Get lost, Todd, Gilly said suddenly from behind us. We both jumped. I hadnt even heard the door open.
Since when are you an expert on body language?
Gilly, Im just looking out for you. Thats all, he said standing up and moving away from the swing.
Thanks, Todd, I know. But you have to remember that Im a big girl now. Im only 18 months younger than you. I can take care of myself.
Todd looked at me one last time and I could tell that there was more that he wanted to say, but he just shrugged and walked back into the house.
Sorry about that. I warned you that I had a weird family. Gilly said sitting in the once again vacant spot next to me.
Its okay, I told her, but I really think I need to be getting back home. I didnt finish my homework.
Gilly smiled, but it didnt look like she really meant it. Okay, she said, Will you come in and say good-bye to everyone first?
Yeah, of course, I said.
Then before I could react she leaned forward and kissed me. I jerked away without thinking.
Gilly Im gay, I said softly.
I know, but I thought maybe if we... she never finished; instead she just burst into tears.
Oh geez, Gilly, I said, feeling very helpless and unsure of what to do. I patted her awkwardly on the back. After a few minutes she managed to stop crying 159
JOSH ATEROVIS
and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.
Im sorry, Killian, she sniffled, I promise I wont do it again.
Its okay, Gilly, I said, still feeling very awkward, Its not that you arent a great girl, you are, its just...if I wasnt gay, Im sure I would like you a lot. I mean I like you now as a friend, but if I was straight Im sure Id like you as more than a friend...
Gilly reached out and placed a finger on my lips to shut me up, You dont have to apologize or explain anything, Killian. I was out of line and Im sorry. We agreed that this was just for show. I just got carried away. Lets just pretend that never happened? Okay?
I nodded and we both stood up and hugged briefly. We went back inside and after saying good-bye to everyone I went out to my car, but my strange night at Gillys house wasnt over yet. Before I could get in my car someone tapped me on the shoulder. I spun around with a yelp, but it was only Rick.
Sorry, didnt mean to startle you, he said, I just wanted to say good-bye and tell you if you ever need to talk, Im available.
Um, thanks, I said uncertainly.
I know this must be a confusing time for you right now. Asher talks to me and he told me whats been going on for both of you and as you know, he isnt handling things very well. But hang in there; hopefully hell come around soon, and hell need his friends when he does.
He hasnt seemed to want me as his friend lately, I said. I was a little angry that Asher had told my personal business to Rick without even asking me.
160
Bleeding Hearts
Asher doesnt know what he wants right now.
In time, though, hell sort things out, and so will you. Just give him time. He patted me on the back and started back towards the house. I got in my car and drove away from what had to have been one of the oddest nights of my entire life.
161
JOSH ATEROVIS
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
I went to sleep thinking about what Judy had said and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.
In fact, it totally distracted me all morning at school, as well. At one point I paid attention enough to realize that I had no idea what we were talking about and thought that this would be a bad thing come test time, and then I spaced out again.
I was still in my own little world at lunch when I realized someone had sat down next to me. Somehow, I wasnt surprised to see that it was the only member of Gillys family, besides her parents, that hadnt cornered me the night before.
Hey, Jake, I said.
Hi, Killian. Can I talk to you for a few minutes? he asked. He was wearing a baggy pair of carpenters jeans and a long-sleeved Creed concert T-shirt, accessorized with the requisite wallet chain. Today he had thrown in a silver ball chain necklace. His blonde hair was tucked behind his ears in a way that I found very ap-pealing. Was everyone in Gillys family attractive or was it just me?
Sure, why not? I said.
You were friends with Seth, right?
Wow, that was about the last thing I had expected him to say. Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that. I 162
Bleeding Hearts
said finally.
I heard that youre even living with his dad now.
Yeah, I am. I wondered where this was leading.
He looked around at the tables near us then leaned in closer to me, Wasnt Seth gay? he asked quietly.
Um, yes.
Is it true that his dad is too?
Yes.
Then, um...are you?
Uh oh, dangerous waters; what should I say? Im dating your sister, I said, deciding to go with a non-answer.
I know, but thats not what I asked. He was sharper than I had given him credit for.
Look, Jake, do you think we could get together later maybe and talk about this? I looked around meaningfully.
Jake thought for a moment then made up his mind,
Yeah, sure. Can I ask you one more question, though?
I was hesitant but I agreed.
He again leaned in and lowered his voice even more,
Do you think Seth was really killed in a mugging? I mean, you were there, but that seems unlikely to me.
I was so shocked that for a minute I couldnt even say anything. At last I was able to ask, What do you mean?
Just that it seems strange that the only openly gay student at our high school gets mugged and killed two weeks after school starts. Call me suspicious, but that sounds fishy to me.
I couldnt believe what I was hearing. I wondered for a second if I was being set up, red flags were going up everywhere. I remembered Judys words, Watch your step carefully, she had said. I decided that this was very good advice for this situation.
Why does it matter to you? I asked cautiously.
163
JOSH ATEROVIS
He looked around again. Why did he seem so para-noid? Well talk about it later, okay? When do you want to meet?
How about after school? You can meet me at my car. You know what I drive right?
A black Beetle, right?
Yeah.
Todd parked next to it this morning. Ill meet you there, but wait for me; I have to talk to Mr. Johnson after school for a few minutes about an assignment thats late. Ill see you then.
Okay, I said, See you then.
Gilly and I were leaning against my car talking after school, Gilly waiting for Todd and me waiting for Jake.
Neither of us had mentioned the kiss from the night before. We were studiously avoiding that topic. People were still straggling out but most of the cars were gone from the student parking lot by now.
So how for real is your Aunt Judy? I asked.
Who knows? Why? Did she get to you last night while I was gone? Gilly asked as she tucked a flyaway strand of blonde hair behind her ear. I nodded and she went on, We dont really take her all that seriously, but there have been some eerie coincidences.
Like what?
Well, by far the freakiest thing that ever happened was last Christmas. She told Uncle Rick that he was soon going to be alone and thats why she bought him a puppy. Uncle Rick was mad because Elliott, his partner, was allergic to dogs and theyd been together for a long time. A week after Christmas, Elliott died in a car accident. Uncle Rick still has the dog; he named it Enigma.
I felt the hairs on my arms stand up again.
So is she like a psychic or something? I asked.
Gilly laughed, Dont let her hear you say that. She 164
Bleeding Hearts
gets so mad when somebody calls her psychic, even if theyre just joking. She says for the most part she just sees stuff that other people miss, that shes just more sensitive. The rest, she says, comes from God. Its not like shes an operator for one of those cheesy 900 numbers. Why? What did she say to you?
Its nothing, really.
When did she talk to you, anyway?
While you were inside.
Her and Todd both?
Well, Judy when you went in the first time and Todd the second.
Why is my family stalking you?
We both laughed as Jake came running up to us.
Speaking of stalkers, I laughed, here comes another one.
What? Why am I a stalker? Jake asked, confused.
Todd walked up just then. Because youre a creepy little psycho, he said with a grin as he ruffled Jakes hair.
Knock it off, Todd, or Ill tell everyone about the magazines under your bed, Jake said good-naturedly.
Todd shot him a strange look, as if he wasnt sure if he was serious or not, but apparently decided he wasnt.
Are you two goobers ready? he asked.
Im going to go home with Killian and then hell drive me home, Jake said as he shifted his backpack from one shoulder to the other.
Gilly gave me a surprised look, which Im sure I returned in kind. Todd gave me a look I couldnt quite identify, then shrugged and said, Suit yourself. Gilly, you ready?
Yeah, Im ready, she said slowly and with a lingering look at me got in the car. After they had driven off and Jake and I were in my car, I asked him, So, where to?
165
JOSH ATEROVIS
Wherever, somewhere we can talk in private and not be overheard, he said.
Whats all this cloak-and-dagger stuff about, Jake?
I asked him as I started the car and pulled out.
I just need to talk to you about some stuff and I dont want to be heard.
What stuff? About Seth?
Partly.
Jake, were in a moving car; as far as I know there is no one in the back seat, I think its safe to talk.
Okay. Its just that this isnt easy for me. Ive never told anybody this before.
Told anybody what? I shouted in exasperation.
Im gay! he shouted back.
I almost drove off the road. Once I had the car back under control, I looked over at him. He sat slumped in the seat, staring at his hands in his lap.
Its okay, Jake, I said softly, Im not going to hate you or anything.
He looked up hopefully. Really?
Yeah, really. You know why?
Why?
Im gay too.
His mouth dropped open and his eyes widened in surprise. Wha...? I couldnt help but laugh at his expression. I mean I wondered...but what about Gilly?
Gilly and I are just friends.
But...but...you told everybody that you are going out. His face was a study in confusion.
Its kind of like a cover; so that no one knows Im gay for right now. I think more people will talk to me about Seth if they dont know Im gay. Not that Im ashamed of it or anything. I was at first, I guess, like it was something I needed to hide, but Adam has taught me that its just a part of who I am, like being left- or right-handed.
166
Bleeding Hearts
Adam?
Adam is Seths dad.
You live with him now, right? Were you and Seth...?
We were just friends.
And you think that something happened besides a mugging too? I mean, why else would you want to talk to people about Seth without them knowing you are gay?
Ya know what? Youre a lot smarter than you let on, I told him.
Im not sure if should take that as a compliment or not, he said with an adorable grin. I noticed he had a dimple and almost ran off the road again.
Take it as a compliment, I said as I blushed. I could tell he was still grinning even without looking at him.
Ill do that, on one condition.
Whats that?
That youll keep your eyes on the road while youre driving.
I burst out laughing and he quickly joined in. All of a sudden I realized that without having a clear destina-tion in mind I had been driving on autopilot and now I found myself at home.
Well, this is where I live now, I said as I pulled into the driveway, I didnt really mean to come here, its just where we ended up, but since were here, you wanna come in for a few minutes?
Sure, why not? he said. He flashed me another one of those killer smiles and I felt like I was melting.
We went in and I made introductions. After Adam went back to work on his computer, Jake and I wandered up to my room to talk. After we were settled at opposite ends of the bed, I started back into our earlier conversation.
So you think Seth was murdered? I asked him.
Well, yeah, I mean, its the only thing that makes 167
JOSH ATEROVIS
sense to me. I just dont understand why the police arent doing more.
Well, we think it was more than just a mugging too.
Adam thinks that maybe the police are purposefully ignoring important information.
Like what?
There were letters, in Seths locker. The police dismissed them, but we think that means that the killer has to go to our school. Or at least has a contact there that must know something. Did you have any classes with Seth?
No, but I saw him a lot in the halls and stuff.
Did you ever see him with anyone?
Mostly just you.
Anybody else?
He thought for a minute then spoke slowly as if he was carefully considering each word, This is hard. Not just hard to remember who I saw him with, but I also feel like Im casting suspicion on anyone I name. But anyway, I saw him with Zack, Jesse, and Asher once; another time I saw him with just Asher. I saw him with Becky Rosinski. And I think I saw him with my cousin Marcus once. He hesitated for a moment before continuing on quickly, And I saw him with a few different people I dont really know but none of them looked like they were really with him with him, maybe just talking to him after class, you know.
I started to ask him about the hesitation, but decided not to right now. It bothered me that Asher had talked to him twice. He never told me that. Could that be what he was hiding? Or was there more? I pulled my mind away from that line of thought and forced it back onto the present conversation.
Did he look angry or scared or uncomfortable with any of them?
Once again, he thought for a moment before answer-168
Bleeding Hearts
ing. Its hard to say; maybe so with Zack, Jesse, and Asher, and when it was just Asher. Not really with Becky. I couldnt tell with Marcus cuz I just saw them from behind.
What about the others?
Im not sure. His eyes flickered away and again I had the distinct impression that he wasnt telling me everything. This time I decided to not ignore it.
You have to tell me everything, Jake, I told him gently.
What do you mean?
I mean, whatever it is youre not telling me. I can tell you are trying to protect someone or something, but this is really important. I need to talk to everyone who had anything to do with Seth, because even if they didnt kill him they might know something, maybe even something they dont even know that they know.
He sat there for a few minutes before he finally seemed to make up his mind. Look, Killian...there is another person that I saw him talking to,
but let me talk to that person first please. Dont push it right now.
Why are you protecting this person? What if they are the one that killed Seth?
I just cant believe that about them. Please, just give me a chance to talk to them first.
Okay, I gave in with a sigh.
His whole face lit up with that smile as he impulsively jumped across the bed and tackled me. We wrestled on the bed for a few minutes before he finally got the advantage. He had my body pinned with his and my arms held down to the bed above my head. His face was just inches from mine when our eyes locked and we both froze. We stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity before he suddenly leaped back.
Im sorry, he said sounding slightly out of breath even though I knew we hadnt wrestled that hard.
169
JOSH ATEROVIS
For what?
He seemed at a lost for words, so I took pity on him and got up off the bed. Never mind, I called over my shoulder as I turned on the computer.
Hey, Killian, he said, Can I ask you a question?
You dont have to answer if you dont want to.
Well, that certainly piqued my curiosity. Sure, ask me anything.
Do you...like anybody?
Like how? I asked him, even though I knew what he was asking; I just wanted to hear him say it.
Like as in...are you attracted to anyone? He blushed a furious red and I couldnt help but smile, so I quickly turned back to the computer so he wouldnt think I was laughing at him.
Yes, I said simply.
Can I ask who? came his timid reply.
Sure you can ask, doesnt mean Ill tell you, though,
I was enjoying this way too much.
Why not? Dont you trust me? I could tell that this was serious question for him and I realized that I wasnt being very sensitive. I left the computer trying to log on to AOL and walked back over to the bed. I sat down next to him and looked directly into his eyes.
Yes, I trust you, Jake. You seem to be a very honest person and I really like spending time with you. I hope we can be friends, but Im not quite ready to talk about who Im attracted to. Do you understand?
aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 Page 15
