Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  Cue cheesy, overly friendly smile. “Hey, Jessie. What’s up?” I didn’t want her to think I didn’t like her. We’d met when she bumped into me while buying school books. She kept apologizing and insisting I let her buy me a coffee to make it up to me. Ever since, we were becoming fast friends.

  She jogged to meet me. “You feeling better? I was worried the other night when you left the frat party, and you haven’t answered your phone.”

  I immediately felt sorry for brushing her off. She was sweet, and she meant well. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess the heat got to me. Sorry if I made you worry.” I used Jace’s lame excuse, even though in reality it was a little chilly that night.

  “As long as you’re okay.” She relaxed. “You have plans later? My last class is at three, and I’m dying for a mani/pedi. Wanna come?” She really was a cute girl. Tight blonde curls, big amber eyes, and this almost childlike personality. Kind of like an overgrown Shirley Temple.

  I smiled. “Sure. I could use some girly unwind time. Meet me at my apartment at four-thirty.”

  Jessie gave a few short claps of her hands, bouncing up and down. Her smile was so broad that I swore she was going to wind up with a mouthful of hair one of these days. “Yay! Okay, see ya then. I can’t wait!” She popped a kiss on my cheek and hurried off to her next class.

  I watched her retreating figure, looking on with wonder at how she could be so genuinely happy. Then I remembered once upon a time I was happy like that, too.

  I’m three, my sister five, and we’re sitting, legs dangling off the swing on our front porch. Chocolate ice cream runs down our arms, dripping from cones and onto our flowered, cotton jumpers. We giggle over our chocolate-coated chins.

  Mommy comes out, and we give her sly little grins. “Look at you two! Did you even eat any of it?” She’s pretending to be mad, but her smirk gives her away.

  We bat our eyelashes and sing in a chorus we’ve mastered, “Sowwwyyyy, Mommmyyyyyy.”

  “It’s okay,” she says, giving up the charade. “Come and get washed up, you two.”

  The glider flies behind us as we hop off, leaving brown, sticky footprints in our wake as we scurry around to the side of the house to use the hose and wash away the evidence, giggling all the while. With an evil laugh, Mommy turns on the water and sprays us, and we run in circles, screaming and laughing, trying to escape.

  The giggles faded, and I was left in a hall, surrounded by strangers. My smile slowly receded at the corners as I hung my head, tucked my hair behind my ear, and quickly walked away before anyone could see the tear forming in the corner of my eye.

  I swiped at my cheeks and kept my head bowed, raising my eyes sporadically so I didn’t bump into anyone. Still unsure of the geography of the building, I chanced a glance up, elongating my body to peer around and find an exit, when my feet stopped moving.

  The guy who had helped me the other night stood in front of me, leaning against a wall with his knee bent. He was laughing as he spoke excitedly with Eric. Motionless, I stared, blinking away the tears I was struggling to keep at bay.

  He looked so different when he smiled. Different from the guy whose intense gaze stayed focused on me. Different from the one who helped me with concern etched into his features. He looked carefree and alive, how a typical, college-aged person should look.

  I took a long, deep swallow, watching the hair that loosely brushed his forehead. His Adam’s apple vibrated in his throat with each hearty chuckle, and he had the cutest dimple I’d ever seen. I didn’t get to see that the other day.

  I studied his movements, cataloging each of them into compartments in my brain so I could call upon them whenever I liked. I envied him. And even stranger was I felt myself wanting to know him.

  Just as that thought brushed my subconscious, Eric nodded his head in my direction, a snide smirk on his lips. The stranger looked over then, and his smile faltered, his dimple slowly disappearing. Recognition flashed in his eyes, and he dropped his foot from the wall and started toward me.

  Crap!

  Turning, I shrunk myself as small as possible and squeezed through the throng of students, desperate to find a way out. In the near distance, I saw it—the double doors I entered this morning. Finally! I slammed my palms on the metal and shoved through the doors, ducking to the side. After a few moments had passed, I chanced a look through the glass cutout.

  In the midst of the crowd, his eyes darted from left to right, studying everyone. He completed a slow spin, scanning faces. Not finding what he was looking for, the tension in his shoulders slackened. He laced his fingers at his nape and looked up, working the bones in his square jaw. Then he slapped his palm on the wall, hung his head, and turned to walk in the opposite direction.

  Disappointment washed over me from the outside in. I wanted to open the door and call to him, but I refrained. Instead, I blew out the giant lump of air I was holding, then ran down the steps and away from him.

  Hiding in a corner on the great lawn, my body crumpled. I curled up, tucking my knees under my chin. That was twice I had faltered, twice I’d almost showed how weak I was—how broken. I couldn’t allow that to happen again. I needed to try harder. Shut off certain parts of my brain while still allowing the other parts to function.

  Visions of those blue eyes flashed before me, but I pushed them aside. I didn’t know why he was invading my thoughts the way he was. Or why I even cared at all. But the look on his face as he tried to get to me, desperate and determined. He looked so genuine. So good. So . . . not for someone like me.

  I laughed inwardly for being stupid enough to even think about that guy. I was losing it. Shaking my head, I pushed to my feet and rushed off to my class so I could put this first day—the day that was supposed to be the best day, behind me.

  Forty-five minutes after arriving at the salon, Jessie and me were donning pretty, pink, semi-sticky fingers and toes. I felt totally refreshed and wore a contented smile. I didn’t get those often and had to remember to thank Jessie for that one day.

  Clasping my hand in both of hers, she tugged and did a backward walk. “Come on, we’re meeting Sandra and Jace at the pizzeria.” She smiled her famous Jessie smile.

  I didn’t argue. I was a sucker for New York pizza. The smell of cheese, basil, and garlic wafting through the air grabbed me from blocks away.

  Sandra and Jace saw me and huge grins split their faces. “You came!” Sandra hooked an arm around my neck and squeezed.

  “Of course, I came. I heard you guys would be here, and I couldn’t resist.”

  We decided to split a Margherita pie and chose a table outside before the chill inevitably kicked in. There were probably only a couple weeks of warmth left, but for now it was still summer, and we were holding onto it for dear life.

  I tipped my nose up to the dry, crisp air. The sun was just beginning to set, creating an orange hue so bright it was almost hard to look at. White, wispy clouds lined a clear sky. A refreshing breeze slid under my hair and softly blew it to the side as I sat in one of the metal chairs lining the sidewalk.

  Jessie and Sandra took seats across from each other, and Jace sat across from me. He swung his legs onto my lap and leaned back, stretching his arms above his dark brown head, streaked with swipes of blonde.

  “What a long day.” He inhaled, and then huffed out a large breath of air. “Ugh, and it’s only day one. I’m gonna need me a sugar daddy to help pass the time if I’m getting through this.” He turned his hand over and examined his nails, accentuating boredom.

  We all laughed.

  “What? I’m serious. And don’t you bitches be getting in my way either. They don’t call me the corrupter for nothing.”

  “You’re terrible!” Sandra chortled, slapping his arm.

  “Oh no, honey. I’m so, so good. Trust.” He raised one wicked eyebrow at her before coolly slipping a pair of sunglasses over his honey colored eyes, and scoping out his surroundings with a puckered lip, reminding me why I loved him. “What was I t
hinking, agreeing to this?” And here came his bitching.

  “That you love me of course.” I batted my eyelashes at him.

  “Yeah, yeah.” He rolled his eyes, dramatic as usual.

  “Hey, Eva, those guys are staring over here.” Jessie’s gaze was focused on the table in the corner, and she wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “Hubba hubba.”

  “Hubba hubba? What are you, five?” I laughed, then egged her on. “Go say hi. Your curls are extra bouncy today.”

  Her delicate nose scrunched up. For once, not the smile. “Um, I don’t think they’d have much interest in me. They’re foaming at the mouth, staring at you.”

  I chanced a sideways glance, pretending to care. “That one with the sandy hair and bulging biceps is kind of hot.”

  That was all she needed to get her going. “Go! Go!” She shoved my arm.

  “I can’t go.” I chuckled, shooing her hand away. “I have a boyfriend, remember?” Just as I finished the sentence, Mr. Bulging Biceps made his way over. He looked like he was walking the runway as he weaved in and out of tables. I glanced over at Jace, who was already eyeing me, and then back to the runway model.

  Here I go. I was well trained in this dance.

  Runway model stopped directly in front of me and scanned every inch of me in under three-seconds.

  My subconscious rolled her eyes.

  “Hey.” He ran a hand through his sandy blond hair, giving me a coy little smile and exuding confidence.

  “Hi.” I smiled politely.

  “I’m Drew.”

  “Hi, Drew. I’m Evangelina.” I kept him at arm’s length. If you got my full name, you were getting brushed off.

  “Nice to meet you, Evangelina. Is this your boyfriend?” He nodded his head at Jace but kept his focus on me.

  Jace lowered his sunglasses to the tip of his nose. “Seriously, hot stuff? That’s your segue? I know you can’t be that naïve. Get on with it.” He flicked his wrist twice in our direction.

  “Down boy. Don’t be jealous.” I kissed my hand and blew the air at Jace, then fixed my gaze back on Drew. “This is my faithful sidekick, Jace, and he’s happy to make your acquaintance. Aren’t you, love?” I cocked an eyebrow at Jace.

  Jace blew him a kiss and licked his lips. I think my new suitor might have almost just fainted.

  Swallowing hard, he tried to save the moment. “Okay . . . well, since you’re boyfriendless—”

  “Well, now, I didn’t say that,” I interrupted.

  “Oh.” He shook his head and blinked, clearly rattled.

  From the corner of my eye, I noticed Sandra and Jessie do almost the same thing. This was their first experience with the Eva/Jace show as well. Jace and I made a good team. We didn’t even have to speak. We were in each other’s heads and knew exactly what we needed from the other. He was my Will, and I his Grace.

  Staring down at his feet, Drew’s hands fell to his sides. “So, you are taken? I should’ve known someone as gorgeous as you would have a boyfriend.” It worked. He had that deflated look I’d come to know so well.

  No, I’m damaged. “Yes, I do. But I am flattered. Who knows, Drew, maybe sometime down the road . . .” I let the insinuation linger there. I didn’t like to hurt their egos too badly, but I couldn’t let them find out how tainted I was. At least this was one aspect of my life I knew I could control.

  Looking into my eyes, he was hopeful again. “Now that’s one road I’m going to try my best to find. I’ll be seeing you, Evangelina.”

  “I look forward to it, Drew,” I said through a plastic smile.

  He returned, a little less confident, to his table of friends who were clearly laughing at his expense.

  “Aw. He was such a cutie, Eva!” Sandra whined.

  Jessie chimed in. “Seriously, girl. You made him look like a fallen warrior. This must be one hot guy you keep refusing people for.”

  Jace spoke up, doing his thing. “Don’t you worry those pretty little ringlets. Her man is one sweet piece of candy.” He took his legs down, came over to my side of the table, and sat on my lap. Wrapping his arms around my neck, he kissed me on the temple.

  I looked up at him. “Love you.”

  “Love you more, munchkin.”

  We continued to sit there, joking and going over our days of syllabi after syllabi. The sun had now completely set and I’d started to get a chill when Jace politely informed me I needed some beauty rest.

  “Gee thanks.” I screwed my face in a pout.

  “I only speak the truth.” He pulled me up by my hand, and we started in the direction of our apartment building, leaving the girls to make their way to the dorms.

  “Thanks for having my back, love.” I rested my head on Jace’s shoulder as we walked, intertwining our hands.

  “You know I always do.” He kissed the top of my head. “But, you need to rub some shit on your face or something and make my job a little easier.”

  We laughed in unison as we walked up the steps to our apartments.

  “Love,” he recited our standard parting endearment.

  “Love,” I replied.

  I gave him a kiss on the lips, and he was gone. Time for my much needed beauty rest.

  Yeah, right. I should be so lucky.

  Day two.

  Sunlight peeked through my window, flooding the room with scattered rays. A small smile formed on my face. My mood usually mirrored the weather, so days like this made me want to take extra care with my appearance.

  I rubbed my eyes and gave a good stretch. Swinging my legs off the side of the bed, I caught sight of my pretty little toes. Wiggling them, I made a mental note to get them done more often. I needed things to feel good about.

  After shooting my mom the quick, weekly email I’d promised, I went straight for my go-to jeans that hugged all the right curves and had holes in all the right places. I probably should have retired them years ago, but they were my favorite, so I planned on keeping them until they were nothing but threads. I opted for a fitted white tee and, since I’d gone to the trouble of doing my toes, I decided to show them off a little and chose a pair of brown strappy sandals.

  Back in the bathroom, I went to work on my mane, pulling the top half into four intricate knots. They lined the top of my head, each bunch falling loose over the rest of my hair. All of the different shades of blonde melded together like woven gold. Carefully, I applied mascara strand by strand. My eyes were my own personal arsenal, and I needed those babies at attention.

  When I caught a glimpse of the alarm clock on my bedside table, I started to panic. Shit. I had to hurry. I sprinted to the living room and hung my satchel over my shoulder, then popped the collar of my leather jacket, and ran out the door. Hopefully the gods would be kind and get me there on time.

  Breathe, Eva. You’re good.

  I made it with a few minutes to spare. Ugh, but this was Global Economics. No matter how hard I tried, I hated the stuff. I had a difficult enough time focusing on the classes I did like. The only thing that was going to get me through this one was having Jessie and Sandra with me.

  I was studiously taking notes while Jessie sat behind me, twirling a strand of my hair laying on her desk. It was comforting, actually. My sister used to play with my hair all the time.

  That thought made me fidget.

  “Sorry, was I bothering you?”

  “No, don’t be silly,” I whispered over my shoulder. “It just tickled for a second.”

  “It just looked so soft and shiny. Shiny things distract me.” That caused a round of giggles and a glare from Professor Collins. Jessie winced. “Let’s meet up later so you can clue me in on what Professor Stiff Pants has been babbling about up there. Apparently, I was too engrossed in your luscious locks to pay attention.”

  “We’ll do dinner at my place.” I looked to my right. “Sandra, you come too in case there’s anything I missed.”

  She tapped her pen to her chin and looked up toward the ceiling for a moment. “How abou
t spaghetti and a special salad?”

  “Oh right, I forgot you’re the aspiring chef. Score.” We all laughed, and the professor made an overzealous clearing of his throat.

  Oops, did it again.

  I whispered this time. “No more, girls. We’ll catch up later.”

  After trying my best to stay focused and retain something all morning, the cafeteria was a welcomed break. Needing to sort out my head and be by myself for a rare moment, I grabbed a small salad, and meandered through the crowd to find an out of the way table by the window, still wanting to make the most of the weather.

  My phone chirped, alerting me to a text message.

  My sister.

  Hey, girl, hope your first day went well. I can’t believe you didn’t call to fill me in. Just because I didn’t go away to school doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear all about it. I miss you. Call me. XO

  I sent out a quick reply so she wouldn’t worry.

  Me: Hi, it was good. Just really overwhelmed. I’ll call you as soon as I can. XO

  I lowered the phone, and my heart sank. I knew she didn’t understand why I’d been so distant the last few years. We were best friends, always labeling ourselves: BFFL.

  Beautiful

  Funny

  Flippin’

  Loud

  Don’t ask where that came from. Kids come up with funny things. She acted like she didn’t notice my detachment, but I knew it had to be bothering her. It was bothering me. She was the one person I always ran to with anything, and she wouldn’t judge or ask twice. She’d always defended me and protected me. But I couldn’t chance her finding out, and I knew how hard she could push, so I’d distanced myself, when that was the last thing I wanted to do.

  I missed her so much I—

  “So the lady does stay still,” a smooth voice said as a large form slipped into the chair beside me.

  With a huff, I turned, preparing for battle. “This seat’s ta—” When I saw who it was, my mouth clamped shut, and I lost my words.

  “You gonna eat that?” He nodded toward my untouched meal.