by Alina Man
“Still not hungry,” he smirks.
“Maybe but since you’re here already I guess I’m not going to be rude and not eat. Let’s go in the living room; it’s warmer there.”
I let him go first, so that I can check him out. He’s wearing the same beanie from yesterday, and a black and red flannel shirt over baggy jeans.
“Do you want to grab the paper plates? I know Sonia had some in the pantry. Or I can get them.”
“No it’s ok, I think I still remember where the pantry is,” I answer and walk out. How is it that one minute I want to touch his face, the circle rings adorning his brow, and then the next I want to break every bone in his body? Why does he know so much about this house, about my nana? Why do I feel like he belongs here more than I do?
I find what I’m looking for and return to the living room, still trying to calm my anxious breathing. I pass him a plate and he once again surprises me by serving me first. Everything about him exudes confidence and yet he is not cocky about it. The food is as delicious as I remember, or maybe it’s just been too long since my last meal.
“So did you decide where you want to start with your search,” he breaks the silence.
“I wish I could say yes but the truth is I feel as lost as I felt yesterday when you gave me the news, if not even more.”
“I know you don’t want me here but I promised Sonia I would help you. No, don’t try to deny it,” he stops me when I try to disagree. “We can start today and maybe check the attic first. I know you’re scared of spiders and who knows what’s up there. So you see, you’ll need me for protection, if nothing more.” Oh my, if he keeps smiling like that I’ll end up in bigger trouble than I already am.
I simply nod and finish my meal, trying to avoid his stares and play it cool. The truth is I’ve always been scared of the attic, and while I wish I could say that with age that had changed, that’s not the case. My nana never liked to throw away things, and while not a hoarder, she kept every single school project I’ve ever made. Every card, every toy, every little outfit, all stored in large bins with bright labels on the outside.
Once we were finished eating and the trash removed we walked towards the back stairs leading us to the attic. Noah pushed the heavy small door open and walked inside the stuffy room. It was hard to see and no matter how many times I tried to turn on the lights, nothing happened.
“There’s a flashlight in the kitchen, first drawer next to the sink. In the pantry there are a few packs of light bulbs. Do you mind getting them? Unless you want to wait here?” I didn’t answer, instead walked back to fetch the stuff he requested. I could feel a pang of jealousy over the fact that he was so at home here, feeling replaced by him in so many ways. I had no problem finding everything and returned to the attic; he picked up the flashlight and changed the light bulb with ease. Before I knew it, the room was inundated in a glowing ray of light.
One thing I was right about: everything I ever owned was here, neatly packed away. The room was cleaner than I expected making me wonder if maybe this was the place hiding the letter. From up here we could hear the rushing wind and the heavy rain dancing on the worn roof. Noah pulls a few boxes down and we open them one by one looking through the old contents.
“So where exactly are you from? Come on don’t give me that look. If we’re going to be stuck here for the next few hours we might as well get to know each other, don’t you think?”
“I’m from around here.”
His brief answer only makes me more curious. What is he hiding?
“If you are from around here how come I don’t know you? It’s not like I’ve been gone forever.”
“Feels like it.”
“What did you say?” I heard him the first time but wanted to make sure I heard him right.
“Nothing. I moved away when I was sixteen.”
We continue to pull out random things from the boxes, each making me smile, or sigh, taking me back in time.
“Can you believe she still kept my report cards?” Everything is here, all tucked away safely like priceless treasures. We’ve looked through four boxes already and so far no letter and it’s making me anxious. What if it’s all a lie? I mean I never met this guy and yet I believed him on the spot, never doubting his motives.
“Why did you move back? Do you have family here?”
His eyes are on me now, watching me intently and he takes his time answering my question. “Your grandfather asked me to come back.”
“Come back? As in you’ve been here before? Why did he ask you to come here?”
“Look what’s with all the questions? What is it that you want to know exactly?”
He has no reason to be angry with me and yet he sounds like he is. “I just want to know why he asked you to come here. Why can’t you answer a simple question?”
“Because it’s not a simple question. He knew you were not coming back and wanted to make sure Sonia was not going to be alone.”
His words cut through my heart like a sharp knife. A fresh wave of guilt washed over me. Noah was right. As I glance around the room, something catches my eye and I move closer to take a better look.
“Wow, I can’t believe she kept this too,” I say as my fingers trace the top of my old dollhouse. “I got this when I turned seven, the very same year I thought I was a princess and this was my castle.” I squeeze my eyes as tightly as I can, to hold back the tears. I haven’t even found the letter and I’m already falling apart. Noah comes around and pulls the house from its corner so I get to have a better look. There are three stories, each room filled with beautiful carved furniture, and I lower myself until I’m sitting on the floor in front of it, touching the small items as my eyes move from one room to the other.
In what appears to be the bedroom, there are two initials carved on the wall with a heart between them and I simply stare at them. N heart B. The more I look at them the more I start to remember.
“My nana once told me that when my father died I stopped talking altogether. It was months before she could finally get me to open up a little and the only time she would get some sort of reaction was when she would read me bedtime stories. Stories filled with princesses; fairytales. There were not too many kids my age in this neighborhood and one day papa surprised both nana and me when he brought a boy to the house. Wow, I haven’t thought of him in such a long time. Right after I turned thirteen he just stopped coming around; he disappeared. It was as if he was a figment of my imagination. I can’t remember too well but I think he was the one that carved these letters here.” More memories are appearing in front of me like slideshows and each piece of the puzzle starts to come together. I turn to Noah who seems to know just what I’m thinking.
“That’s impossible,” I whisper.
“I helped your grandpa with this the day before your birthday. I was only ten and didn’t have any money to get you something. It was stupid but, I don’t know, at the time it was just right.” He seems frazzled and embarrassed and tries really hard to avoid looking me in the eyes.
“Oh my Lord, you are the boy I used to play with. The boy who was at our house all the time, reading to me and…” I am starting to feel lightheaded and it feels as if the air is being sucked out of my lungs. “How could you not tell me who you were? Why did you lie to me,” I yell.
“I did not lie to you.” He takes a few steps back, scratching the back of his head. For a second his eyes are closed making me wonder if maybe he’s too upset; I pray he doesn’t turn around and leave because now more than ever, I want answers. I need to know where he went all these years ago and why he was back now.
“My father left us; he gambled every penny we had saved and eventually we lost the house. By the time my mother realized he was not coming back, we were already too deep in debt and had a month to move out. Two weeks later we were on our way to Texas to live with my uncle.”
“Why did you not tell me who you were yesterday?”
“Because I didn’t know how yo
u would take it. I never wanted to leave without saying goodbye. I need you to know that. I was just a kid without a voice, so when my mom said we’re leaving all I could do was pray that one day I’d be able to come back and find you.” His voice is shaky, as if he’s overcome with grief.
“I think you should go. I am done here for today; I’m done with all of this.” I am too confused about everything and so much has happened in the past two days. The more I think about it, the more I just want to drop everything and go back to Boston where everything is in order making me feel safe.
“Let me help you. Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you yesterday but seriously what did you expect me to say? Hey remember me? I’m the kid that was crazy in love with you ten years ago then vanished in thin air without a word? Shit happens. Just let me help you,” he pleads.
“Why are you so bent on helping me? What’s in it for you? Are you hoping she left you something? Is that why you came back?”
I regret saying the words the minute they are out of my mouth but it’s too late to take it back. He pushes one of the boxes out of his way then storms out of the room without a single glance in my direction. What have I done?
Chapter 4.
I’m sitting on the floor in the middle of the crowded attic surrounded by boxes and silence. As much as I want to continue looking for the letter, I’m out of energy and any desire for that matter, so instead I turn off the lights and go in search for something to eat. The canned soup I find in the pantry will have to do as I’m not about to go shopping in the pouring rain. I won’t be around for much longer after all.
As I’m waiting for the soup to heat, I find myself thinking of Noah and the way things were before he moved away. There was not a day that we didn’t spend together. I still remember how much I hated him when I realized he left me without a word. At thirteen it felt like the world was ending and for the longest time I wondered if maybe it was something I said or did that made him leave.
The bubbly soup burns my mouth but I feel no pain. I have to force myself to eat a few spoonfuls before discarding the, now cold, meal. Maybe a quick call to Joe will make me feel positive again so I dial his number.
“This is Joe,” he answers on the second ring.
“It’s me. Do you have a sec?”
“Hey babe. Sure, let me just tell Phil. He’s on the other line.”
Phil is one of the partners at the firm and a very nice guy.
“Ok sorry about that. So what’s up? Ready to come home?”
“Not yet. The truth is I don’t think I’ll be able to resolve the house thing anytime soon.” I end up telling him the whole story, about the letter, Noah and everything else.
“God Brenda, this is really stupid. How can you trust some stranger? You’re putting everything on hold to look for a letter that may or may not exist. Can you just take a second here and listen to yourself?”
The more he speaks, the more I wish I had not called. Leave it to Joe to make me question my sanity once again.
“I know how it sounds but without this letter I can’t get the will and I need to figure out what to do with the house. I need this for me, crazy or not.”
“Let me contact your grandma’s lawyer and get it all sorted out before you waste more time there. Why don’t you just get me the information and I’ll take care of it. Come home tomorrow babe.”
He makes all the sense in the world; still the heart and mind have different plans.
“I’ll think about it, ok? How was dinner last night? Did you get a new client?” We talk about his work and I’m glad he’s no longer pressuring me about going home.
I curl up in one of the big chairs in front of the fireplace and pretend to be reading. My eyes feel heavy and before I can help it, I’m drifting into the world of dreams. I’m not fully asleep but can’t seem to be able to get up either. No longer in my chair, I’m flying through a thick curtain of fog, back in time, and judging by my reflection, I’m around thirteen.
The fog starts to dissipate and I recognize our backyard, the big tree surrounded by my nana’s flowerpots and my old swing freshly painted. There is a boy waiting for me there and he is holding a box in his hand. I start feeling a rush of happiness the closer I get and so I try to reach him faster.
“Hi princess,” the boy says. He is so beautiful and so familiar. We hide behind the tree and sit on the fresh grass, his hand now holding mine.
“What do you have in the box,” I ask him excitedly. He pushes what looks like a shoe box towards me and I’m trying to open it with one hand, not willing to let go of him yet.
He’s covered the box in red paper and painted pink hearts all over it and it melts my heart knowing he did all of this for me. I push away the lid and lying inside there’s the most beautiful pink rose I’ve ever seen. I throw my arm around his neck, surprising us both, and he returns my embrace.
“I love it,” I whisper in his ear and he holds me closer until we become one. I’ve never been this close to a guy before and it feels heavenly, so good that I don’t want to ever let go.
“Happy Valentine’s day princess,” he smiles then reaches inside the box for something. I think he’s pulling the flower out, instead he’s holding a silver chain with a tiny heart on it. I pull my hair to the side so he can put it on for me. As his fingers make contact with the back of my neck, I feel shivers down my spine.
“It’s beautiful, Noah.” I pull him in for another hug just as my nana’s voice comes from the kitchen window calling us to eat.
“You are beautiful,” he tells me and I’m drowning in his words. I love him so much in this moment and I know we will always be together. I can hear a weird noise coming from afar, barely there at first, but getting louder by the second. It’s getting closer and closer and it’s hurting my ears.
“What is that noise Noah,” I turn to him but he’s fading in the shadows. “Don’t leave me,” I scream but he can no longer hear me.
-----
I wake up with a start, drenched in sweat, still feeling the warmth from his embrace. The noise is still here, coming from my cell phone, letting me know it’s time to get up. It is only five in the morning but I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep. I hug my knees to my chest and try to make sense of the dream. It felt so real because it was once real. I still have the necklace in my old room as a reminder of just how real the dream was. Damn you Noah for coming back now after all these years. Why couldn’t he just stay away? Better yet, how am I going to stay away?
I changed into warmer clothes and decided to go look for a coffee shop. I swore off coffee almost a year ago but today was one of those days. The air is so cold that my fingers go numb holding the steering wheel. I turn the heat up and wait for the car to warm up a little; the street is really quiet at this hour, very few lights on as everyone tries to start their day. I look at the house across the street and wonder if he is already awake; I wonder if he has the same dreams I do and if he ever wonders what might have happened if he never left.
I drive around for a while and can’t believe my luck when I find the old donut shop. Every weekend my papa used to come here early in the morning and buy us a dozen of the warm and sugary pastries. The minute I walk in I’m surrounded by the aroma of fresh coffee and dough. I’m still deciding on what to order, when an elderly lady approaches me and pulls me in for a hug.
“Oh my Lord I can’t believe it’s you. Brenda sweetie it’s been too long since we’ve seen you.” She pulls back to take a better look and I’m still too shocked to say anything. “Oh honey I was just talking to my Ricky about your poor grandma. I am so sorry for your loss dear and if you need anything you let me know, you hear? We are all family around here and we take care of our own.” She hugs me one more time then walks behind the counter. “Now what can I get you?”
I forgot how small the town is and that everyone pretty much knows everyone’s business. I take a deep breath and before I can think about it, I order a dozen mixed donuts and two jumbo cr
oissants, and two extra large coffees. The nice lady eyes me curiously but she’s too polite to ask who the second coffee is for. I juggle the box and coffee to the car and as I’m driving back to the house, I try to come up with an excuse as to why I should stay away from Noah. Unfortunately I can’t think of anything and while I park the car in his driveway I pray that he will accept my apology. Coffee and donuts in hand I walk up the few steps to the door and have to use my nose to ring the bell. It takes a few tries but eventually I can hear him coming to the door.
“Alright, alright, I hear you.”
Noah is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and I can now see the whole tattoo that’s covering his entire left arm and part of his chest. Oh God have mercy and keep me from fainting or I’ll end up dropping everything at his feet. I know I’m staring but I just hope I don’t end up drooling all over myself.
“What are you doing here,” he asks and I’m thinking maybe this was a bad idea.
“I came to say I’m sorry.”
“Hmm, and I take it that’s your peace offering,” he says and points to the coffee.
“It all depends on if I’m forgiven or not.” He pulls the door all the way to the side to make room for me and grabs the coffee tray from my hand. Once inside, he closes the door and moves ahead of me leading the way to the kitchen. The place is really small and scarcely furnished; not what I expected since he said he’s lived here for three years. The kitchen is just as tiny but very clean and bright. I sit at the small table by the window and Noah brings a small sugar bowl and some cream for our coffees. I really wish he would put some clothes on, at least a shirt or something but he doesn’t seem to be too eager to do so.
“ Hmm this is good,” he says after taking a sip of the coffee. “So why the change of heart?”
