“You haven’t been the only miserable one.”
“I’ve been incredibly unhappy the last four years, but I feel a shift happening—a change between us. And I won’t let that slip away because some man that I don’t know thinks he wants me as his wife. But I need you to tell me that you feel what’s happening between us and that I’m not imagining it. Because if you don’t feel the same, I might as well leave The Fellowship and marry him.”
“You’re not imagining anything. I feel things changing between us.”
Oh my God. What a relief.
He breathes in deeply and slowly exhales. “Through everything that has happened, happiness is the only thing that I’ve ever wanted for you. If I thought that Maddock Hendry could make you happier than I could, I would step aside. But I don’t think that he can. We aren’t done, Lorna. And we’re never going to be done. You and I are always going to come back to each other no matter what happens.”
Finally, he gives me something real.
It’s not I need you.
It’s not I love you.
It’s not I want you to be my wife.
But it’s enough. Enough to keep me holding on, hoping for more, and wondering where we go from here. “It’s been so long. I don’t know where we pick up.”
“We’ve seen that nothing good comes from our past, so maybe we don’t try to pick up with anything from that point. We aren’t the same people that we were four years ago. Is it all right to start fresh with who we’ve become?” Leith says.
I think a fresh start is a brilliant idea but as much as I want that, I don’t think that we can proceed without first having a very difficult conversation that neither of us really wants to have.
“As much as we’d like to pretend that the past didn’t happen, it needs to be brought to light once and for all so we can move beyond it.”
Leith groans. “I’m tired of the hurt that goes along with our past. And I know that you must be tired of it too.”
“I am, but we’re broaching the topic under different circumstances this time. This isn’t about rehashing the past and being hurt by it. It’s about discussing what went down so that it never happens again.”
“I’ll do whatever it takes to get it right this time.”
I’m not sure that he really wants to do this. Hell, I’m not even sure that I want to, but I feel that it’s necessary if we are to have a healthy relationship moving forward.
“Where do you want to start?”
He clears his throat. “The night of Logan and Emilia’s wedding. And I want to go first.”
I’m actually relieved that he wants to begin because I have no idea what to say. “Go.”
Leith gestures to the furniture in the courtyard. “Is it okay if we sit? I want to be able to look at you while we have this conversation.”
I nod instead of answering because I fear that my voice will fail me.
I sit beside Leith on the loveseat and we face each other. And I’m finally going to be able to explain what happened with Sin in the storage room.
“I told you that night that I wanted you to be mine. Only mine. But what I didn’t tell you was why.” He pauses and there’s a noticeable increase in his breathing, which causes mine to increase as well.
“What did you not tell me?” I whisper.
His thumbs stroke the tops of my hands. “I was in love with you.”
I was in love with you.
Was.
Does that mean that he loved me four years ago but doesn’t anymore?
“I wish I had known.”
“I was planning to tell you, but I needed to set things straight with Sin and Jamie first. I had scheduled a get-together with them, to come clean. I was going to tell them it was over, that you were mine, and they could never touch you again. But before that meeting happened, I found you in the storage room with Sin in a one-on-one. And it broke my heart because I thought that I was the only one you were seeing outside of the group.”
“You were the only one that I was seeing outside of the group.”
“I wasn’t the only one that night.”
Four years later and I can still hear the pain in his voice.
That night, that dumb, stupid night. I’d give anything if I could take it back. “That was the only time that ever happened. And I swear that I didn’t want to be with him. You were the only one that I wanted.”
“We had declared our feelings for each other, and then I found you with him not even twenty-four hours later. You can’t imagine how much that hurt me. I felt so betrayed.”
The thought of Leith feeling that way because of me makes me ill.
“I can’t begin to imagine what that must have felt like, and I’m so sorry that you saw us like that, but it wasn’t a walk in the park for me either. I didn’t want to be with him. I loved you too, Leith. I wanted to be with you. Only you.”
“You could have told him no.”
Yes, I suppose that does look like an easy option. But it wasn’t an option at the time.
“You make it sound so easy, as if people went around telling Sinclair Breckenridge no all of the time, but what you’re failing to remember is that Sin was different back then. He wasn’t the man that he is today. He was used to getting everything that he wanted. And he had already decided what he was going to get from me when he came into that storage room.”
“I’d give anything if I’d just told him that night what was happening between us. Things would have gone much differently,” he says.
Me too. Leith wouldn’t have cut off communication with me. He wouldn’t have spent the next three years breaking my heart by parading women in and out of his office for me to see. He wouldn’t have torn me to shreds by calling me a whore who was unfit to be the mother of his children. And we wouldn’t have spent the last four years apart.
“Our lives would be very different.” So much happier. I’m sure of it.
“Where do you think we’d be today if we hadn’t lost the last four years?”
That’s something that I think about a lot. “I’d like to think that I’d be your wife, and we’d have at least one baby. Probably two at this point.”
Leith chuckles. “If you had your way, you probably would have talked me into a third by now.”
He isn’t wrong. I’ve told him more than once that I want at least four children with no more than two years between them. But I’d be happier with more. I said four because I didn’t want to scare him.
“We’d probably be rocking our children to sleep right now instead of having a conversation about what could’ve been.” The world is missing out on our little ones. They should be here with us instead of not existing. And that makes me want to cry.
“I didn’t mean any of those horrible things that I said to Sin. I was lashing out because I was in pain, and that wasn’t fair to you. I was angry and jealous that another man was trying to come between us, but I was also terrified that you might want him too.”
“Noah will make a good husband for someone, just not me. I never wanted him. Even with all of the women coming and going in and out of your office, I still only wanted you.”
“Those women didn’t mean anything to me. I was using them as a filler for the emptiness I was feeling inside without you, but then I figured out that none of them could ever replace you. When they couldn’t make me happy, I used them to hurt you because I thought that would make me feel better.”
“It worked. I was in agony knowing what you were doing with those women behind your office door.”
“You didn’t choose to hurt me by being with Sin. I couldn’t see that then, but I see it now. Everything that I did to hurt you was my choice. And I’m sorry, Lorna. So fucking sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Of course. Can you forgive me?”
“All is forgiven and forgotten,” Leith says.
“Forgotten?” How can that even be a possibility?
“The past is the past and it is forgotten.”
“You believe that you’re scarred and broken and that no one can love you the way you are, but what you’re failing to see is that this man wants you just as you are. I know everything that you’ve done and I don’t care.”
Leith places his fingers beneath my chin and forces me to look at him. “No more shame. No more punishing yourself because of the past. Abandon it and we’ll start fresh today. Right here and now. No more looking back.”
I want that—to abandon the past and all of the pain that goes along with it. “No more looking back.”
The clouds are parting, and the sun is shining on us for the first time in years. No more gloom. Fate is pulling us together again, and Leith is no longer out of my reach. He is here now, and he is my destiny. This beautiful man was made to be mine, and nothing can keep us apart.
Our new beginning starts now.
Chapter 5
Leith Duncan
Our trifecta table at Duncan’s is growing. It has become a quad and sometimes a quint since Mitch married Shaw and Kieran married Westlyn. Sin’s younger brother and the new Order leader are joining our group. But I don’t mind. I like both of them.
Kieran isn’t here tonight, so it’s just our original three plus Mitch.
“Lorna looked happy when she came back into the house last night. In fact, she looked very happy. Things must have gone well during your walk?” Sin says.
Jamie punches my upper arm. “Judging by the look on his face, I’d say that they did more than walk.”
He isn’t entirely wrong. I’m grinning like a fool—a fool in love. But he’s mistaken about Lorna and I doing anything more than walking.
I would have loved to have taken her right then and there. And I thought about it. Fuck, did I think about it. But I can’t take a risk like that with her. Too much is at stake.
“We didn’t do anything other than walk and discuss our relationship.”
“A civil conversation. Definitely not a shag, but for you and Lorna, that’s good progress.”
Mitch knows that Lorna and I have a rocky past, but we’ve never told him about the foursomes. We agreed to never share that secret with anyone, but Sin and Jamie broke that agreement when they decided to marry. Neither wanted to keep something like that from their wives. I was angry at first, but I see now that it was for the best. I understand because I wouldn’t want there to be any secrets between Lorna and me if we married.
“Talking with Lorna last night was great. But it was part of a fucking game of one step forward, two steps backward.” It’s like the universe is constantly working against Lorna and me, and I’m not able to get ahead.
“What does one step forward, two steps backward mean?” Mitch asks.
He’s married to Maddock’s sister. And Mitch knows Lorna well. I would have expected his new brother-in-law to reach out to him to inquire about her prior to speaking with Sin. I know that I would have if I was in his position.
“You really don’t know?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I look at Sin. “Go on. Tell them what’s happening.”
“Maddock Hendry wants to take a wife—a Fellowship woman—and he has expressed interest in Lorna. He’s asked to spend time with her, and I don’t have the option of refusing him because she hasn’t been claimed.”
“Well, fuck. Just when things seem to finally be turning around with you and your girl,” Jamie says.
“Tell me about it. Couldn’t have happened at a worse fucking time.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, mate.” Jamie truly is sorry. I see it in his expression.
Sin clears his throat. “I know that it’s not what you want or need to hear right now, but he called again this morning. He wants to see her tomorrow night.”
Son of a bitch. He’s not wasting any time.
“And your answer was?” I’m not sure why I ask. I already know the answer without Sin saying a word. Guess I just want to force him to admit it.
“You haven’t given me a legitimate reason to tell him no.”
Again with the legitimate reason. “I would love nothing more than to give you a legitimate reason, but it’s not even been a full day since Lorna and I decided to try this again. What do you think she would say if I asked her to marry me right now?”
“I get it, Leith. I do. But that doesn’t change the way that I have to handle this situation with Maddock.”
“Fuck, I can’t catch a break with her.” Why now? Why does another man have to try and step in at the exact moment that things are going right for us?
Lorna is going to be with another man tomorrow night. How in the fuck am I supposed to let that happen without entirely losing my shite?
Every man around this table has his woman. Each wears a ring on his finger that forever unites him with his wife while I sit here holding on to nothing but hope. I have zero guarantees. No one at this table understands the way that I feel right now.
Except Jamie.
“Your situation with Ellison wasn’t entirely different from the one I have with Lorna. You had to watch other men pursue the woman you loved. How did you handle that?”
“Not well. I hated it. Every fucking second. Each time I saw a brother try to win her over, I’d contemplate how I was going to kill him. And it was always slowly. Very… slowly.”
Contemplating about what I want to do to Maddock won’t ever be enough.
“You kept your shite together. How did you manage that?”
Jamie grins and chuckles. “I fucked her… a lot. Knowing that I was the only man who was actually having her is what kept me sane.”
Fucking… that’s an agreeable remedy for helping a man hold his shite together. And it gives me an idea.
“What time is Lorna scheduled to meet Maddock tomorrow night?”
“He’s picking her up at my house at seven. Which means that you’ll be arriving at what time?”
Sin knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“Five. Maybe sooner if I can get Kenrick to cover the bar for me.”
“All right. I’ll clue Bleu in, and she’ll make sure that Lorna is finished getting ready by then.”
“Thanks, mate.”
I had planned to take things slowly with Lorna, but that strategy is going to have to take a back seat. Maddock isn’t wasting any time and that means I can’t either. I just hope that I don’t sabotage my relationship with Lorna by moving too fast.
* * *
Bleu opens the door and she’s wearing a smile, one that says well played, sir.
“What?”
“This little strategy of yours.” Her brow lifts. “Showing up here unannounced right before she goes out with Maddock Hendry is a good move. She’s going to love it.”
“You think so?” I’ve gone back and forth on the idea all day.
“Don’t doubt this plan for a second. Tell her why you’ve come and she’ll melt.”
I wish I had the same confidence as Bleu.
“I’m not here to beat around the bush. I’m going to make my intentions crystal clear.”
“And you should.” Bleu winks at me. “She’s staying in the guesthouse.”
We’ll have complete privacy. Perfect.
“She doesn’t know that I’m coming?”
Bleu shakes her head. “I didn’t say a word.”
“Thanks, Bleu.”
I’m excited, nervous, scared as fuck. I don’t know what the hell I think I’m going to say to her. I probably should have sorted that out before now.
I enter the guesthouse and knock on the bedroom door.
“It’s unlocked,” she calls out.
I open the door and Lorna is holding the edge of the bed while she steps into the black heels on the floor in front of her. “I probably shouldn’t wear these stupid shoes. The right one alway
s rubs a blister on my toe. I figure that I’m going to be miserable enough without adding that to the mix.”
She stands upright and stops straightening her dress when she sees me. “Leith…”
I close the door and lock it. In an instant, I’m across the room and standing in front of her. I can’t remember when I’ve moved so fast.
“You know that I have a—”
“A date,” I interrupt. “Yes, I know. I had to see you before you go to him.”
“Don’t say it like that.”
“How else do I say it?”
She shakes her head. “In a way that doesn’t make it sound as though tonight is my choice.”
“I know that you didn’t choose this.”
My hand follows her arm until my fingers reach hers, lacing them so they form a clasp. And then the song playing catches my attention. “You and your music choices.”
“You don’t like it?”
“It’s a little slow for my taste.”
“Slow?” She smiles and shakes her head. “I think that you mean romantic.”
I bring our clasped hands up and rest them between our chests, leading her to sway to the tempo of the music. “What’s the name of this song?”
“‘1000x.’”
“By who?”
“Jarryd James and Broods. Do you like it?”
“If you like this song, then I like this song.”
Lorna fists the back of my shirt and presses her forehead to my chest. “I don’t want to do this tonight, and seeing you right now is making it so much worse.”
Mission accomplished.
I’m not here to make Lorna upset. I just want to be fresh on her mind while she’s with him tonight.
“I hate this. You don’t know much.”
“Show me.” She lifts her face from my chest and looks up at me. “Show me how much you hate this, how much you don’t want me to go to him.”
I only know one way to interpret what she’s saying.
Redemption: A Sin Series Standalone Novel Page 7
