Kate carefully walks over to us, balancing a tray of fluted glasses filled with bubbling apple cider. “Ladies?” she asks, keeping her eyes on the drinks.
“Why, thank you, ma’am,” Tai says, and we each take one.
I lift my glass. “A toast to basketball.”
“To next year’s JV team,” Kate says.
“And to friends,” Garrett adds, looking at me.
“And friends!” we all say together.
Then Jenn barges into our little circle and says, “And to older sisters who are always right about everything.”
Chapter Thirty-three
My mom and I leave Jenn’s party and get home at about ten, but it’s still about eighty degrees outside. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to these hot nights, Mom.”
My mom falls back onto the couch next to me. “How about a strawberry smoothie?”
I consider taking her up on the offer, but after consuming two pieces of cake, a ton of chips, dip, crackers, carrot, cheese, and two servings of lasagna, I have finally reached my max. “No thanks. I think I’m full.”
“Wow. I guess there’s a first for everything,” she says and laughs.
“Ha ha. Very funny. Anyway, I’m kind of tired, Mom. I think I’ll just go to bed.” I start to get up, but she pulls me down into the cushiony pillows.
“It’s your first night of summer vacation and you’re going to go to bed early?” She reaches out and tests my forehead for a fever. “Everything all right? You were so quiet on the way home.”
I look down at the couch and trace my finger over its pattern. “Yeah, I guess I just need some time to recover from, I don’t know, the whole year.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. It’s been a long one, huh?”
“Well, it was interesting to say the least.”
“Yes, it was,” she agrees.
With nothing else to say about it, we sit and listen to the crickets. Even with the screen doors shut, they always find a way into our house during the summer.
Then my mom breaks our silence. “I was afraid, Abbey.”
I freak out inside. Does she mean she was afraid she was right about me being gay? And afraid she wouldn’t be able to love me?
“I wasn’t sure we could do high school without him.”
I take a sigh of relief. “Really?”
“You know, he had it all figured out by the time you were five. He knew exactly what classes you should take and which clubs you should join. He even had a curfew figured out. Eleven fifteen. He wanted it to be fair but not too late. Eleven fifteen was the perfect time in his head. Isn’t that funny?”
“Yeah,” I say and look over at her as she gazes out the window at nothing.
The faint lines around her eyes and mouth seem deeper, and the silver strands sparkling in her blond hair seem to have doubled. I decide I don’t like seeing her age. What if I lose her, too? I know now there are things I can make it through, but there’s no way I could survive that.
“So, you think this year would have gone better with him here?” I ask.
“Well, this year was going to be what it was no matter what. Don’t you think?”
“I guess,” I say and don’t admit I’ve been wondering all year about how things might have been different, maybe better, with Dad here. “Yeah, it was what it was.”
She looks at me again. “But we didn’t do so badly, did we?”
I smile. “No, not too bad.”
She reaches over and holds my hand. “He would have been proud of you.”
I let out a small laugh because I think it will keep me from feeling sad. “I don’t know about that.” But my eyes still well up with hot tears.
“And I’m so proud of you, too.”
A tear escapes, but I still manage to laugh. “Why? Because I didn’t flunk out? That’s something, I guess.”
“Yes, but it’s more than that.”
“You shouldn’t be proud of me, Mom. I’m not as great as you think I am.” It almost feels like the right time. Almost.
“Well…” She hesitates, as if she’s trying to find the perfect way to say whatever is coming next. “No matter what you do or who you become, Abbey, I’ll always love you, and I’m sure you’re always going to make me proud to be your mom.”
I can tell she wants to hear it from me, but I can’t do it tonight because I’m way too tired. Plus, I have something important to take care of that can’t wait.
“Thanks, Mom. I love you, too.” I kiss her cheek. “No matter what,” I add. “Good night.”
I’m light on my feet as I walk back to my room. She loves me. No matter what. When I’m ready, I’ll tell her, and I know she’ll love me still.
*
I leave my bedroom window open, but I keep the blinds closed so she won’t see me. Then at 12:01, I hear the gravel outside my window crunch under Keeta’s shoes.
The footsteps stop and I hear her peel off the letter I taped to my window earlier tonight. I imagine how beautiful she must look holding it up to the moon’s light. Then I wait quietly in bed while she reads the note.
You’ve got your words to describe how I make you feel,
but just so you know, I’ve got some I also need to reveal.
The first one is lucky, and loved is one more.
Another is happy and the next is adored.
A few aren’t as sweet, but they’ll dissolve in time
because mostly I’ll remember all the nights you were mine.
Dear Keeta,
I just wanted you to know I’m not angry anymore. I guess you could say it’s because I think I understand you more than I did before. I hope maybe someday we can be friends again because I do miss you. Plus, I still need to beat you at a game of one on one. So don’t leave Tucson without saying good-bye to me, okay? I think that would make me sadder than anything else. But I guess I need a little more time before then. I hope you understand.
You are still, and will always be, deep in my heart.
Love always,
Your Amara
When she whispers my name, I lie perfectly still. So much of me wants to rush to the window to kiss her again, be in her arms again, and be her Amara again. But there’s no way I’m pulling my heart out of its ice bucket now. I’m almost healed. My mom’s probably right; you never forget your first love, and I can’t ever imagine forgetting Keeta. I will probably always love Keeta, but I’ve learned I deserve more. In fact, I’ve learned a lot in my freshman year at Gila High, like how to play basketball, how to fall in love, and how to kiss. And (unfortunately) how to lose friendships and trust, but then (fortunately) how to get them both back again. Most importantly, though, I have happily accepted who I am. In fact, maybe next year on the first day of school instead of being freaked out and nervous, I’ll sneak into the office (with the help of Tai, of course), grab the PA microphone, and announce to the whole school, “Good morning, Gila High. My name is Abbey ‘Chunks’ Brooks and I am definitely a you-know-who girl, too!”
About the Author
Annameekee Hesik came out when she was fifteen and has since been obsessed with rainbows. After successfully surviving high school in Tucson, AZ, she went to college for six years and changed her major five times. She earned her BA in English lit from UC Davis and her MA in education from UC Santa Cruz. She is thrilled she finally decided to become a high school English teacher (with a background in anthropology, American Sign Language, world history, and environmental biology). When she isn’t helping students learn to enjoy literature or dressing up as the Super Recycler or Grammar Police, she spends her time in Santa Cruz, CA, walking her dogs, napping in her hammock, riding bikes with her wife, slurping down mocha shakes, and writing books that she hopes will help lesbian and questioning teens feel like they’re not the only you-know-who girls in the world. To see embarrassing high school photos of Annameekee, read her blog, and to find out what she likes to mix into her macaroni and cheese, visit her website: www.annameekee.com.
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Soliloquy Titles From Bold Strokes Books
The You Know Who Girls by Annameekee Hesik. As they begin freshman year, Abbey Brooks and her best friend, Kate, pinky swear they’ll keep away from the lesbians in Gila High, but Abbey already suspects she’s one of those you-know-who girls herself and slowly learns who her true friends really are. (978-1-60282-754-7)
The Secret of Othello by Sam Cameron. Florida teen detectives Steven and Denny risk their lives to search for a sunken NASA satellite—but under the waves, no one can hear you scream… (978-1-60282-742-4)
Andy Squared by Jennifer Lavoie. Andrew never thought anyone could come between him and his twin sister, Andrea…until Ryder rode into town. (978-1-60282-743-1)
OMGqueer, edited by Radclyffe and Katherine E. Lynch. Through stories imagined and told by youth across America, this anthology provides a snapshot of queerness at the dawn of the new millennium. (978-1-60282-682-3)
Sara by Greg Herren. A mysterious and beautiful new student at Southern Heights High School stirs things up when students start dying. (978-1-60282-674-8)
Boys of Summer, edited by Steve Berman. Stories of young love and adventure, when the sky’s ceiling is a bright blue marvel, when another boy’s laughter at the beach can distract from dull summer jobs. (978-1-60282-663-2)
Street Dreams by Tama Wise. Tyson Rua has more than his fair share of problems growing up in New Zealand—he’s gay, he’s falling in love, and he’s run afoul of the local hip-hop crew leader just as he’s trying to make it as a graffiti artist. (978-1-60282-650-2)
[email protected] by K.E. Payne. Is it possible to fall in love with someone you’ve never met? Imogen Summers thinks so because it’s happened to her. (978-1-60282-592-5)
Swimming to Chicago by David-Matthew Barnes. As the lives of the adults around them unravel, high school students Alex and Robby form an unbreakable bond, vowing to do anything to stay together—even if it means leaving everything behind. (978-1-60282-572-7)
Speaking Out edited by Steve Berman. Inspiring stories written for and about LGBT and Q teens of overcoming adversity (against intolerance and homophobia) and experiencing life after “coming out.” (978-1-60282-566-6)
365 Days by K.E. Payne. Life sucks when you’re seventeen years old and confused about your sexuality, and the girl of your dreams doesn’t even know you exist. Then in walks sexy new emo girl, Hannah Harrison. Clemmie Atkins has exactly 365 days to discover herself, and she’s going to have a blast doing it! (978-1-60282-540-6)
Cursebusters! by Julie Smith. Budding psychic Reeno is the most accomplished teenage burglar in California, but one tiny screw-up and poof!—she’s sentenced to Bad Girl School. And that isn’t even her worst problem. Her sister Haley’s dying of an illness no one can diagnose, and now she can’t even help. (978-1-60282-559-8)
Who I Am by M.L. Rice. Devin Kelly’s senior year is a disaster. She’s in a new school in a new town, and the school bully is making her life miserable—but then she meets his sister Melanie and realizes her feelings for her are more than platonic. (978-1-60282-231-3)
Sleeping Angel by Greg Herren. Eric Matthews survives a terrible car accident only to find out everyone in town thinks he’s a murderer—and he has to clear his name even though he has no memories of what happened. (978-1-60282-214-6)
Mesmerized by David-Matthew Barnes. Through her close friendship with Brodie and Lance, Serena Albright learns about the many forms of love and finds comfort for the grief and guilt she feels over the brutal death of her older brother, the victim of a hate crime. (978-1-60282-191-0)
The Perfect Family by Kathryn Shay. A mother and her gay son stand hand in hand as the storms of change engulf their perfect family and the life they knew. (978-1-60282-181-1)
Father Knows Best by Lynda Sandoval. High school juniors and best friends Lila Moreno, Meryl Morganstern, and Caressa Thibodoux plan to make the most of the summer before senior year. What they discover that amazing summer about girl power, growing up, and trusting friends and family more than prepares them to tackle that all-important senior year! (978-1-60282-147-7)
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