But she couldn’t stay away forever. Once home, she changed into shorts, fixed herself some comfort food and went to lie down. She didn’t sleep, but dozed off and on, and thought about Sam and Margot, and the mess she’d made of all their lives.
She wished she could have had some of the knowledge she’d acquired over the last two years back when she first got married. Nick was right. She had thrown away the best relationship she’d probably ever have.
She’d released Sam from any and all commitment with the divorce. He had been free to see whomever he pleased.
The knowledge hurt. She’d childishly wanted him to come after her, demand she return home. How juvenile could she be. He’d treated her as an adult respecting her wishes.
Only they hadn’t really been her wishes.
Now what was she going to do about it?
* * *
WEDNESDAY, LISA CALLED the ranch to talk to Joey. Her voice was cool and distant when she requested to speak with her son. She did not want to talk to Sam.
When she hung up some time later, she was only marginally happier having spoken with her son. She’d thought Sam might say something at least offer an explanation or ask to see her.
Not that anything he could say would help. Nick had pleaded his case adequately. It changed nothing.
Restless and a bit lonely, she left the apartment and went to sit on the porch. A couple walked hand in hand on the sidewalk, waving as they passed the house. Lisa smiled and waved back. From the distance, they’d never know the effort it took to smile.
She rocked a while, letting the quiet night sooth her. Crickets sounded in the heat, and she tried to remember how to figure out how hot it was by their cadence. But it had been so long ago when she’d known that and other things pressed in on her now.
A familiar truck pulled up and stopped. Lisa watched as Nick climbed out and went around to let Jennifer out. They laughed as something and headed up the walkway.
“Oh, Lisa.” Jennifer said when she spotted Lisa on the porch.
“Good evening,” she said, feeling awkward around Nick. Once they’d been best friends, girl-friend and boy-friend. Even after they had gone in other directions, they’d stayed friends. Now she only felt embarrassed to be around him. His words echoed.
Jennifer turned to Nick and murmured something, then kissed him.
“See you tomorrow,” he said easily. Turning, he headed back to the truck without a word to Lisa.
Jennifer came up and sat in a rocker beside Lisa.
“Isn’t this weather gorgeous? Warm in the day, but so pleasant in the evenings. I want Nick to get some rockers so we can sit out on nights like this.”
Lisa smiled, amused for the first time in what seemed like ages. “I can’t see Nick sitting out on a porch at least not before he’s seventy.”
Jennifer laughed. “I know, but I keep asking. Sometimes just by plugging away at something, you can get what you want.”
“But not always,” Lisa murmured.
“I’m sorry about you and Sam,” she said after a minute.
Lisa tensed. She didn’t want to discuss the situation with anyone especially someone she hardly knew.
“I know, it’s not any of my business. But Sam’s going to be my brother-in-law soon, and I like him a lot. I think he’s gotten a rotten deal.”
“Because of me,” Lisa said.
“Yes, if you want me to be honest. What do you want, Lisa?”
Lisa looked at her in the dark. “Doesn’t everyone want to be happy?”
“And how will you accomplish that? By blaming him for being human? You left. He tried to find happiness with you gone.”
“I wish him well, then, with Margot.”
“I don’t think so,” Jennifer said. “I think you want Sam for yourself.”
Lisa looked out across the street, wishing she’d stayed inside. She didn’t need this. The ache in her heart hasn’t ease a bit since Saturday.
“We don’t always get what we want.”
Jennifer reached out and patted her hand. “I know. But sometimes we can if we don’t give up. I bet I have my rocking chairs by next summer. I bet you could have Sam this summer if you’d forgive and let him know how you feel. He’s crazy about you, always has been from what I hear.”
“I want love,” Lisa said stubbornly. She looked at Jennifer. “I’ve thought a lot about it over the last week or so. I don’t ever remember him saying he loved me. He did say he was crazy about me. What does that mean?”
“Did you ever ask him? You know guys have a hard time sometimes saying what they mean. And from what Nick says, there wasn’t a lot of love going around out there when their father was alive. Maybe Sam doesn’t know how to say it. Or maybe he doesn’t even recognize it when he’s knee deep in love. Give him a chance, Lisa. Don’t let pride and hurt feelings prevent you from having what you want in life.”
“So what do you suggest I do, ride out there and tell Sam it doesn’t matter that he made a baby with someone else, that I want to try marriage again?” Lisa asked hotly.
“Only if that’s what you want,” Jennifer said softly. “But if you’re sitting here thinking he’s going to ride up one day on a white charger and sweep you off your feet, you’ll be an old lady before you realize it’ll never happen. That man’s been knocked down more than he can get up, I’m thinking.”
“I’m not the one who had him sleeping with Margot.”
“No?” Jennifer asked gently.
Chapter Twelve
SAM TUCKED JOEY into bed, listening as he chattered about his mother. He’d left the room after giving Joey the phone that evening. Lisa had obviously not wished to talk to him.
After Joey was asleep, he debated calling her, but didn’t have a clue what he’d say. As far as she was concerned, his betrayal with another woman was the final straw. And he had no doubt she saw it as a betrayal.
Wouldn’t you have? a voice inside asked. What if Lisa had become pregnant with another man’s baby. The thought burned in his gut. He would have hated it. Could he have gotten past it to see what they could make together? He didn’t know.
The admission eased some of his anger at her. In her situation, he’d probably react the same. Talking about it wouldn’t change anything.
There was nothing left to do but go on. Nothing had changed. They were divorced. And he was about to become a father again.
* * *
SUNDAY MORNING, LISA dressed for church in a pale blue skirt and white eyelet top. It was growing hotter every day. Before long summer would arrive full blast.
She missed Joey. Jennifer had come down Friday night to say Sam and Joey were joining her at a horse show in which she was participating. Joey wanted to see her ride. It meant a day’s delay in Joey’s returning home, but Lisa wouldn’t deprive him of the event.
Jennifer had invited Lisa as well, but she’d quickly turned her down.
Sam had not phoned to say when to expect them. She’d called her mother and arranged to join her parents at the church and then go back with them for lunch. Leaving a note on the door for Sam, she walked to the church she’d attended all her life.
The large interior was cool and crowded with friends and neighbors. She spoke with several as she made her way up the aisle to where her parents were already seated.
“Where’s Joey?” her mother asked when Lisa slipped in beside her.
“Still at Sam’s. He’s coming home later today.”
“In time to join us for lunch?”
Lisa started to shake her head when she heard, “Hi, Mommy.”
Joey ran between the pews and sat beside her with a bounce, beaming up at her. “We surprised you.”
Lisa looked up into Sam’s hard stare. Her breath caught. He wore a sports jacket and bolo tie with a western stitched white shirt. The slacks were a change from jeans. His boots had a high polish. He held his hat in one hand.
“Lisa,” he said as greeting, sitting beside Joey.
“What are you doi
ng here?” she whispered.
“I brought my son to church. Do you have a problem with that?”
She stared at him, feeling the churning emotions that had never eased all week threaten to overwhelm her. She wanted to reach out and touch him, make some connection. Conversely, she wanted him to leave and never come around her again.
Her mother leaned over. “Hi, Joey, Sam. Glad you could make it. We’re all going back to our place afterward for lunch, join us?”
“Mother!” Lisa hadn’t told her mother about Sam and Margot. But she couldn’t stand the normalcy of everything. Her world had tilted when she’d learned the news.
Sam shook his head, his gaze holding Lisa’s. “Joey would like it, I’m sure. But I need to talk to Lisa. If you wouldn’t mind taking him, that would give us some time alone.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” Lisa said.
“Tough. We need to talk and we will.”
She blinked and looked to the front of the church. Somehow the emotions that bubbled weren’t conducive to peace on earth good will toward men. Especially the man next to her.
The sermon seemed interminable. Normally she enjoyed the minister’s lesson, today she was too conscious of Sam sitting only a few feet away. Of the revelation of last Saturday. Of the aching hurt that wouldn’t fade.
Joey squirmed impatiently a time or two. She was annoyed to find that Sam’s merely touching him gently on the shoulder was enough to settle him down.
Finally it was over.
“If you change your mind, come over,” Margaret said to Sam, holding Joey by the hand. She glanced at Lisa and back to Sam.
“I hope your discussion is fruitful.”
Lisa’s dad shook hands with Sam and followed after his wife and grandchild.
Sam took Lisa’s arm in a firm grip.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Lisa said in a low voice as they joined the crowd making its way down the aisle to the back of the church. She would not draw attention to them by trying to tug her arm free.
Not that she’d need to. People were already noticing, and whispering. She could just imagine what they were saying. Color flooded her cheeks.
“I have plenty to say to you. And I’m sure you must have a question or two.” Sam seemed oblivious to others in the church. His attention was solely on Lisa.
“I think you said it all last Saturday.”
Sam didn’t reply. The tightening of his hand was the only indication he gave that he even heard her.
Walking out into the bright sunshine, Lisa wished she had brought a hat or something to shade her face. Or dark glasses to shield herself from Sam’s gaze. Instead, she felt as if she were in a spotlight.
“Where did you want to have this talk?” she asked, stopping to one side on the crowded walkway.
“Some neutral place.”
“Right here?”
“I think this might take longer than you think.”
“We really have nothing to talk about.” She didn’t want to talk. She wanted to scurry home and shut the door on the world.
He turned to face her, blocking her from the crowd dispersing behind him.
“I want you to marry me, Lisa.”
“What?”
His sardonic smile mocked. “I thought that would get your attention.”
“Is that a joke?” she asked suspiciously.
The smile faded. “No. I’m deadly serious. I think we should get married again.”
“No.” She looked away, afraid of what he might see if she didn’t.
“Don’t dismiss the idea out of hand.”
“Are you crazy? You sleep with some other woman, make a baby and then want me to marry you?”
He took a deep breath. “I knew this wouldn’t be easy.”
“Easy, nothing. It’s dumb, stupid, ludicrous. I wouldn’t marry you if--”
He put a finger over her lips. “Don’t say it. Don’t say anything. I want to talk to you and you’re going to listen if I have to hog tie you to do it.”
She opened her mouth to refute his assertion, then snapped it shut. Maybe she would listen to him. Just to hear what he had to say. To see if it would ease the ache in her heart at all.
“Okay.”
He headed for his truck, parked up the block. The pounding of her heart was because of the heat, she decided as she hurried to keep pace beside him. Not in reaction to his touch, to the feel of his fingers on her skin. The tingling was an interruption in her blood circulation, not awareness, not a joyful delight in his touch.
He drove to the park in the center of town. There were benches scattered beneath the tall century old oak trees, affording shade and some privacy as they were spaced wide enough apart conversations couldn’t be overheard. Sam chose the one farthest from the playground area. Sitting down, he half turned to look at Lisa.
She sat and stared ahead, refusing to meet his eyes. Making her displeasure as clear as she was able.
“I think getting married would be perfect,” he began.
That caused her to swivel around and glare at him. “I don’t see it that way.”
“Why not? Are you going to tell me those nights in Houston meant nothing?”
“Not in comparison with your nights with Margot.”
“I know you’re upset about that. It’s not exactly what I had hoped for, either.”
“If you want a wife, why not ask her?”
He hesitated a moment.
Lisa closed her eyes and sighed. Obviously he already had. Margot must have turned him down.
Opening them again, she hoped the tears she felt welling wouldn’t fall. He had asked another woman to marry him. To share his life.
“I didn’t even date in the last two years,” she said softly.
“And I went on a bunch of dates trying to get you out of my mind. Including a whole series with Margot. Your leaving left a big hole in my life. I was trying to fill it up. Nothing worked.”
Lisa felt the familiar guilt mixed with sorrow.
“We should have worked harder on our marriage when we had the chance,” she said.
“Yes.”
She waited, but he assigned no blame.
“I should have,” she said.
He shrugged. “It takes two. The way I see it, we’ve learned from our mistakes. We wouldn’t make them again.”
“I don’t think I could ever marry you again, Sam.”
“Because of Margot?”
She nodded. “I’m really hurt. Not that you dated. Not even that you slept with someone else. You were free to do whatever you wanted. But that you made a baby...”
“I can’t change that, Lisa. And if you can’t live with it, you can’t. The child is mine. Margot doesn’t want anything to do with it once it’s born. So we come as a packaged deal. You’re right. I was free to do whatever I wanted.”
He paused a moment, as if marshaling his thoughts. “I might not have ever thought you and I would have a chance again, but seeing you in Fort Worth, and then our spending time together we’ve got something, sweetheart. You can’t deny the feelings that sizzle between us.”
“Sex isn’t everything.”
“It isn’t only sex and you know it.”
Lisa refused to admit to that.
“And you’re a wonderful mother. Look at how well you’re bringing up Joey. You love kids, I bet this baby would wrap itself right around your heart.”
“You ask too much.”
He sat back on the bench and stretched his long legs out in front of him, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Maybe I do. I want you back, Lisa. I’d give you anything I have.”
The tears eased over her lids, slid down her cheeks. The lump in her throat was impossible to swallow. It was too late.
“I guess I thought it was fate when I saw you again in Fort Worth. Maybe it was capricious and mean. I thought I had put you behind me. That I could go on fine the way I was. One glimpse of you and I knew I’d been kidding myself.�
��
She reached out, hesitating just before touching him. Clenching her hand into a fist, she let it fall in her lap. “I can’t do it, Sam. I’m sorry about everything. The divorce was my fault and I’d change it if I could. But you are asking too much of me.”
And nowhere had he mentioned love. What kind of marriage would it be without that primary ingredient?
He looked up at the branches of the trees. The silence was punctuated by the distant shouts and laughter of children playing on the swings and slides of the playground. A soft breeze ruffled the leaves, soughing through the branches.
“Want to hear about Margot?”
Lisa lifted a shoulder half-halfheartedly. “I guess.” Might as well know it all.
“I started dating her last fall.” He threw her a quick glance. “She reminded me of you a little.”
“Nick said that.”
“You and Nick are speaking now?”
“He came by to lecture me, if you call that speaking.”
“Interesting. Do any good?”
She shook her head. “Go on.”
“Margot isn’t you. She looks a little like you with that auburn-brownish hair and blue eyes. And she has a fun sense of adventure. It wasn’t meant to be. She doesn’t like ranching or horses or anything to do with cattle. So for an occasional date, we did fine. When I tested the waters for something more, she backed off quickly enough.”
He’d been searching for a replacement wife.
What did she expect, that he’d remain celibate the rest of his life? Sam was young and virile and deserved to have a full, rich life. Had she truly expected him to martyr himself because of her?
Childishly, she rather thought she had.
“An occasional date doesn’t end up pregnant.”
“We went to a Thanksgiving Day party with a bunch of married friends. Everyone was talking about family and traditions and I had asked you if Joey could come for the weekend and you’d said no. I was mad and lonely and--” He took off his hat and rubbed his fingers through his hair, resettling the Stetson.
“I got drunk, Margot got drunk and the next thing I knew two months later she’s telling me we’re parents-to-be and she wants nothing to do with the baby.”
“Hard to walk away from,” Lisa murmured dryly.
Love Me Some Cowboy Page 49
