We inched forward in the bumper-to-bumper mess, breathing in exhaust from the car ahead of us.
“What about Kamran?” I asked. “Will she leave him, too?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I hope not.”
“Me too,” I said, thinking of Kamran nestled at Mama’s breast, twisting her blond hair in his small brown hand as he nursed.
“So, tomorrow how about we drive out to the desert?” Daddy asked. “Would you like that? Or maybe we could go to the wild animal park in San Diego.”
“Let’s do that!” I’d read about the wild animal park, where the animals roamed free and the people were enclosed.
“Okay,” he said. “And maybe on Wednesday, you can spend at least a little time with your mom?”
“Okay.” I sighed. I knew he was right, that I should see her again. I just really didn’t want to.
30
On Wednesday morning, Daddy woke me up at nine. I was tired and sunburned from our adventure the day before in San Diego, and what I really wanted to do was go back to sleep. Instead, I got up and took a shower, wincing as the water hit my reddened skin. Then we had breakfast.
“Okay,” he said as I ate my eggs and toast, “I’ll take you to your mom’s when you’re done, and I’ll pick you up about five. Is that okay?”
I shrugged. I didn’t really want to go to Mama’s. I didn’t want to see her, knowing what I did about her and my dad. Still, like Daddy said, she was the only mother I had. And I knew he was right, that I’d regret it if I didn’t see her again while we were here.
“What are you going to do?” I asked.
“I’ve got some reading to do for a case,” he said.
“But you’re supposed to be on vacation,” I said.
“Well, maybe I’ll do my reading at the pool.” He smiled. “It’s okay, Judy. I’m fine.”
He drove me to Mama’s and walked up to the apartment with me.
“Here,” he said before we knocked on the door. He pressed a quarter into my hand. “Just in case you need to call.”
He knocked on the door and Mama opened it. She smiled at me and opened her arms.
“Hey, honey,” she said, wrapping me in a hug. “I’m so sorry about Monday. Disneyland just isn’t my thing, you know?”
I didn’t hug her back and stepped away as soon as she released me.
“Okay,” Daddy said, “I’ll be at the hotel if you need me. You have the number, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I have it.”
Daddy left, and I sat down on the couch. The living room looked like it had the day we first arrived—a total mess.
“Where’s Kamran?”
“He’s taking a nap,” Mama said. “Sorry about the mess. I just can’t seem to keep up with everything.”
She began picking up dishes and carried them into the kitchen.
“Do you want something to eat? I can make eggs.”
“I ate at the hotel.”
“How about some juice?”
“No, thanks.”
She walked into the living room carrying a cup of coffee and stood looking at me for a moment.
“I really am sorry, honey,” she said. “I’m sorry about Disneyland, and I’m sorry I upset you at the beach.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay.”
She sat down beside me on the couch and patted my knee.
“I told your dad he was overreacting,” she said, smiling. “He’s always been such a worrier.”
I said nothing.
“So, what do you want to do today? Kamran should be up soon, and then we can do whatever you want.”
“I don’t know,” I said.
“We can drive up to the mountains and have a picnic. Or, hey, I know! We can go to Venice Beach. It’s a funky, fun place, one of my favorite places. I bet you’ll love it.”
“Daddy and I went there on Tuesday,” I said, not looking at her.
“Oh.” She sounded disappointed. “Well, how about we stay here this morning and go to the pool?”
“I’m sunburned,” I said, pulling my sleeve up so she could see.
“I’ve got some heavy-duty sunscreen,” she said. “You’ll be okay.”
“Whatever.”
I reached for the remote control and turned on the television to MTV. Mama sat watching me watch TV.
Finally, she said, “Okay, I get that you’re mad at me. But, God, Judy, it’s not like I did anything wrong. We had lemonade with a nice man who rescued us from the beach Gestapo. There’s nothing wrong with that.”
On the television, Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” blared. Mama reached over, took the remote from me, and turned it off.
“Hey,” I said, “I was watching that.”
“You didn’t come all the way from Indiana to watch television,” she said. “You came to see me. And damn it, Judy, you are going to look at me.”
Her eyes were tearful and she blinked several times.
“Just tell me what was so wrong with having lemonade with Mr. Jenson,” she demanded. “It’s not like we had an affair.”
“Then why didn’t you want me to tell Navid?” I asked, knowing the answer already.
Mama sighed. “Navid is just ... He’s very proper about things. He wasn’t that way so much before the baby, but now ... well, he just wouldn’t get it.”
“I think he’d get it exactly,” I said.
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“I think he’d know you were probably going to cheat on him.”
“Judy!” Mama’s eyes widened. “Why would you say something like that?”
“You cheated on Daddy,” I yelled. “With Derrick and probably with Glen, too. I know you did, so don’t even deny it.”
“Who told you that?” she said, her voice soft.
“I’m not a baby anymore,” I said. “I remember ... things. I didn’t know then, but now I do. I know what I remember, and I know what you did.”
Mama sat quietly for a minute, staring at me and wringing her hands in her lap.
When she finally spoke, her voice was quiet.
“It was a long time ago,” she said. “And I was just a kid. God, Judy, I was eighteen when I met your dad and nineteen when I had you. I wasn’t old enough to be a wife or a mother. And ... well, it was the sixties. Things were different then. When your dad and I got married, neither of us worried too much about stuff like ... well, like sex.”
“He didn’t cheat on you,” I said.
She sighed. “No, he didn’t. But if he had slept with someone else, I’d have been cool with that.”
I stared at her, my mouth open, before I finally said, “I don’t believe you. And anyway, it doesn’t matter, because he didn’t cheat on you. You cheated on him with Derrick and Glen and ... probably lots of other men. You’re just a whore!”
She drew back from me as if she’d been slapped, her eyes wide. She rose and walked from the room. I could hear her crying in the bathroom. I felt bad for calling her a whore. But I was still mad at her. After a few minutes, she walked back into the room, clutching a handful of tissues.
“All right,” she said, sitting down again. “Let’s get something straight right now. You can be as mad at me as you want. You can even hate me. But don’t you ever, ever call me that again. Is that clear?”
I nodded.
“I don’t expect you to understand, Judy. It was a different time, and I was a different person back then. I wasn’t a good wife to Kirk. And I wasn’t a very good mother to you. I tried, but I was just too young.”
She paused, waiting for me to respond. I didn’t say anything.
“But I wish you could see that I’ve changed,” she continued. “I’ve grown up a lot since then. And I’m trying so hard to be a good wife and mother now. Sometimes it’s hard and I don’t always get it right, but I really am trying.”
She paused again.
“Then why did you take Mr. Jenson’s phone number?” I asked.
“
Oh Lord,” she said, flopping back on the couch. “I don’t even know how to explain it to you.”
“Try,” I said.
She sighed deeply and sat back up. “Okay, it’s like ... I love Navid, you know that, right? He’s kind of uptight, but he’s a good man and I love him. But he’s changed so much since Kamran was born. He used to be fun and now he’s just so ... rigid, I guess. He fusses all the time about the house and the laundry and how I take care of the baby. He’s gotten to be a lot like his mom. And that’s hard to deal with.”
She took a drink of coffee and stared at the wall for a minute.
“And then a man like Jack is interested, and that’s flattering, I guess. It’s really nice to know I’m still attractive. That’s all. It’s just nice to know I’m still alive.
“I don’t expect you’ll understand that. You probably won’t get it until you’re my age. I’m not eighteen anymore. I’m over thirty and I’ve had two babies and my body is changing. And sometimes, Judy, it’s just nice to know that someone like Jack thinks I’m attractive.”
I said nothing.
“I’m not going to call him,” she said firmly. “I threw his card away that night.”
“Really?” I hoped she was telling me the truth.
“Really,” she said. “I promise. I threw the card away. I’m not going to call him. I’m not going to cheat on Navid. I’m really trying to be a good wife and mother. Do you believe me?”
“I guess so,” I said.
“Okay. Then, let’s make a pact.” She took both my hands in hers. “From now on, I promise you that I will try hard to be a better mom to you. And I promise not to put you in the middle of things. And I promise ... God, I don’t know. I just promise to try. Will you?”
I nodded, and she squeezed my hands.
“Thank you, honey.”
She kissed both my cheeks. “You know I love you, right?”
“I know, Mama.”
“Good. So, let’s stop talking about all this stuff and decide what we’re going to do today, okay?”
Just then we heard Kamran crying in the nursery.
“Here we go,” Mama said, rising. “I’ll get him up and change him, and you think about what you want to do.”
She walked into the nursery and I went to the kitchen for a glass of water. The phone rang, and I answered it. “Hello?”
“Hey, beautiful, how are you doing this morning?” a man’s voice said.
“What?” His voice sounded familiar, but it wasn’t Navid.
“Cassie?” the voice said.
“No,” I said, “it’s Judy.”
“Oh, hey, Judy, it’s Jack Jenson. You remember, from the beach?”
I stood staring at the receiver for a minute, then dropped it and backed away from the phone.
Mama emerged from the nursery with Kamran on her hip. “Hey, did I hear the phone?”
She stopped when she saw me. “Judy, what’s wrong?”
She saw the receiver dangling down the wall. “Who’s on the phone?”
“It’s Jack Jenson.” I spat the words at her. “Your new boyfriend.”
“Oh,” she stammered, her face going white. “I ... Judy, I didn’t ...”
“You said you threw the card away!” I was yelling now. “You promised me you did. You lied.”
She stepped toward me. Kamran began whimpering. “Honey, I just ...”
“You’re not trying to be a good wife and mother. You’re just doing what you always do. You’re leaving.”
She grabbed at my wrist and I pulled away.
“No,” she said loudly. “I am not leaving.”
“Yes, you are,” I yelled. “You’re leaving. It’s what you always do. You leave.”
Kamran began crying in earnest. Mama ran her hand over his hair.
“Stop it,” she said. “You’re upsetting him.”
She turned toward the phone then, reaching for the receiver. “Hey,” she said as I opened the front door. “I can’t talk now.”
I was on the elevator before she realized I was gone. I heard her calling for me as the car descended.
I walked quickly to Lake Street, remembering the phone booth outside the ice cream store. My fingers shaking, I put the quarter into the phone and dialed.
“I’m at the corner of Lake and California,” I said when Daddy answered. “Come get me.”
I sat down on the curb to wait for him, my stomach churning. She’d lied to me, right to my face. She’d looked me right in the eyes and promised me, and that was just a lie. Everything about Mama was a lie. She didn’t love Navid, just like she hadn’t loved Daddy. She didn’t love me or Kamran, either. How could she love us and act like she did? You didn’t lie to people you loved. You didn’t promise and then just lie. And you didn’t leave.
I shook my head, blinking back tears, thinking of Kamran again, his small hand touching Mama’s cheek. What would happen to him when she left? Who would take him for his first day of school and pick him up every day? Would he lie in bed at night wondering what he’d done wrong? Would he think it was his fault that she’d left?
I had a sudden, vivid memory of lying in my bed at Grandma’s house as she stroked my forehead and shushed me while I cried. I was just a little kid, for Christ’s sake! I was six! And she just left. Mothers didn’t do that to their kids, not real mothers. Mothers were supposed to take care of you and know what grade you were in and help with your homework. Mothers were supposed to take pictures when you went to your first dance and go to PTA meetings and ... and just be there.
Mama did none of those things. Mama was none of those things. She was a liar and a cheater and a whore. I felt my cheeks redden at the thought, ashamed that she was my mother. Ashamed that I had believed her lies. Ashamed that I had loved her.
I leaned forward and vomited on the street. A homeless man stopped to stare at me and then shuffled away.
Wiping my hand across my mouth, I rose, stepped back from the curb, and caught sight of myself in the window of the ice cream store. My dark hair hung to my chin, my dark eyes were wide and red. I looked nothing like her, and I was glad of it. For the first time ever, I was glad I didn’t look like her, glad I wasn’t anything like her, glad she had left and never come back.
Finally, I was done with Mama.
PART 4
MAD WORLD
31
I wasn’t even there when the garage burned down, but of course I got blamed for it.
Downstairs, I could hear Piper Watkins yelling at my dad.
“This is just not something my children would do!”
Her children—God, if she only knew. Luce was a thirteen-year-old kleptomaniac who’d steal anything that wasn’t nailed down. And Trent ... well, he was probably in mourning about now. He’d stashed all his Playboys in the garage. Now they were just ashes. That made me smile.
“Look, I’m sorry her mother is dead, but you have to do something about her. Judy is a wild thing. She’s headed for trouble. And she is not taking my children along for the ride!”
The front door slammed. I heard Daddy coming up the stairs.
“You told Piper Watkins your mother is dead?”
I nodded.
“Why would you say that?”
I shrugged. “It’s easier.”
Easier than explaining that my mother had left two marriages and two children behind, and was now living in an ashram somewhere in India with her guru/lover. Somehow, I couldn’t see telling that to Piper Watkins.
Daddy shook his head and sat down on the bed beside me.
“What were you guys doing in that garage? And don’t hand me some load of crap about melting crayons into candles. Piper might believe that, but I sure as hell don’t.”
I shrugged again. “It’s just a place to hang out.”
“And the fire started on its own, just like that?”
“Probably Luce was smoking.”
“Luce smokes?” Daddy looked surprised.
“Eve
rybody smokes.”
He looked at me closely.
“Everybody but me.” I smiled at him.
“Judy, if I catch you smoking ...”
“God, Dad. I don’t smoke. That’s just stupid.”
He took my chin in his hand and tilted my head so I was looking straight into his eyes.
“Honest, I don’t smoke.”
“I hope not,” he said. “What are you doing tonight?”
“Hanging out with Lee Ann.”
“Well, be home by ten.”
“I thought you were going out with Treva,” I said, looking away.
Dad had been dating Treva for over two years now. She still annoyed me, but I had to admit that sometimes having her around was handy. She took me shopping in Broad Ripple and bought me clothes. She took me to her hair salon to get my hair cut. Once I stayed overnight at her apartment when Daddy was on a business trip. She let Lee Ann stay over, too. We ate pizza, watched videos, and gave each other manicures.
Other times, though, I wished she would drop off the face of the earth. Like when she tried to give me advice about guys, or when she told Daddy I was too young to hang out in Broad Ripple on Friday nights, even though all my friends did.
“I am,” he said, rising. “But I want you home by ten, anyway. I’ll call the house at ten, and I expect you to be here.”
“Whatever.” I sighed.
“There’s some leftover Chinese food in the fridge,” he said.
“Okay.”
He closed the door behind him. A few minutes later, I heard the shower down the hall.
As pleased as I was about Trent’s Playboys burning, the loss of the garage was a problem. At least I hadn’t left the stash there. That would have been a disaster.
I checked the shoe box in the back of my closet. Almost a quarter-pound of pot, neatly divided into nickel and dime bags. I shuddered at the near miss. All that money, all that pot could have gone up in smoke. Lord, Piper Watkins would’ve had a heart attack if she’d smelled pot burning. What would she think about her precious angels if she knew what they’d been doing in the garage?
Luce was fairly useless, of course. We wouldn’t have cut her in at all if she hadn’t found the stash. The only way to keep her mouth shut was to pay her off—and not in money. She really didn’t need the money. All she had to do was bat her eyes at her parents and they’d buy her anything she wanted. Or, she’d just steal it. Instead, Trent and I gave her a constant supply of weed. I was pretty sure that’s how the fire started. Luce always smoked in the garage ... stupid bitch.
The Sometimes Daughter Page 23
