I heard Mel gasp, and flop back in her seat, before raising her glass to her lips, and taking a large gulp of wine. “What the hell Gracie? Why, why on earth would you talk of doing that? Are you crazy, are you a masochist? Are you a sadist? What the hell would make you say something like that?”
“I’m a masochist and a sadist?” I focused on those two things. “One enjoys pain and the other inflicts it, isn’t that right? How can I be both?”
“Don’t be such a bloody fool.” She snapped. “You know what I mean. You’re in love with him, and he adores you. Anyone can see that. Why the hell would you want to hurt yourself, and destroy him?”
“I…I realised something, when we were at the vineyard.” I began hesitantly. “He’s well off Mel. Like seriously, well off, loaded, rich, obscenely rich, to be exact. How can I compete with that?”
She frowned at me, tapping the edge of her wine glass, as she studied me. “What the hell? What on earth does that have to do with anything? What do you mean; compete with him? This isn’t a competition to see who has the most money.”
“That’s not what I meant exactly. Look at him, you’ve seen him. He’s gorgeous, and sweet, kind, he loves his life in Italy; I can see that. I don’t fit in. He should be with a nice Italian girl. One who will love the life, being married to a man who owns a vineyard.”
“He’s talking about selling it though.” Mel said.
I swallowed a mouthful of wine. “I don’t want him to sell it. He loves it, I can see that. The point is, if he keeps it, will he let others run it, or will he want to move back to Italy?”
“You couldn’t live there, is this, what it’s all about?”
“It’s not living there, that is the problem. It’s beautiful, I loved it there, but, he’s obviously very well respected, and people flock to him. You saw them. He’s constantly got people wanting to see him, speak to him. Women flirt with him, and touch him, I hate it.”
Mel reached over, and placed a hand on mine. “Will you listen to yourself? He loves you, only you. Look at your pasts. Look what you’ve both been through, and survived. He found you, and waited for the right time, to reveal who he was, to you. He loves you; don’t throw that kind of love away. You may never find it again.”
“I don’t think he could be happy with me, long term Mel. Look at him, and look at me.” I waved a hand down myself.
“I’m looking, and I see a beautiful, intelligent woman.” She snorted. “Well, most of the time. Now you’re just being a bloody idiot.”
“Tell me how you really feel.” I muttered into my wine glass, as I took another mouthful.
“Why would you think, you’re not suited, to be with a wealthy man? His money means nothing Grace. When has Dante ever acted like a wealthy man? He doesn’t flaunt it; he’s not flashy and showy with his clothes, jewellery, no over the top expensive car. I don’t get it. I ask you again, why do you think you’re not good enough for him; the man who worships you, why?”
“He’s a gorgeous, sexy man Mel. He’s wealthy, I mean seriously wealthy. If he sells the vineyard, he’s a really, really wealthy man. I’m talking multi-millionaire. Ok, I knew he wasn’t short of a dollar. His home is nice, his car and clothes, plus he owns Dial A Stud, so he had enough money to buy it, but I thought he was only, kind of a bit wealthy, from being a stud, and that he saved enough money, from it, to buy the company. You know, even when he told me about the vineyard, it didn’t register. I guess I thought, quaint little house, in the hills of Italy somewhere, a few grapes, and people crushing them by foot. That’s about the full extent, of how much I thought, of him owning a vineyard.
Then he takes us all there, and it’s a multi-million dollar industry. Huge home, accommodation, olive plantations, acres and acres of grapes, not to mention the wine cellars, the fermentation rooms, its mind blowing.”
“Yes, but I still don’t see why, that’s reason enough to break the man’s heart. He loves you. I bet he’d give it all away, if he had to, to keep you. If you do this, you’re going to throw away, the best thing that ever happened to you. You may never discover love, like you have with Dante, again. Is it seriously worth it?”
“I have to believe so, because, one day, I won’t be fucking good enough, for him.” I cried; my voice breaking. “I’m broken Mel. You know this. Did you see him with those children? He’s going to want kids. He’ll be a wonderful father, I know he will. I can’t give him those children. He deserves to have a woman, who will be everything, he needs. A nice Italian woman, to live the life expected, of one who owns a vineyard, one who will look the part too, and who can give him a family. I’ve been kidding myself, ignoring the truth, that one day, he’s going to want more, need more, need a woman who…who isn’t…barren.”
“For fuck sakes Gracie, when will you stop being, so down on yourself? I thought we’d moved past all that shit? Dante loves you.” She put her wine glass down, before grabbing my shoulders. “He…loves…you.” I was shaken quite forcefully. Obviously my friend figured, if she shook me hard enough, I’d get the message. “Don’t walk away from him, without giving him a chance, to decide, whether he still wants you, even if you will be childless. He deserves to make that decision himself, not have you make it for him. It’s not definite that you can’t have children anyway.”
I gave her a withering look. “Mel, I have one ovary, and the other one, is scarred and damaged. I only ovulate occasionally. I don’t bleed every month. The doctors told me, the chances of me ever conceiving, were slim, very slim. Even my womb is scarred. The doctors have no idea why, maybe an old infection I never knew I had, it’s just one of those, freak things that happened. I haven’t told Dante, it’s not the kind of thing that generally comes up, in conversation. I had no idea if we would become, more than just a sexual release, when we first met. I had no idea he was from my past. It’s never really come up, for me to slip into conversation, somewhere, ‘Oh by the way, I’m barren.’ I have to let him go Mel; it’s the right thing to do.”
“No it’s not, and you’re a fucking idiot Grace. I’m sorry, but I can’t condone this if you do it. You’ll have Alex all over you too. He’s going to be so pissed off with you, for hurting his friend.”
“Don’t get angry with me, please Mel. I need you.” I cringed, when I heard the whine, in my voice.
“I can’t, I’m sorry. I love you, you’re my best friend, but you’re making a huge mistake, and I can’t pretend to support you, on such an idiotic decision.” I watched in dismay, as she got to her feet, shooting me a look filled with pain. “I don’t want to talk about this now; I think I’ve said all I have to say. You’re determined to be a damned fool, then, I can’t stop you. Good night.” She pivoted on her heels, and stormed out of the room, leaving me alone with my wine.
I stared after her, dumbstruck. My best friend, the person who had supported me through so much, was majorly pissed off with me. This could destroy our friendship, and that realisation scared me. I couldn’t lose Mel, I just wish she could at least try, and see things from my point of view.
When the realisation hit, that she was not coming back to speak to me, tears welled up, and began to roll down my face. I was going to lose Dante, and it seemed Mel would never forgive me. I might lose her friendship out of this. After all the years I’d known her, through my attempt to take my own life, through the rehab centre, work, our various boyfriends, and failed relationships, she’d been there. Now she might not. She was so angry with me, seriously furious, and disappointed. I’d seen it in her eyes.
God, it was all too much. Why couldn’t she see what I was saying made sense? Why wouldn’t she listen to me? I was trying to do the right thing by Dante, in the end. I didn’t want him to feel trapped. Stuck with a woman, who couldn’t be everything, he not only needed, but deserved. He should have a whole woman, not a broken one like me. It was better to make the break now, not later when it would be harder on us both.
Suddenly, with all my emotions in turmoil, I needed o
ut. I couldn’t stay here tonight. I couldn’t be in the same house as Mel, and see her anger in the morning.
Jumping up, I rushed to my room, packed up a small bag, grabbed my purse, and phone, before heading out to the garage. When I climbed behind the wheel, of my bright yellow, Suzuki Swift, I wondered if I was ok to drive, but in reality, I’d only had a glass of wine. Things had gone to shit between us, before I had a chance, to get halfway to drunk, on the wine.
I drove towards the city, not thinking about where I was going, not caring really. When I hit the outer suburbs, I pulled over, dragging my phone from my bag. I had to text Mel, and beg her to forgive me, plus, maybe let her know, I’d be gone for the night, just in case she did actually worry, about me.
I dropped my head back against my seat, yawning. God, I was so tired. I should be home, not driving around at night, with no purpose, or destination in mind.
I’d look for a hotel, to stay in for the night soon, but first I had to message Mel. Hopefully she would want to hear from me, and know I was safe. When her expression filled my mind again, tears pricked at my eyes, and I blinked, when my phone went all blurry. Sniffing, I began to message her.
‘Please don’t hate me Mel. I need you to support me. You might not understand why I’m going to break things off with Dante, but he deserves so much better than me. I can’t give him what he wants. I can’t give him a family, and a man like him will want one, I know it. I’m not coming home tonight. I hate that we had a fight. I love you, I’m sorry you’re so mad at me. Xxxx’
Chapter Twenty Seven
I hit send, as my tears caused the text, to waver on the screen. I swiped angrily at my eyes, and finally cleared my vision enough, to properly see my phone. When I did, my heart felt like it momentarily stopped, or maybe, it just dropped to my feet. What had I done? I’d sent the message to the wrong person. How could I have made such a terrible mistake? What would he think? That’s not the way I should have...
My mind turned in total disarray, my stomach rolling ominously. Oh god, I was going to be sick; I felt the sudden overwhelming, need to vomit.
I stumbled from the car, doubling over, as the contents of my stomach rose up, burning the back of my throat. All alone, pathetically, dejectedly, I vomited, over and over, my stomach heaving, and lurching, as it quickly dispensed, with anything still sitting inside me.
My eyes watered, my throat felt like it was being torn from me, and when I was finally done, I began to sob. With tears blinding me again, my body still convulsing, through a couple of final sad retches, I staggered forward, trying to regain my balance.
Vaguely I heard something nearby. Bright light suddenly blinded me, making me squint despite my tears. My head started to come up, I slowly turned, just as a horn blasted, loud, long, penetrating my grief and then, I felt my body jerk sideways, violently, throwing me off my feet, and skidding over the car’s bonnet.
Limply I tumbled to the side, hitting the road like a rag doll. I lay there, a sea of aching, raging pain, hearing something, a song? It was music? Then it registered, it was my phone, it was ringing. I couldn’t respond though, the pain was increasing, shock setting in. I felt like I was broken, physically, mentally broken. I tried to move, but I couldn’t.
I heard the sound of a car door, a voice, a hand on me. I screamed; the pain severe, sharp, harsh, stabbing through my body. Fortunately, at that moment, the darkness rushed in, pulling me under, sucking me down, into blissful, peaceful nothing.
I could see figures standing watching me. Their features were hard to work out, because of the very white, very bright light behind them. It was dazzling in its intensity, and I squinted against it, struggling to see who those people were, who stood, hands out, as if beckoning to me.
I inched my way forward, straining for a closer look, but then suddenly, they smiled, and I felt an uncontrollable urge to rush to them, when it finally registered who they were.
“Mum, Dad?” I cried, breaking into a run.
“Come darling, if this is what you want, come with us.” Mum’s oh so dear voice said.
“Remember that once you follow us, there’s no going back Gracie darling. You have people who love you. You have someone coming, look.” Dad smiled, and turned. I saw something, he was holding something.
“One, one thousand, two, one thousand.” I heard a voice and felt something, like pounding, pounding on me, and my body rocked under the violent rhythm. Whatever it was, it made the bright light where mum and dad stood; dim slightly.
“Again, one, one thousand, two, one thousand, three, one thousand.” I heard the voice again and felt the same pounding, like before. There was something in my mouth, my throat, it hurt. When I turned to mum and dad, they were further away.
“Wait.” I cried, trying to walk to them.
“Gracie darling, you belong there. Wait until you see who is waiting for you.” My father’s voice was soft, reassuring. “Look.” He turned, and I saw a child in his arms. Where on earth had that baby come from?
“He’s there for you my darling, and he loves you so much. Don’t turn him away. You have already hurt him badly, and yet he still comes for you.” Mum’s voice was softer now, little more than a whisper on the wind.
“I don’t know what you mean.” I cried, wanting them back, but they were fading, and sounds were beginning to intrude my time, with my parents.
Beep….beep…beep. I heard the noise and frowned. “She’s back, we have a heartbeat. Check the foetal heartbeat. Lucky we got her. I didn’t want to use the defibrillator unless we really had to. It may have stressed the foetus.” There was that voice again.
Crying out, I watched as my parents disappeared, the bright, welcoming light, going with them and suddenly I felt like I was being thrust into a world that was harsh, cold, and painful.
The beeping noise was getting louder, voices sounded like they were all around me. I could feel a hard, bench or something beneath me. I tried to move, but nothing, nothing would respond. Then the pain hit, agonising pain that seemed to encompass all of me. It hurt everywhere. It hurt to breathe; it sure as hell hurt to move, although technically, I wasn’t moving, since my body refused to respond.
That voice started up again, droning on and on, in an authoritative tone. Barking out what sounded like orders, and as it went on and on, I felt my body being moved, tugged at, hands seemingly all over me. I tried to open my mouth to protest, at the very intrusive contact, but I couldn’t make myself respond, no matter how hard I tried. The darkness came up, and sucked me down where I felt nothing, and could hear nothing at all.
I became conscious of things around me again, sounds. I had no idea how much time was passing. I couldn’t wake up enough to find out. It could have been minutes, hours or days; I had no way of knowing for sure.
I could hear sobbing. It was a woman crying. I couldn’t help but wonder, what had her so upset. She sounded somewhat familiar, but I wasn’t sure. If I could just open up my eyes and see her, I would know instantly, but nothing. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get them to open.
“Why did she do that? What was she thinking? God I’m so sorry that this has happened, and I’m so sorry she did what she did to you. You said the way it’s worded, it was intended for me?” I listened to that familiar woman’s voice again. Dammit, if I could just figure it out. I knew her. I know I did; if I could just open my eyes.
“She wants to break it off with me. I don’t understand. I thought she loved me, and now I find she intended to end this?” It was a man’s voice this time, and he sounded so sad, it tugged at my heart. I knew him too, I could tell, but again, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t open my eyes and respond.
Finally exhausted from trying so hard, I felt the darkness pull me down again, and I welcomed it. It took me to a place where nothing hurt, nothing bothered me.
I could hear the beep…beep again. Always when the darkness lifted enough, I heard the beeping. I don’t think I hurt as much now, but I wasn’t sure. I
still couldn’t get my eyes to open, or my body to move, so maybe I was still sore? I just needed to do something, say something. I needed to open my fucking eyes. I didn’t want this. I was tired of this. This perpetual darkness, and moments of feeling like an intruder, in the lives of people I could hear nearby, but couldn’t respond to or see. Get me off this roller coaster ride now, please. Let me see, touch, move, feel. Let me wake up.
“Wake up damn you Gracie. You need to fix this, before you lose him. You have broken the poor man’s heart. He’s going to go back to Italy, and that will be it for you two. Wake…the…fuck…up!” I actually flinched, when that familiar woman’s voice, sounded right in my ear.
Gasping, I forced my eyes open, and this time, they responded. Immediately I saw bright blue ones, staring into mine. I saw shock register in them, followed by relief, then anger. It was Mel, and she was obviously pissed at me.
“Mel?” I croaked, my voice sounded raspy, as if I hadn’t used it in a decade.
“Thank god, you’re awake. What the hell were you thinking? Running off after we fought, sending that message to Dante that was obviously meant for me. Then you get yourself hit by a car and nearly die.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Damn you, you stupid fool. You very nearly fucked everything up, with your antics, and poor Dante. You’ve broken that man’s heart. He got the message you intended for me. He knows you’re going to dump him. He flew back here to speak to you, only to find you in hospital fighting for your life. You almost died. I’m so mad at you.” She yelled, her arms flying around me, hugging me tightly. I yelped as her grip, woke up a whole heap of pain, for me. God, I hurt everywhere.
“What, what happened? I hurt, it hurts.”
“Well, what did you expect? You got hit by a car. You’re lucky to be alive.”
“Where’s Dante? He was here, wasn’t he? I think I heard him. I thought I did, anyway.”
Dial a Stud: Dante's Story Page 31
