Afterwards, though, everything felt empty. I left with a hollowness inside me that was suffocating, and I was totally skeeved out by what I’d done. I told myself it was the condom. That’s why it wasn’t the same. After having Rain bare, going back to that didn’t hold the excitement it once did.
But that was such a fucking lie.
I wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t home.
And she wasn’t Rain.
I went out a couple times after, but it was like I couldn’t draw a breath in the crowd. That chick hit me up again, and even hinted at bringing along a friend, but just the thought of it made me ill.
Through it all, I missed Rain. I could never quite convince myself that I didn’t, no matter how much I tried. I wanted her. I didn’t deserve her, but God, I couldn’t stop wanting her.
I wondered if she hated me. If she missed me, knowing she shouldn’t. Knowing I’d just hurt her in the end. That’s all I had to give. I was a long-lost cause, the son of a bitch and an asshole who had pulled her into my darkness.
Every night, I closed my eyes and saw her. I felt her touch like she was there beside me. I heard her whispers in the wind outside my windows.
Staring out into the freezing rain that never seemed to go away.
Rain, rain, go away…
Day in and day out. Over and over.
“Fucking hell,” Raven muttered looking towards the entrance of the Copperline, “Maggie’s here. That’s lovely.”
A few weeks had passed, and I had made a weekend trip back to Ophir to pack up the rest of my shit. Drew and Raven had come to help and were planning to ship the boxes to me after I’d flown back to Chicago on Monday. It was surprising how little there still was in the house. Some equipment from the music room where we practiced for gigs, odds and ends of dishes. Lots of nothing, really.
Yet, it was incredibly draining to do. The finality of taping up the last box and looking around the massive empty place hit me square in the chest. I looked over at Drew.
He stared back at me.
Raven settled her hand on her rounded belly, appearing almost tearful. “Let’s go get you guys a drink,” she suggested.
We headed to the Copperline where Drew and I proceeded to get pretty rip-roaring drunk. Brannon, Cody, and Denny showed up along with Sophie, Ilsa, and Felicity, too. An impromptu farewell party.
Now Raven and I stood along the wall. Drew had headed back to the bar to get a couple more shots for him and I, along with some cranberry juice for Raven. The others were all out dancing.
When she mentioned Maggie, I bristled. I sorta felt a wee bit testy.
“Drew’s bitchface ex?” I asked, looking around, thinking I should maybe go warn Drew. Who knew what kind of shit this bitch was stirring up. “Why I ever stuck my dick in that emasculating box-gobbler, I’ll never—”
I stopped short when I saw who she was there with.
Cole’s eyes were locked onto me.
I hadn’t seen him since the shit went down that night he got pissed. I hadn’t seen him since he’d ratted Rain and I out to administration.
Rage burned through me.
I wanted to kill the fucker.
The psycho duo made their way over to us. Maggie scathingly looked at Raven’s baby bump.
“Awe,” she sneered, “the little freak is having a baby freak.”
“I could still kick your ass,” Raven laughed back. The girl was pure strength, confident with Drew’s love. Maggie showed up every now and then to be a bitch, but she could never seem to get under Raven’s skin. And every time Raven stood up to her, Maggie’s bravado fled.
I looked at Maggie and Cole, standing there stewing in their vindictiveness.
“Well, look at you two. I’d say you two are perfect for each other, but,” I pointed at Maggie, “she’s always kinda veered towards chicks and you, Cole, you flat out told me you’d rather have dick. Maybe you guys could just swap bodies or some shit.”
Raven leaned into me. “You know this guy?”
I looked over at her and raised my eyebrow. “This is the fucker who got my ass fired.”
“Oh,” she shrugged, “yeah, I see it now. This is the dude from the video.”
I glanced at Raven, aghast. “How do you know about the video?”
“Drew and I have watched it.”
“What?!”
“I think we all have, actually. Maybe not Cody. I don’t think he wanted to see you that way. But, Jesus, you know Denny and Felicity have. They’re huge on voyeurism.”
“What the hell?”
“Oh my God, Justin,” Raven rolled her eyes. “Don’t turn all shy on us. Not you, of all people. Besides, it was hot.”
“What was hot?” Drew asked, coming up behind Raven and handing her a big glass of iced cranberry juice. When he saw Maggie, though, his face fell. “Awe, man, what the fuck are you doing here?”
She just glared at him as he tucked his arms around Raven, setting his hands reverently over the roundness of her belly.
Drew looked at Cole, and his brow furrowed. “You look totally familiar,” he murmured.
“He’s the guy from Justin’s video,” Raven murmured back at him.
“Oh, shit, he is,” Drew gasped.
“Look at that,” Cole smirked at me. “I made you famous.”
“No, you got my ass fired.”
“Yeah, but first I made you famous.”
Something about the way he said it…
But first…
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“The first video? The one everybody has seen? I’m the one who uploaded it.”
“No,” I shook my head in disbelief. “You didn’t even know about it until I told you.”
He just scoffed and rolled his eyes. “I knew about it long before you. I saw the dude recording it.”
“What the fuck…?” I gasped.
“I found him at the party when we got done. Had him upload it through my account right then and there.”
Holy shit.
That motherfucker.
“Why? Why the fuck did you do that?”
“I was proud of it. I wanted to share it with the world.”
“That whole time, those months with you and me and Rain, you were lying to us.”
He stepped forward to get in my face, his features contorted with bitter rage. “And that right there is why I sent the shit to the bigwigs at Tech,” he spat vehemently.
“That? That what? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Us! You said us. It was you and Rain all along. It was always just me on the side.” He shook his head. “I was always there. Always around, waiting for the opportunity.”
“What opportunity?”
“To be with you. Every time we were together, I was there for you. You know I used to listen to you guys on the fucking radio back before you were even a band. I worshipped you. I did countless chicks just to be near you. I wanted nothing but you.”
“Holy hell,” Raven gasped, “stalker alert. Talk about fucking stranger danger.”
Cole ignored her and kept on with his ranting tirade. “And you fell for her. Not me. Her!”
“Jesus, you sound like such a little bitch,” I gawked. “Get over yourself, man.”
“Get over myself?” he retorted. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” He glanced behind me, and his face contorted with rage. “You know he wanted me, right? Your friend?”
Glancing behind me, I saw the other guys standing there and silently thanked the stars that I’d told them this shit already.
Cole kept going, churning on with his jealousy. “He fucked me. Did he tell you that?”
Cody shrugged, completely calm in a way that only Cody ever could be. “Yep, sure did.”
“He sucked my dick,” Cole tried again.
A few more affirmative murmurs came from the other guys. Brannon mumbled something about not exactly being shocked.
That took a little of the wind out of Cole�
��s sails.
“You finally told them, huh?” he sneered to me.
“Kinda had to after you plastered that shit all over the internet,” I replied. “These guys watch a lot of porn. They were liable to run into it on accident.”
“Well,” Cole vehemently argued, “you know there’s something special about me. You know…”
“Dude,” Drew said, rearing back a little with consternation, “something special? You totally sound like a chick.”
Cole kept his hot glare on me as he tried to ignore Drew, but his slight flush indicated he’d heard the comment. “You’ve fucked a million girls, Justin—”
“I’ve fucked a lot,” I laughed, “but a million? You’re flattering me.”
“—but never any guys until me.”
“He touched my junk once,” Brannon interrupted.
Cole glared at him.
“Right,” Denny nodded. “Mine, too. A few times.”
“Fuck you guys,” Drew grinned. “He licked mine.”
Cody looked a little green around the edges. “You guys are a bunch of sick motherfuckers.”
“The truth is, Cole,” I said, “you were there. You were available. I never meant to be a dick, but I thought that’s all this was.”
Cole started to push forward, coming at me with pure fury in his eyes. I braced myself, ready for a solid hit, but he never touched me. Denny and Cody had stepped up to stand beside me, glaring down at him with solidarity. He hesitated, looking at the three of us, especially Cody who was a really big dude, knowing if he laid one finger on me, he likely wouldn’t walk out of here.
Denny snarled at him in full-on Dub. “Feck off wit yer self or I’ll do ya, ya feckin’ bastart!"
Oooph… he was pissed. Whenever he was super ticked, he had the tendency to over pronounce his T’s and start putting them where they didn’t belong.
Goofy Irish wanker.
I looked at the line for security at Bert Mooney Airport in Butte. Sitting there with my bags, stalling because I didn’t really want to go. Through the windows, the mountains surrounding Butte glowed in the early morning sun.
And I had a fucker of a hangover.
Drew and Raven had brought me to the airport. My friend had dropped Raven and I off at the door to go park the car, and her and I sat in the Silver Eagle Grill, me sipping coffee to try and calm my aching head, Raven sipping orange juice while she gazed at me thoughtfully.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” I finally asked.
“So, Montana Tech’s graduation is next week.”
“Yeah, I know. I still get the alumni newsletter. I find it ironic since I was threatened with a lawsuit if I came back to campus, yet they still are asking me to participate in shit and donate money.”
“It worked, though.”
I looked at her warily. “What worked?”
“She’s graduating.”
A wave of something hit me. It ran through me and made me feel a bit weak.
“I thought you might want to know.” I looked up at her with my eyebrows narrowed in warning, but Raven was a bit fearless. She ignored my glare. “You should go.”
“Are you out of you fuckin’ mind?” I asked. “I’ll be in Chicago. Besides, I’m banned from campus, remember? And who knows if she’s even walking. A lot of students don’t.”
She just shrugged. “She is…”
Jesus, I felt sick.
“How do you know?” I asked, my voice coming out a little hoarse. “That shit isn’t exactly put in the paper ahead of time.”
Raven gave me a sheepish glance. “I talked to her.”
“What?" My heart seriously quit beating in my chest. “What the fuck did you do that for?”
“Drew told me what you did for her, and I thought you might want to know if it worked.”
Fucking Drew.
“It did,” she added.
I tried to cover, although it didn’t sound remotely believable even to my own ears.
“I don’t know what he said, but I left to save my own ass, Raven, not to do some noble shit for her sake. She’s not that important. She was just the match that lit the dynamite underneath my feet.”
Raven smiled. She knew I was totally full of shit.
I was going to kill him…
“He also told me what you said about me… about my feelings for him.”
“What the fuck did I say?”
“A long time ago, back when I was keeping him at arm’s length… when I was trying to run away.”
…mutilate the fucker.
“And what did I say?” I asked warily.
“You were the one who made him realize what I was doing. You, of all people, Justin, saw that he was my whole world.”
I frowned. She was right. In a moment of strange enlightenment, I’d convinced Drew to go after her.
“Please don’t tell anyone,” I muttered. “You’re going to ruin my image.”
“I think your image has suffered already. Like when you took the fall for Rain so she would be able to finish school.”
“So, when Drew was telling you all this shit, did he happen to mention anything about a threesome? Not right now, obviously,” I said, gesturing towards her pregnant belly with my coffee cup, “but maybe in a couple months when you’re done with… that.”
“No,” she said with a laugh, and I shrugged.
“Worth a shot.”
“But," she smiled, and my ears perked up. I hadn’t expected a ‘but’ from her. “I think, even if we did offer… you’d turn us down.”
I scoffed at the idea. Me, turning down a threesome. What a laugh that was.
But the honest truth was, I would.
I didn’t go back to Chicago.
Raven’s words played on a continuous reel in my mind as I went through security. As I boarded the plane for the first leg of my flight. As the plane climbed in altitude and I watched the mountains of Montana fade away out the window.
When we touched down in Detroit, I went straight to the airline counter and looked at the agent.
“I need to change my ticket.”
This is crazy… flippin’ bat-shit crazy.
I thought it the whole time I waited for my next flight. Getting on and off the plane. All the way to her door.
As I knocked.
As I heard her footsteps approach.
And as the door opened.
To say she looked surprised would have been a massive understatement. For a second, she looked almost ill.
“Hi, Mom,” I said.
I hadn’t seen her in a couple years. In that time, she’d aged considerably. Deep wrinkles around her eyes made her look incredibly sad. She had a little gray in her hair.
“From Jack, I’m sure,” she sort of laughed awkwardly, referring to her youngest son. My youngest brother. Seventeen and a senior in high school. “I blame the wrinkles and gray hair on Jack. He’s kind of a handful.”
Awkwardness filled the room as both of us tried to maneuver this tense conversation. She spoke so easily of her son. One she cared about. One who was not me.
“Why did you do it?” I asked after an incredibly painful span of silence.
“It was a very difficult time for me,” she began.
Me too, I wanted to say. Mostly because of you.
Yet I bit my tongue in an attempt to not lash out at her. It was all I could do. I needed this, be it understanding or closure. Who knew what would really come of it.
I just knew I needed it.
“When I saw that little boy,” she continued, “he looked exactly like you. I didn’t handle it very well.”
“That’s a bit of an understatement,” I dryly replied.
She shook her head slowly from side to side. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You did. Truth be told, I’m still kind of fucked up about it all.”
She frowned. “I don’t appreciate that language, Justin.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, mom," I muttered.
“After twenty years you finally say something remotely motherly to me, and it’s to tell me to watch my fucking language.”
She dropped her gaze, duly chastened, and I continued.
“Do you have any idea what you did to me? Do you even have a clue how it felt to know my own mother didn’t love me?”
“I did love you—” she argued, but I cut her off.
“Not like you should have. Not like I deserved.”
“You don’t understand—” she began.
“No, I don’t,” I agreed. “I get that what dad did to you was super dickish. I get that he hurt you, but you left me, too.”
“I tried to be a part of your life, I just…” her voice trailed off and tears filled her eyes. “You were just like him in so many ways. I know it was selfish. As you got older, I felt worse and worse. I just didn’t know how to fix it.”
“You know, the other kids moms never let them so much as spend the night? They cared enough to keep their boys away… while you fed me to the wolf.”
“I’m so sorry, Justin.”
It was weird. As she said that, I believed her. The weird part of it, though, was that she almost seemed relieved that I was here forcing the issue. That I was throwing it in her face.
“You say I was like him,” I said as I leaned forward, “and you’re right. I was. I was turning into him. He was the only role model I had. You showed me that nobody really gave a shit, anyway, so why should I even try?”
“You don’t have to be like him,” she whispered.
“I know,” I agreed, “but it sure as fuck wasn’t you who showed me that.”
“Dude, why aren’t you in Chicago?” Drew had said as he opened his front door late the following night.
I felt plumb gross after sitting up all night in the Salt Lake Airport trying to get back to Butte. Of all the airports to get stuck in.
But I had made it back. Drew stood there scratching his junk sleepily through flannel sleep pants, as though I’d woken him up. I probably had, though. It was just after one in the morning.
“I didn’t go back to Chicago. I haven’t slept in about thirty-six hours. Do you mind if I crash on your couch? I can explain in the morning.”
No questions asked, he let me.
Hot Dirty Love (Copperline Book 5) Page 15
