And then, as if my day hadnt already been crappy enough, I got into a huge fight with Zack, Asher, and Jesse, once again in the parking lot. This time they were waiting by my car when I came out. I eyed them suspiciously as I approached. This didnt look like it would be something I would enjoy. I was starting to dread getting my car from the lot. Maybe I would start riding the bus.
Whats with the welcome wagon? I asked when I got close enough, Did our dear old school elect you guys to the parking lot hospitality committee?
Funny, Killian, Zack said, We need to talk to you.
About what? I asked.
About Seth, Zack answered.
My eyes immediately went to Asher and he looked away, obviously uncomfortable.
What about Seth? I asked warily.
We think you are spending too much time with him.
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Too much time? I havent spent any time with him.
Asher told us about the other day. Jesse threw in smugly, as if that proved my guiltiness of some gross crime.
Oh, did he? I once again looked at Asher and he still wasnt looking at me. He seemed to have suddenly found his Airwalks quite fascinating.
Yeah, he did, Zack confirmed, And were worried that Seth is messing with your mind, turning you against us. Youve not done anything with us since school started and you met this fag.
Seth is turning me against you? I repeated. I could feel my blood pressure rising, You dont need Seth to turn me against you. You guys are doing a damn good job for yourselves!
Whats that supposed to mean? Asher spoke up for the first time.
Its supposed to mean that Im always the tag-along.
Nobody ever calls me unless nobody else is available.
It means that Im not really a part of your little group, and Im being constantly reminded of that fact. It means that nobody ever cared what I was doing or how I was doing until it started looking like I might have my own mind. It means that if I dont do exactly as you say and perform exactly as you expect me to perform, I get check-ups and lectures. Im not your friend. Im your mascot. At least Seth treats me like a person.
Youre a fag too, arent you? Zack said in the sudden silence left after my heated outburst.
Go to hell, Zack! I said between clenched teeth.
And get away from my car while youre at it or Ill run over you!
Youre gonna be sorry, Killian, Zack warned as he, Asher, and Jesse started walking away. You and your boyfriend.
* * *
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That threat echoed through my head all the way home. What did that mean, and how much did they know? I sure hoped Seth would be a good friend, because I had just alienated the only three friends Id ever had.
I went home and did all my homework for the weekend, and it was still only 4:30. I still had two and a half hours to wait before I went to meet Seth at the park.
Calling Asher was out. I never called Zack or Jesse anyway. And I didnt have any other friends. So I signed onto the net.
None of my net friends were on. I usually talked to them later at night, so I decided to look up some articles on being gay. I went to my favorite search engine and typed in gay. I was shocked when it came back with thousands and thousands of hits. Then I realized that 99% of them were porno sites. I was very curious, but I decided not to check them out. Well, maybe just one. I clicked on a link and waited. I almost fell off my chair when the site finally finished loading. I had never seen anything even close to this. I was hard in seconds; I didnt even know you could get hard that fast. My eyes almost popped out of my head, and this was just the title page. After I caught my breath again I tried clicking on the enter button. A form came up asking me to join, so I exited the whole site. No way were they getting my name, and besides, I didnt have a credit card. I sat in front of my computer with an aching hard-on trying to decide if I should try another site. I finally decided against it. I could see how that could get ad-dicting and I didnt want to tempt fate.
I signed off, stood up, and was immediately reminded of my state of arousal. Well, I thought. I guess this settles the whole gay thing. I snickered at the tent in my pants and decided to do something about it. After checking 39
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to make sure my door was locked, I stripped, lay down on my bed, and jerked off. This wasnt the first time Id ever done it by a long shot, but it was the first time Id ever allowed myself to think of guys while I did. Not that my mind hadnt tried to go there before, but Id always felt guilty and made myself think of girls from school. Talk about frustrating! I now found my mind wandering from the guys on the porno site, to Seth, and to my surprise, Asher. I quickly pushed Asher out of my thoughts since he hated me now and definitely wasnt gay anyway.
I finished and got cleaned up just as Mom called me down to dinner. I was surprised to find that it was just Mom when I got downstairs.
Wheres Dad? I asked.
He called and said he had a meeting, so its just us,
she said and smiled. My mom was very pretty in a held-back kind of way. She had me when she young, only 18, so that made her 34 now. I looked at her closely as if seeing her for the first time. She wore her straight blonde hair shoulder length and tucked behind her ears. She didnt have any wrinkles yet. Her soft blue eyes were very seldom enhanced by make-up, but they were pretty even without any. In fact, she hardly ever wore make-up at all. Suddenly, I wondered why. Dad was always asking her to. The way she did everything else he wanted. The fact that she didnt do this small thing suddenly took me by surprise. Then I thought about the whole church thing. That was another place she stood up to my father. Maybe I had been underestimating her all this time.
Why dont you wear make-up? I asked her.
She looked at me in surprise, What an odd question!
Not really. Dad is always asking you to.
She smiled a funny little smile, Then maybe thats 40
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why.
What? I was suddenly very confused. Could the chief priest at the shrine of my father really not be as devoted as she seemed?
Her smile broadened. Youve never expressed much interest in my personal appearance before. What brought this on?
I shook my head silently and she laughed. She blessed the food and we began to eat and make small talk, but my mind was busy trying to find other instances of my mothers rebellion. They were there. Id just never noticed them before. I think they call it passive-aggres-sive behavior. I suddenly had a new respect for my mother.
You dont like him very much, do you, I interrupted her in mid-sentence. I hadnt been paying attention, but I think she was talking about church.
Pastor Mason? she asked in a shocked voice.
No, Dad.
Oh, she said simply and sat there for a few seconds, fork still suspended half way between her plate and her mouth. When she spoke again, her voice was softer, so that I had to almost strain to hear her. Your father is a very difficult man, Killian. So was his father.
Ive never told you this, but I think you are old enough to handle it. We werent married when I became pregnant with you. I wouldnt even consider an abortion, so his father, your grandfather, practically forced us to get married.
She let the fork slowly drop to her plate and folded her hands in her lap before continuing. Youre right. I dont like him very much. My mother told me Id grow to love him, she paused and I could see the pain in her eyes, but it hasnt happened yet. Dont get me wrong; I dont regret having you. Youre the best thing that in my life. I see the way he treats you, and it makes my 41
JOSH ATEROVIS
heart ache. Ive always tried to make sure youve had everything you needed, everything you wanted; t
he car, the computer. She shook her head as if to say it wasnt enough.
Then why dont you leave him? I asked equally quietly.
It doesnt work that way, Killian baby, she said,
Your fathers a very powerful man in this area. Hed take you away, and Id never be able to get a job. I never finished college because I was pregnant, and your father never let me go back, so I have no marketable skills.
Im stuck. And Im afraid that means you are, too, at least for a few more years. Maybe once youre in college, Ill have the nerve to make a break for it, but I dont want you to get caught in the crossfire. It would be ugly, trust me.
I do, I told her sincerely.
She nodded and we went back to eating. The rest of the meal was somewhat solemn. I had a new image of my mother now and my respect for her had gone up considerably. All these years she had stayed in an unhappy relationship because she didnt want to lose me.
I was almost in tears. When she stood up to clear the table, I gave her a hug and insisted she let me do it.
By the time I got the dishes finished it was almost time to meet Seth at the park. I figured that by the time I walked there, it would be just about right. I could have driven, but I didnt want to get there too early and have to sit around waiting. It was almost dusk, and it was a little creepy by the pond at night.
I told Mom that I was going for a walk and left. I had plenty of time on the 15-minute walk to think about things. And I had a lot to think about. So much had happened in the last two weeks. Id realized I was gay and admitted it to myself. Id come out to one of the pastors at my church and a new friend who was also 42
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gay. Then Id alienated all my old friends, maybe for good. I had been kissed for the first time, and it was by a guy. (I wondered briefly if it counted if you hit them afterwards, but decided it did.) Then to top it all off, Id found out that my mother was a real person after all.
And I liked her.
I wondered what Seth would add to my list tonight.
Would he kiss me again? I wondered if I wanted him to. I wasnt sure. Part of me did, but part of me was scared too. I finally decided that if he did, I wouldnt stop him this time.
I was so lost in thought that I almost walked past the trail to the pond. The pond was a man-made pond that sat back in a copse of trees. The forest was small but thick with lots of undergrowth and high weeds on either side of the narrow trail that circled around the pond.
The pond itself was a green, nasty looking thing that was fed by drainage ditches. They had built cutesy little arched bridges over the ditches, but it still all looked kind of seedy and creepy, even in the middle of the day.
At night, it was downright scary.
It was just at the edge of dusk, the time when its hardest to see because everything is like an old black-and-white movie with bad contrast. I couldnt see anybody around the pond, but I couldnt be sure, so I started to walk around it. Maybe Id gotten here before Seth.
Then I thought I saw some movement on the far side of the pond. I started towards it at a faster pace as I called out in a hushed voice, Seth? If it was Seth, I thought, he would never recognize my voice. I wasnt sure why I wasnt louder, but I was feeling very terrified all of a sudden. I had goose bumps all over my arms and the hairs were standing up on the back of my neck. I almost turned and ran, but I told myself I was being stupid and kept walking toward the area where Id last seen the movement. Seth? I called again in 43
JOSH ATEROVIS
my new raspy voice.
Still no one had answered me, so I wasnt sure if Id even seen anything. When I got closer to the spot where I thought I had seen the motion, I saw something lying on the ground, so I headed in that direction. Before I could get close enough to see what it was, something suddenly flew out of the undergrowth at me with a fierce howl.
Before I could even scream, it slammed into me, and the impact sent us both rolling across the ground. It was a person, I was sure of that much as I grappled tried to get away. I thought maybe it was Seth playing a sick joke, but I couldnt get turned around to see, since my attacker now had me from behind in a tight grip.
One hand abruptly let go, but before I could take advantage of that, the person raised an arm and quickly brought it down. In that spilt second of motion, I saw a flash in the moonlight. It was a knife! Everything seemed to go in slow motion. I felt the impact of the knife in my stomach, and the air rushed out of me with an audible
oof. Almost instantly, searing pain spread through my entire body as I felt my own warm blood gush out.
Id been stabbed.
The person let go of me with the other arm and yanked the knife out. I fell back onto the ground as my attacker sat up over me. I tried to get a look at my as-sailant, but the pain had blinded me. I couldnt make out any facial features. The arm raised again, but then stopped. I lay there looking helplessly up at the faceless monster above me, but I couldnt do anything but whimper.
Shit, the person hissed, then lurched up and took off running.
I didnt move for a few seconds. The pain was all I could think about, and I seemed to be having difficulty breathing. Each breath felt like a whole new stab. I 44
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struggled to sit up, but the pain flashed through my body again, and I felt myself blacking out. I dont want to die, I thought, as the darkness surrounded me. I fought back and managed to get myself onto my hands and knees. I put pressure on the stab wound with one hand and tried to stand up, but my head was spinning too much.
I wanted to scream, but still couldnt seem to get enough air. I was also afraid that the person with the knife would come back and finish me if he realized I was still alive. I looked around for help, but I couldnt see over the weeds. I could see the lights of nearby houses faintly through the trees, but I knew my chances of getting through the underbrush in my condition were next to none. I had better chances of getting found here on the trail. Sometimes, people walked their dogs out here. Then I saw the figure lying on the ground again. I realized it was a person. Maybe I had interrupted a mugging and the victim was just unconscious. Maybe I could wake the person up to get help.
I painfully crawled over to the still figure, every movement bringing a wave of intense agony. I felt like I was going to get sick. As long as I didnt pass out, I didnt care. My shirt was soaked with my blood by this time. I knew I was losing a lot and that was why I was getting so light headed.
Finally, I reached the figures side; it was lying on its side facing away from me, so I grabbed its shoulder and rolled it towards me. As soon as the body fell flat on its back, I knew I wouldnt be waking it up. Its throat had been slashed open, the gash angry and raw. Its amazing the little things you notice in a moment like that. I saw the leaves and small pebbles stuck in the drying blood around the wound, and I wanted to brush them off. It looked unspeakably obscene, as if the gaping slit wasnt obscene enough.
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I felt the blackness swirling around me again and I didnt think Id fight it this time. In the last second before I allowed the darkness to overwhelm me I looked at the face. My last thought before succumbing to the void was, Oh God, not Seth.
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CHAPTER FOUR
It felt as if I were floating. Thats the first thing I remember. Then I became aware of a bright white light that I could see through my closed eyelids. The events leading up to my blackout flooded back into my consciousness and I found myself wishing for the bliss of the darkness again. Then I realized I wasnt in pain. Was I in heaven? I forced my eyes open, but shut them again quickly. The light was blinding. I tried again, a little more cautiously this time.
Well, I wasnt in heaven, not unless they hooked you up to machines and painted their rooms a nasty puke green. When would hospitals ever learn?
J
ust then, a nurse walked into my field of vision. She was wearing the typical nurses uniform of a brightly colored top over white pants and white shoes. She looked like she was maybe in her 60s, with close-cropped gray hair and a dont-mess-with-me look in her eyes.
Ah, I see youre back with us again, she said, How do you feel?
Im not sure yet. How long was I out? Was I in a coma? I asked. My voice sounded scratchy and harsh.
The pain was starting to come back now, a little more with each breath.
No, no comas, she told me as she started checking 47
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machines and making little notes on her clipboard. You were unconscious when they found you, and then they doped you up for the surgery. Youre just now coming around. Starting to feel some pain?
I nodded. I liked her. She was very straightforward.
Alrighty then, well take care of that, she made some adjustments to the keypad on the IV stand and changed the bag at the top. There, that should help soon.
What happened? I asked her. Am I OKAY?
Youre going to be fine, but the doctor will be in shortly to tell you more. If you need anything from me, like more of the good stuff to knock you out or something to drink, whatever, just push this little red button here. She showed me a small tube-shaped thingy with a wire that ran out of the bottom of it to the wall behind me. A red button was on one end of it. This will page us at the nurses station. Someone will come and check on you, although it might not always be me. Okay? I nodded again.
She bustled about busily for a few more minutes, then breezed out, waggling her fingers at me as she went.
The medicine started kicking in soon after, and I was about to go back to sleep when a tall black man with a thin mustache, wearing a white doctors coat and a stethoscope around his neck, walked into the room. I assumed he was the doctor.
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