Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  Sandra shook her bright red head in wonderment. “Whatevs, man. You’re a goddess. You’re going to have to teach me how to do that.”

  “Do what?”

  “I don’t know. You’re just so confident. People notice you no matter where you are and you’re not fazed by it. I’d probably be a stuttering mess and trip and fall or something.”

  My subconscious scoffed at her assessment of me. But, I couldn’t blame her. She could only see what I allowed her to see.

  Everyone knew me, but no one knew me. No one knew what I thought or how I felt or what was really inside, bottled up and waiting to explode like a shaken up can of soda. And I preferred it that way. Let no one in—ever.

  Standing at five foot, one inch, I didn’t don the most dominating appearance, but when I walked into a room with my head held high, I gave off the vibe I was strong-willed and couldn’t be messed with.

  If they only knew how weak I really was . . .

  “People smell fear, San. They’re animals by nature. You just have to douse yourself with enough perfume to make them sniff you and walk away. Confuse them. There’s nothing to it.” I shrugged. “Now, come on. These bitches are drinking my beer.”

  An hour later, I was toast. Well, not completely toast, but I closely resembled the jelly smear. I felt good. Numb. Turned off. Relaxed.

  First mistake.

  “Jace, can you feel your teeth?”

  He sucked on his pearly whites. “Sure can. My legs though, not so much.”

  “Attention! Attention!”

  My head whipped around in the direction of a strong voice shouting through a bullhorn. I groaned inwardly at the familiar face. Eric’s lips grazed the plastic mouthpiece as he spoke. “Time to get the real party started. We’re gonna have us a bit of a game, boys and girls.” Short pieces of rope dangled from his hand, and my breathing hiccupped in my throat.

  “I know you’ve all been trying to get closer to the opposite sex all day, so now’s your chance.” A smile lit his face as he relayed the rules of the grown up version of a three-legged race. “You’ll be tied at the thigh and have to make it around those cones for three laps. Every time you reach a marker, you’ll have to do a shot. Losers chug. There’s only one rule—no same-sex pairings . . . Unless you like that sort of thing.” He winked and the crowd electrified, hooting and hollering, grabbing at each other’s hands, claiming partners.

  Jace licked his lips. “Please, someone tie me to that boy.”

  I set my drink down and started to walk away. “That’s my cue, Jace. I’m outta here.”

  He did a double-take, and then grabbed me by my elbow, forcing me back. “We’ve been over this. It’ll be fun. You need to do these things if you want your life back, Eva.”

  “And get tied to some random guy? Not happening.” I tried to leave again, but he held me firm.

  Rubbing a smooth cheek, he clucked his tongue ring at me. “I’ll be your partner, bitch. I don’t wanna be tied to some messy slut anyway. Don’t make a big deal.”

  “Fine,” I relented.

  We approached Eric, hand-in-hand in an unbreakable bond, and asked to be tied to one another.

  “Didn’t you guys come here together?” Eric asked, holding the rope tight to his chest.

  I squared my shoulders. “Yeah, so?”

  “So maybe I wasn’t clear enough with my instructions. You have to be tied to someone of the opposite sex . . . who you don’t know.”

  My breathing caught, and the hair on my arms bristled. I shook it off and stood up straighter. “I have a boyfriend.”

  A broad smile spread across Eric’s face. “Thems the rules, sweetheart.”

  I waved my arms. “Forget it. I’m out.”

  Jace grabbed me yet again and, for the second time today, I wanted to cause him bodily harm. He was really testing the limits of our friendship. My eyes popped out as far as they could go as I stared him down.

  “Let’s just do it,” he coaxed.

  “Jace!” He couldn’t be serious. He knew me better than this.

  “Come on, Eva.” Jace pulled the pouty-lip trick he knew I couldn’t refuse. “I don’t want to leave yet. It’ll be fun. What do you think is going to happen on a big open field with a million people around?” My eyes followed the swing of his arm, pointing out our company. “Besides, this is why we’re here. Normalcy. This is normal, darling.” His eyes were soft, though his tone urging.

  He was right. It should be easy enough to fake this, and I wouldn’t be alone. But still, the thought of being pressed up against someone made me nauseous. It made me think of him.

  I bit back my trepidation. “Whatever. What do I have to do?” I turned back to Eric and was met with a wry smile. What does this guy have up his sleeve?

  “I’m so happy you asked. Evangelina, I’d like you to meet your new partner.” Eric gestured to his left in a sweeping motion. “Big Jim.”

  I gasped, stumbling backward as I looked at the burly man meant to be tied to me. I think I’m going to be sick. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Oh, I’m serious, sweet stuff. Get acquainted.”

  Great. Of all the people to piss off, I had to pick the ringleader. Good job, Eva.

  I didn’t want Eric to think he’d gotten the better of me, so I popped my hip and shot my hand toward him, my best dirty scowl in place. Eric only chuckled in my face, fueling my rage. I ripped the rope from his hand, nearly pulling off one of his fingers in the process.

  “Take it easy, sweetheart.” He rubbed his palms together.

  “This is me taking it easy,” I growled. “And I’m not your sweetheart.”

  He laughed outright as I stalked off to Big Jim, who was bigger than huge, and more than eager to be tied to the cute little blonde. Awesome.

  “Hey, Big Jim. I’m Little Eva, so be gentle with me. Deal?”

  “Sure thing, little lady.” His tone was friendly, despite his overbearing size. “Here, give me that. I can tie it.” He went to grab the rope, but I snatched my hand back before he could get a good grip.

  “No, that’s fine. I’ve got it.” No way was this guy getting a free feel.

  My fingers moved like lightning over the rough twine. I thought I could do this. But the second his leg pressed against mine, pin pricks traveled over my skin like swift little insect bites. My stomach rolled in nauseous waves, and sweat beaded on my forehead. God, please, not now. If I had an attack here, tied to this guy where I couldn’t get away, I was done for. There’d be no hiding it.

  I pulled on the ends of the rope harder than I intended to, making the knot tighter than necessary. Big Jim flinched, and I winced looking up at him. “Sorry.”

  He rubbed his meaty leg. “That’s okay. I just hope I don’t need an amputation after this.” He flashed a lust-filled grin. “Although, being tied to you, I’m not so sure it wouldn’t be worth it.”

  I rolled my eyes and clamped my jaw shut to stop from telling Big Jim where he could shove it.

  At the starting line, I glanced around at all the couples, unfamiliar with each other, talking a mile a minute. They flirted and laughed, and I realized how out of place we must have looked as we stood mute side by side.

  Jessie hobbled next to me, tied to a pint-sized, doofy-looking kid, her face screwed in a pout. I guessed she didn’t get the better end of the get-to-know-you, tie-together. I scanned the crowd one more time and took note of where Sandra and Jace were, each of them tied to their respective partners. Then I forced myself to relax. There was no reason to panic.

  What’s the holdup? I wanted to get this over with and detach myself from this less than desirable ogre. Leaning forward, I craned my neck to yell at Eric to hurry when my words became trapped somewhere between the bulge in my throat and my tonsils.

  On the far edge of the long line of pairings, Eric wore an animated grin. He was laughing as he leaned into some other guy’s ear, a finger pointed directly at me as he spoke, not trying to hide the fact he was talking about m
e.

  But what halted my words—stopped me cold, wasn’t the fact that he was trying to embarrass me. It was . . .

  Him.

  The guy.

  The one he was talking to.

  He wasn’t laughing along with Eric. His full lips were pursed together, his body stoic as he stood with his hands rooted deep in the pockets of his faded jeans. Even from this distance, I could see the intensity in his eyes, and they were locked and loaded—on me.

  With his chin dipped forward slightly and his head tipped marginally toward Eric’s words, he gave the impression he was listening while his gaze ate me alive, penetrating every morsel of my body, unblinking and unwavering.

  I suddenly felt weak, limp even. And, for a moment, I was thankful for Big Jim’s stability.

  Eric continued rapping his mouth while this guy, this beautiful stranger, stared at me as though it pained him to not come rip off the annoying piece of rope and carry me off somewhere. Eric caught me staring and flitted his fingers in the air, waving at me. Embarrassed, I shook my head, breaking myself from the mystery man’s stare, and planted my focus on the open field.

  But I still felt his eyes on me.

  More words resounded through the bullhorn. “All right, everyone. At the sound of the whistle, I wanna see you hobble. People are waiting at the cones with your shots. Drop ’em back and keep it moving. Ready? On your mark . . . Get set . . .” The whistle shrilled.

  I was too preoccupied, wondering if the stranger was still looking and why it even mattered to me, that I didn’t move right away. But I didn’t have long to think about it.

  Big Jim took off like a bullet.

  I lurched forward, my feet tripping over themselves. Not wasting time, he grabbed me around the waist, supporting my weight as he continued to run. My body turned rigid as it banged against his side. His fingers wrapped around the edge of my belly, and my core tightened, wanting to throw him off me. He forced his grip deeper into my flesh and hoisted me higher until my toes were dragging on the ground.

  I screeched, punching him in the chest out of instinct.

  He merely laughed and pulled me tighter. “Come on, beautiful. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

  And that was it.

  My body stopped its fight. My field of vision closed in tighter and tighter, until it was merely a pin-hole in front of my eyes. I went down in slow motion, and then the world disappeared.

  “Come on, beautiful. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

  I’m pinned against the wall, his body pressing into mine so tightly it’s hard to breathe. His mouth clamps down over mine, his tongue probing between my tight lips, trying to gain entry.

  In his sweet, coaxing tone, he threatens. “The harder you make this for me, the harder I’ll make it for you in the long run. Do you want everyone to know our little secret?”

  I shake my head violently.

  His hand snakes up my throat and grabs my chin. “I didn’t think so.” He scrapes his thumb along my mouth. “Now open those rosy little lips for me, beautiful. I can’t wait another second to have you.”

  There’s no use.

  Relaxing my lips, I tighten my eyelids so I don’t have to watch. His tongue enters my mouth, mingled with a wet saltiness, and he moans. The rise and fall of my chest slows as I give myself over—go somewhere else. It’s just a body. My soul can go anywhere.

  His hand trails down my side. He’s not being rough, but every touch feels sharp, like nails being raked across my skin. It comes to rest on my thigh, at the end of my shorts, and he skims his finger along the perimeter before tugging sharply at the edge.

  My hand flew down to claw at his fingers.

  Voices.

  “Dude, can’t you see she’s freaking out? Give me a hand, fucker!”

  Warm breath touched my ear. “I’ll get this untied, sweetheart. Just hold still.”

  Blinking, I turned my head in the direction of the friendly voice and found myself staring into the bluest pair of eyes I’d ever seen. Worry and compassion seeped from them as he placed a hand to my cheek and spoke again. “You’re okay. I’ll have you free in a second.”

  It was him. The guy Eric was talking to. And up close he was even more mesmerizing. Calm washed over me until I registered the weight bearing down on the lower half of my body. Big Jim was laughing uncontrollably, in drunken hysterics.

  My body shot up, knocking him to the side. “Get off me!” I screamed at the oversized oaf as I tried to tear at the rope that still bound us together.

  Beautiful stranger trained his eyes on Big Jim. “Dude, I’m telling you right now. If you don’t stop and let me get this off her, I’ll cut your leg off to get her out.” He looked just as bothered as I was for some odd reason.

  “All right. All right. Jeez, what’s wrong with you guys?” Big Jim rolled to his side and folded his hands on his chest, waiting to be cut loose.

  My fingers fumbled haphazardly with the beautiful stranger’s, both of us struggling to set me free. He stilled my hands with his, his voice low and gentle. “I’ll do it. Just hold still a sec. Can you do that for me?”

  Nodding, I sucked my cheeks in, holding back tears.

  Jace ran up to us, huffing and puffing. He put his hands on his knees and bent forward, trying to catch his breath just as this unnamed man finished untying the last knot.

  I looked up at my best friend, silently pleading for his rescue.

  “What happened? Heat got to you again?” Shaking his head with a chuckle, Jace played off my mishap. “I can’t take you anywhere.” He tugged me to my feet, then tucked me under his arm. “Thanks, guy. I got her now.”

  Turning me around, he urged me forward, speaking discreetly. “Hold it together, baby girl. We’ll be home in a minute. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, love.”

  I peeked back between our shoulders. The mystery man remained motionless, one hand on the dirt, the other on his leg as he kneeled beside Big Jim, watching each step of my retreat. I couldn’t shake the numbingly breathless effect of having those eyes directed at me. A regular girl probably would have introduced herself, said thank you. But I wasn’t a regular girl. I was me.

  Looking forward, I buried my face in Jace’s neck, feeling the familiar burn invade my throat.

  I exist on a scattered plane. A place where lightness and darkness meet somewhere in between. Uneven slats I maneuver around and hop across, trying to maintain stability. Some shedding enough light to shine and others enough darkness to hide behind. I live in the gray area. The bubble in the middle, never sure which direction to go.

  Tap, tap, tap. My pen bounced off the page.

  I’d dreamed of this day for so long. My world centering around this very moment for hours on end, thinking it would all be different once I got here; that I’d take back control and make something of myself.

  So why didn’t I feel relieved? And why did my insides still feel so dirty?

  I sucked in a ragged breath, expelling the air slowly to tame my erratic heartbeat.

  Free. I was finally free.

  Lies.

  I could tell myself that all I wanted, but I never would be, would I? Didn’t deserve to be. I’d brought all this upon myself, and asked for every bit of torture that came after the night I handed over my soul, sealing the deal with the devil himself. Now, I was his little fucking puppet—a marionette dangling from his strings.

  “Evangelina Ricci.” My name pulled me out of my distracted haze.

  Great. Minute five, day one, and I’m already fucking this up. I shook my head like an Etch-A-Sketch, attempting a clean pallet, and sat up straighter in my chair, focusing on the balding man at the front of the room.

  Time to turn on the charm.

  “Yes, Professor Klein,” I answered in the sweetest voice I could muster.

  His frown deepened as he peered over the top of his glasses, scanning the crowd, then softened just a bit when he zeroed in on me. “A simple present would suf
fice. Try to stay with us would you please, Miss Ricci?”

  Really? Roll call in college? “Yes, of course. Sorry, sir.”

  “Thank you.” He continued on. “Ryan Stevens . . . Seymour Townsend . . .”

  I knotted my sweaty hands together and wedged them between my bouncing thighs, looking around the class at my peers. Curling my back, I slid lower in the hard plastic chair. After the scene I’d caused this weekend, I wondered if I could pull this off at all, or if I’d be forced to slink back home with my tail between my legs.

  Fuck that.

  I wasn’t going back there. Not until I was ready.

  Coming here was nothing more than the coward’s way out, disguised as plans for a bright future. I tucked my demons away behind goals and ambitions; swallowed them down and buried them deep within myself; imbedding them further into my soul.

  The plan had always been the same. Do well in school, make lots of money, establish a great career, and make a name for myself. I needed to ensure I could run wherever—whenever I wanted, and be independent on my own. It was such a lonely existence, but it got me through.

  Except my brain was never still. It was such an effort to weed through the ramblings in my head and make sense of them that I found myself perpetually exhausted. Another punishment of mine.

  No peace.

  You’re not going to do this right now. Focus!

  I straightened my spine and managed to get through the rest of class taking notes and going through the motions, keeping any negative thoughts at bay. I even answered a few redeeming questions before hightailing it out of there.

  I could do this.

  The hall had that first day feel. A bunch of people with nervous smiles and wandering eyes shimmying about. The anxiety in the air was thick—girls toting giant backpacks, guys trying to act laid back, but the doubt in their eyes giving them away.

  A high-pitch screech shrilled in my ears. “Eva!”

  I stopped walking and sighed inwardly, just needing a few minutes alone. I’d left New Jersey as one of the most popular girls in the town, and it seemed to have followed me to Manhattan.