by Melody Anne
Yes, they had both messed up when they were teenagers, but she shouldn’t bear this much hostility toward him—not after ten years. He would hear her story. After that, he would be open and honest with her. He would tell her that he would be taking her to his bed soon. Very soon!
“Business first,” he mumbled, shifting where he stood, hoping like hell he could get his body to listen to his mind. “Nope. Apparently not going to happen,” he mumbled as he shifted again, so he gave up and left the bathroom.
He hoped she wasn’t asleep.
“What took you so long?” she asked when he stepped into the living room.
“Did you miss me?”
“Hardly. I’ve grown quite accustomed to you disappearing, Cam.” The words came out like a joke, but there was an underlying pain to her tone that made him stop for a moment where he was.
“I never meant to disappear on you, Grace.”
“It doesn’t really matter, though, does it?”
“It matters if, after all this time, you’re still holding on to your resentment.”
“It was a long time ago. But you know what they say . . .” She gave a bitter laugh.
“No. Not really. What do they say?” He couldn’t help bracing himself for her answer.
“You never forget your first love. Your next lovers will never be privileged enough to get your entire heart, because you’ve already given a piece away.”
How in the world had they gotten to this place so quickly?
Before he could respond, she laughed. “Lighten up, Cam. You want to talk business, so let’s talk business.”
Cam was almost unable to keep up with her. One second she displayed a sliver of vulnerability, and the next she was hiding behind dark humor and the shutters were over her eyes. This wasn’t getting them anywhere.
“Good. Let’s talk business,” he said. He might as well go along with her on this, he told himself, so he switched gears.
“What do you need to know?”
“I need to know it all, Grace, even the stuff you might not think is relevant. You need to walk me, step by step, through the past ten years, especially the time you were gone from Sterling. Someone in your past used you, and it’s my job to figure out who that was.”
Cam sat down and put a small laptop on his knees. He wanted to pull Grace to him, show her just how sorry he was for breaking her heart and prove how he could love her the right way if she would let him. But he knew the only way to truly help her was to give her some space, allow her time to dig deep within herself to call up details and divulge her story.
“I guess I’ll start from the time I left, then.” She paused for a moment and he could see she was thinking.
“Why don’t you start right before you left,” he suggested. “Weren’t you involved with Jimmy Wells, my father’s ranch hand?”
A shudder went through her. She really didn’t want to talk about what had happened with Jimmy. She couldn’t tell Cam the entire truth. She still felt too much shame about the situation, even though she knew she shouldn’t.
“Grace. I know this isn’t ideal, speaking with your ex-boyfriend about another boyfriend, but he could be the guy setting you up, so I need to know the truth.”
“The truth?” Grace laughed a humorless sound that echoed in his large living room.
“Yes, the truth,” he said quietly. Grace couldn’t look him in the eyes, couldn’t know what he was thinking or feeling about this. She decided to give the modified version of the story she had rehearsed for years.
“Yeah, I was with Jimmy.”
He had his own feelings about her being with Jimmy. Never would he forget how that had made him feel. But this wasn’t about him, it was about her, and he needed to keep his feelings to himself.
“I met Jimmy after you went off to law school. He was charming and silly, and he made me laugh when all I felt like doing at the time was crying. I was working for your dad, too, that summer before my senior year, and I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life. Sage had plans for after graduation to be premed, and even though Bethel said I could stay after Sage left, it wouldn’t have been the same. You were gone, everyone was going away, everyone had plans—everyone except for me.”
She stopped again, her eyes closing briefly, and it took everything in him not to set aside the laptop and pull her into his waiting embrace. But he was afraid that if he interrupted, she was going to clam up again.
“So I worked alongside Jimmy all that summer, all the while missing you. He was nothing more than a friend, but one day he took it too far and kissed me behind the barn. I immediately told him I was involved with you, and he backed off, so I thought he was a stand-up kind of guy.”
“Wait! What?” His own feelings of bitterness rushed through him, but he pushed them aside. This wasn’t his time to tell his story. Maybe someday, but for now he needed to just listen. He should have bitten his tongue, because her eyes snapped to his and she looked at him quizzically. “Don’t mind me, Grace. Please continue.”
“Um . . . okay.” She looked away from him again, recalling memories she had tried to bury. “Then I got the call from you that you weren’t coming home for the summer after all, and I was devastated. You told me a long-distance relationship was too hard, and you thought we should see other people.”
She hated this part of the conversation, hated that he’d so coldly dumped her. But that was a long time ago. It didn’t matter now, did it? Yes, it mattered a lot, actually, because so much bad had happened after that.
“When he found out that you and I were no longer a couple, he figured I was fair game, I guess. That’s when he became a little more persistent, and I was worried that if I pushed him away, I would lose his friendship.”
“You still had Sage at that point,” he reminded her.
“I know. But I was feeling abandoned by her, even though she wasn’t leaving for another year. I was trying to prepare myself for that. Plus, she was working at the doctor’s office that summer, so we really weren’t seeing a heck of a lot of each other. It sucked.”
“Then what happened?”
“Eventually I let him kiss me again, but he was pushing for more and more, and I wasn’t willing to do that.”
“Did something more happen?” His fists clenched at the pain he saw on her face. Maybe he didn’t want to hear the rest of this story.
“Not that summer. His dad was transferred out of state and then he was gone and my senior year started. I didn’t see him again until the next summer . . .”
That was the summer from hell for her. If she’d thought the one before had been bad, it was nothing in comparison.
“The year had flown by, and then my nightmares were coming true. Sage left to intern for a doctor in LA, and I’d pulled away from most of the other kids in my class, just feeling sorry for myself. I worked for your dad again that summer, and a couple weeks in, Jimmy showed up. He said his dad’s job hadn’t worked out and they were back. I was actually excited to see a familiar face, one that wasn’t judging me for not having future plans.”
“I can understand that,” Cam said quietly.
“So it was a mellow summer, lots of work, and I found myself laughing quite often, which was something I was missing so much. Then you came back . . .”
Both of them remembered that moment well. They’d made love for the last time, and Grace had thought it was all going to be great . . . That was until he’d so coldly walked away from her again.
“Grace . . .” What could he say? Nothing.
“Don’t say anything, Cam. It doesn’t matter. The bottom line, though, is that I was in a vulnerable spot. Jimmy showed up with a couple of bottles of wine. I don’t know where he got them, but he said it was really good stuff. So we went down to the swimming hole and had a picnic . . . and drank all the wine. I remember lying there on the blanket, my head sort of spinning, and then Jimmy was climbing on top of me . . .” She stopped again, and Cam felt like he wanted to break some
thing, preferably Jimmy’s face.
“I must have blacked out. Because one minute he was on top of me, and then the next, I woke up and it was the middle of the night. I was so cold, and Jimmy wasn’t anywhere around. My body was sore, but my clothes were on.”
“Wait a minute!” Cam exploded. “Are you telling me that he raped you?”
Grace was quiet for several tense moments. “No,” she said, but Cam didn’t believe her. He knew now wasn’t the time to push her, so, sitting there tensely, he waited for her to continue.
“I felt really sick, but somehow I managed to make it back to your dad’s property and to my car, and I drove home. I climbed into bed and the next day I still didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t as bad as the night before.” She stopped. He waited.
“Did you speak to him again, Grace?”
“Yes. I did. It was a few days, and when I finally found Jimmy, he apologized, said that I’d gotten too drunk and passed out. He said he had tried to wake me, but I wouldn’t budge, and his mom had been expecting him home, so he had to leave.”
“Are you freaking telling me that the guy leaves you out by the lake, passed out, and then just tells you sorry but he had to go?” Cam asked with murder in his voice.
“I was young, stupid, and didn’t care about him enough to even question what he said.”
“So was that the last time you saw him?”
Shame filled her eyes when she looked at him again. And silence accompanied his question.
“Grace, did you see him again?” Cam growled.
“Yes, I saw him again,” she finally answered.
“You still dated him after that?” Cam was incredulous.
“No. It was definitely over after that,” she told him.
“Then when did you next see him?” Cam was frustrated with how much he needed to push her to get any information from her.
“We moved to Billings, and a couple years later I was finding a small measure of peace, and we met up again,” she admitted. “I’d prefer not to go into that right now,” she told him, shame filling her at what she’d allowed Jimmy to do to her.
“For me to help you, you have to tell me everything,” Cam told her.
“Please, Cam. I can only give so much right now,” she said.
“Continue with what you’re willing to talk about, then,” he told her gently.
She continued speaking before she wouldn’t be able to. “One day when I came home from work early, I heard strange noises upstairs. I opened my mother’s bedroom door, because no one was supposed to be home. I found her and Jimmy together, and neither of them looked like they were having a bad time.”
Cam was stunned speechless. “Your mother and your ex were having sex?” he gasped. “What in the hell . . .”
“Oh, yeah, they were having sex—pretty wild sex, from the sound of it. I couldn’t move. I was telling myself to shut the door, to turn around and walk out. But for some reason I couldn’t do it. My mother was screaming—not in pain, mind you—and then Jimmy, well, Jimmy must have found his happy moment,” she said, her voice suddenly void of emotion. “I must have made a sound because they both turned toward the door and saw me. Jimmy looked so damn cocky, which is what I would expect of him,” she said. “But my mother, my darling mother—I’ll never forget the look on her face. It was . . . triumph. I never asked her about that look, that verification of how much she despised me. I finally managed to get my feet to move, and I calmly shut the door and walked to my room. Within minutes, I packed a bag of clothes and a few other items I didn’t want to leave behind and then I walked away from the house. I never went back.”
“Did you ever talk to him again? Have you and your mother reconciled?”
“Jimmy tried calling me for the next month. He finally gave up. I didn’t speak to my mother for three years. Finally, for the sake of my father, I came home. He never knew. I didn’t tell him and neither did my mother, of course. Our relationship was forever altered that day. We now talk once in a while, but it will never be more than obligatory meetings. I decided it was best if we came to a mutual understanding. We’re more like acquaintances than anything else. I’m a party planner, and she has a lot of contacts, so she’ll send business my way. I walk in the door, she gives me air kisses. We’re stiff and formal, but so are a lot of other families.”
“I don’t know how you could even look her in the face after that,” Cam said. He was completely blown away. What in the world was wrong with her family?
“I was never in love with Jimmy. It’s just . . .” She stopped herself from whatever she’d been about to say. “Never mind. It’s not even worth talking about. The bottom line is that I climbed in my car that day and drove to New York. It took me several days, but when I arrived, I thought at first that it was the greatest place on earth.”
“But that didn’t last, either?”
“No. After a few months I was extremely homesick. But the problem was that I didn’t really have a home. I couldn’t move back in with my parents. My only true friend was off in college, and I didn’t feel like there was anywhere I belonged.”
“Grace, I’m so sorry you ever felt that way.”
“It doesn’t matter. I went to college, got a degree in hospitality, and then started my event-planning business. But I realized after a few years that New York was just too much for me. So I came back home to Montana, but I decided to settle here in Sterling rather than in Billings.”
He waited, but she was quiet for several moments. “Did you meet anyone of importance in New York?”
“I had one semi-long-term relationship in New York, with Vince. The sex was good—your standard hot Italian lover, you know—but there was no emotion,” she said with another laugh.
Her comment stung more than Cam would ever admit. No, he hadn’t been a saint since they had parted ten years ago, and yes, he’d had other relationships, but none had worked out. How could they when his heart wasn’t his to give to another?
Cam didn’t know why, but for some reason he had pictured Grace back in Sterling waiting for when he was done with his degree. He’d wronged her in the way he’d left, but he would never forget that summer that had broken him apart.
“Your New York guy is still a lead. I need his information.”
“Really? I haven’t heard a word from him since I left New York. What would he matter?”
“If you dated him, he’s a suspect, Grace.”
“There’s not much to tell. He was from a wealthy family, but he was trying to be an artist, all living free and stuff. We shared a tiny loft, and after a while I realized he was perfectly content to live off either his daddy’s money or mine, and I grew tired of it. He didn’t even fight me when I left. He cheated on me, of course. But it was just something I expected at that point in my life. And I didn’t have enough emotion left in me to care. He was the last relationship I’ve been in.”
“Dammit, Grace. You are worth so much more than you can ever imagine.”
“Then why do I keep getting left?” she asked.
Cam was silent as she looked down and reined in her emotions. Cam felt like the most disgusting of human beings at that moment. He’d hurt her so badly, and he didn’t know how he was going to make it up to her. He might not be able to.
“Grace . . .” He didn’t know what he planned on saying.
“I don’t think I can talk about any of this anymore tonight, Cam. I’m so tired.” The painful memories seemed to choke her voice.
Even though she resisted, Cam put down the computer and then pulled her into the cradle of his arms. “I’m sorry, Grace. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.”
Her entire body was stiff for several tense moments, and then, finally, she rested her head on his shoulder and he felt a shudder pass through her.
“It was a long time ago. I just learned that I can’t trust anyone,” she whispered.
“That’s no way to be. I think you’ll learn to trust me again—in time.”
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She said nothing, but it didn’t take long before he felt the steady, shallow breaths on his neck indicating she’d fallen asleep.
Cam eased himself carefully up off the couch and stood with her in his arms, then headed to his room. She might wake up angry in the morning, but he doubted it. Tonight she needed someone to hold her and let her know she wasn’t alone in the world.
Tomorrow they could go back to their battle of wills.
The rhythmic sound of a heart beating beneath her ear was what pulled Grace from her slumber. It took a moment for her to realize where she was, and then the smell of Cam drifted through her and she had no doubt she was lying in his arms, in his bed.
She should be upset, but instead she felt comforted. The night before had taken a lot out of her, and although there wasn’t even the tiniest glimmer of light peeking through the curtains, telling her it was the middle of the night, she still felt like it was a new day, like it was almost a new beginning.
She hadn’t wanted to share her story with Cam, but doing so had freed up something inside her, something that had needed to be released for a long time. Was she over everything that had happened? No, she certainly wasn’t. But at the same time, some of her anger had drained away.
“How are you feeling?”
She wasn’t even startled by the sound of his voice. She’d heard the shift in his breathing and knew he was awake.
“Better,” she told him.
“Grace, I don’t know how many times I can apologize for what happened in the past, but I hope if I do it enough, then someday you’ll believe me and forgive me,” he said, his hand coming up and caressing the back of her head.
“You hurt me, Cam. You hurt me more than any of the others because you were the one I loved,” she told him.
Maybe it was the security of darkness, or maybe it was because she’d already opened up to him, but for some reason, it just felt right to tell him how she really felt.
Besides, right now all she seemed to be feeling was the warmth of Cam’s bare chest, warm beneath her hand. She should be pulling away, leaving his arms and reaching for the blankets to cover herself, letting him know this wasn’t what she wanted. So she didn’t understand when, instead of leaving his arms, she fluttered her fingers against his chest, the feel of him too enticing to stop.
