“Hey, Judy?”
I turned to see Trent Watkins standing behind me when I came off the field, holding his helmet in his hand. “You’re a Hornet Honey?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling.
“Cool,” he said, nudging me with his elbow. “Maybe you can sell to some of the other girls.” He winked.
“I don’t think so,” I said, pulling away from him. I didn’t want to get kicked off the squad for dealing pot.
“Oh, come on,” he said, stepping toward me. “I know some of them smoke. Hell, probably most of them. It’s a good market.”
I shook my head, backing away from him.
“Well, if you won’t do it, then just introduce me to some of them,” he said. “I already sell to half the guys on the team.”
“I’d rather keep that separate,” I said.
“How the hell are we gonna make any money if you don’t sell anything?” He was glaring at me now. I was acutely aware of just how big he was, especially with his shoulder pads on.
“I ... I just don’t want to sell here,” I said.
“Hey, Judy!” Sarah waved to me from the gate. “Come on.”
“I’ve gotta go.” I edged away from Trent, turned, and ran toward the fence, not looking back.
“Who’s that?” Sarah asked when I reached her. She pointed to Trent.
“He’s just a guy who lives on my street,” I said.
“He’s cute.”
I stared at her. Did she seriously think Trent Watkins was cute?
“He’s a jerk,” I said.
“Maybe you can introduce us,” she said, smiling at Trent. He smiled back at her and waved.
“Trust me,” I said, “you don’t want to know him.”
“Hey, who’s your friend?” Trent had walked over to where we stood.
“Oh, um, this is Sarah,” I mumbled. “Sarah, this is Trent.”
“Are you new on the squad?” Trent asked her, eyeing her up and down.
“Yeah,” she said, smiling at him. “My first year.”
“I thought so,” he said. “I’d remember you if you’d been here last year.”
“We have to go,” I said, pulling at Sarah’s arm. “We’re gonna be late for the meeting.”
Sarah allowed herself to be pulled along toward the locker room, but she waved over her shoulder to Trent.
“He’s really cute,” she said again.
I rolled my eyes. “He’s a jerk,” I repeated.
After the meeting, I walked toward home. I hadn’t walked even a block before Matt appeared, carrying a soda from Smoots. He met me most days after practice.
“Hey,” he said, kissing me and handing me the soda. “How was practice?”
“It was good,” I said. “I think we’re gonna be ready by Saturday.”
Saturday was the first home football game and our first performance.
“You’re coming on Saturday, aren’t you?” I asked. I’d asked him a dozen times already, but I just wanted to make sure.
“Yes, I’m coming,” he said, grinning at me. “And after the game, we’ll go to Gringo’s and get something to eat. Okay?”
“Okay.” I held his hand as we walked, listening as he talked about a project he was working on for biology. It felt so odd to be walking through my neighborhood, holding hands with Matt Carmichael. Odd, but very nice.
“Well,” he said when we reached my house, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He kissed me again and left. I stood on the porch watching him walk down the street with that casual lope that had become so familiar and dear to me.
“Hey.”
I turned to see Lee Ann standing on the sidewalk in front of my house.
“Hi,” I said.
“So, you and Matt,” she said, smiling at me shyly.
“Yeah,” I said.
“I’m glad for you.”
“Thanks.”
We stood a minute in awkward silence, then she said, “Well, I’ll see you later, I guess.”
“Wait!” I called as she turned. “Do you want to come in?”
“Okay,” she said. She smiled again. “For a little while.”
We went up to my room and sat on the bed.
“So,” she said, “how’s drill team?” She asked it casually, but I could see her lower lip tremble a little.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“Good.”
“It’d be a lot better if you were doing it, too.”
“Thanks,” she said.
We sat for a minute, then she sighed deeply and said, “I’m sorry I was such a bitch.”
“You weren’t,” I said.
“Yes, I was.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I’m sorry, too.”
“Do you want to come over tomorrow night? My mom is making meat loaf.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That sounds good. Thanks.”
“Okay,” she said, rising. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”
“Lee Ann?”
She stopped at the door and turned. I pulled her into a tight hug, and we both started crying.
“I’m really sorry you didn’t make it,” I said finally.
“Yeah, me too.” She wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “But I’m glad you did.”
“Thanks.”
“So, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
She left and I flopped down on my bed, letting the relief wash over me. I felt like I’d been holding my breath for weeks, and now I could let it go. Lee Ann wasn’t mad at me anymore. Everything was okay.
I stared at the ceiling, watching the ceiling fan spin slowly around. Could life get any better than this? Lee Ann and I were friends again. Matt was just about the perfect boyfriend. I was a Hornet Honey. Honestly, life seemed pretty much perfect.
“Judy?” Daddy’s voice called from downstairs. “Are you home?”
“I’m up here,” I yelled back.
He opened the door to my room and smiled at me. “How was practice?”
“It was good,” I said. “Lee Ann came over. I’m gonna have dinner at her house tomorrow, okay?”
“Sure,” he said. “I’m glad you guys are friends again.”
He stood a minute, his hand on the doorknob. Then he stepped into the room and held something out toward me, an envelope, the thin, blue kind that meant a letter from Mama.
I took it from him and studied Mama’s curvy, twirly handwriting of my name and address. It was postmarked in India.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I’ll be downstairs if you want to talk.”
“Okay.”
I put the letter on my desk and lay back on my bed, watching the ceiling fan. I felt like the light had been sucked out of the room. The air was heavy, oppressive. I rolled onto my side and stared at the envelope for a long time. Finally, I tore it open.
My dear Sweet Judy,
I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote, but I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me. It’s been such a long time since I’ve heard from you and I miss you so much. I hope you are doing okay and that you’re happy.
I’m still in India—I guess you could tell that from the envelope. I’m still studying under my guru, and I’m learning so much all the time. Honestly, I have never been happier than I am now. I’ve never felt more at peace.
But, I do miss you. I miss you and Kamran both so much that sometimes I almost can’t breathe. My teacher says in order to be truly at peace, I have to make peace with my past—with you and your dad, and with Kamran and Navid. So, I am planning a trip to the States soon. I’m not sure of all the details yet, but I think I will be in Indianapolis in December. I’m going to Los Angeles first to see Navid and Kamran. And then I will fly to Indy. And I really hope you will see me.
I have so much to tell you, Sweet Judy. So much to explain. I need to apologize, even if you can’t forgive me. And I need to see you and know that you’re okay.
I’ll write agai
n before I come. Meantime, know that I love you so much and I think about you and pray for you every single day.
Love, Mama
I read the letter a second time, then folded it back into the envelope and put it in my desk drawer. I lay there for a long time, watching the fan circle overhead. When Daddy called me for dinner, I took the letter with me and put it in his hand. He read it slowly, folded it, and pulled me into a hug.
“You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to,” he said. “And you definitely don’t have to decide right now. You’ve got plenty of time before December. And if you don’t want her to come, I’ll tell her not to come. Okay?”
I nodded.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Okay, then let’s eat.”
38
On Saturday night I stood at the end of the football field, my heart pounding so loudly I was sure everyone around could hear it. Miss Harrison walked down the line, stopping here and there to adjust a strap or hair bow.
“Okay, girls,” she said brightly, “this is it! Remember to keep your lines straight, make your marks, and above all ...”
“Smile!” we all called out in unison.
The drummers began the marching cadence and we high-stepped onto the field, under the glare of the huge lights. I couldn’t make out faces in the stands at first, the lights were so bright, but there were thousands of people, all watching us. My palms were sweating. I was afraid I might drop my pom-poms.
Then the music began and I fell into the familiar rhythm and flow. I marched, twirled, hit my marks on time, and smiled my biggest smile. Somewhere in the stands, Daddy and Treva were watching. So was Lee Ann. And, of course, Matt. I concentrated on smiling just for them.
When we’d finished our jazz routine, the band began playing the school song, and everyone in the stands rose to sing along. We danced the dance, throwing our pom-poms high into the air at the end and catching them before we marched off the field. It was the most thrilling thing I’d ever done.
After the game, Matt and I went to Gringo’s Taco House. We met Lee Ann and her current boyfriend, a junior named Steve who played on the varsity basketball team. Lee Ann hugged me and told me I had been the best Honey out there. I was so glad we were friends again.
“Seriously,” she said. “I’ll bet by the time you’re a senior, you’re captain of the squad.”
I laughed and felt my cheeks burning.
“Oh my God,” Lee Ann said then, touching my arm. “Look!”
I turned to where she was pointing and saw Sarah sitting in a booth with Trent Watkins and another couple. All of them looked stoned. When she noticed us looking at her, Sarah smiled and waved, then crawled over Trent to get out of the booth and walked toward us unsteadily.
“Hey,” she said, dropping into the seat beside me. “How are you? Wasn’t that just the most fun ever?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it was fun.”
“Are you here with Trent Watkins?” Lee Ann asked, her eyes never leaving Sarah’s face.
“Well, yeah,” Sarah said. “I am. What’s it to you?”
“Nothing.” Lee Ann sat back in the booth. “Just surprised, I guess.”
“He’s nice,” Sarah said, smiling. “And cute. And ... well, you know.”
“I know what?” Lee Ann asked.
I shook my head slightly at her. I didn’t want Sarah to go on.
“Well, he’s got the goods.” She giggled.
“You’ve been holding out on me,” she said, turning to me. “How come you never told me about your ... business?”
“I ...” I had no idea how to answer her.
“What business?” Matt asked.
“It’s nothing,” I said, glaring into Sarah’s bloodshot eyes.
“Judy and Trent have the best pot in Indy,” she said, leaning over me to look at Matt. “Didn’t you know? Or has she been holding out on you, too?”
“You’re stoned,” Lee Ann said flatly. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“And you’re a fat pig,” Sarah hissed at her. “No wonder you didn’t make the squad.”
She rose, steadying herself before walking back to her table.
We sat still for a minute. I wanted to sink right into the floor and disappear.
“She’s stoned,” Lee Ann repeated. “Don’t listen to anything she says.”
Steve was looking at me with new interest.
“So,” he said, “do you deal?”
“No!” I said. “I don’t ... deal.”
“Sorry,” he said. “I just wondered.”
“Judy’s dad is a lawyer, for God’s sake,” Lee Ann said, shoving his shoulder. “She couldn’t deal even if she wanted to.”
She laughed. Beside me, Matt sat quietly.
When we’d finished our tacos, Matt and I walked back to his car in silence. Once inside, he turned to me and asked, “Do you really deal pot?”
I sat for a minute just looking at him.
“Yeah,” I said finally. “That is, not anymore. But I did.”
“That’s not good, Judy,” he said. “You could get in real trouble, and so could your dad.”
“I don’t do it anymore,” I said. But at that very moment, I had several ounces in my closet at home.
“Good,” he said. “Because I can’t date a dealer.”
He said it firmly, looking me right in the eyes.
“Okay.”
“I mean it,” he said, never taking his eyes from mine. “I had a friend in Kentucky who got into a lot of trouble over pot. And I won’t be anywhere near it.”
“Okay,” I repeated.
He sighed then and relaxed a little.
“I know I sound like a narc,” he said. “And I know it’s just pot. But my friend ended up in juvenile detention. His mom was in school with my mom, and it just about killed her. I would never do that to my mom.”
He smiled at me. “So, are we okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, smiling back. “We’re okay.”
The next day I stuffed all of the pot into a padded envelope and tucked it into my backpack. Then I walked to Trent’s house and knocked on the door.
“Hey,” he said when he opened the door. “What’s up?”
I shoved the envelope into his hand.
“I’m out,” I said.
“Out of what?” He opened the envelope and his eyes widened.
“Out of the business,” I said. “It’s yours. You do it. You know where to get it. And I won’t ever say a word. But I’m out.”
I turned and walked down the sidewalk.
“Hey!” Trent called after me.
“What?”
“You’re gonna miss the money.”
I kept walking. He was probably right. I would miss the money. But I wanted Matt more than I wanted the money. And I wanted to not lie to him ever again. What he’d said the night before scared me, and I wasn’t about to risk losing him. He was everything I’d ever wanted, I realized. Everything I never even knew I wanted.
Matt loved me. He hadn’t actually said it, but I knew that he did. I just felt it. I felt safe with him, like I could be just who I was and nothing else, and that was okay.
I had finally told him everything about Mama. I did it one night while we were sitting in his car at the park. I told him about Derrick and Glen, and about Mr. Jenson. I wanted him to know. He was the first person I ever really wanted to know all about Mama. And after I told him, he kissed me and held me close and said it didn’t matter. Her life wasn’t my life. She was messed up, he said, but I was perfect. And in that moment, I felt loved like I never had before.
And I was damned sure not going to lose that because of Trent Watkins and some pot.
When I got home I scoured the closet, removing any remaining signs of my once lucrative business. Then I took a shower, dried my hair, and called Matt. I didn’t have a reason, really. I just wanted to hear his voice.
Life was good.
Two weeks later, Trent knocked on my front door. It was late afternoon, and Daddy was still at work.
“Hey,” I said, not inviting him inside. “What’s up?”
“I need your help,” he said, pushing his way into the house. “Is your dad home?”
“No,” I said. “What’s wrong?”
“Mitch won’t deal with me,” he said, pacing around the living room. “He’s gotten all paranoid and he says he’ll only deal with you.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I told you, I’m out.”
“Come on, Judy. All you have to do is go buy the stuff from Mitch. I’ll handle everything else, and we’ll split just like always.”
I shook my head again.
“What’s wrong with you?” His voice rose. “This is easy money. I’m doing all the work. All you have to do is go with me to get the stuff.”
“No,” I said. “I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t want to get kicked off the squad.”
“You’re not gonna get kicked off the squad,” he said. “You’re not gonna get in trouble. I’m taking all the risks. I’m doing all the work.”
I simply shook my head again.
He walked toward me, clenching his fists, and grabbed my arm.
“Look,” he said, his face just inches from mine. “You have to do this. You owe me.”
“No!” I shouted.
He shoved me backward and I hit my head against the wall. I raised my hands as he approached.
“Look, you stupid little cunt,” he snarled, grabbing my wrists. “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you, you are going to do this.”
“Stop it! You’re hurting me.”
He released my hands and took a step back.
“Okay, look,” he said in a quieter voice. “I just need you to help me this one last time, that’s all. Just so Mitch sees I’m okay. After this, I won’t ask you again, I promise.”
I stood still, watching him pace in front of me.
“Come on,” he pleaded, “I have people I’ve promised stuff to. I can’t back out on them now. Please, Judy? Just this one last time.”
Still I said nothing.
“Okay,” he said, his voice quiet and deadly, “then I guess I’ll just have to tell your dad and Miss Harrison what you’ve been up to all this time.”
The Sometimes Daughter Page 28
