one ass cheek and then the other. She scrambled off my lap and pulled the sweats and her panties off in one fluid motion.
“Oh hell, Joss.” I tore my eyes away from her body to make sure all the blinds were closed.
Thank fuck they were. I didn’t want to focus on anything but her. She was pulling off the T-shirt now, followed by her bra.
I unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans in record time, lifting my hips to get my clothes off from my sitting position. As soon as I did, Joss returned to my lap, my dick sinking into her as she straddled me.
Our moans and groans filled the room as she rode me, her hands on my shoulders and mine wrapped around the soft, smooth curves of her ass. I was quickly building up to an intense orgasm, the sight of her bouncing breasts and open mouth making it hard to hold back.
Fuck, it was good. Perfect. I could tell she was close to coming when all of a sudden, the puppy started yipping near our feet.
“Ignore her,” Joss said in a breathy tone.
I tried not to smile as fur brushed across one of my feet, followed by a wet puppy lick.
“No . . .” Joss cried in a pleading tone. “Don’t ruin this, dog. Please.”
I drove my hips up and pulled her ass down, burying myself so deep inside her she gasped. Then I took over, fucking her hard and fast. When she was almost there, I put my mouth on one of her nipples, licking it and then biting down the way I knew she loved.
She arched her back as she came, and I finished with a loud groan a second later, holding her against me until I’d unloaded every drop into her.
When she tipped her head back my way and met my eyes, she gave me a slow, sexy smile. “We should decide to move in together more often.”
“Anytime you want, babe.”
The puppy yipped at us, vying for attention.
“I need to take her out,” I said.
Joss slid off me and picked up her clothes. “There’s a leash in my trunk.”
“I’ll go get it as soon as I’m dressed.”
“Hey, what are we going to call her?”
I couldn’t look away as she walked toward the bathroom, her ponytail swishing back and forth against the golden skin of her bare back.
“Um . . .” I couldn’t form a thought until she’d disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the door open. “How about Lola?”
“I like that,” she called.
“Yeah? That was the name of a dog we had with us overseas. We lost her after she took a bad fall. She was a really good girl.”
“Lola it is,” Joss said.
I nodded and went to grab my jeans and boxers from the floor. The dog was squatting and pissing right next to them.
“Okay, that one’s my fault, Lola,” I said, stepping into my boxers. “I knew you needed to go out.”
She bounded over to me, licking my bare feet. I couldn’t believe that less than an hour ago, my dad had been here. I felt light and . . . happy. Really happy.
Joss had that effect on me, though. Now that we were moving in together, I hoped we could be this way all the time. I planned to do everything in my power to make her as happy as she made me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Joss
I sat down at the main OB floor desk and stared quietly at nothing for a few seconds. A glance at the clock told me it was nearly 5:00 a.m. It felt later to me.
“How’d it go?” Hattie asked, sitting down next to me.
Despite my fatigue, I smiled. “Perfect. Mama has two healthy baby boys.”
“Good job. Heard it was a rough one.”
I nodded. “The second twin wouldn’t turn for anything. But the mom had her heart set on a vaginal delivery, so we worked through it.”
“You gonna get out of here on time?”
“No way. I’ll be lucky to leave by noon.” I took a sip of the coffee I’d poured on my way to the desk. “You?”
She nodded. “Same. Maybe we can grab lunch if we’re leaving about the same time.”
“That would be great. We haven’t caught up in a while.”
She smiled, but something about her expression made me suspicious. “Wait a minute. Is there something you need to tell me? Is that why you want to have lunch?”
Hattie wouldn’t look at me, but her shrug was my answer.
“What is it?” I took another big sip of coffee.
“Let’s talk about it over lunch,” she demurred.
I sighed heavily. “So it’s bad. Just tell me.”
She looked from side to side to make sure no one was within earshot, her expression serious. “Nips is talking a lot of shit about you, girl. Saying you and Dean have been hooking up and that you’re trying to get him to fight for custody of the baby so you can raise it with him.”
My mouth dropped open with shock. “That’s crazy, Hattie. I haven’t even spoken to Dean. Why would she be saying that?”
“Well, I know Dean has been running his mouth around the ER. Saying he may go for custody and that he’s working on getting back with you.”
I gripped my coffee mug so tightly my knuckles burned. “Working on it? What a load of shit. I’m with Carson.”
“I know.” Hattie patted my hand. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I didn’t mean to upset you, but I thought I should let you know.”
I gave her a grateful smile. “Thanks. I’m glad you did.” I glanced at the clock again. “Hey, can you cover me while I take a quick break?”
“Sure thing, baby girl.” Hattie winked at me and looked down at her phone screen, smiling as she read a text.
I set down my coffee cup and stood, heading for the e
levator. This shit with Dean had gone on long enough. I was seething over being made into the bad guy by Amanda when I’d been the only one of the three of us who hadn’t done a damn thing wrong.
The elevator ride down to the ER was short, but it felt long to me. I tapped my foot on the floor, arms crossed. I wasn’t even trying to hide my scowl. Carson and I were happy, and I wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of that. He wasn’t one to listen to rumors, but I didn’t want anyone thinking I’d ever run around on him, whether it was true or not.
Dean was standing at the main ER desk with a couple of nurses. As I approached, he gave me a surprised smile. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I glared at him. “You need to quit this talk about us getting back together. It’s never happening, and I haven’t given you any reason to believe it was.”
The nurses both looked away, finding anything but this conversation to focus on.
“Joss.” Dean lowered his brows, looking confused. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”
“No. I’m never talking to you alone again. You’d twist any conversation we had to make it sound like it was about ‘us,’ and there is no us. We’re divorced. We haven’t been within three feet of each other since before we were divorced, and we never will be again. I’m with Carson now. Leave me alone, Dean.”
The doctors and nurses around us had quieted, all trying to listen without being obvious about it. That was exactly what I wanted.
Dean gave me an exasperated look. “Fine, Joss. You made your point. Let me get back to work.”
“Not yet.” My pulse pounded with the anger that was coursing through me. “I’ve got one more thing to tell you, and then I hope we never speak again. Amanda is pregnant with your child, Dean. She needs you. She didn’t knock herself up, and she deserves your support right now. Man up and do the right thing for once.”
I turned and walked back toward the elevator, a few people sneaking glances at me on the way. My head stayed rightfully high. I had nothing to be sorry for.
As I stepped into the elevator and looked out into the bustling ER, I felt a sense of accomplishment. This time, I hadn’t laid low in shame as the rumor mill churned. I’d faced Dean head on. Hopefully, for the last time. Dean was my past. Carson was my present and my future.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Carson
I looked around in the semidarkness. I was sitting in bed, the bright sunlight just barely peeking around the edges of the blackout curtains in Joss’s bedroom.
It was actually our bedroom now. I’d moved in with her a couple of weeks ago, and I hadn’t had a nightmare since, until now.
“Shit,” I muttered, putting my head in my hands.
I was breathing hard and sweating. Joss was sitting next to me, one of her palms resting on my back.
“You okay?” she asked softly, kissing my shoulder.
“Yeah . . . sorry I woke you up.”
“It’s okay. I’ll go back to sleep.”
Lola got up from her spot at the foot of our bed and came to my lap, curling up there. We hadn’t lasted long kenneling her, because she loved being in bed with us. I put a hand on her warm, soft back and kissed the top of Joss’s head.
“Sorry, babe,” I said.
“You don’t need to apologize.” She rubbed her hand across my back in a soothing arc. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. “It was just . . . the usual, I guess. Replaying combat, but it turns even worse in the nightmares. I get shot and can’t move. Then I see those fucking terrorists coming toward me, and I know I’m about to be dismembered slowly.” I blew out a breath. “Fuck.”
“I’m sorry, love.” Joss kissed my shoulder again. “That sounds terrifying.”
“Yeah.”
She glanced at the clock, and I did, too. It was almost noon. We’d only been asleep for about two hours.
“Will you do something for me?” she asked.
“Hmm?”
“Will you try to go back to sleep instead of getting up?”
“I don’t want to wake you up again.”
She ran her hand from my back up into my hair, her fingertips brushing over my scalp in that way that always made me smile. “I don’t mind you waking me up, though. Not at all. You need some more sleep.”
“Yeah, but it’s hard to go back to sleep after . . .”
“I know, but can you just try? We can talk until you’re sleepy again if you want.”
I couldn’t say no to her hopeful tone. I picked Lola up and settled her in between us as we laid back down. She curled up and was snoring softly again in no time.
Me, on the other hand . . . not so much. My heart had returned to its normal rate, but I was wide awake. Joss and I were both on our sides, facing each other, and I could just make out the outline of her face in the near-darkness.
“What should we do with our day off this weekend?” she asked, yawning.
“Fuck our brains out?”
She gave an appreciative hum and smiled. “Done. What about the other twenty-three and a half hours, though?”
“Hey.” I smacked her ass with feigned offense. “What are you insinuating?”
She laughed, and somehow the rich sound managed to turn me on. “Nothing. You’re magnificent in bed. I’m just saying that we know each other well now. We can get the job done without spending six hours in bed.”
“Or we can spend six hours and get the job done many times.”
“Mm-hmm, as many times as you want, babe.” She yawned again.
Within thirty seconds, her breathing had evened out. So much for talking until I was sleepy.
I ran a hand over her soft hair, which always smelled like coconuts. The sweet scent usually drifted into my consciousness before I was even awake in the morning.
“I never want to disappoint you,” I said softly. “No one’s ever seen me the way you do. Like I’m everything you could ever want or need. But what if I’m not?”
Lola gave a little puppy yelp in her sleep and then curled back up against Joss, who didn’t even seem to notice. She was completely out.
I kept talking to her, anyway. “You think I’m nothing like my father, but what if he wasn’t always like that? What if having me turned him that way? Or just . . . life?”
Though I badly wanted to believe I was nothing like him, there was always a glimmer of doubt. I was his son, after all. I’d kept to myself for all my adult life because I worried I’d be toxic to others, just like he was.
Until the army, and then Joss. The soldiers I’d served in combat with were bonded to me forever. They cared for me, and I for them, in a way even families couldn’t understand. We’d been to hell and back together. Toxic or not, they were stuck with me.
But Joss had been the first person to make me want more for myself. To make me wonder if there was more to me than I knew. Living together should have been a big deal to me—a step I had to think over and ponder from all directions, but it hadn’t. With her, it had felt right in every way.
For the first time, I didn’t want to be alone most of the time anymore. I wanted to be with her. I thought about a future with her. But was that selfish of me? Was I thinking about what was best for me when I should have been thinking about what was best for her?
“I want to be what’s best for you,” I whispered into the darkness. “But I’m not sure I know how. And you don’t deserve anything but the very best. I’m so in love with you, though, Joss. I’ll just have to figure it out as we go. I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me, too.”
It took me almost an hour to find my way back into sleep. And when I did, it was a restful sleep with no more nightmares.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Joss
I read through the letter in my hands again, my smile getting even bigger as the words really hit me.
Your funding request has been granted.
I read the word a few more times, just to be sure.
Granted. Granted. Granted!
>
With a small squeal, I took my phone out of my pocket and texted Carson.
I got the grant I applied for for my gestational diabetes study! I didn’t think I would!
He wrote back immediately.
Congrats, babe! I’m proud of you.
I carefully folded the letter and put it back in the envelope, then tucked it inside the pocket of a binder at the OB desk. There were colleagues I wanted to tell, but for now I liked that only Carson knew about my good news. My birthday was next week, and I had a lot to celebrate this year.
Looking down at my shoes, I knew what I’d be getting myself with the birthday money my parents would be sending me. Lola had chewed up one of my work tennis shoes, and of course they were nearly new. No matter how many bones and chew toys we got her, she preferred our shoes.
“What the hell happened to your shoe?” Hattie asked as she sat down next to me.
“Lola.”
“Ah.” She laughed. “Better than your shoes getting pissed on, I guess.”
“Yeah, she did that to Carson last night. He had a few choice words for her.”
“This is your practice run for a kid, isn’t it? You trying to show him that if you guys can raise a dog, you can raise a baby, too?”
I furrowed my brow with concern. “No, Hattie. I got him the dog because he said he wanted a dog.”
“You do still want kids, though, right? Did you guys work that out before you moved in together?”
I looked away, and a few seconds of silence passed.
“Joss,” she admonished.
“Don’t start. I love him, and his reasons for not wanting kids are understandable.”
“Yeah, what are they?”
I glared at her. “They’re none of your business. It’s between us.”
She put her hands up, feigning innocence. “Okay, okay. I’m just saying, I know how important that is to you.”
“Ugh. I hate it when you say, ‘I’m just saying.’ You sound like my mom.”
Hattie laughed and gave me a gentle shove on the shoulder. “I’m just lookin’ out for you, okay?”
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