“I don’t know.”
We fall into silence for the rest of the way home. Cole stares out the window, playing with his lower lip, a nervous mannerism he’s had since we were kids.
When I pull into the driveway of the apartment, his brows lift to his hairline. It’s obvious he thinks I’m playing a joke on him.
“The upstairs apartment is ours.”
He starts to say something and then stops short. I pull open my car door and Mom steps out onto the porch.
She lets out a squeal as she rushes into her favorite child’s arms. She is so happy to see him that she starts crying and I feel a twinge of jealousy that I can’t bring her the same comfort my brother can.
She needs him. Just like I need her.
“Is that tamales I smell?” he asks, putting her at arm’s length.
“Yes, it is,” she gushes. “Your favorite.”
Since we only have a two bedroom apartment, he’s going to have to tough it out on the couch. My mom hasn’t asked me to give up my bed and I’ll lose my mind if she does.
I remove my coat and hang it on the hall tree next to his letterman’s jacket that reeks of cigarettes. I wonder if Mom has caught onto that. I know he’d been a recreational smoker in high-school, smoking every time he drank. Maybe with the college parties he’s taken to full-time.
We sit down to dinner and Mom drills Cole with questions about college. He is patient and I had forgotten how funny he is. Soon we are all laughing and I realize how long it has been since mom and I have actually laughed.
The laughter stops halfway through dinner when the subject of Dad comes up, though.
My mom fills a wine glass to the brim. If Cole is stunned by her drinking, he doesn’t react.
“So...have you heard from your father?” Mom asks, taking a sip of wine.
Cole wipes his mouth with the cloth napkin and sets it down on the table.
“Dad came to Seattle...and he brought Elle with him.”
The fork clatters as it makes contact with Mom’s plate. Her eyes narrow. “What?”
“He had a business meeting in downtown Seattle.”
I can see her mind racing. “A business meeting that he brought his girlfriend to? In the twenty-two years we were married, he never once brought me on a “business trip”.” She uses her fingers for air quotes. “He did this intentionally to hurt me. He probably didn’t even have business.”
Cole swallows hard. He glances at me, obviously hoping I’ll jump in to help, but I don’t know what to say. Reaching out, he places his hand over Mom’s. “I was just as surprised to have him visit me as you are.”
Her brows arch. “Really? What, was he hoping to butter you up so you would convince me to go for a quickie divorce like he wants because, after all, he’s so smitten with that child that he can’t wait to drop me and show off his soon-to-be trophy wife? Who knows, maybe she’s pregnant. I can see him now—father of the fucking year to his new children, while he basically abandons the two of you.”
“Mom, I’m sorry,” Cole starts.
She pulls her hand out from beneath his.
My mom presses her lips together and I can tell she’s struggling for control. Leaning forward, I reach beneath the table and squeeze her hand. “Sorry, Mom.”
The slight squeeze against my own relieves me. “I just wish you would have told me when it happened.”
Cole frowns. Obviously, he isn’t used to being on the receiving end of Mom’s disappointment. “Sorry, Mom...I just didn’t know what to say. I figured word would get around and the picture of the three of us together…”
“What picture?” she asks, her tone intense.
Oh no. This probably isn’t the best time to bring up the picture of the new happy family. Once Mom sees her precious son with his arm around his soon-to-be stepmother, then there will be little that can console her.
Now maybe he can see what a living hell my life has become.
My brother pales as he scrolls through his pictures and hands the phone to Mom.
She stares at it for a good sixty seconds. “She has extensions and she’s blonder.” Mom snorts. “Christ, she could be your girlfriend.” I know by her tone that she’s struggling to keep control of her emotions.
“You’re prettier than her,” Cole says quickly. “Honestly, Mom, she has a big nose and her eyes are too close together.”
Normally that comment would have made my mom smile. Now, she looks ready to burst into tears.
“It doesn’t matter. She’s young and young trumps looks any day of the week, especially when it comes to an aging man going through a mid-life crisis.” Mom hands him his phone back and he immediately pockets it. “Your father should have never put you in that position. It’s so uncalled for.” She clears her throat and then turns her attention to me. “Do you also have something to tell me? Has your father secretly contacted you as well?” Venom drips with every word and I’m almost afraid of the look on her face.
I shake my head. “I would tell you if he did.”
My brother shifts in his chair. He looks ready to kick me.
“He expects me to just jump and do what he wants, doesn’t he? Since he’s moved on with his life, then I should, too.” She takes a large swallow of wine. “Well, won’t he be surprised when he has to actually wait to marry his whore. I’ll eek this divorce out just so he can’t marry her.”
“And yet, what good does that do you, Mom?” Cole asks.
I’ve never seen my mom look at my brother the way she’s looking at him now. She blinks like he slapped her.
“I mean, think about it—it will only prevent you from moving on with your life.”
Seriously, my brother needs to shut up and save himself at this point. As it is, he might just find his happy ass back on a plane to Seattle.
“You deserve better,” I add. “You don’t deserve what he did to you and you’re a far better person than he is, Mom.”
“Thanks, hon,” she says with a sad smile before she glances at Cole. I can see the pain in her eyes. Her golden boy has disappointed her.
Mom goes to bed thirty minutes later and my brother is distraught over how things have gone. I can do little to console him and, honestly, I wish he had just stayed in Seattle. He managed to make my mom feel even worse than before.
I go to bed and slip the last of the pills I took from my mom’s medicine cabinet into my mouth. I can’t deny that the pills have helped me out these past few days. They’ve taken the edge off the pain.
***
Brooke comes by the following afternoon.
My brother can hardly believe the girl sitting in our living room is our cousin. The way he keeps staring at her piercings is downright rude and I almost call him out on it when Brooke takes me by the hand. “Go to your room for a second?”
“Sure.”
I follow her into my room and she shuts the door behind me. “Can you get away tonight?”
“No way,” I say, wanting nothing more than to get out of the stifling apartment. I thought my brother’s presence would bring mom some kind of peace, but it seems to have the opposite effect on her. She is furious and even moodier than before Cole arrived. “We’re watching a movie that Cole picked out.”
“Some meat-head, action fest, no doubt.” Brooke rolls her eyes and I laugh, relieved she came by. “He didn’t even recognize me when he answered the door.”
I just smile, remembering how much I thought she changed the first time she picked me up for school.
“You could stay for the movie.”
“Um, that would be a no.” She gives me a quick hug. “Curtis is having a few people over tonight and I need to run a few errands before then.”
“No practice?”
“There’s always practice.”
My stomach tightens at that as I imagine the redhead from the other night attending every practice from here on out. “How was last night?”
“Deklan had a couple of tattoos, so he wasn’t the
re. Ryder was there, though.”
Good, then the redhead wouldn’t have been there.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a tiny little bag. “Oxycontin. You want one?”
I shake my head. “I’m hanging with my mom tonight.”
“Save it for later then.” She bites the pill in half and gives it to me.
“What does it do?”
“Takes the edge off and helps you sleep.” She winks. “You’ll love it.”
I almost ask her if she has any of the same anti-anxiety meds my mom takes. Instead, I remain quiet and put the pill she gives me into a mint tin box in my nightstand drawer and shut it.
“I better head out before my mom gets here,” she says, heading for my bedroom door. “We’ll hang out this week, alright?”
I hate to see her go. “Text me later, okay?” I ask.
“So...where are we going to dinner?” I ask after I close the door behind Brooke.
“How about take out?” Cole asks, his feet up on the coffee table. My mom has put on a pair of sweats while I’d been in my room with Brooke.
She looks exhausted.
I take an order and drive about ten blocks into the heart of downtown. I pass by a large park and think about what Deklan said about the tattoo parlor he works at. Hadn’t he mentioned a park?
Finding the Chinese restaurant, I park and go in to get the order. On my way home, I drive back the same way, but this time I take a right on Eighth Street. I see Deklan’s truck parked behind an older, three-story building. A neon sign in the window reads, Branded.
Outside of the place are about five people and I slump down low in my seat, hoping Deklan isn’t among them. They are all busy smoking and talking; with a quick glance I realize none are tall enough to be Deklan.
Hadn’t Brooke said he’d done tattoos last night? She didn’t mention anything about tonight, but then again, I don’t know Deklan’s schedule.
I wonder, once again, about the redhead from last weekend and can’t help wondering if they are dating now.
I hate the thought of him going out with anyone.
Why should I care? I ask myself the rest of the way home.
Mom and Cole are watching television. There’s an awkward silence as I set the food on the table. Throughout dinner Mom nurses another bottle of wine and Cole watches her closely. Once or twice his gaze would meet mine, but he never says anything.
Welcome to my life, I want to say...but I don’t. It just gets added to the rest of the things that I don’t feel I can say.
Cole is set to leave at five o’clock on Sunday. An hour before Mom is to take him to the airport, he knocks on my door and opens it before I can tell him to come in.
“What’s up?” I ask, pushing my laptop away. I’ve been stressing about the report I’ve been procrastinating about for weeks now and I have only just finished it.
He shuts the door behind him. “Mind if I sit?”
Before I can respond, he plops on the end of the bed. “I’m worried about Mom. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything to her about Dad’s visit.”
“She would have found out about Dad’s visit to Seattle eventually. It was better coming from you than anyone else.”
He doesn’t look convinced. “I’m worried about you, too.”
Now that surprises me. “I’m fine.”
His hand slides over the stubble at his jaw. “You’ve changed, Kenz.”
I have seen him watching me these past couple of days. “I suppose I have. It hasn’t exactly been a great change of lifestyle here.”
“I know it’s been rough. You’ve lost weight, you barely eat, and you seem...well, distant.”
My nails dig into my palms. “Stress will do that to a person.”
“Are you doing drugs?” he blurts.
My pulse skitters. Those are the last words I expected to hear from him. “No. Why would you think that?”
“Brooke looked high last night. I know the signs, Kenz. Her eyes looked glassy and she had small pupils. Mom tells me you two have become really close and well, I just worry that maybe you’ve gotten a little too involved…”
“I haven’t,” I tell him, forcing myself to keep eye contact with him. What was I so paranoid about? I had done drugs a few times and yeah, I was taking some of Mom’s anti-anxiety medication to help me chill out, but it’s not like I have a problem. I suppose I have lost a few pounds in the weeks since I arrived in Vancouver, but who wouldn’t if they had their life uprooted?
“I know this divorce has been harder on you because you’re still under Mom’s roof.”
It is harder on me because my dad hasn’t been bothering to acknowledge I am alive and my mom is a miserable shell of her former self.
“I just want you to know that drugs definitely aren’t the way to go. Do you remember Ricky Johnston?”
“Yes.” Ricky had been a neighbor of ours. He and Cole had been good friends during middle school.
“Our senior year, he took a pill and it fucked up his head.” I don’t remember anyone talking about it. “One day he was going to our school and the next he was gone. His mom sent him to rehab. Didn’t work, though. He continued using and, last I heard, he was living on the streets of L.A.”
“That’s sad,” I say, wondering if Cole does drugs with his friends from time to time.
“Just please be careful and, if you need anything, I’m just a phone call away. I mean it, Kenzie.”
He gives me a hug and, when he leaves, I feel a sense of relief. All weekend I felt like I’d been walking on eggshells. I hate that he asked me about drugs. I can only hope that he won’t bring it up to Mom on the way to the airport. I so don’t need her up my ass, nor do I need her worrying about me when she is trying to keep herself sane.
I watch as they walk out the door, lock the front door, and then I head to my mom’s bathroom, where I take a few more pills from her medicine cabinet.
CHAPTER 13
My mom comes home from the airport, drinks half a bottle of wine, stares out the window and cries.
I put my hand on her shoulder and she puts her hand over mine. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess right now, Kenz. You deserve a better life than the one I’m giving you.”
“My life is just fine,” I say. It really isn’t okay, though.
I try to engage her, but she goes straight to bed. She stops long enough to put a ten dollar bill on the table and tells me to get a hamburger.
The door to her room shuts minutes later and I glance at the clock. Seven o’clock. Way too early to call it a night. I call Brooke and it goes straight to messaging. She texts me a minute later saying she’s working on her math assignment and Curtis is dropping by in an hour, but she’ll call me later.
I dial Ryder’s number, but hang up. I scroll through my friend’s numbers, call Ange and she answers, sounding excited to hear from me.
We talk for an hour and, for that time, I’m transported back to a happier time. We actually laugh before I have to fight back tears when her mom tells her that she needs to get to bed, reminding me of when I had an eight o’clock curfew on school nights.
I hang up the phone and see my dad’s contact information. My finger hovers over his phone number. Would he pick up? I wonder. We still have our old numbers. Mom has been telling me for weeks that she will get us both new Washington state phones and, yet, I have a feeling she’s worried that Dad couldn’t reach her anymore.
Maybe this week she will change her mind and move forward with her life.
I snatch the money off the kitchen counter and head out the door.
After passing by four fast food places, I decide I’m not really that hungry and could pocket the money for next weekend.
I end up calling Sadie, but it goes straight to voicemail. I don’t bother leaving a message.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I drive towards Ryder’s house. It’s Sunday evening and his mother will be at church, so hopefully, I’ll have a few minutes. Hopefully, he’ll
be in the mood to talk and maybe I can get a hug as well as a few kisses, I think with a sad smile.
Earlier this week, Ryder said he wanted to see me this weekend and, although he hasn’t made a big move to reach out to me, I convince myself that maybe he’s just trying to be polite since my brother was in town. Or maybe, Brooke told him that I’m basically under house-arrest while Cole’s home.
I’m halfway up the road when I see Ryder’s house, his Acura in the driveway...along with another car that’s familiar.
I frown. What is Sadie doing here? I asked Ryder once about siblings and I think he said he had a younger brother who is like twelve. So the only reason for her to be there would be to see Ryder, but she never seemed interested in him before.
I drive past the house before getting the nerve up to pull into a parking spot.
My heart pounds hard against my chest as I walk up the sidewalk and into the driveway. Inside the house there are no lights on, but I can hear music coming from the detached garage that sits a good thirty-feet from the back of the house.
I hear Sadie’s laughter coming from the same direction.
Without a second thought, I march straight to the door and am ready to knock when the low laughter makes me pause. My hand fastens on the door handle and I turn it.
Locked.
I swallow. Everything within me tells me to turn and run back to my car. I don’t want to know what is happening. I’ve only been around Sadie a couple of times, but I know the sultry chuckle.
I don’t have a good feeling...
A side window is open the slightest bit.
I glance back over at the house. There are no other cars in the driveway. I lean in and I can see a futon set up in a corner. Obviously, Ryder uses this space for practice. His guitar sits propped up against the wall and there is a stand that holds a big screen television and state-of-the-art stereo equipment.
Someone is spoiled.
Ryder sits back against the futon and he is looking up at someone, a wide smile on his gorgeous face.
A girl straddles him, her hands splaying on his chest, moving down towards the belt buckle.
Thin White Line Page 12
