aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6

aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 Page 2

by Arlene Chance

  Doesn’t everybody take peeks in the locker room? And all I felt towards Asher, Jesse, and Zack was friendship.

  Right? Thoughts of wrestling with Asher flashed through my mind. Enjoying the closeness of his body, trying to hide a hard-on. I shook my head to clear the images and hoped I wasn’t blushing.

  He was still smiling.

  “Why are you smiling?” I asked testily.

  Seth laughed. “I dunno. It’s better than crying.”

  I glanced down at my watch and gasped. “Whoa, I’m late. I gotta go or I’m gonna be dog meat.” I pulled out my wallet and threw some money on the table, enough 14

  Bleeding Hearts

  to cover my part of the bill. “Bye, dude. See ya in school tomorrow.”

  “Okay,” he called after me, “See ya, Killer!”

  I stopped in the doorway and smiled back at him.

  Killer...I liked it!

  15

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  CHAPTER TWO

  I drove home as quickly as I dared without risking a speeding ticket. That was the last thing I needed at this point.

  As soon as I walked through the door, Dad was waiting.

  “Thanks for the call,” he said tightly, “Always nice to know to where my only son is.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad,” I said quickly, “It was stupid of me.

  I had a fight with Asher, Jesse, and Zack, and I needed some time by myself so I went to the beach. I lost track of time.”

  “Your mother was worried,” he said in that same carefully controlled voice. My father almost never raised his voice.

  I looked over at her; she didn’t look all that worried.

  The only thing that ever worries her is when Dad is late for dinner.

  “Well, don’t just stand there, hurry up and wash up for dinner. It’s going to get cold,” he snapped.

  I rushed upstairs and threw my backpack on the bed, then hurriedly washed my hands before rushing back down. My parents were already at the table. Dinner conversation was strained as it was more often than not.

  But if I thought it was bad before, it was about to get worse.

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  Bleeding Hearts

  “Buck Phillips called me this afternoon,” he started.

  Buck was Zack’s father. That caught my attention. I looked up from my spaghetti. “He said there’s a homosexual at your school now.” He pronounced it Ho Mo Sex You Al, over enunciating each syllable.

  Mom’s eyes flickered over to me for a second before fixing back on her object of worship. I wondered what that meant.

  “You know anything about it, son?” he continued.

  “I met him, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said softly.

  “You met it?” he seemed almost incredulous, as if I had said I ate lunch with the Pope.

  “No, I met him. He’s a human being. His name is Seth,” I said fighting hard to maintain my temper. It wouldn’t be good to lose my temper at the dinner table.

  Then again, it was never good to lose my temper with my father.

  “He’s not a human being,” he sneered, “It’s unnatural. Don’t you even tell me you’re a fairy lover, boy.

  You stay away from him.”

  I stared hard at my spaghetti, “Yes, sir.”

  I managed to gag down the rest of my dinner somehow, although it was almost more than I could take even to sit at the same table with him, I was so angry. He continued to expand on his theory that gays and lesbi-ans were the downfall of modern society. As soon as I had eaten enough to politely be excused I headed straight for my room. I had my own phone line and I immediately called Asher. I hoped they hadn’t left yet.

  Even though I wasn’t real close to any of the guys, I was closest to Asher and I needed to talk to someone.

  “Hello?” he answered on the third ring.

  “Asher,” I started, “I’m sorry about today in the parking lot.”

  “Man, what happened?” he said.

  “I don’t know. I just get so tired of hearing that kind 17

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  of crap from my dad...I just didn’t want to hear it from you guys, I guess.”

  “But dude, he’s gay.”

  “So what? Why does that make him a lesser human being?” I was starting get angry again.

  “Whoa, man, calm down. I dunno. I’m not saying he’s like a lesser human being or anything. I just don’t want him to make any moves on me, you know? Or you either. I gotta protect my buds, you know.”

  “I spent all afternoon with him and he didn’t make any moves on me,” I said surprising myself. I hadn’t planned to tell him.

  “You what?” Asher yelled.

  “Shhh,” I hissed, “I said I spent all afternoon with him.”

  “Is that why you didn’t want to go with the guys?”

  “No, I didn’t plan it. I was upset after the scene in the parking lot and I just needed some time alone so I went to the beach. I ran into Seth there. We started talking and we ended up getting some pizza.”

  “Whoa. You went a on date with him.”

  “I DID NOT GO ON A DATE WITH HIM,” I screeched.

  “Shhh,” it was his turn to warn me, “Sorry, dude. I was kidding. So what’s he like? Is he, like, all feminine?”

  “No, not at all. He’s really nice. I actually had fun.”

  “Man, I wouldn’t talk about this in front of Zack or Jesse. You know how they are.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled, “I wasn’t even gonna tell you. It just kinda slipped out.”

  “Well, make sure it don’t slip out in front of the wrong people,” he warned me.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “So did he say why he decided to be gay?” he asked.

  “It’s not like that, Ash. You don’t decide to be gay, either you are or you aren’t. Trust me, after hearing what 18

  Bleeding Hearts

  all he’s been through I definitely don’t think he chose it.”“What do you mean?”

  “Well, I don’t want to talk about stuff he told me, you know?”

  “Oh yeah, that’s cool.”

  “It was just some really bad stuff that happened to him because he came out.”

  “Came out? Now you’re starting to sound like ‘em,”

  he chuckled. I laughed too. “Look, man, I’m still not comfortable with this by a long shot, but whatever you do, don’t hang out with him at school too much. I know you like to be different and challenge the status quo, but this could get you hurt.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look, Zack just pulled up so I gotta go. We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay.”

  “Great, see ya later,” and he was gone.

  I lay back on the bed, more confused than ever. Everybody seemed to think that I should avoid Seth. I thought about how I felt, always getting left out, always being ignored. That was bad enough. How would it feel to actively discriminated against? I didn’t even want to think about it. I made up my mind to be friendly towards Seth, but not too friendly.

  * * *

  The rest of the week was pretty much an average first week back to school — assessing the new teachers to see how much we could get away with, figuring out homework loads, etc. I talked to Seth in class even though almost no one else did. By now, the word was all over the school that Seth was gay. People gave me funny looks, but for the most part no one said anything. I didn’t go out of my way to talk to him outside of class, 19

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  but I didn’t avoid him either. It seemed like with each day that went by, Seth got a little lower, a little less animated.

  The weekend passed, or maybe I should say it passed away. It was a slow, boring death and I was actually glad to see Monday roll around. I wondered if Zack, Jesse and Asher were avoiding me. They didn’t call me the whole weekend.

  It was raining hard when school let out on Tuesday. I waited for a while by the door until it became obvious that it wasn’t going to let up, then I made a dash for my car. I jumped in, turned up the defrost and put the windshield wipers on high. I’d had to stay after to talk to
one of my teachers about a project that was due Friday (geez, the second week of school and I had projects due already), so I was one of the last people to leave.

  As I was leaving there was one car ahead of me. While I was pulling out I noticed someone walking on the side of the road. The car ahead of me swerved suddenly towards the person. I yelled but they swerved back away, splashing the person in the process, which was probably their goal all along, I realized belatedly. I stopped next to the now thoroughly soaked person, then saw it was Seth.

  “Seth,” I yelled, “Are you okay?”

  He turned towards my car and nodded, “Hey Killian.

  Yeah I think so. A little wet, but I’m ok”

  “A little wet?” I laughed, “Why are you walking?”

  “My Dad forgot to pick me up,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice.

  “Well hop in, I’ll drive you home.”

  He grinned at me, then ran around to the other door and jumped in.

  “You’ll have to tell me how to get there, dude,” I said once he was settled and we’d started up again. “All I know is that you live by the beach.”

  20

  Bleeding Hearts

  He gave me directions and then we talked while I drove.

  When I pulled up to his apartment building he said,

  “My dad isn’t home. His car’s gone. You wanna come up for a few minutes?”

  I thought for a minute then turned the car off. I looked over at him and smiled. “Sure!”

  We ran into the house and Seth slammed the door then slumped against it. I looked over at him and couldn’t help but laugh. He was completely soaked from head to toe. Water dripped off of him, forming a puddle around his feet. His hair was slicked down and his clothes drooped, soggy with the rain.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked me.

  “You look like a drowned rat,” I said in between laughing.

  “What exactly does a drowned rat look like anyway?”

  “I dunno,” I gasped, “But you sure look like one.”

  “Very funny,” he said even though he was smiling too, “I wonder where my dad is?”

  He went off down the hall, leaving a trail of water on the hardwood floor for me to follow — which I did, feeling a bit like Hansel and Gretel — into the kitchen.

  Seth was reading a note and dripping all over the table and floor.

  “He got an emergency call from Steve, that’s his friend. He said he’ll call later tonight, but he probably won’t get home till tomorrow.”

  He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a couple root beers, the kind that comes in the brown glass bottles. “You like root beer?” he asked me.

  “I love it,” I said.

  “Well, here ya go,” he handed me a bottle and started for the door. He called over his shoulder, “The living room is across the hall, dude, make yourself at home.

  I’m gonna go change and be right back down.”

  21

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  I went into the living room. It was furnished with worn, but comfortable looking furniture, a nice entertainment system, and pictures of Seth everywhere.

  Books were strewn about liberally. It was a very comfortable room.

  I walked around the room looking at the pictures and Seth seemed to grow up before my eyes. There was a woman in some of them, I assumed his mother, and a man in other, his father. I went over to the entertain-ment center and looked over their video selection —

  Sleepless in Seattle, Armageddon, Ghost, Air Force One, The Object of My Affection, Beaches, You’ve Got Mail, all the Naked Gun movies. I liked their taste.

  “See anything you wanna watch?” Seth said suddenly, making me jump. He started laughing.

  “Geez, sneak up on me why don’t you?” I laughed too. He had changed into black running shorts and a plain white T-shirt. He’d dried his hair but he apparently hadn’t brushed it. It was standing up in every direction, as it usually did.

  “Sorry, I didn’t put my wet shoes back on so I guess you didn’t hear me coming in just my socks.”

  “Obviously, I don’t usually jump and breathe heavy just because you enter the room,” I joked.

  “My loss,” he said with a shy grin.

  I blinked in surprise for a minute, not sure what to say. Was he hitting on me?

  “Killian, I was kidding,” he said after an awkward pause.

  “Oh, sorry,” I mumbled, “Maybe I better go.”

  “No, please stay for awhile. We can play a game or something. I have N64. Do you like Zelda?”

  “Yeah,” I said slowly. I thought for a few seconds while Seth stood there looking miserable.

  “Okay,” I said finally, “But let me call my parents so they won’t freak out.”

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  Bleeding Hearts

  I crossed my fingers and dialed, then waited while holding my breath. Thankfully mom answered. She accepted the fact that I wouldn’t be home till later without any questions. They would come later from dad, but I would think of something before then.

  “It’s cool,” I told him.

  “YES!” he shouted, “Killer’s the man!”

  We played Zelda and talked about nothing for a few hours. Then suddenly Seth announced that he was hun-gry so we ended up back in the kitchen. He made us both lunchmeat sandwiches and we sat at the table while we ate.

  “Well I don’t seem to have made many friends in my first week of school,” he said as I took a huge bite.

  We sat in silence while I chewed, which gave me a chance to think of what to say.

  “No, not many,” I said, “but you made one at least —

  me.”

  He smiled and almost looked like he was going to cry for a few seconds. I hoped like crazy he wouldn’t. I hate it when people cry. It always makes me want to cry too. My dad always yells at me for being a sissy and crying too much.

  “Thanks, Killian,” he said with a slightly husky voice,

  “That means a lot. Probably more than you know.”

  “I think I have an idea.”

  We ate the rest of our sandwiches in silence.

  “I don’t get it,” he said suddenly.

  “Get what?”

  “I don’t get why you grew up in the same town as all these other kids but you’re the only one who doesn’t treat me like some kind of pariah.”

  I shrugged. I didn’t understand it myself. I was risking a lot just by being Seth’s friend. For some reason, the risk seemed worth it to me.

  “Do you know what your name means?” he asked 23

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  me out of nowhere.

  “No, I think it’s the name of a beer, but I don’t what it means. Why?”

  “Cuz I do,” he said.

  “What? What does it mean? And how do you know?”

  I asked. This was taking a very weird turn.

  “I looked it up, there’s a site on the Internet where you can look up names and find out what they mean.

  Killian means ‘blind’.”

  “Blind? What kind of a name is that?”

  “What’s your middle name?”

  “Travers, but I still don’t get blind.” I was struck by the utter weirdness of having a name that means

  “blind”.

  “Maybe it’s symbolic,” he said softly.

  “Symbolic? Symbolic of what? My glasses?” I scoffed.

  “No, of your inability to see yourself.”

  Whoa, now we had gone from weird to bizarre. If I wasn’t careful, before long he’d be calling me Grass-hopper and telling me I need to have patience.

  “You’re weirding me out, dude,” I said, “I can see myself just fine, thank you.”

  “Not really,” he said, “Not the way I see you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I see you differently than I think you see yourself.

  Look, I haven’t known you for that long, but I can tell that you don’t think very much of yourself; and yet you’re smart, funny, kind, and not to mention drop-dead gorgeous. But you hide behind those glasses and your friends, and no one ever gets to know you. And besides all that
, you don’t even let yourself see the real you. You’ve buried it beneath so many layers you’ve forgotten it’s there.”

  My head was reeling. I think I was on overload. My mind had heard everything but certain phrases kept echoing through my brain. Drop-dead gorgeous. Me?

  24

  Bleeding Hearts

  Ha! Hide behind your friends. How do I hide? You don’t even let yourself see the real you. What the hell was that supposed to mean? I latched onto the last one.

  “What the hell do you mean by I don’t let myself see the real me?” I demanded, “If I don’t see the real me, then who does? You?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Then why don’t you introduce me? I’d like to meet myself.”

  “Okay, I will,” he said in a strange voice. It was kind of sad, but almost like he had known what would happen. “Killian Travers Kendall,” he started, “I’d like you to meet yourself.”

  Then he stood up, came around the table, leaned over me, and quickly pressed his lips against mine. For a second I was so shocked I didn’t move, then suddenly my reflexes kicked in and I shoved back so violently that my chair flipped over backwards and I sprawled across the floor.

  “What the hell was that?” I yelled.

  Seth looked like he was about to cry again but I didn’t care anymore.

  “I thought you were gay, Killian,” he said so quietly that I barely heard him. In fact, maybe I didn’t hear him right.

  “What did you say?” I asked him in a deadly calm voice. I had learned that from my father.

  “I said, I thought maybe you were gay,” tears started rolling down his cheeks, “I’m sorry, Killian, I was wrong. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me. You’re my only friend.” With that he sank down to the floor and began to sob.

  I sat across the kitchen from him and just watched him cry. I felt like I should do something but I had no clue as to what. It felt like my mind had shut down.

  Everything just went blank. I couldn’t even think clearly 25

  JOSH ATEROVIS

  enough to leave, so I just sat there. Occasionally, Seth would choke out another “I’m sorry,” in between sobs.

 

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