by Alina Man
The drive home was uneventful; I knew the streets like the back of my hand and could’ve made the drive with my eyes closed. The closer I got, the more excited I became. Most of the parking spots were taken and after looking around the block for a while, I finally found a tight spot. While we did not have an assigned parking, I never had a hard time finding one in front of our building. As I walked inside, I could feel a smile creeping slowly on my face. I took the elevator to the third floor and shook my head to the beat of the music playing in the background. It was good to be home.
That’s what I thought until I got to our apartment door. Booming music was seeping through the walls making me wonder if maybe I got off on the wrong floor. Joe was never the party type and even on the rare occasion when we had friends over, he never liked to have the music on too loud. I unlocked the door cautiously ready to find some intruders taking advantage of our place. Instead I was greeted by a house full of strangers and thanks to the open floor, I spotted Joe immediately sitting by the window sipping wine while a very curvaceous girl was leaning in whispering sweet nothings into his ear. I stood there by the door, frozen in place, not knowing what I should do next. No one bothered to notice me and I swallowed a scream that was threatening to escape my throat.
The door closed behind me with a loud thump and Joe’s eyes met mine. We looked at each other for a moment and like the professional that he is, he gave me one of his bright smiles and walked up to me, engulfing me in his arms.
“Babe, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
“And miss surprising you?” I answered my voice full of sarcasm.
“Now don’t be like that. I had a long week and we won a big case so we were just celebrating.”
I pushed myself from his embrace and moved away. “Whatever. I’m too tired for this.” He didn’t say anything, nor did he come after me. So much for new beginnings. You can’t change a relationship unless both parties are willing to do so. I locked myself inside the guest bathroom and fell on the floor, my back against the door, and finally broke down. I lay on the cold tile floor with my eyes closed wishing I was anywhere but here, wishing I was little again when life was simple. I wished for things I could not have….
I don’t know how long I sat like that, all alone. I pushed my tired body up and one by one shed the crumbled clothes to the floor. I stepped into the shower under the hot spray and washed myself gently at first, then more vigorously, scrubbing away all the bad thoughts and misfortune. By the time I was done showering, the house was all quiet and I opened the bathroom door slowly, making sure I was alone. The hallway is dark and quiet and as I push my way into the living room I notice the mess left behind. I don’t even recognize this place anymore; my internal chaos is now surrounding me. I shake myself pushing away the pity party and start putting everything in its place, grabbing empty cans and cups, plates and napkins, moving the furniture around, then move to the kitchen to load the dishwasher and throw away the trash.
When Joe finally shows up the house is back to normal more or less and I’m sitting on the sofa reading a book. I look up and he starts to move towards me but stops as if something makes him change his mind. Part of me wants him to come and sit next to me so we can talk about what happened but the other part is too angry to even look at him.
“I’m sorry about tonight,” he says after a while. He looks tired, like I’ve never seen him before and so many mixed feelings rush through me. I swallow hard and try to find my voice.
“It’s ok. We can talk tomorrow.”
“Ok. Are you coming to bed?”
“In a minute,” I answer too quickly. I watch him walk away knowing too well that tomorrow we won’t talk, or the day after. Tomorrow was Monday and that meant only one thing. Life was going to go back to the same monotonous routine, long working hours and we’ll only get snippets of free time to spend together. Just as well, I thought. I grabbed my cell phone and looked back at the old messages. Gigi was the first I was going to text.
Me – hey Gigi, so sorry for not saying goodbye but you know how it is. I hope you can forgive me and if you do I promise to come see you soon. I really enjoyed spending time with you and your son. Take care <3
I waited a few minutes wondering if she was going to reply but then I realize what time it was. I’m sure she was already fast asleep by now. Noah’s text was next in line yet I couldn’t find the right words to say to him. He was always good to me when we were kids and seeing him after all that time really made me feel things I hadn’t felt for a while. He felt safe and warm and wonderful. His last text was very brief letting me know he found something that I needed and he didn’t know if he should send it to me or bring it to Boston himself. I didn’t know what it meant but it terrified me for some reason. I started texting him with shaky hands, biting my bottom lip until I could taste the salty blood.
Me – hi. Got your message and was wondering what exactly is it that you found? I’ll try to call you tomorrow from work. Thanks for everything.
I threw the phone as if it was burning my fingertips and felt immediately silly. Just as I was about to turn off the lamp and go to bed, the buzzing sound from my phone broke the silence. I stood motionless staring at the phone when another buzz makes me jump from my skin. I picked it up and Noah’s name comes into view.
Noah – what are you doing up so late
Noah – I know you’re there
Me – hey
Noah – you’re up. Not tired after the long week you had?
Me – yes I am. I was about to go to bed. What is it that you found?
Noah – can I call you?
I thought about it for a second. What if Joe wakes up? How do I explain phone call in the middle of the night? Before I could think about it, my fingers typed “yes” and I pressed send. I picked up on the first ring.
“Hi,” he said. His voice was raspy and sexy and made me feel like a teenager all giddy and silly. Crazy stupid girl.
“Hey. So, are you going to tell me?” I was anxious to find out already.
“Listen I don’t want you to freak out but when I got back to the house I wanted to make sure all the windows were closed and that the fire was out and I went to the attic since the light was on. I don’t remember leaving the light on, do you?” I didn’t answer because I was getting chills thinking about that room. When I didn’t say anything he continued. “Well everything was a mess Bren, everything. The boxes were turned upside-down, papers and clothes thrown all around the room, but check this out, smack down in the middle of the mess there was a neat stack of letters. I believe that’s what Sonia wanted you to find.”
Chapter 10.
I couldn’t breathe. All the air had left my lungs and I was going to die a slow agonizing death. I pushed my head between my legs to get the blood flowing again and tried to breathe slowly, short breaths one after the other. I could hear Noah’s voice but could not find mine to answer him.
“Do you want me to mail them to you?” he asked and waited for me to answer. Did I? Did I even want to read the stupid letters? Didn’t curiosity kill the cat?
“Yes please,” I said finally. I gave him the address to my apartment then thanked him again for his help. After the phone call I stayed up most of the night thinking about my nana, wondering about all the things that were left unsaid. The perfect childhood I thought I had, was now being tested by all the questions running through my head. I pressed my fingertips to my temples and closed my eyes. I had to find a way to get through this on my own. There was no one left; I was officially an orphan.
The next day I woke up with a throbbing headache and wished it was Sunday. I opened one eye and instantly freaked out when I noticed how bright the room was. It had to be way past eight o’clock and I instantly became angry with Joe for not waking me up before he left. He usually liked to watch the morning local news while drinking his first cup of coffee but obviously today must’ve been different. I jumped up and looked at my phone and sure thing, it was al
most nine. After a quick call to my boss, I rushed to get ready and was out the door in minutes without bothering with makeup or doing anything with my hair.
I felt really tired as I walked into work and in dire need of some very strong coffee. There were hushed conversations as I passed by some of the front offices and I tried to ignored them all. I knew they felt bad for me but what could they possibly say to me to make it better? My cubicle was close to the lunch room so after I dropped my stuff on the desk, I stepped inside to make my coffee. Seeing my boss already there made me cringe knowing she was going to want to talk to me.
“Hi honey, how are you?” How was I? Hmm that was going to be hard to answer. “Listen, why don’t you grab a cup and come to my office. We have lots to talk about.” I watched her walk away and stood in front of the coffee machine for a few seconds, frozen in place like a statue. I made a large strong cup of coffee and moved between the crowded cubs towards my boss’ office. I knocked softly and walked inside.
“Take a seat sweetie. When did you get home?”
“Last night. I almost took another week off,” I give her a weak smile.
“You take all the time you need. Did Joe go with you?” I chewed the inside of my cheek wondering if I should tell the truth or just try and change the subject.
“He couldn’t, he was working on a very important case. You know how it is.”
“I sure know how it is. He is a dog, that’s what. No, listen” she said and raised her hand to stop me from interrupting. “This was a very hard time for you. I don’t care if he was running for president; you should be his number one priority. Honey if he doesn’t put you first while you’re dating, what will happen after you get married?”
We sat in awkward silence, making me feel sick to my stomach. “What do you want me to say Angel? Yes you are right but honestly I don’t want to talk about Joe.”
“I’m sorry; sometimes I forget you’re not my kid,” she laughs. “So is everything settled then? Do you need to go back?”
“Not sure but if it turns out that I do, I’ll just try to go over the weekend so I don’t miss any more days.”
“Look, this month is pretty slow so don’t worry about it. You know you can always talk to me right? About anything.”
I knew that; she was always so good to me and most of the time treated me like I was her own daughter. I got up and gave her a quick hug before returning to my cube.
That first week after my grandma’s passing I did everything to keep my mind busy and not think about her. I asked Angel for extra work, doing as much overtime as I could without neglecting Joe. I cooked every night and re-organized our apartment from top to bottom. Anything to avoid the pain that was slowly building inside.
Joe was never home nowadays in spite of my attempts to get him to spend more time together. I wanted us to try to work things out, to go back to that happy place we once had. Unfortunately he didn’t seem to think we had problems. Maybe he was right and I was just overreacting.
By the second week the depression was starting to creep back in. It happened on a Thursday morning while I was sitting at my desk at work. The usual office noise seemed louder today. I stared at the monitor trying to figure out what to do next. Things that I enjoyed a few weeks ago were now getting on my nerves, making me irritable. I grabbed my bag and without a glance back I did what I knew best; I ran.
I kept running until I was out in the open, surrounded by the strangers and the crazy street noise. I covered my ears and looked around for an escape. What was going on with me? All of the sudden even the open space felt claustrophobic. I pushed my way through the crowded street and walked the few steps down to the subway station. The loud voices followed me inside, grabbing hold of my brain making me nauseous.
The trip home was torture and as I stepped inside my apartment I collapsed to the floor and finally let go of the sob I’ve been holding the entire morning. I finally broke down. The regret I felt was slowly killing me from the inside. I was missing her more and more each day and wanted nothing but to take the time back and have another chance to make it right. To tell her just how much I missed her, how knowing that she was there, even at a distance, got me through my day.
I wanted to tell her that for the past few years I was living with depression, too embarrassed to tell anyone about it. I wanted to tell her I loved her more than life itself and I would do anything to get her back. I wasn’t ready to let her go, not yet. I screamed and tried to push the hurt out as the pain exploded through my entire body. I can’t tell how long I was on the floor. I turned on my back and looked up at the ceiling trying to see something that wasn’t there. I wanted her to see her face. I needed to see her.
The knob turning broke the spell and I glance towards the door without bothering to get up. I didn’t care who was at the door. Joe walked in and stopped dead in his tracks as his eyes found mine.
“Babe are you ok? What are you doing on the floor, are you hurt?” he asked and rushed to my side. I couldn’t speak without crying again so I just shook my head. “Do you want me to take you to the doctor?” I thought for a moment. Did I want to see a doctor? A silly question but the truth was that I needed to see one. I gave him a small nod and he picked me up then walked to the living room to seat me on the sofa. “I’m going to call Dr. Cruz and see if he can see you today.”
I heard him make the call and felt numb from the inside. The pain was no longer there, just numbness. Joe came back with a glass of water and two small pills and I drank them up without question. “Honey the doctor will meet us at his office in one hour. Do you want to change or something? Wanna eat?” I shook my head once again and closed my eyes suddenly feeling tired. I wanted to sleep so badly, to sleep and dream of a different life where things were back to the way I wanted them to be.
We drove to the doctor’s office in silence. I couldn’t remember the last time I came here but I didn’t like the place at all. Dr. Cruz was Joe’s physician and I guess a family friend. There was something about him that made me feel uneasy, always touching me more than he should and watching me with lustful eyes. Joe spoke to the young receptionist and then helped me walk inside the office. Dr. Cruz was already up on his feet coming to greet us.
“What do we have here today?” His question made me giggle and that turned into full blown laughter. I couldn’t stop and both were watching me like I was a crazy monkey doing splits.
“I found her on the floor and she hasn’t said a word the whole time. Her grandma passed away a few weeks ago so maybe that has something to do with this.”
“Brenda, can you hear me?” Dr. Cruz asked, touching my face. I flinched and slapped his hand away, while I continued to laugh hysterically. “Joe she’s having a nervous breakdown. I’m afraid you’ll have to take her to the hospital. I’m going to give her a shot to calm her down.” I closed my eyes again and let him shoot the warm liquid through my vein. The sleepiness was back, making my arms and legs feeling weird and heavy. I liked it.
I woke up in a hospital bed dressed in a blue hospital gown, the IV tube stuck to my arm. The grogginess was heavily present, like a relaxing blanket covering every inch of my body.
“Ah you’re up,” a cherry nurse spoke as she walked inside with a tray. “I have your dinner for you but first I will need you to take your medicine, alright?” I wanted to tell her to take the medicine and shove it but I did not have the strength to argue. One by one she placed the pills on my tongue, lifting a water cup to my lips to help me drink. “Can you feel your arms sweetie? Think you can feed yourself or do you need help?” I raised my right arm and tried to pick up the plastic spoon but the heaviness was making it impossible to do so. I shook my head and dropped my head back on the pillow. “No worries. You’ll feel better by tomorrow. In the meantime I’m here to help you.”
The food was tasteless and I had a hard time swallowing. The nice nurse gave up after the third try and walked away leaving me in the dark cold room. The television was on, with the soun
d muted, not that it really mattered. The heart monitor and some other machine were the only noise in the room making it all eerie. There was no sign of Joe.
When I woke up again it was light out and I had to squint to look around the room. The brightness was making me dizzy, or maybe it was the pills they kept feeding me. Aside from bringing me food and medicine, no one bothered me. I had no visitors, at least none that I could recall. I didn’t want to be in the hospital, I had no reason to be except that I was nothing but a shell without a voice.
That afternoon I finally had a visit from Joe. He did not stay long and kept changing the subject when I tried to tell him to take me home. I had so much anger inside towards him and by the time he left I found myself pulling at the IV and trying to get out of bed. I ended up on the floor, hurting myself in the process. After the nice nurses placed me back on my bed of torture and another IV was inserted in my already purple looking hand I closed my eyes and started thinking of an escape plan.
My chances of getting out of the hospital on my own were slim to none and from Joe’s visit I knew he was not going to help me. I was not crazy but the pills were slowly taking control of my mental state. If he only had listened to me when I tried to tell him how much I was hurting inside this wouldn’t have happened. I thought about my nana, and Gigi, and Noah, and Angel. The people that loved me, the people I kept at a distance.
