Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  I reached a finger to my lips, finding the object of his attention and plucking it loose. I hadn’t even felt it.

  Blake smiled shyly. “I thought it was okay and I pushed too far. I’m sorry.” He sighed and raked a frustrated hand through his hair. “God, when am I going to stop fucking this up?”

  His admission left me stunned, and I wasn’t sure if I had the energy left I’d need to deal with it.

  “Say you forgive me. God, I never want to fucking see you cry—ever. I only want to make you feel good things, never bad. Please, don’t hate me.”

  The heartbreaking look he wore actually made me want to comfort him. My heart felt like it had just melted and was leaking through my nervous system. I needed to make it better as badly as he needed for it to be better.

  Truth.

  He needed the truth.

  He’d done nothing wrong and he was here groveling as though he had. “It’s not you. It’s me. I’m fucked up.” I closed my mouth quickly, unable to believe I’d said that out loud. “I overreacted. Let’s just drop it, okay? We’ll pretend it didn’t happen.”

  Blake relaxed a little, and I was grateful he wasn’t harping on what I’d just said.

  I gave him a shy smile. “And I don’t hate you. I couldn’t if I wanted to. Trust me, I’ve tried.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Is it all right if I come closer now?” He looked like he couldn’t stomach the distance anymore. It was cute. It relaxed my insides.

  “Yeah, it’s okay.” I scooted over to give him room and patted the space beside me. “Bertha misses you.”

  Blake inched toward me on his butt like a worm, skeptical of every move he made in my direction. When he finally reached me, he was rigid by my side, leaving more distance than necessary. He sat on his hands as if he didn’t trust he could keep them to himself.

  “Relax, I’m fine. It was all too overwhelming. I’m sorry I reacted that way. I just don’t trust myself when I’m with you. It makes me nervous. You must think I’m out of my mind, huh?”

  “I’ll never think anything bad of you, Angel. I don’t want to tell you what I do think of you. You might run away again, and I forgot to wear my running shoes today, obviously.”

  I laughed, and the mood shifted between us like we’d been doing this for years.

  Pulling his hands from their place underneath him, Blake turned toward me. He lifted his thumbs to the swollen, tender flesh beneath my lower lashes and smoothed away the loose tears and streaks of mascara, letting his hands cradle my face once he’d cleaned it all away. The act was so compassionate and gentle, I couldn’t help but close my eyes and just feel. Feel him. Feel safe. Just . . . feel.

  When I opened my eyes, he was staring at me as if there was so much he wanted to say. I had to put a stop to this. “Blake, I—”

  “Come on.” He smiled sweetly. “Let me take you for some ice cream.”

  “Ice cream?” I cocked my head to the side.

  He winked and pulled me to my feet. “Sure. Ice cream makes everything better. And I already told you, I’ll take whatever I can get.”

  The bar was empty when I arrived, but I could already tell I liked it. It was small, clean, and surprisingly homey.

  Immediately at ease, my gaze wandered, taking in my surroundings. A jukebox to my left flashed, alongside a computerized game. In front of me, an enormous bar sparkled. Behind it, a massive back, wearing a white button down shirt stood, counting the money in the register. He was bopping his head to the familiar nineties song playing over the sound system, his longish, ashy blond hair swept over his collar as he continued to rock-out.

  When he finished counting, he used his hip to push in the drawer mid-lyric, then did a double take as he turned around to find me standing there.

  I put my hand up and slowly waved, embarrassed for having found him that way.

  Not the least bit ashamed, a big smile spread across his face. “And you must be Evangelina.”

  “The one and only.” I flashed a toothy smile at him. I needed this to go right.

  He walked over, extending his tanned hand. “I’m Rick. Nice to meet you.” He was a bit older than me, possibly mid-twenties. His eyes were a light, cloudy, friendly blue, and his features were kind of . . . pretty.

  “Eva. Please.” I gripped his hand in a firm handshake. “It’s nice to meet you, too. Thanks for doing this for me. I really appreciate it, especially on such short notice.”

  “No problem. Jessie’s my girl. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Come, have a seat and we can get to know each other a little better.”

  “Lead the way.”

  We walked through a large opening, down a couple of steps to a dance floor where there were a few tables and chairs set. Pulling out the closest one, he gestured for me to sit before walking around to take the seat across from me.

  “So, Eva, tell me a little about yourself.”

  “Well, I just moved here from Colt’s Neck, where I spent my whole life. There isn’t much to do in a small town so, of course, I grew up mixing drinks at house parties.”

  He nodded his head, giving me a friendly smile. “Didn’t we all?”

  My body relaxed even further, seeing how relatable he was. “I left because I wanted a fresh start and just enrolled in my freshman year of college. That’s where I met Jessie. I know Jersey isn’t a ways off for most people, but it’s a ways off for me, so this is all pretty new.”

  The corners of his eyes crinkled, and he folded his hands on the table, allowing me to continue.

  “Anyway, I have a very nice, very expensive apartment that needs to be paid for somehow. I figure this kind of job is probably the only one that can afford me to do that and,” I shrugged, “I’m good at it. Plus, I’m sure it’s good times. Am I right?”

  He nodded and chuckled. “Indeed.”

  “So Jessie mentioned she had a friend and that she thought I’d do well here and . . . well, here I am.”

  “Fair enough. My turn.” He leaned back in his chair, extended his legs, and crossed one over the other. Clasping his hands behind his head, he looked like he was sitting in his living room, talking about a baseball game rather than conducting a job interview. “This bar is my home. It’s my life. My family. It’s everything to me. If you want to come on board, you become my family and you treat it the same. Those are the rules.”

  I looked at him through a tilted view. “Are you saying I have the job?”

  His lips spread into a bright smile. “Let’s see how you do tonight. If all goes well and we mesh, then sure, you have the job.” He sat up straight and leaned in, taking inventory of me from head to toe. “I think you’ll fit in perfectly. Just remember how important this place is to me and always respect it. No drama. No jealous boyfriends. Just, as you say, good times. Deal?”

  “Deal.” I nodded, unable to contain my excitement. “Thank you so much! You won’t regret it, I promise. Just tell me what you want me to do.”

  He laughed at my rambling. “You’re starting to sound like Jessie now. Come on, let’s show you the ropes.” He stood up and made a sweeping motion. “This is where the bands and deejays set up. We have a dance floor and a few places to sit and hang out. Pretty standard stuff.”

  He walked toward the back corner to a long staircase that led to the lower level, which was set up like a cushy lounge. It was a different atmosphere from the bar area we’d just left. Deep plush couches and giant ottomans were scattered inside purple walls with bubbles crawling up them. There was another bar in the far left corner. It was just as big, and even shinier than the one upstairs.

  “This is really nice. I’m thoroughly impressed,” I said as I completed a full circle. He’d obviously spent a lot of time designing this space, and his love for it shined through.

  He smiled. “I appreciate that. I try to cater to everyone. We’re your neighborhood pub if that’s what you’re in the mood for, but a more modern, upscale lounge if that’s what tickles your fancy. We support local
bands and deejays, while still maintaining the old time feel of a jukebox. We have it all.” He clapped his hands together proudly. “You’ll be switching between here and upstairs, but I think you’ll enjoy both. Dress code is whatever you like, just don’t get too daring. I have a strict no touching policy, and you’ll only make my job harder. But keep in mind you’ll want the greatest amount of tips. Everyone should believe they can go home with you, even though no one actually will. Get my drift?” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for my reply.

  “Got it.” I nodded once. “I really can’t thank you enough for this.”

  “Thank you.” He started back toward the steps. “You’ll be upstairs with me tonight. It’s more beer and less extravagant drinks, so it’ll break you in easy. Let’s go up and I’ll show you what goes on behind the scenes.”

  Around nine o’clock, patrons began to wander in. Working with Rick was smooth and comfortable; you’d never know we just met. I could tell he was a good guy, and I didn’t feel on edge around him. After everything I’d been through, I’d become a good judge of character.

  By eleven o’clock, the place was hopping. There was a deejay tonight with a large, very thirsty following. Rick and I had fallen into a rhythm, and I thought I was doing my job impressing him. We were entertaining the crowd, singing at each other into makeshift bottle microphones. He grabbed me by the hand, and twirled me into him before pushing on my hip, sending me spiraling outward. I swirled to the opposite end of the bar, laughing, spinning, and playing the role. Stopping myself abruptly on the edge, my head jerked forward, sending my hair cascading over my face. I flipped it up in an overly dramatic fashion to play with whoever was seated there when my eyes locked on blue diamonds.

  His stare was fierce, primal and possessive. “Hi, Angel.”

  Chest heaving, I stared right back at him, because I hadn’t figured out how not to yet. “Hi, Blake.”

  The background noise faded, and all that existed was me and him, locked in our own private universe.

  “Eva . . . Eva.” Noise funneled into my ears. I forced my gaze away. Rick stood at the other end of the bar with an unspoken question in his eyes.

  I gave him a thumbs up and mouthed ‘friend’, then I turned back to the god perched on the stool before me.

  Exhaling, I rubbed my palms over my thighs. “You got thirsty?”

  Blake’s eyes flitted over my shoulder in Rick’s direction, assessing him before returning his attention to me. “Parched.”

  I leaned my hip on the bar. “What can I get you to quench your thirst?” It may have come across a bit provocative, but I didn’t care. I was sick of being the only one left to squirm.

  Take that, Dimples!

  I watched his breath become strangled by his Adam’s apple as it made a slow and deliberate travel, first up and then down the glorious length of his neck. Seeing it up close did things to me and I instinctively crossed my legs.

  His hands gripped the edge of the bar, turning his knuckles white, and his eyes portrayed the struggle going on beneath them. He opened his mouth to say something, and I knew it was killing him not to bite at my outward insinuation. Then a devilish grin spread across his face.

  Leaning as far forward as the barrier between us would allow, he stared at my lips and threw my sass back at me. “Sex On The Beach sounds perfect.”

  Flames sparked instantly in the sweet spot between my thighs. The heat that started there pricked down my legs and then slithered up every pore in my body before slamming into my cheeks.

  Get a hold of yourself. You asked for that, idiot.

  Playing his game, I peaked one wicked eyebrow. “Sex On The Beach it is.” Giving a wink, I turned to work on his drink, feeling his eyes boring into me the whole time. I swore they could touch me. All over. Everywhere.

  What’s gotten into me? This has to be those few shots talking. I’m so going to regret this. I just know it.

  When I returned with his liquid sex, a straw poked from the corner of his mouth, and he was working his jaw mercilessly. I instantly felt bad for leading him on. It was stupid of me. I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression, so I played it off as best I could. “I have to work. It’s my first night, so I can’t really stay and chat.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll just be here, quenching my thirst.” His eyes deliberately raked the length of me, pinning me in place. It sent a chill down my spine, and I almost believed we just had sex on the beach. He tipped his glass to me, showing off his dimple. “Cheers.”

  I tried to shake it off and appear unaffected, my body feeling as though it was vibrating back over to Rick.

  Blake sat there the rest of the night, watching my display, an inscrutable look on his face. I made him a few more drinks, careful not to linger too long.

  When my shift ended, my eyes immediately sought out Blake. He was gone. He’d left without saying goodbye. All that remained was the twenty dollar tip he’d left hanging over the edge of the bar with his empty glass on top of it. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. I cleared away the glass and threw the twenty into the oversized fishbowl. Trying to cover up my disappointment, I cheerfully turned to Rick. “So, how’d I do?”

  He gleamed. “Phenomenal! Seriously, Eva. You were awesome. The job is yours. How’d you like it?”

  “I loved it. I had such a good time, and we worked so well together, don’t ya think?”

  “I couldn’t agree more. So what nights are you free?”

  I beamed. “I’ll make myself free. You just say the word and I’m here.”

  “Let’s start with Monday, Wednesday and Friday for now. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  We shook on it and I was elated. I plucked my cell from my bag to text Jes as I walked out the door.

  Me: I so owe you a months worth of pedicures. I got the job! Rick’s great and I couldn’t be happier. Thanks, girl!

  My fingers worked quick as I walked absentmindedly. Smiling, I slid my phone back into my bag. When I looked up, my steps halted. Blake’s magnificent form was only a few feet away, illuminated under a streetlight. He was standing how he normally did—leaning against the side of the building, one foot perched behind him, pieces of his silky hair falling into his eyes.

  God, the man was gorgeous.

  I approached him the way you would a butterfly you didn’t want to fly away. “Hey, I thought you’d left without saying goodbye.” I gave a flirty little pout.

  Stupid shots!

  One corner of his mouth tipped up. “Come on now. Would I do that?”

  A smile crept up my lips. “No, I guess not.”

  “So, how’d it go?”

  “So great! I got the job. I start tomorrow. I guess studying will have to wait again.”

  He gave a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. The faintest look of something short of distress flickered there instead.

  I didn’t like that smile.

  “I can always help you study, you know.”

  “Really? You would do that for me?”

  Blake rolled his eyes. “Angel, I’m starting to think there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you at this point.”

  I didn’t know what to do with that. Blushing, I tucked my hair behind my ear and ducked my head. “Thanks. Well, I guess I’ll see you around campus then?”

  “Uh-uh. I’m walking you home. You didn’t think I was letting you walk alone this time of night, did you? I didn’t just stand here to hold this wall up.” He pushed off the side of the building, landing nearly chest to chest with me.

  I fought the urge to step forward, while at the same time fighting the urge to step back. Friggin’ head case.

  “Lead the way.” He enveloped my hand, and we began to walk toward my apartment.

  We had such a nice, easy stroll, you’d think it was the middle of the afternoon. I was so comfortable with him; it was like we’d known each other for years. We talked easily and somehow he managed to get me to open up. Every time I was with him, I felt like I could
actually be myself. It’d been so many years since I’d done that, I thought I’d forgotten how.

  Rounding the corner, my building came into view. I hadn’t considered he would wind up knowing where I lived. Too late now.

  We reached my front door, both dragging our feet, prolonging the inevitable.

  I looked at my toes, my voice small as I said, “Hey, Blake?”

  “Yeah, Angel.”

  I peeked up at him. “I’m glad you waited.”

  A slow smile swept across his lips. I wondered if he realized he was chewing away at my resolve. “Ditto. Actually, gimme your phone.”

  “For what?”

  “Stop being so difficult all the time. Can you do that? I want to give you my number in case I’m ever not here on the nights you’re working and you have a problem. That okay?” He reached out his hand, waiting.

  I considered what he’d said a moment and the fact this would put us one step closer before fishing my phone from my bag and placing it in his waiting palm. His fingers made quick work of the buttons and with a smirk he passed it back to me. When our hands met, he wrapped his around mine and tugged me in.

  He hesitated a moment, watching my eyes for trepidation with every descending inch.

  Somehow, I had none. I was sure he was going to kiss me and I wasn’t moving. I wanted this.

  My breathing sped up, and I wondered if he could see my pulse knocking on the skin at my throat. The slow torture of him inching toward me, blue diamonds blazing, had my knees ready to buckle. I locked them to keep myself upright, the swift rise and fall of his chest a giveaway of his own weakness. When he was finally close enough that I could feel the tiny flicks of his ragged breath, he turned his head ever so slightly and brought his attention to the place where the corner of my mouth met my cheek and settled his lips there.

  The second his mouth made contact with my skin, it was like I’d been branded. I was sure I would forever feel his lips seared in that very spot.

  My chest heaved and my breaths sputtered through my lips. Pins and needles pricked every inch of my being and those butterflies were battering my insides again. I was worried I might pass out. I wanted to run away, yet I wanted to hold him to this very spot at the same time. I wanted to say no, and I wanted to say yes. I wanted to get mad, and I wanted to get happy.