by Megan Rivers
In a way it was freeing, but it was also frighteningly sobering. If that was how Odilia saw it, then I would do what I could to make my stay less abrasive. At least I was helping her out, in a twisted sort of financial way. (If you do the math, my father ended up paying her $32,000 by the end of my stay. I guess you could say it was the best fatherly gesture I had ever gotten from him.)
And life did get rough in Maine. I spent nights gripping my pillow and drenching it in tears. Weekends would pass when I didn't leave my bed. And, in the crowded hallways of my new high school, I felt alone and damaged, like a fresh bruise that everyone tried to avoid because of its ripe and tender pain.
But I kept telling myself that I would be okay because I was in America, I had shelter, I had food, I had Galvin and Meadow and Kevin (however distantly). These twenty-two months would help me prepare for officially being on my own.
XIII.
My Own
“Time in A Bottle” – Jim Croce
Taking my aunt's words to heart I didn't go back to her house that night. I didn't want to think about cleaning out the bedroom, breathing in second-hand smoke, and staring at the wall wondering where my life was going. No. I wanted to spend the last 18 hours I had with Galvin away from that place.
After Kevin took us out to dinner for lobster rolls and steaming bowls of clam chowder, we were almost too full to move. As we lumbered out of the cozy, warm restaurant, Meadow linked her arm around Kevin's, leaning on his shoulder. “Thank you, Daddy,” she said. “I'm so full!”
Kevin only responded by putting his arm around her in a hug, giving her a smile.
If I had had a camera, I would have taken a picture. It was a simple gesture to show how close they were; it was something I was going to miss.
Meadow sneaked a look over her shoulder at me as I was pondering over what might have been. When my eyes caught hers, I quickly put on a smile so she wouldn't worry about me. Lately I had constantly worried about how everyone worried about me. I was trying to appear stronger, even though my insides felt like bubble wrap.
“Daddy, can we go back to the inn and rest?” Meadow had stopped and squinted through the sunlight at her father, still holding his arm.
Kevin turned to look me over, wanting to decipher what was best for me.
“Oh, I'll be fine,” I said, dismissively.
“Do you want to take a walk with me?” Galvin asked, pulling me closer to him.
I nodded, smiling up at him. He looked so handsome at that moment; his gray scarf barely covered the green shirt that peeked out over the zipper of his jacket. It made his eyes a brighter green.
“Good. See?” Meadow's voice was chipper, her arm tugging at Kevin's. “We'll go rest and StieVin can go for a walk.”
Kevin turned, he was hesitant to leave me. “Will you be okay?” he asked.
I stretched my lips so it looked like a smile. “Sure, I'll be fine. You go rest, you just drove us from Boston.” I placed a gloved hand on Galvin's arm. “Besides, I would like to spend some time with Galvin before he leaves in the morning.”
Kevin looked from Galvin to me and gave in. “We'll see you back in the room later tonight?” Kevin asked, embracing me in a hug. It was a tight hug. The kind of hug that held you up so you could fall apart on the inside.
I pulled away too quickly. “Yeah, sure, of course.” I smiled, looking into his eyes, they were full of concern. They seemed to beg or plead for something, but I wasn't sure for what.
“I'll take care of her,” Galvin said, shaking his head.
We were quiet as we walked hand-in-hand down the harbor. The sound of frigid waves and the occasional car traveled with us. Galvin would squeeze my hand, usually when I spent too much time looking at the ground, watching our feet travel up the slushy path. He would smile at me, then his eyes would travel to the ocean, as if reminding me to keep my head up.
“Come. Sit with me for a while,” he said, pulling me towards a snowy bench. He brushed away the blanket of white in one swoop of his hand. It thwoped to the ground.
“How are you doing?” he asked, pulling me down next to him.
The bench immediately began stealing warmth from my backside and I shivered. “I'm good,” I replied. If I said it enough times, I'd be true, right?
“Really?” Galvin asked, looking me over. “Because if I were you, I'd be a wreck.”
“Really?” I tilted my head at him in surprise. He was always so cool and level-headed.
He bit his bottom lip and nodded. “I know it's important for you to be strong, but let me be that one person who can hold you up. I want to help you, but I don't know how.
“When I lost my parents, the whole world crumbled. I felt so alone. I don't know how you're doing it... I just hope you know you don't have to be strong. It's okay to cry and feel horrible, even if it's only around me.”
He pulled me closer to him, reassuringly. I didn't realize how much I needed that. I watched the seagulls dance over the harbor until they became blurry. I buried my head into Galvin's shoulder and let myself fall apart... just this once, before I was on my own.
Back at the inn, Meadow suggested we take a trip into the small hot tub in the courtyard. Galvin had been on the phone since dinner, talking in both German and English. At times he seemed frustrated or upset, but then he'd laugh and talk light heartedly. I gave up trying to read him and decided to give him some space. It was hard to remember that he had a career and a life outside of ours and what was waiting for him when he left tomorrow. Deep down, I feared that after this rollercoaster of a week, he'd realize I wasn't worth it. I didn't want to see the letters dwindle or the phone calls become less frequent until they fell into extinction.
As Meadow and I soaked in the hot water, I disclosed these thoughts to her.
She smirked. “You really don't see it, do you?” Meadow asked.
I was actually hoping for her to share my thoughts. “See what? What is there to see?” I asked, eager to find out what she was seeing that I couldn't.
She looked down at her wrinkled fingers and sighed. Her eyes met mine and they were full of truth. “How he sees you. Christie, everyday I expect him to hoist you up on his shoulders to show you off to the world. He would do anything for you.” I looked at her with a hint of skepticism. She continued, “I mean he went off on your dad that night and my dad had to come between them. He's really looking out for you. He even talked to your mom's lawyer. In fact, I think he might have tried to bribe him.” She laughed and it made me smile. “Stie, I don't think he's going anywhere.”
After we had warmed our bones, we stopped at the front desk for more towels before heading back to our room. Galvin was sitting in a corner on a laptop when we walked in. Meadow grabbed a few towels and said, “I'll see you later, Frister.”
Night had fallen hours ago, but Galvin still wore the pub cap I had given him for Christmas; it fit him better than the baseball caps he tried to pull off.
“Hi,” I greeted, throwing the wet towel I crumpled in my fists onto the tile floor and pulled the robe I was wearing tighter, before sitting beside him.
“Hey you.” His smile lit up when he saw me and Meadow's words replayed in my head.
The energy I spent in the chlorine and the hour of the night was catching up to me and I yawned. He closed his laptop and put his arm around me. It was the first time in days that it felt like the world stopped spinning and let us steal a quiet moment together that didn't end up in tears.
We sat there, sinking deeper and deeper into the small sofa as the minutes wore on. “You know,” Galvin said, breaking the silence, “if you asked me to stay, I would.”
“Stay? What do you mean?” My head was much too comfortable in the crook of his arm.
“I would stay in Camden or Portland and wait with you,” he said.
I lifted my head to look him in the face. “What about Prey for Chance? Your music?”
He looked at me like it was a silly question. “Music will always be a part o
f me. I could spend my days writing songs in a little house in town with you. Trey is smart, he can handle it all without me.”
The idea was intoxicating. “That's a big decision, Galvin.”
He nodded.
The world began to spin again. Thoughts ricocheted in my head. Finally, it pained me to reply, “I can't ask you to do that.” Our safe, secluded moment had been broken. “You just started your career and I can't rob you of the possibilities.” His face wilted in the slightest way. “I mean, I would love to have you so close, no matter what.” And I truly did; now it was my turn to wilt knowing I couldn't allow it to happen. “But I can't live the rest of my life knowing you might be wondering what would have happened if you went back to Prey for Chance.”
“Some would say the same if I left you tomorrow. I just want to be there for you.” He brushed my damp hair with his hand, pulling it behind my ear.
“Oh Galvin, we're so young. We have so much ahead of us, especially you. We'll be okay. I'll be okay. We'll make it through.”
♪ ♪ ♪
Galvin's record company sent him a private jet to fly out of a small airport just northwest of Camden. Kevin and Meadow dropped us off an hour before his flight to give us some time together. I don't remember what we filled that hour with. Walking, talking, kissing. I kept telling myself: don't think about another minute slipping away before they're all gone―enjoy the now! But each minute we lost weighed heavily on my mind.
Then, on the tarmac, our minutes were down to single digits. His luggage was being carried to the plane and I could tell everyone was waiting on him, but his celebrity status prevented them from saying anything.
I pulled away from our thousandth kiss, keeping my arms around him. “All you have to do is ask,” he said, reminding me of his offer the previous night.
I shook my head. “You go and be the best damn musician out there. Wow crowds, prove critics wrong, and amaze and inspire the masses.” He grinned, and kissed my forehead. “Now go and work your magic,” I said pushing him away.
“Ah, if only you said that last night!” He winked.
I rolled my eyes and smiled. “Call me?”
“Often and always.”
One final (long, knee-knockin') kiss later, I watched him walk away and up the stairs to the jet. With a final wave he disappeared and my shoulders slumped. I stood there, watching the jet get taxied down the runway. And I stared towards the sky long after it lifted off and disappeared.
Then I watched the ground. More specifically, I watched my boots slosh in the melting snow, squashing it until bits of water sprayed into the air. Boots, squash, splatter. Boots, squash, splatter, I focused solely on putting one foot in front of the other until I heard a honk.
Kevin and Meadow pulled up in their rental car. Meadow practically jumped out of the car and ran to embrace me in her arms. I was stronger than she thought. I didn't cry or break down. No, I had faith in Galvin... in our relationship. I was more than sure we'd make it.
“Did you miss me?” I asked, jokingly.
Meadow's eyes glistened like she was holding back tears. She looked relieved. “No,” she laughed, “It's National Hug A Friend Day, didn't you hear?”
“Nice cover,” I said, slipping into the back seat. I pretended not to notice the thumbs up Meadow gave her father through the windshield.
“We have a surprise for you!” Meadow said, sliding her seat belt on.
“Is it another hug?” I asked, reluctantly.
“You wish!” Meadow teased.
We arrived at Aunt Odilia's house twenty minutes later. I suppressed a groan. I didn't want to go back there so soon. “Your surprise is inside. Come on!” Meadow grabbed me by the arm enthusiastically after she piled out of the car.
“I'll wait for you two out here.” Kevin said, crawling back into the car.
After being assaulted by second-hand smoke and devoured by the shadows in the front hall, we walked past Aunt Odilia and her talk show on full volume, unnoticed. Meadow opened my bedroom door and I didn't recognize the room I saw before me. Lavender bedsheets―same shade as my old bedroom―and a purple and blue quilted down comforter warmed the massive bed. The clutter had been replaced with mementos from home.
Meadow's favorite red elephant sat on top of the mis-matched pillows, and a framed picture taken of the five of us (Galvin included!) on New Years sat on the bedside table. But in the middle of the bed sat a large box, wrapped in baby blue.
“Do you like it? I picked out the colors―purple for me and blue for you―because I'll always be here with you.” Meadow had moved to the bedside table to gloss over her decorating skills. “And Daddy came last night and emptied the room while I kept you busy in the hot tub.”
I couldn't find the words. I loved it. More than loved it. Wait, is there a word that means more than more? With everything that was happening in my life, I couldn't have ask for a better family to get me through it. “Here, open this. It's from me,” Meadow said, sliding the present to the foot of the bed.
I pulled back the layers of tissue paper and pulled out a body pillow covered in grey sweatpants material. “I made a pillow out of Cindy's favorite U of C sweats. I hope you don't mind. I thought it'd be nice to have whenever you needed a hug.”
The ache in my chest crept up to my throat and leaked tears to my eyes. I buried my face into the pillow and inhaled the scent of coconuts.
Mom.
“It still smells like her,” I admitted, my face feeling warm and wet when I lifted it from the pillow. Meadow smiled. “Thank you so much.” I took another deep breath. “God, I don't know what I would do without you guys.” I still hugged the pillow tightly.
“It's one thing I always miss about my mom: her hugs,” Meadow admitted. “Oh, stop crying or I'm going to start!” she scolded but pulled me into a hug.
When twilight came and made the shadows grow thicker, we broke apart. “Come on, let's go back to the inn. We can order pizza and watch Pay-Per-View until the sun comes up.”
“That sounds really good,” I stifled a laugh because out of everything that she could have said, it really sounded good: a hot cheesy pizza and a girly flick with my Frister.
“I'll even spring for the M&Ms on your pizza,” Meadow said, opening the door.
“Whoa, big spender!” I joked, tugging the pillow along with me.
Just one more night of teenage gaiety with Meadow before I was on my own.
We had stayed up until five o'clock in the morning talking about boys, school, our parents, where we'd be in a year, two years... plans for our future. We played silly made-up games and watched movies that made us cry. We fell asleep on the floor, inside our makeshift tent made from the blankets on the bed. It was teenage bliss.
That morning, three hours after we collapsed, Kevin coaxed us awake with cups of coffee from the beverage nook in the lobby, two cups of yogurt, and two pieces of fruit. He had set up a tour for me to visit the public high school and helped me enroll. We went to the store in Portland to get school supplies and some new warm clothes. Not too long after, it was time to say good bye. They had to drive back to Boston to catch their flight home.
Home. How could such a little word be full of so many feelings?
Kevin and Meadow pulled up to my new home. It didn't feel like my home, but that's what it was now. The air was bitterly cold. Snow was in the forecast that night.
I stepped out of the car and looked at the house.
My new home.
Meadow pulled me into a hug and her curly hair covered my face. Her shampoo smelled like plumeria blossoms. “You got this, Stie. Remember, we're flying you home for spring break. We'll be together soon, real soon!”
I smiled, trying to mentally calculate how many days away that was. “You can call us anytime,” Kevin offered, pulling me into a hug. When he didn't let go, I let myself melt into the hug and imagined he was my real father, giving me an “I'll love you for always, no matter what” hug.
“I have
a conference in Boston in May. I'll come by for a visit. This isn't the end,” he reassured me.
“Kevin, I'll be okay,” I tried to comfort him, looking straight into his eyes. “It's a learning experience, and 'life is always better when you're learning'.” He smiled so that wrinkles formed on the sides of his eyes.
He began walking slowly to the front door with me, Meadow not far behind. “I love your mother; I want you to know that.”
“I know, Kevin. She loved you too. I've never seen her so happy.”
“I would do anything for her,” he took a deep breath as if it would keep the tears back. “And right now I think that would be taking care of you.” He stopped and looked me dead in the face. “Please promise me that you'll call for anything, even if it's to talk. Nothing is too small. This is a lot for someone your age to have on their plate. It's okay to ask for help.”
“You don't have to--” Worry. I was going to say worry, but he cut me off; he knew me almost as well as my mom.
“You are also very stubborn.” Meadow joined his side. “So I'm telling you, for your mother's sake, call us. Yell at us. Cry to us. Tell us you're happy or upset. Don't bottle it in. We are on your side no matter what.”
“I know,” I admitted. “I don't know where I'd be without you guys right now.”
“This might seem dramatic, but I will go to Chicago reassured if you make me a promise,” Kevin said in the shadowy front hall.
Biting my bottom lip, I took a deep breath in and promised. “I love you both. I can't live without you in my life. I promise to call you about the big stuff and the little stuff.”
“We love you too, kiddo,” Kevin said, giving me another hug. He pulled an envelope out of his jacket and handed it to me. “It's a phone card. There's no excuse not to call.”
