Maggie sighed. “I wish I didn’t.”
“You shouldn’t wish that, Maggie,” Doc said gently. “David is still in a tremendously vulnerable place. His mind didn’t grow in the collective, which means, emotionally, he’s still a teenager. He’s still figuring himself and his universe out. You may be an emotional crutch for him, but it’s one he truly needs right now.”
Maggie glanced sideways at him. “It’s causing trouble with Marcus.”
Doc nodded. “I’ve noticed. Maggie, you do realize those problems aren’t truly about you.”
Maggie opened her mouth to object, but Doc raised his hands.
“I know Marcus pounces on it each time it happens. I know it certainly isn’t helping things. But their conflict is rooted in what happened when they were still boys. David’s betrayal, and their father’s early death.”
Maggie blew out her breath. “Yeah. I know you’re right. Why can’t Marcus forgive David? He told me what happened before, and I get it, but he seems determined to not let David off the hook. It happened so long ago. David is here now, and helping us. Why can’t Marcus take that into account?”
“Try not to judge Marcus too harshly,” Doc said quietly, looking wary. “You’ve never known the betrayal of a sibling.”
“I know,” Maggie said. “I keep thinking that too. I don’t know how I’d react if Jonah betrayed me in that way.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, I’m on a mission, Doc. I’m gonna get Marcus and David to forgive one another if it’s the last thing I do.”
Doc’s face broke into a sad smile. “An admirable mission, Maggie. I’m behind you one hundred percent. Let me know if I can help.”
Maggie twisted her lips. Nothing she’d done so far had worked. She had no idea what to try next. “Can you clunk their heads together like naughty little boys and make them get along?”
Doc chuckled. Then the mirth slid off his face. “If the universe worked like that, we wouldn’t be fighting a war against Bartholomew.” His voice sounded somber.
Maggie’s chest instantly filled with guilt. When he’d said the thing about betrayal by a sibling, it hadn’t been about her and Jonah. He’d meant himself. He, like Marcus, knew exactly what the betrayal of a brother felt like. “I’m so sorry, Doc. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
He gave her a reassuring smile. “You don’t need to be sorry, Maggie. The universe is what it is. The bonds between siblings…I don’t think we’ll ever entirely define them.”
Doc clapped his hands together. “There. I think we’re ready. Before we get started, you said you wanted to talk to me about something. What is it?”
“Right.” Maggie swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up straighter. “Do you remember the flashbacks I had before? Fragments of memories I saw, before the Remembrancer restored them?”
Doc nodded. “Of course.”
“Well I’ve…seen more. I’m not sure these new ones are memories. I’ve run them past Lila and Marcus, and they don’t remember the events.”
Doc raised an eyebrow. “Are they personal moments? The kinds of things other members of the team might not have been privy to when they happened?”
“Some of them could be,” Maggie admitted. “Others definitely aren’t. One involves Karl being seriously injured. Everyone would remember that. I don’t know if they’re dreams, visions, figments of my imagination.” She let out a frustrated breath. “I hoped to run them by you. Get your take on them.”
Doc nodded. “Of course. He turned the chair in front of his computer to faced Maggie. “What about the previous flashbacks? With your memories restored, have you figured them all out?”
“Actually…no. When the memories returned, the flashes didn’t. Everything that happened on the ship is still a blank. I have figured out more about the flashes, though.”
Doc nodded, as though he’d expected as much. “Tell me.”
Maggie cleared her throat and described each of the flashes, as she had for Marcus. Doc listened intently, interrupting only once. When Maggie said David had helped her recover more of the memories, Doc asked how.
She shrugged. “He told me to hold the image in my mind. I guess I kind of focused on exterior details, rather than the central image, and it helped.”
“Good,” Doc nodded approvingly. “A healthy way to regain memories, and not so different from what we’ll be doing today. My abilities will simply help focus and streamline the process.”
Maggie continued until she’d described all the flashes. Doc’s reactions mirrored what those of the others had been: shock and fear when she described the one of Karl bleeding, worry when she described Lila and Joan’s tears, and general bewilderment about them as a whole.
“What can you tell me of the parchment, Doc?” Maggie asked when she’d finished. “Have you ever burned parchment by candlelight before?”
Doc shrugged. “Many times. But not in recent years. Not any time I remember you being present. Not since long before I met you, as far as I remember.”
“Well, you see my dilemma. Are they dreams? Phantoms?”
Doc hesitated, frowning at the floor. “I don’t know what they mean, Maggie, yet I’m sure they aren’t insignificant. I don’t believe in coincidence, so these must mean something.”
Maggie laid back on the bed again. “The Remembrancer said memories are like rivers of identity that seep into our pores. Until I figure out these flashes, I feel like I’m missing parts of myself, Doc.”
“Not necessarily, Maggie. As you said, we can’t be certain they’re memories. Pieces of a puzzle to be sure. We can’t even know what the finished picture is. Besides, I don’t believe identity—or memories—ever truly disappear. They can be gone. Obviously. Yet evidence of them remains. There’s cellular memory, for one thing. Parts of who you are, coded into your very cells. You said you felt empty, after losing your memories and being returned your own time. If the memories had completely gone, you shouldn’t have missed anything. Parts of them remained, which made you aware.
“Think of the river. A river can run dry, and the water truly disappears, but the evidence of it remains. A dry river bed. Skeletons of plant life that have died off without the nourishing water. Without the river, the plants wouldn’t have grown in the first place. So echoes of the river remain. Nothing that’s created ever vanishes completely.”
“Do you think these flashes are echoes of…something?”
“Perhaps. The question is what. Not having the answers to them doesn’t change who you are. You’re still Maggie. You’re still the Executioner, and the key to the prophecy. Your friends and family still feel the same way about you, and you fall back into the same relationships with them.” He glanced up at her in a speculative way. “You’re still…a Traveler.”
Maggie froze, sliding her glance toward him, thinking of the blue and white ribbons of energy she’d seen around Kristee each time they’d Traveled. “Because I saw Kristee’s Traveling energy?”
“You wouldn’t be able to see it if you couldn’t do it, Maggie,” he said quietly. “Ask Karl, if you don’t believe me,” he added when she didn’t answer right away.
“I believe you, Doc. How can I have an ability I didn’t have before?”
He smiled ruefully. “I don’t know, Maggie. If you had the ability before, you would have seen the energy around Karl. Perhaps you did, and simply didn’t mention it?”
“I don’t remember ever hiding anything from the team. I know I don’t have all my memories, but I don’t think I would have.”
“Neither do I,” Doc said softly.
“Besides, you’ve scanned by brain dozens of times, haven’t you? Wouldn’t you have felt the ability?”
“Not if you were purposely Concealing it.”
Maggie frowned. “Is that possible?”
“Only by Deceivers. Like Colin. It’s how he kept his true nature from us for so long.”
“So now I’m a Traveler and a Deceiver. What are th
e chances of that, Doc?”
“What are the chances of you spontaneously growing the ability to Travel?” Doc shrugged.
Maggie let her head fall back in exasperation. This conversation became more frightening by the sentence.
“Keep in mind, having a Traveling ability doesn’t mean you’re on par with Karl. I’ve heard of Travelers whose abilities were so small, they could only jump backward or forward minutes at a time.”
“So what does it mean, Doc? Do you have any theories?”
Doc shook his head. “None that make sense, even in my head.”
Maggie’s shoulders slumped.
“But more abilities give you more of an advantage, Maggie. Try to see it as a good thing. Something that will aid you in fulfilling the prophecy.”
“I’ll try,” she said doubtfully, though it did make her feel marginally better. “Do you think it has anything to do with dark matter? What Benny said about becoming the darkness. Do you think his sister and father really created black holes? Does a person need to be able to manipulate dark matter to do that?”
Doc smiled affectionately at her. “I think you’re asking yourself the same questions I’m asking myself, and you have no more answers than I do.”
Maggie sighed. “So this,” she waved vaguely toward the machine, “what we’re doing. What did you call it?”
Doc raised an eyebrow. “You don’t remember the process?”
Maggie suppressed a groan. “Should I?”
Doc gave her a reassuring smile. “You were familiar with it before. It’s called Digging.”
“I’m not familiar anymore,” Maggie said with a resigned sigh. “Will it be as effective as—” she cut off, knowing he wouldn’t like what she’d been about to say.
Doc raised an eyebrow. “As what?” When she didn’t answer, understanding came into his face. “We can’t force memories, Maggie,” he said firmly. “It’s dangerous. Any information we get from it wouldn’t be reliable. We can’t go about it that way.”
Maggie sighed. “That’s what the others have said. And I’m not disagreeing. I’m just…saying.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Saying what?”
Maggie took a deep breath. “When we forced the memory, I saw more of B and I in the round room. When I described it to you just now? I didn’t have all of that before Kristee helped me force it. I get that it’s dangerous, but it worked. Or was about to. If David hadn’t gotten there just then. If he’d let it go just another few minutes…”
“You could have brain damage,” Doc said firmly. “We can’t do it again.”
“I’m not suggesting we do,” she said defensively.
He raised an eyebrow at her.
“This monster Benny described,” she said “with the gray skin, who can assimilate with thought? You said if he dug through memories, he might be able to find the location of Interchron. How is Digging different from forcing a memory?”
Doc studied her for moment before answering. “Digging is sifting through memories you already have. Forcing the memory is trying to bring something out that isn’t ready to come out. It forces the brain to do something it’s not ready for. That’s why it causes damage. Digging only looks at what’s already there.”
Maggie nodded. “Okay, but the Remembrancer said she would put the memories back in my head, right? So technically they’re there. I can’t bring them to the surface yet, but maybe someone else could. Could someone Dig through my mind and find them?”
Doc looked thoughtful, but shook his head. “Viewing memories is a neurochemical ability. Karl’s mother could do it, to an extent, but I don’t think we’ve had anyone who can since she passed. No one currently living in Interchron has the ability.”
Maggie sighed. “If we could find someone who does, it might shed some light.”
Doc nodded. “It’s a shot in the dark, but I’ll tell the Seekers to try and focus on that ability. Maybe they’ll come across the ability in someone on the outside. For now, we have to do things the old-fashioned way.” He stood and went to the head of the bed where the computer was situated.
“Which is what, exactly?” she asked, folding her legs Indian-style and swinging around to face him.
“The computer is programmed to trigger impulses in your brain. We’ll focus in on memories that lead up to the ones on the ship. The ones closest to those you are missing. The computer will trigger memories of sights, smells, and other sensory information in your brain. Hopefully it will naturally flow toward those blocked memories. It’s a safe, natural way to steer your brain toward revealing those dark spots for us.”
Maggie nodded. “Anything else I should know before we start?”
“It often has unexpected consequences.”
Maggie turned in surprise toward the unexpected male voice. David stood, framed in the doorway. She frowned, wondering why he’d returned so quickly.
“What do you mean, ‘unexpected consequences?’” Maggie asked.
David shrugged. “You start digging around in your brain, firing all kinds of sensory impulses, it may bring other things to the surface. Things you didn’t intend. And you can…cross-wire things.”
“Cross-wire?” Maggie asked.
David looked frustrated. His verbal speech was practically impeccable now, but he sometimes still had a hard time explaining himself.
“Give me an example,” Maggie prodded. He always seemed better able to explain the practical than the esoteric, though he understood both better than most people.
After a moment, David nodded. “If you fire an impulse that triggers, say, something olfactory, your brain will seize on that sensation to try and follow it to a memory. If you go back to it over and over and over again, you’ll always associate the smell with either the recovered memory, or the experience of trying to recover it.” He shrugged in an offhand way. “Not necessarily a bad thing, but something to be aware of.”
Maggie frowned. “Could it be used for something bad?”
Doc opened his mouth, but David spoke first. “Sure. If you purposely paired a sensation with something negative, you could torture someone with it. Just a particularly brutal form of Pavlov's dog experiment.”
“That’s not going to happen here,” Doc said gently. “These are very controlled circumstances. I won’t let anything even remotely negative enter in.”
“I know that, Doc,” she smiled at him reassuringly. “I trust you.”
He smiled back, then turned to David. “Come back to watch us work?
David cleared his throat. “No. I was going to check on Lila and Jonah’s progress,” David said. “Lila met me on the way. She said something’s wrong with Jonah. Something going on in his brain she doesn’t understand. She’s fearful of doing anything more without your help. Something about causing him pain. She returned to Jonah, but asked me to come get you.”
Doc frowned, looking down at the computer he’d just finished calibrating. “Well, Maggie and I were going to,” he motioned vaguely toward the computer.
“Uh-uh,” Maggie stood as well. “Jonah first. We can recover memories later.” She turned to David. “What did Lila mean by ‘something’s wrong?’”
Chapter 11: A Gentlemen’s Agreement
May 1, 2156
There’s been a rather peculiar development in this whole Adaiah situation. I’m not sure whether it will end up being a good thing or a bad, but so far it seems to be going well.
As I wrote in my last entry, I decided to broach the subject of Adaiah and myself at dinner. I expected surprise, but didn’t get much at all. Natty simply looked down, studying his food intently. No surprise peeked through. Bart’s eyes narrowed and he muttered something under his breath I couldn’t make out. He looked angry, to be sure, but I detected no surprise from him either. It’s almost as though he expected this.
“This isn’t coming from me,” I’d pled with Bart. “These are Adaiah’s own words. Can’t you accept them?”
“What if I sa
y no,” Bart’s voice grated dangerously. Then I got the first surprise of the night when he added, “What if Natty can’t?”
I think Bart expected Nat’s feelings for Adaiah to be a revelation for me. Obviously, they weren’t. My lack of reaction seemed to anger Bart even more.
“Well,” I said, doing my best to sound calm and logical. “It seems we all feel the same way about her.” I suddenly realized how emotionally dangerous this situation had become. It could rip our brotherhood apart. “We can’t let this come between us,” I said, with far more confidence than I felt. “So, what can we do?”
“You can back off,” Bart snarled.
I merely stared at him, hoping to convey that that wouldn’t solve anything. Eventually he dropped his eyes, though he still seethed anger.
“Shouldn’t we let her decide?” Natty asked quietly.
I look over at him. He kept his eyes on his plate.
“It’s her life,” Natty went on. “What if we simply each spend some time with her? Equal amounts. Then she can choose between us.” Natty raised his eyes to mine. “And the other two in the group will agree to accept her decision, no matter who it is.”
I immediately liked the idea, and said so. “A gentleman’s agreement, Brahm Stoker-style. I like it, Natty. Bart? Will you agree to this?”
It really all hinged on him. He’s the one most likely to refuse.
After what felt like hours of Natty and I glaring at him, Bart finally nodded. “I agree.”
The relief was palpable. I sat down and we finished our supper in silence.
As I said before, I’m not sure how this will play out, or if it will end up being a good thing. In truth, my agreement to this arrangement was entirely self-serving. Adaiah has already expressed her interest in me, personally. I had it on good authority she would choose me.
I spoke with her today and she’s agreed to spend time with each of my brothers for the sake of appearances, but told me in no uncertain terms that it was me she wanted. Despite already knowing that’s how she felt, I still felt relieved.
Dark Matter (Interchron Book 3) Page 16
