“Well, why didn’t you say so?”
“I did say so.”
Blake chuckled and stepped in front of me, causing me to stop short. He squatted a bit and looked back over his shoulder. “Hop on.”
“What?” I looked at him confused.
“Hop on. I’ll carry your lazy ass.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I veered to the side to walk around him, but he side-stepped in front of me once again, and I walked straight into his back.
“What’re you doing?” I put my hands on my hips and waited impatiently for him to move.
He didn’t blink. “I don’t think I stuttered.”
“I’m not getting on your back like a five-year-old.”
“Oh, I think you are,” he replied. Cocky son-of-a-bitch.
I tried to move to the side, but again and again he blocked my path. “I can do this all night, Angel.”
I sighed as he bent down to my height and reached his hands over his shoulders. “Gimme your hands.”
I blew out a breath of defeat and slid my hands over his. He tugged them around his neck and straightened, draping me down his back as he began to walk us to the subway. Giving up completely—and already getting used to the warmth of his back against me—I wrapped my legs around him. He scooped his hands under my thighs and we walked to the train, piggyback style. I let my chin rest on his shoulder and tried to evaluate what was happening now that I was in the fresh air and able to clear my head a little.
What was I going to do once we got to my apartment? Could I go through with this? Was I going to back out again like a scared little girl? I wanted him so bad. And I wanted to be a woman in control of my own body. I just hoped the damage that was done to me wasn’t irreversible.
Eventually, I decided I wasn’t going to think about it. I was going to let whatever happened happen. Regardless of the outcome, I was grateful for Blake. For his relentlessness and for him caring enough to finally bring me out of my shell. Tightening my grip around his shoulders, I kissed the back of his neck and lay my head there.
He let out a gasp and his body trembled before hitching me up higher. Together, we clung to each other, showing just how scared each of us was of losing the other.
“What time is it?” I kept my legs wrapped tightly around Blake’s waist as he lifted his arm to check his watch.
“Twelve-thirty. We didn’t last very long, did we?”
“No, but that’s okay. I like this better.” I placed my chin on Blake’s shoulder and rested the side of my head against his, content. “You did good.” A big smile spread across my face as I recalled the look on Blake’s face when he realized where we’d taken him.
“I still can’t believe you guys did that to me.” Blake peeked over his shoulder. He raised his eyebrows, and I bit back a smile. “It wasn’t so bad, though. They were all kind of cool.”
“Yeah, they’re good people. Jace’ll be happy. You passed his little test.”
“Did I now?” He looked forward and smirked, all happy with himself.
“Yes, you did. With flying colors, my friend.”
He shook his head. “I knew the little fucker had something up his sleeve.”
“He always does.” I laughed.
When we reached the subway entrance, I hopped down, a bit reluctantly. I’d enjoyed that more than I’d thought I would. “Thanks for the lift.”
“Anytime.” He winked.
Blake laced his fingers with mine and together we entered the subway, coming one step closer to being behind closed doors. As the blinding white lights approached, my heart rate kicked into high gear.We entered the car and sat down beside one another in silence, listening to the sound of the jangling car. My head rested on his shoulder as he traced circular patterns on top of my thigh.
At the sound of our stop, Blake stood and guided me from the train. We walked a few feet and through the turnstiles when he stopped out of nowhere, his sweaty palm tightening around mine.
Rubbing his free hand over the side of his face, he forced out, “Listen, Angel, I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I know things got heavy back there, but if you’re not ready . . . my feelings for you won’t change. Got me?”
“I know. I wouldn’t.” I fidgeted from foot to foot, still unsure of how this would unfold.
“Good.” He lightly brushed his thumb over the top of my hand in a soothing manner.
Seeming content with my answer, he relaxed and tugged me alongside him once again. We ascended the stairs, and the cool October breeze hit us. Blake shrugged out of his blazer and slipped my arms into it before he tucked me into his side, sheltering my partially unclothed form from the bite in the air.
I wrapped my arms around him, grateful for his warmth. I could feel the hard muscles of his abdomen through his thin shirt. It was a mystery to me how someone could be so hard and so soft at the same time.
As much as I was attracted to him, the cool air and dissipation of alcohol from my system had me second guessing my earlier reasoning for leaving with him. I didn’t think I was ready for this.
When we reached my door, I fumbled with my keys, my hands trembling. Blake watched my failed attempts to get the key in the lock and delicately lifted them from me. “Here, let me.”
I didn’t say anything. I just looked at him, the uncertainty of what I was about to do swimming through my mind.
The door popped open, and Blake stretched out his hand. “After you.”
With trepidation, I stepped over the threshold, rubbing my shaky, sweaty palms over my hips. I walked to the middle of the room and stood there in his blazer; the sleeves hung below my hands, the bottom hem falling below my shorts. I should probably have taken it off, but I didn’t want to. I was enjoying the way his scent was wearing off onto my skin, imbedding itself in my hair.
Blake stepped forward, his eyes soft and reassuring. “It’s just me, Angel. Relax.”
“I know,” I whispered, fiddling with the oversized sleeves.
We stood about five feet apart. A long awkward silence passed, neither of us brave enough to break the barrier. Something I needed to confess was knocking around in my head, fighting to make its way out. Finally, I figured it was better out in the open and decided now was as good a time as any.
I gulped and cleared my throat. “I have to tell you something. Something no one knows besides Jace. Not even the girls.” My voice was shaky as I continued to mangle the sleeves.
Blake’s stance sharpened. I’d never opened up to him before and I could see the eagerness in his eyes to know what I was about to share. “Okay. I told you, you can tell me anything.”
I inhaled a deep breath and dropped my hands that now tingled from loss of circulation. “I . . . I don’t have a boyfriend. I never did.”
I chanced a look up at him, expecting to see shock, but instead, he looked embarrassed as he averted his gaze from mine and shuffled his feet back and forth. “Yeah, I um . . . kinda knew that.”
I stared at him openmouthed. “Wait. You knew? But how? H-How’d you know?”
He puffed out his cheeks and expelled a big breath of air. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he rocked back on his heels. “Promise not to get mad?”
I wasn’t about to agree to that. I cocked an eyebrow and placed my hands on my hips, waiting for him to proceed.
“Remember that weekend after we first met when I wanted to hang out with you, but you told me you were going to see your boyfriend on Saturday? It was right after the night in the bar when you sang that song, and we got into the fight—”
“Yeah, I remember. What about it?”
“Well, I came here that Saturday.” When I didn’t react, he continued. “After you sang that song, I knew you wanted me too, and I needed to talk to you about it. I got here as you were coming back from a jog, so I figured you were just getting cleaned up and ready to leave, but you never came back out.” He paused for a moment, taking in the realization sweeping over my face. A sm
all blush crept over his cheeks. “The next day when I showed up here, I asked how it went as a test. I wanted to see if you’d tell me the truth, but you lied and said you’d gone. At that point, I pretty much knew there was no boyfriend. I just didn’t know why you were lying.”
“You were spying on me?” I clutched the jacket, bringing it tighter around myself as a shield.
“I swear it was innocent and I wasn’t spying. I was just desperate to show you he wasn’t worthy and convince you you’d be better off with me. I didn’t expect it wasn’t true, and I never planned to hide it from you. Please, don’t be mad.” He was cringing, waiting for my outburst.
“Blake, it’s been over a month!” I shouted, mortified he’d made a fool out of me. “Why didn’t you tell me when you came here the next day? And why did you keep acting like you didn’t know?” My voice was escalating and my scalp felt prickly and hot. Trust was a huge issue after everything I’d been through. I never thought he would mislead me in any way and it was like he just slipped a big, ugly feeling under my skin.
He raked a hand through his hair and began to pace. “I wanted to tell you, but I never found the right time. I didn’t want you to get mad or weirded out and stop talking to me. I have a hard enough time with you as it is. So I figured I’d wait until you opened up and told me. You obviously weren’t ready for me to know, and I didn’t want to push you. I don’t want you to feel pressured, and there must’ve been a reason you went to such lengths to keep it from me.” He stopped pacing and placed his arm against the large picture window.
I looked away and contemplated his words. What he said made sense and I had been the dishonest one here. I understood why he did it, and I shouldn’t hold it against him. If this was going to work, there’d have to be a give and take. I took a deep breath and continued through my admission, “I’ve never been on a real date, either.”
I looked back to Blake and this time got the reaction I was expecting. He dropped his arm and turned to face me, his eyebrows pulled together in the center, and he scrubbed the side of his jaw. “I’m sorry, did you just say you’ve never been on a date?”
“Yes.”
He blinked in shock. “You, Evangelina, the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, have never been on a date?”
I straightened my spine. “Yes.”
“You’re gonna have to help me out with this one because I’m not following.”
I swallowed down the pain, the irregularity of my past, and the fact it always came back to haunt me. “Let’s just say, there’s a lot about me you don’t know. Stuff I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about yet. I want to give you the chance to know me a little better. I promise, I do. Just . . . one step at a time.”
“I know. I believe you.” He took a tentative step toward me. That one truth told him more than the few vague words I actually spoke, and I could tell it struck a nerve.
I went back to strangling the sleeve of his jacket as I watched his advance. My body quaked from the inside, nervousness and want warring within me. I felt light on my feet as he stood before me, looking down, flexing his jaw repeatedly. His hands were balled into tight fists at his sides but his eyes were different this time.
Knowing.
Understanding.
A flitter of nerves passed through my stomach, wondering if he was going to press the issue, looking for answers. He seemed to gauge the panic in my eyes, and his tension eased a bit. “So do I get to take you on your first date?” His mouth pulled at the corner.
I relaxed a little. “Maybe. If you’re a good boy.”
“Tsk, tsk. Come now. I’m always a good boy.”
“That’s true.” I slanted my head and pretended to study him. “But I just don’t know if you’re my type.”
His mouth dropped, and he stared at me wide-eyed.
“I’m kidding, don’t go getting all skittish on me.” I laughed, nudging his shoulder.
As he swayed back, he grabbed my wrist, staring into my eyes with warmth and want. “Do you have any idea how sexy you look right now in my jacket?”
“Sexy? I look homeless.” I laughed.
“Oh man, you have no clue.” He took one more step and closed the small gap that remained between us. And as much as I was scared, I was also calm. This was unknown territory, but I was in it with Blake. Nervous and scared but not for negative reasons. For typical, never-done-this-before reasons. The butterflies fluttered and I clenched my belly, willing them away.
Blake inched forward with caution. “I’m going to try something, okay? Just don’t move.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. My tongue flicked out to wet my lips, and he let out a soft groan. It was his undoing.
His hands traveled up the lapel of the blazer, and he curled his fingers around it at my collarbone. Giving a slight tug, he pulled me to him so our bodies were flush against one another.
My breathing caught in my throat, and I could feel his heart hammering against his chest. I wondered if he could hear mine, the thrumming was so loud in my ears. His breathing was labored, but his eyes were determined as he very slowly lowered his face to mine. He stopped when our noses touched, and stared into my eyes. I knew he was giving me one last chance to back out, but I couldn’t. Though my heart was flying, a sense of tranquility and security washed over me. I wanted this.
No—I needed this.
His hands trembled in the fabric of the jacket, and I knew it was taking everything in him to restrain himself. Unable to withstand the pressure anymore, I pushed up on my tippy toes, quickly breaking the tension surrounding us, and locked my lips with his.
We stared at each other, taking in the fact this was really happening, and then our bodies instinctively took over. He closed his eyes and drew my bottom lip into his mouth as I clasped his upper lip between my own, my tongue gliding across it. I let out a soft groan as his taste flooded my senses. He paused briefly, never breaking contact, and I felt his smile widen beneath my lips.
This. Was. Happening.
His kiss was slow and cautious at first. He kept me firmly pinned to him by his jacket as he tilted his head and parted my lips. Allowing him in, our tongues danced in my mouth, circling and sliding as we tasted one another for the first time.
We explored each other gently, our tongues flicking and caressing. He dipped in and out of my mouth, following each with a kiss. It was so soft and sensual I found myself building, needing more. Desire coiled, bubbling up inside me, consuming me until I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore.
A rush swept through me and I plunged my fingers deep into his hair, deepening the kiss. I wanted to pull him inside, make him a real piece of me. This first was stolen from me, but here and now, this was my true first kiss. That thought gripped my insides and spiraled in my belly.
My back bowed as I kissed him with a fervor I didn’t know I possessed. He growled into my mouth, released the lapels, and wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me tighter to him as he fisted the jacket behind me. We clung to each other like a lifeline, neither one of us willing to let go.
Sliding his hands up my back, he buried his fingers in my hair and broke the kiss as he pressed his forehead against mine. Our chests heaved as he stared at me once again and placed a small peck to my swollen mouth.
“Wow.”
“Yeah,” I breathed.
“You have no idea how much of a struggle it’s been for me to not do that all this time.” He rolled his forehead over my own. “I could die now and I’d die a happy man.”
A little laugh escaped my lips. I never imagined it could be like this. That feelings could run so deep, like your survival was dependent on that other piece of your soul. The piece you were born without and could only hope to find so you could finally feel whole.
He kissed me again, soft, light pecks as he tilted his head back and forth, getting me from every angle. “Incredible.” He sighed and released my hair. “You really do taste like a peach.”
He took my
hand in his and walked me over to the couch, pulling me on top of him.
I placed my hands on his chest and noticed they were trembling. Embarrassed, I withdrew and clasped them in my lap.
Blake eyed them, his mouth draped at the corners. “You okay? That was okay, right? You’re not uncomfortable are you?”
“No, I’m perfect. That was perfect. Really. These are good shakes,” I promised. “At least I think they are.” I knotted my fingers tighter, forcing them deeper into my lap. “I think my hands are just shaking because they want to touch you.”
His body relaxed, and he grabbed my hands and placed them back on his chest. “Well then, by all means, touch away.”
His eyes darkened as he massaged his fingers into my hair and brought my lips down to his once again. His tongue swept through my mouth, learning every curve and then dragged along the roof on its retreat before placing a gentle kiss to my lips. “I could kiss these lips forever.” He placed his hands on the sides of my face, and clamped my lower lip between his teeth, giving a small tug that shot straight down between my legs.
My head was spinning. I didn’t know how far this was going to go or how much I should tell him. I knew he deserved the truth. He should know what he was getting himself into. Who he was falling for. It was only right.
But if I told him, I’d be taking a chance he’d run away from me. My stomach knotted as I pictured my life without him. I didn’t know if I was capable of going back to that anymore. That thought made me realize just how far this had come. How close we’d become. My heart began to race and I felt sweat bead on the surface of my skin.
“I just need a second.”
He dropped his hands and nodded. I unwrapped my legs from his lap and shut myself in the bathroom, slamming my back against the door. “You can do this,” I whispered to myself, closing my eyes. I repeated those words over and over again like a mantra, banging my head against the door, trying to convince myself. Moving to the sink, I ground my palms to the porcelain and leaned forward, looking myself square in the eyes.
Live Me Page 19
