Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  “What?” I spun around to look in the mirror behind the bottles, becoming instantly mortified. My hair was thrown upside down, coming over the top and then falling over the sides of my head, making me look more Afghan Hound and less beauty queen. I scrambled to put myself back together in every sense imaginable.

  “A little help here, Eva.” Rick’s voice threw me back into reality. He didn’t look happy.

  “Coming! Sorry.” I put the last strand in place and turned my attention back to Blake. Leaning over the bar, I hissed, “You’re going to get me fired.”

  Unaffected, Blake leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his head. His shirt rode up, revealing a sliver of bronze, toned skin with indents placed perfectly adjacent to his hipbones and, God forgive me, I loved that inch more than I should. I swallowed the puddle of saliva in my mouth with a long, hard gulp.

  He shrugged, “Why? This is a bar and I’m a paying customer. All I did was order a drink.”

  I wanted to kick him off that stool. I narrowed my eyes at him. “You know exactly what you did with that porn show in your mouth.”

  Blake leaned forward, sending his hair to the edges of those gorgeous eyes. The tips of his fingers covered my own, electrocuting me. His voice was husky. “Did you enjoy what you saw?” Arching one perfect eyebrow, he continued, “There could easily be an instant replay.” Reaching out, he traced my lips with his index finger, and it tasted like the wet nipple and the cherry and him and . . .

  Oh god.

  My mouth opened and closed like a fish, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes behind my head. Trying to regain some dignity, I straightened my back, clamped my fish-mouth shut and turned my attention to the parched, yelling crowd.

  Blake’s deep, hearty laugh bellowed from behind me.

  I was glad he found it amusing.

  For the next hour I found a way to block him out and took my game up a notch. I satisfied every customer, making them all feel loved, and redeemed myself with Rick. Jasmine was cool. She didn’t talk much. Just did her thing and tended to the customers.

  I turned as Jace, Jessie, and Sandra bounced through the door. Jace, ever the eccentric, was wearing blue sunglasses, his hair perfectly coiffed. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus. I was being rescued. Thankfully, we all had kickass fake IDs, and Rick was cool people, so we’d all be able to enjoy ourselves. He didn’t care if I drank as long as I kept it clean, thinking it’d help business for me to accept shots and be social. I was happy to take the edge off.

  “What up, girlie?” Jace hopped over to the bar and propped himself up, leaning all the way over to give me a kiss. “We came to see your new digs.”

  He pulled his glasses down his nose and looked around. “Not bad.” His eyes caught hold of Rick. “Well hell-O there.” He took a step in his direction.

  “Jace,” I warned. “Don’t even think about it. That’s my boss.”

  “Well, maybe I can put in a good word for you.” He wiggled his eyebrows and tried to veer off in that direction again.

  “Jace, I’m serious. No!”

  “Oh, fine.” He pouted perfectly plump lips. “You’re such a grandma Mary. Why do you hate me?”

  “You’re so dramatic. Go find a different piece of meat. There’s plenty to choose from.” I waved him off, dismissing him into the crowd.

  He stomped off in a huff, which only lasted a few feet before I heard, “Heyyy . . .” And he made a sharp left turn, honing in on a group of tasty men.

  I shook my head, grabbing a bottle of Jameson.

  Sandra looked over at me, eyes bright and hopeful. I knew how long it’d been since she’d been on a date. “I, uh, think I’ll go stick by him.”

  “That’s probably a good idea.” I laughed.

  “Hey, Ri—“ The sight of a goo-goo eyed Jessie, kneeling on a stool, and talking to Rick, interrupted my thoughts. My mouth hung open as I watched him stare back at her with a similar expression.

  Jasmine nudged me. “Grab the tequila for me, would ya?” When I didn’t respond, she followed my line of sight. “Didn’t know they were sweet on each other, huh? He’d never admit it, though.”

  I shook my head. “Guess not. But they’re a good match.”

  “Probably not gonna happen. I’ve never seen Rick tied down.” She reached over me and grabbed the liquor before walking off.

  “Ahem,” Blake cleared his throat. He was on his fifth nipple, but I hadn’t stuck around to witness any more of them.

  “Ready for another?” I glanced over.

  His lip curled. “I don’t want to spoil myself with too many nipples at once. I’ll take a Blue Moon this time.”

  He was a blue moon.

  “Sure thing.”

  As I set his glass down on the bar, a familiar voice overtook the speakers coming from the cover band. I turned so fast, the air whooshed around me.

  No. He. Was. Not.

  Jace was behind the mic as Kryptonite by Three Doors Down blared. Our eyes locked and with one finger, he summoned me over. This was our song.

  Oh, he was not doing this to me right now!

  Rick looked back and forth between Jace and me. Eyes twinkling with excitement, he shoved me out from behind the bar. I straightened my legs and pushed back, trying to gain traction, but it was no use. I stumbled next to Jace, who was proudly belting lyrics like a rock star, and he grabbed me by the waist, pulling me close so we could both sing into the microphone.

  I started out weak at first, mortified, but then the familiar rush took over. We rocked out together, the way we always did. That song summed up our friendship, and we sang it proudly.

  The crowd turned wild as we finished off the last note. Blake had vacated his post, and I spotted him leaning against the entryway, his expression a mixture of awe and turned on.

  My body got knocked about as the screaming crowd bombarded us with hugs, but my eyes stayed locked on my sexy new admirer. At this point, I wasn’t quite sure I could walk away from him unscathed.

  In my preoccupied state, I’d almost missed Jace’s announcement. “You guys didn’t know your gorgeous new bartender could sing, did you? Would you like to hear her do another?”

  The crowd roared to a deafening decibel, banging on any flat surface they could find while cat-calling and whistling through their fingers.

  “Uh-uh.” I waved my hands back and forth, shaking my head. “No way.”

  Jace grabbed me by the belt and tugged back forcefully as I tried to make my getaway. “Come on, guys, we aren’t letting her get away that easy, are we?”

  I thought they couldn’t get any louder, but they did. Rick was laughing hysterically behind the bar, starting a hateful chant, “Eva, Eva, Eva.” Within seconds, the entire place was shouting my name.

  Note to self—make him pay for that.

  I looked at Jace and mouthed, “I’m gonna kill you.”

  Jace smiled and kissed the air in my direction.

  With only a few seconds to make a song choice, the perfect one popped into my head. Turning to the band to ask if they knew it, I was pleased when the beginning notes to Demi Lovato’s Heart Attack sprung from the P.A.

  Would Blake know I was singing it to him? Would he understand what was happening to me? That he wasn’t just anybody?

  Yes, he would.

  As soon as the opening lyrics passed my lips, claiming my defenses were up and I didn’t want to fall in love, Blake pushed off the wall and stood at attention. He’d gotten the message all right, loud and clear. I continued to sing, knowing full well he’d get the meaning and know he made me actually want to be with him, but that I was too nervous to go through with it. So many emotions changed those beautiful features as I witnessed his internal roller coaster.

  Our gazes locked and, at the start of the first chorus, he prowled toward me like a hungry lion claiming his territory. His focus trained on me as he meandered through the crowd, authoritative and powerful, his eye on the prize.

  I kept singing my hear
t out to him, arms banging on my chest and being thrown about. I hit the last high part, right before the ending chorus. By that point I was so lost in pouring out my soul, the crowded bar might as well have been empty.

  By the last chorus, Blake was standing directly in front of me, fists clenched at his sides. His eyes were wild as he worked his jaw. The last note echoed off the walls, and I stared at him, my chest heaving with the exertion of that song.

  His quizzical eyes desperately searched mine for an answer as I stepped around the mic stand. “Angel?”

  “Yes?” My scratchy throat made my voice sound hoarse.

  “Just so we’re clear, you were singing that to me, right?” He was so close, but made sure not to touch me. He looked hopeful and scared at the same time.

  My chest constricted. I murmured, “Yes.” I couldn’t look away. He needed to know.

  Blake took a sharp intake of breath and straightened his body. Squaring his jaw, his eyes turned determined yet silently pleading. “Be with me.” It wasn’t a question.

  I stood silent for a moment, trying to work through this internal tug-of-war. Not only was all of this happening so fast, and so foreign to me, but I couldn’t let him get too close, no matter how badly I wanted to. “I can’t.”

  “Why not? If you feel the same way, I need to know why not.” His pointed glare commanded an explanation.

  “I just can’t, I—” I closed my eyes.

  “Don’t do this.” I couldn’t tell if it was a plea or a threat. Or both.

  I didn’t respond.

  “Angel?”

  Was I really going to do this to him? My first shot at something real?

  Yes, I was.

  Eyes still downcast, I delivered my famous line, “I have a boyfriend.” Then I forced myself to look up. Though I’d recited it countless times, this was the first time I felt the lonely, empty desperateness it encompassed.

  Blake flinched, disappointment flickering across his face before his jaw clamped shut. I watched a wall go up as his eyes iced over. He gave me a few more seconds to change my mind, staring at me mercilessly. When I didn’t respond, he hardened his resolve further. “Fine. Have it your way then.” He turned on his heel and walked out without even a backward glance.

  A hairline fracture made its way down the center of my heart.

  My soul ran after him, kicking and screaming, and then turned back to glower at me. I instantly turned arctic. I couldn’t feel my limbs and nothing was responding. Though I could feel each knock of my pulse at each pressure point, I felt dead inside.

  How did we get here? I wanted to run after him and stop him. Take it all back and tell him I was sorry . . .

  But I couldn’t.

  Self-preservation prevailed and no matter how badly it stung, the possibility of anyone finding out was worse. I instantly regretted singing that song. For giving him hope I would act on my obvious feelings and then ripping the rug out from under him.

  Jace rushed to my side with a huge smile on his face, talking through his teeth so no one would know what he was saying. “I don’t know what the fuck that was all about, but not now, okay? Look at my face.”

  I looked up, being held together by old, brittle threads that were ready to snap at any moment. I felt myself crawling backward into my hidey hole and he knew it.

  “Look in my eyes, Eva. My eyes.”

  I did as I was told, but my focus was still far away.

  What have I done?

  “Not now, baby girl. This is your first night, and you have a new boss to impress. Time and place, sugar. You’ll be fine. We’ll deal with this after hours. Okay, love?”

  He was met by my blank expression.

  “The words, Eva. Come on.” Jace pinched my side hard, and it worked.

  “Ouch!”

  “There you are.” He stepped behind me and pushed me toward the bar, while whispering in my ear, “Pull yourself together, you hear me? Excuse yourself to the bathroom, do a few shots or whatever you have to do, but do not let anyone see you like this.”

  His words finally sank in. What was I doing? I brushed him off and turned my neck side-to-side. Giving my hands a little shake, I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I could do this. I would do this.

  My body did as it was told the rest of the night. My face smiled and flirted, and my limbs rushed around making countless drinks. Rick was none-the-wiser, and I ended the shift with a wad of cash and a pocket full of phone numbers from people claiming to be in love with me.

  Jessie stayed to close up with Rick, and Sandra left with a new love interest. Jace, of course, waited to escort me home.

  When I walked out the door, I instinctively looked around, hoping Blake would be waiting.

  He wasn’t.

  My heart sank to my feet, and I trampled over it.

  “Why are you doing this to yourself?” Jace’s voice snapped me back to reality.

  I looked at him through wet, blurred vision. “You know why.”

  “But you want this—bad. What’re you doing? You obviously can’t be his friend, so you either have to go through with it or walk away from him. He seems crazy about you. It’s not right to lead him on.”

  I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “I’m not trying to lead him on,” I said a little too forcefully. “I’m confused, all right? He rattles my brain, and it’s not too stable to begin with.”

  “Look, I know this is hard on you. I told you it wasn’t going to be easy. Maybe you should just go for it, love. Take the plunge.”

  “Come on, Jace. You know better than anyone that I can’t.” I sniffled, searching my bag unsuccessfully for a tissue.

  “Just put the both of you out of your misery already. And me too while you’re at it. It’s fucking painful to watch. Can’t you tell how much he likes you? He’s the real deal, Eva. I know you can see it.” He grabbed my face so I couldn’t avoid his eyes. “Come on, mama. Let yourself have this. Free yourself. You deserve to be happy.”

  I shook my head free and gritted my teeth. “No. He deserves to be happy and I have nothing to give him, Jace.”

  He didn’t fight me. “Go grab your things and meet me in my apartment.”

  “No, I just want to be alone.”

  Jace flinched as if I’d just slapped him. I’d never said that to him before. “So now you’re going to push me away, too? What’s happening to you, Eva?”

  I seemed to be hurting everyone tonight. I placed my hand over his, trying to reassure him. “Please, Jace. Don’t push. Just go and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  He hesitated a moment, evaluating me. “Fine. If you need me, you know where to find me. Love.”

  “Love.” I turned and trudged into my chamber.

  In my bathroom, I scrubbed my face vigorously as if the soap could wash away the emotion from it as well. Bracing myself on the edge of the sink, I looked into the mirror appraisingly. Freckles dusted a red, runny nose, and my eyes were leaky and bloodshot. My mouth was set in a scowl and I wondered if it would wind up there permanently. I looked broken down. Correction, I was broken down. This was the bare bones of me.

  Reluctantly, I dragged myself into the living room and picked up my cell phone. I owed Blake an apology. My eyes glassed over when I scrolled, looking for his name and noticed how he’d programmed himself into the phone.

  BFF.

  I choked past a sob and sent the quick text.

  Me: I’m sorry.

  It was all I sent. I couldn’t say any more. In a daze, I stared at my phone for an undeterminable amount of time, squeezing it as I waited for a response, but nothing came. With a thickness in my throat, I tossed it aside and stepped out to the balcony, clutching my journal to the stabbing ache in my chest.

  This was a whole new kind of pain. It made my guts hurt. My soul ached. I’d survived a lot in my short life, but I wasn’t sure I would make it through this one. This one really drove home all that I’d sacrificed and had to live without. All that was
taken from me. What girl doesn’t dream of a prince? Her knight in shining armor.

  First love.

  Real love.

  I think he could have been a real love. Something in me was sure of it.

  I peeled my journal from my dismembered rib cage and rested it on my lap, caressing the top of it before I creaked it open. This book was me. Bound up and battered, with its pieces falling apart and eaten away, holding all of my emotion and secrets in its heart.

  I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let the visions that scudded across the inside of my eyelids move my pen.

  Nails on a chalkboard

  Needles pricking flesh

  My heart an open wound

  The sores oozing and fresh

  The pain is unbearable

  But it is mine and I am its

  I’ve been living this so long

  I’ve been smashed and torn to bits

  I’m dying a slow death

  Body parts frayed and chewed away

  Demons come and find me

  And claim me as their prey

  You’re my hope when I have none

  A gleam of light inside my grave

  Oxygen when I feel I’m drowning

  Rescuing me on a gentle wave

  I want to curl up within your being

  Breathe your air and feel you move

  Be the liquid in your veins

  So I could fit into your every groove

  I’ll keep this secret guarded

  The pain’s too bad, I will not share

  You push and pull at my emotions

  But your life I have to spare

  So I’ll sit inside my dungeon

  My shell, my walking corpse

  Locked away, a living nightmare

  As it twists and turns and morphs

  In time you’ll understand

  This is a horror made for one

  I won’t drag you into darkness

  Your sun cannot out run.

  A teardrop hit the page, smudging my heartbreak, and I watched the words splay out in the tiny pool, the letters blending and smearing into one another. I allowed the tears to take over and mourned the death of what might have been. What would never be.