Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  Lunatic.

  Slowly, he reached up with the hand that wasn’t holding mine and laced it through the hair at the nape of my neck. He buried his nose in my throat and inhaled deeply, taking in my scent.

  My eyes closed and my head dropped back. God, this feels good. I tried to memorize each sensation. It was my first experience with this and I never wanted to forget the details. The smell I’d come to know as Blake and the feel of his hand, secured at my nape. The way he explored me seeming to want to do the same. This is what this should have been.

  His breath caressed the soft spot behind my ear sending a fresh wave of tremors through me. He took me in just a heartbeat longer, rubbing his nose up the length of my ear, then said in a breathy whisper, “Sweet dreams, Angel.”

  He released me and, just like that, he was gone. After a few unblinking seconds, I hugged my core, found my legs, and forced them to take me inside. I couldn’t ignore the disappointment I felt, even though I knew I should be grateful he stopped.

  What’s wrong with you? This is what you wanted.

  Right?

  Up on the roof, I popped in the ear buds to my iPod. Sarah McLachlan had always been my medicine, and I needed the good stuff right now. I listened to her songs on repeat sometimes, and they dissolved the salt in my wounds. Tonight, it was only fitting I play the first song that drew me to her, contemplating the first guy who drew me to him.

  Possession.

  I sang alongside her into the night, my voice heard by no one. The words resonated with me so deeply, I would have sworn this woman knew me.

  I’d come to a realization tonight, after that almost kiss—I didn’t want this sleepless solitude anymore. This was no life. Constant fear and worry. Constant feelings of filth and betrayal. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to feel good.

  I wanted . . . Blake.

  No, you don’t.

  Yes. I do.

  I was talking to myself again. That was never a good thing.

  But I couldn’t do that to him. I was too screwed up to drag him into my mess. He wouldn’t understand, and I wouldn’t want him to. He was too good of a person. I didn’t deserve him, and he didn’t deserve me. He needed someone who could reciprocate everything he was looking to offer. It was time to push back a little. Make him forget about me.

  I wrapped my arms around myself and hung my head, feeling uncomfortable at the prospect of not having him in my life. He made me feel good. Made me forget.

  Why not me? Why do I never get to be happy?

  I was constantly running. I came here to find a standstill, and I was still going round and round. The problem was, I couldn’t escape myself; my demons were locked deep inside my soul. Persistent little fuckers. Would they ever go away? I could feel them in there. They were the ones whipping my nerve endings and causing the nausea. Keeping me barricaded from the rest of the world, sealed inside myself.

  Fucking assholes.

  “Leave me alone!” I screamed into the foggy night air. My words reverberated through the silence, becoming further and further away. My iPod chose that moment to begin Blackbird in Sarah McLachlan’s soothing tones. Ugh, why was every song on this playlist so appropriate?

  Fucking playlist.

  I drew my knees into my chest and began to sing. In hysterics, my fingernails gouged holes in the flesh on my shins. The words barely made it past my lips as salty tears invaded my mouth. Right here, I wanted to forget the person who did this to me, who made me this way.

  You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

  God help me. I couldn’t do this anymore. I just wanted to end it. That would be the only way to make it better. Free myself of the agony. Living this way just wasn’t worth it anymore. I might as well finish myself off all at once instead of shutting down one cell at a time.

  I ripped the portals of torment from my ears and threw them down in disgust. “Please, God. Give me a sign. Something. Anything. What am I supposed to do?” I shivered, a weeping lump of flesh.

  The silence around me was deafening. The only sound was the sporadic hitch of air that came from your chest after a good bout of hysterics.

  Breathe in. Breathe out. Hitch.

  Breathe in. Breathe out. Hitch. Hitch.

  Frantically wiping up and down my face, I dragged myself off the lounge chair. Going to the perimeter of the roof, I peered down, wondering what it would feel like to free fall to the bottom. Take hold of my fate and say fuck it. Break these chains and finally be free.

  I pulled myself up and over the cold cement rail and settled my back against it. Holding on, I stared down at the tiny cars as I inched up on my tippy toes and leaned forward. Maybe I could fly like a blackbird. Dragging my bottom lip between my teeth, I creeped further, teetering on the edge. My stomach lurched, and I swallowed hard.

  Pussy.

  Another breath and I pushed back, unable to go through with it. That prick wasn’t worth ending my life over. He’d already taken too much of me; I couldn’t allow him that as well.

  You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

  I spent the day gliding about the halls of the university. At least it was Friday, but making it through work tonight would be a challenge after the night I’d had.

  Sandra let me copy a bunch of her notes, God bless her heart. She didn’t say anything, just seemed to take notice of my zombie-like state. I wasn’t doing a very good job of covering it up today. She merely gave me a half smile and pushed her notebook in my direction. Praise quiet, intuitive girls. I was doing a terrible job of concealing things here; worse than I’d done back home where I’d had constant reminders. Go figure.

  Walking from my calculus class, my phone rang. I was so tired, I answered without looking at the caller I.D. “Hello.”

  “What the fuck, Evangelina!”

  Shit! I stopped walking and tensed at the tone of the familiar voice on the other end.

  “Did I not get the memo that we don’t talk anymore?” She sounded irate.

  “I’m sorry. You have no idea what I’ve been going through over here.”

  “You’re right,” she bit out. “I don’t have any idea because you have apparently cut your only sister out of your life.”

  Oh no. I didn’t want her to think that. This wasn’t her fault. “That isn’t true. Don’t act that way. I’m really sorry.”

  “You know, I’ve been trying really hard for a long time now, but you just keep pushing me further and further away. Did I do something to you that I don’t know about, because if I did, I’m sorry.” Sadness laced through her angry tone.

  “No, you didn’t do anything. I love you. I’m the one who should be apologizing. Please don’t feel that way. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

  “Make it up to me, huh?” The skepticism in her tone told me she didn’t believe me.

  “Yes, I promise.” I was desperate to take away the pain in her voice.

  Stale air buzzed as she contemplated my words. Like always, she made it easy on me. “Don’t worry about it,” she replied, her voice soft now. “I’ll see you soon enough. Just stop ignoring me.”

  I let my eyes close and sighed. “I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was ignoring you. I’ll be better, I promise.”

  “That’s more like it.” She let out a long sigh as well. “Now, tell me all about what’s been going on with you. How’s New York? How’re your classes? Your apartment? Any hot guys?”

  “Whoa, slow down.” I giggled, loving her spunk.

  “It’s not my fault. I wouldn’t have to cram them all in if I heard from you every now and then, little sissy.” More guilt.

  “My classes are okay. I’m still trying to figure it all out. I’m in love with my apartment. I just got a job last night, actually. Bartending so I can afford said apartment. You’ll have to come for a drink one night. You’d love it.”

  “And? Hot guys? Hello, I need details. You skipped the best part.” She jumped right back into our regular flow.
/>   “I don’t know. I haven’t been paying much attention.” I tried to steer clear of this topic.

  “My ass! There is too someone. I can hear it in your voice. Don’t lie to me, missy, or I’ll call Jace next.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Don’t you roll your eyes at me.”

  I frowned. “Hey, how do you know I’m rolling my eyes?”

  “I know everything.”

  Not everything.

  “There might be one guy.” I closed one eye and winced, preparing myself for the barrage of inquiries.

  “I knew it! Spill!” I heard the foam seeping from her lips.

  “Close your mouth.” The smile could be heard in my voice.

  We both laughed. God, I missed her.

  “Eva?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m waiting.” I could almost hear her tapping her foot on our mother’s kitchen tile.

  “Calm down, you piranha. There’s nothing to know. Just some cute guy who keeps conveniently showing up wherever I am. He’s really nice, but he’s just a friend.”

  “Why?” She sounded aggravated. “Come on, Eva. You do this every time. Why can’t you go out with him?” she whined.

  “Not you, too. Just drop it for now, okay? I don’t even know him.”

  “Bring him home winter break.”

  Um, no. “I’m not asking a stranger to come home with me for winter break. Be serious.”

  “Well, who knows? Maybe by then, he won’t be a stranger.” That time I did hear her eyebrows wiggle.

  “You sound like the devil right now. You know that?”

  “Mwahahahaha,” she attempted an evil laugh, then added, “Or however the devil sounds.”

  I laughed, but the thought of going home made my armpits sweat. I hadn’t contemplated the going back part when I left only a few short weeks ago.

  “I’ll follow up with this topic in a couple of weeks, and I expect a full report. You better tell me if anything happens in the meantime, or we won’t be sisters anymore. I’ll cut you off for good.” She covered the receiver, and I heard her muffled voice say, “I’m coming. I’m just talking to Eva.” Full volume resumed as she removed her hand from the mouthpiece and a low voice drawled, “Tell her I can’t wait to see her.”

  “Damon says he—”

  “I heard what he said,” My knuckles turned white as I fisted the phone.

  “Well, we’re headed out to the mall. I love how he pampers me. Time to burn some of his plastic. Love you, sissy. Call me.”

  I muttered a weak, “Love you, too,” but she didn’t notice. What else was new?

  I arrived at work half an hour before my shift, mind-fuckingly exhausted. This would be rough. Thank you, Blake. Like I didn’t have enough of these nights to begin with. Fortunately for me, I was used to functioning on little-to-no sleep. The quadruple espresso from Starbucks had better kick in soon.

  I cut up all the fruit and filled the ice in the beer buckets that lined the inside of the bar. Going around to the other side, I removed all the stools from the top of the bar and then wiped it down until it shined like the Emerald City. Pleased with myself, I turned and began to count the opening cash in the register.

  “You’re a pro,” Rick’s voice came from behind me.

  “That’s me.” I smiled over my shoulder.

  He sauntered behind the bar. “You should have a good night. Friday’s our best crowd. Just holler if it gets to be too much, and I’ll call in reinforcements. Jasmine is on with us. You’ll like her.”

  “Don’t worry. I’m good.” I flashed him my award-winning smile, affirming that ‘I got this’.

  We fell into the same comfortable rhythm as the night before. He bobbed and I weaved. We sang and danced, tossing bottles back and forth. He wasn’t kidding. The crowd was dense and rambunctious. It was nothing I couldn’t handle, though. I liked crowds. I was used to crowds. Bad things didn’t happen with a lot of people around. They happened when you were alone.

  “Hey, sweetheart. I have a tip for you,” came an intoxicated slur.

  I looked from some drunk douchebag’s glassy smirk to the dollar bill resting beneath his tapping fingers. Gee, thanks.

  He started to slide it toward me, his drooling sneer making me nauseous. When I went to grab it, he mistakenly shoved it in my direction a little too rough. It flitted past me, cascading to the floor. Asshole just wanted to get me to bend over.

  I dazzled him with a smile, not taking the bait, and said, “Thank you so much,” and bent awkwardly, trying at all costs to avoid giving him a show.

  Ugh, where did that friggin’ thing go?

  “Excuse me, miss. I’d like a drink please. I’m mighty thirsty again,” a low, sexy baritone called out from above me.

  I bolted upright, banging my head on the side rail. “Ow!” Wincing, I rubbed the top of my head.

  “I’m sorry.” Blake leaped forward, concern etched in his face. “Let me see.” He took my head in his hands and moved it back and forth, the way you would examine a child’s wounds, then he let out a relieved sigh. “I think you’ll live.” Still holding my face, he tipped my head forward and kissed the boo-boo on top. “There. All better.”

  Or worse. Now I’m on fire.

  His hair was wet from a recent shower and falling free, framing his perfect features. His nose still had a shine at the tip, and he was wearing the fitted black T-shirt that did unruly things to my insides. The smell of his soap mixed with his cologne floated toward me and my eyes flitted closed for a fraction of a second, taking in the combination.

  This should be fun.

  “So, what can I get for you before you give me a concussion?” I asked, still rubbing the sore spot.

  A coy grin spread across his face, and he drawled, “I’d love a slippery nipple, please.”

  “A s-slippery nipple?” I stutter now? I bit down on my bottom lip, hard.

  His grin got even broader. “Yes, extra wet. I just love a wet, slippery nipple. My mouth waters just thinking about it.” Blake let out a noticeable shiver. “Oh, and a cherry on top. Please.” He licked his lips, and my eyes instinctively followed his tongue.

  God help me.

  I exhaled the breath caught in my throat. “One extra wet slippery nipple coming right up.”

  With shaky hands, I managed to keep the two different liquids separate in the shot glass. I deserved props. I topped it off with a cherry, knowing I’d probably regret it. I should have just said we didn’t have any.

  I placed the horny glass in front of him. Staring at me, he extended his index finger, and lightly traced circles around the rim. I swallowed deep, my eyes trained on that finger. And those hands. Even they were gorgeous. I had a thing for hands. Weird, yes, but a thing nevertheless. Blake’s were strong, his nails well kept. Tight, tanned, skin-covered, thick veins.

  Yum.

  Now I was picturing what they would look like gliding over my ivory colored skin.

  Awesome.

  “Thank you,” Blake said, his eyes sparkling with mischief.

  “You’re welcome. I hope I did it to your liking.”

  “Oh, you did it just right.” He winked.

  I knew I should get back to work, but apparently my feet were cemented to the floor.

  Carefully, he picked up the cherry by the stem, twirled it around, and placed the tantalizing fruit between his teeth, eyes still glittering into mine. He did a short tug, freeing it into his mouth. I gasped. I wasn’t sure which would taste better, but I’d bet the combination was mouthwatering.

  Swirling the ball of fruit over his taste buds, he closed his eyes and groaned out a noise equivalent to an orgasm. Moisture pooled between my legs, and I found myself gripping the edge of the bar for support. That was the most erotic noise I’d ever heard, and I wondered what it would feel like to drown it out with my mouth.

  When Blake opened his eyes, they were electric. His gaze flitted to the lip I had clasped between my teeth, and the corner of his
mouth tilted up. In one drawn-out motion, he opened his mouth and slid out his tongue, still red with the juice of the cherry he’d just fucked, and placed the stem on its tip. He curled his tongue around it and pulled it inside.

  I watched him assault that stem, doing god only knows what. Rolling, flicking, sucking. Each movement feeling like it was me gyrating around his tongue. I was one flick away from going into convulsions.

  Moist lips parted as he pinched the end of the stem and revealed a perfectly tied knot. Twirling his victory between his fingers, those damn sexy fingers, he said, “You know what they say about a person who can tie a cherry stem in a knot in their mouth . . .”

  Yeah, I knew what they said about that. I also knew I was turning into putty. My breathing was so erratic, I wondered if my brain was getting any oxygen at all.

  He raised his glass to me and tipped his head back, gulping down the sweet liquid in one long swig. I watched his Adam’s apple ride his throat, and I ached to follow it with my tongue.

  Blake licked the full circle of his lips and breathed out, “Now, that was one hell of a slippery nipple.”

  And that’s when I fell on the floor.

  Literally.

  I scrambled around, trying to find something, anything I could have been down here for.

  The dollar! Yes!

  Jumping to my feet, I waved the bill around like I’d found treasure. At least I was discreet about it.

  My subconscious rolled her eyes at me. I don’t even know who you ARE anymore.

  Blake lifted his chin and settled back in his chair with an exaggerated casualness.

  Smug bastard.

  I wanted to slap him, or kiss him, or slap him.

  Ugh!

  “You okay, Angel?” he asked through an arrogant chuckle.

  “Couldn’t be better. Why?” That’s it, play it cool.

  “Because you just dive-bombed that rubber padding on the floor, you haven’t blinked for about five minutes, and um . . .” He pointed to my head.