by C. L. Stacey
Lexi touches her hand to his cheek, gently cupping it before reaching on her toes to kiss him goodbye. “I love you.”
The word causes me to wince, a natural reflex I have whenever I hear the common phrase.
Love. It’s just a word… a four-letter word. You’d think four letters would be harmless, but they hold so much weight. I fear them, and all that comes with them.
“I love you, too.” Jackson plants a kiss to the side of her head, and then he shoots me a look, one that could set fire to its target. “Take good care of her, Caleb. Drive safely, I mean it.”
“Yes, Daddy,” I reply in an obedient tone meant to mock him. Jackson’s jaw hardens when he doesn’t find the humor in it. “Jax, come on…” I laugh. “You know I will. I’ve got her, don’t worry.”
We get caught in some light traffic near the halfway point. Lexi’s been pretty quiet for most of the ride, uncharacteristically so.
Curious as to what’s going on, I ask, “What’s up, Lex?”
“Huh?” She continues to stare out the windshield, still in a daze.
“What’s on your mind?”
She shakes her head, clearing her mind before turning to meet my eyes. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, just tell me what’s going on.”
“You don’t want to get inside here,” she taps a finger against her right temple, “trust me.”
“Then why did I just ask?”
A weak smile curls the corner of her mouth. “It’s Jackson…”
“What about Jackson?”
“He’s been paranoid since, well… you know.”
Considering that I am still having nightmares about it myself, I understand his troubles. “Can you blame him?”
She shakes her head again. “No, I guess not. I was just…” she sighs, “I was hoping it’d get better over time.”
“Well, not too much of it has passed since that incident.”
“True,” she agrees.
At the risk of getting caught, I mention, “Did you suggest therapy?”
“Therapy?”
I nod. “It may help him to get some of that stuff out, you know?”
“You think?”
“I don’t see the harm in trying.”
I mean, I tried it. Jackson’s always been the more sensible one. Maybe he’ll have better luck than I did.
“I’ve gone to therapy before…” Lexi admits, surprising me. “A long, long time ago, though.”
“No shit? Seriously? For what?”
“That car accident I was in left me—” Her voice trails off, and she shakes her head again. “I needed some help, so I tried talking to someone.”
“Did it work for you?”
“No, not really. It left me mostly frustrated, because I didn’t feel the therapist really understood me, or what I was going through. It felt like a waste of my time…”
Don’t I know it? I quietly think to myself. Then, with a mind of their own, my lips start flapping and out comes a suggestion. “Then go with him.”
“Like, sit in on the session?”
“Yea.” I pick up speed once I get on the interstate. “You were there. You survived. You’re proof that everything’s fine, he just needs to realize that.”
When Lexi seriously considers my advice, I feel pretty proud of myself. Conversations aren’t really my strong suit, so to see that I’ve made a positive difference by having this one means that my communication skills are improving.
“Anyways,” I steer us in a different direction, transitioning to a lighter subject. “How’s the wedding planning going? Do we have a date yet?”
It’s like a dark cloud settles over Lexi following my question. Instead of spurring excitement, my question seems to burden her. Eyes droop, mouth pulls into a frown, body sinks lower in the leather seat, and she turns her head to stare out the passenger window. She’s shutting me out.
“What’s that for?” I laugh. “You regret saying yes to his crap proposal?”
Lexi’s head whips in my direction. “No!” she blurts defensively. “No, I would never regret telling him yes.” She gazes down at her ridiculously large diamond. It’s so big that it could pass for a fucking Ring Pop.
“So what’s the problem?”
“I underestimated the attention we’d receive when word got out that Jackson proposed,” she admits softly. “I want this wedding to be… light, stress-free. But how are we supposed to get that when all these reporters can ask about is the shooting?”
“Well…” I tilt my head to the side. “A shooting in Jackson Anderson’s penthouse, by some deranged ex-employee, is a really big deal… It’s their job to ask about it, Lex. How could they not?”
With a heavy sigh, Lexi drops her head back against the headrest. “We’ve already had to endure so much these past few years… I just want our day to be about celebrating how much we love each other. You know what I mean?”
“No,” I answer honestly. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. But you will get everything you want. Knowing Jackson, he’ll make it happen.”
Lexi moves her head in a knowing nod. “I have no doubt in my mind that Jackson will do whatever it takes to make sure we have our day. I’m just a little overwhelmed, it’s nothing.”
Pronounced worry lines crease her forehead as she continues to dwell. I brought up the topic of the wedding to try and get her excited, not to depress her spirits.
This is why no one comes to me with the heavy stuff.
Wanting to cheer her up, I say what I know won’t fail me. “He loves you.”
Finally, a smile lifts the corners of her mouth. “I know.”
“And I think you guys are kinda crazy…” I pause when she laughs. “How many times have you heard that so far?”
“Oh, I stopped counting.” She waves her hand outward, like she’s shooing the question away. “When you love someone, Caleb, you just stop giving a shit.”
I chuckle. “You make love sound less scary.”
Lexi turns to look at me. “Who says it’s scary?”
“Isn’t it?”
“How do you mean?”
“It just seems so… permanent. When you say it, you can never take it back.”
Much to my surprise, Lexi considers my words for a moment. “You’re right, Caleb. You’re absolutely right,” she agrees. “But you’re looking at it from the wrong angle, thus making the idea of love seem like some scary idea rather than a beautiful blessing.”
“From what angle am I supposed to be looking?”
“If you love someone, like, truly love them, you’ll never want to take it back. You will want it to be permanent. Forever. Eternal.”
“Jesus,” I whisper.
“What?”
“And that shit doesn’t scare you?”
She shakes her head. “Not at all. I mean, if you find someone you know you’re meant to be with, why would you want it any other way?”
The question leaves me flustered. For the second time today, I’m being taken back to that place I’m trying like hell to avoid. I can’t go back there again. I fought too hard to get the hell out.
“Um…” I hesitate.
“Never mind, you wouldn’t know that yet.” She lets me off the hook.
“Don’t hold your breath. I’m pretty sure that alone is what I’m meant to be.”
“Oh, Caleb…” Lexi shakes her head with a disapproving, slightly pitying, look. “One day, you’ll see. Someone’s going to come along and just knock you flat on your ass. You are going to fall head over heels, ass-in-the-air in love, and then I’m going to point to you,” she actually points a manicured finger at me, “and I’m going to say, ‘HA-HA, BITCH!’”
“Whoa! Lexi…” I tear my gaze from the road to look at her. “I think Jackson’s starting to rub off on you a little bit.”
Lexi giggles. “Yea, maybe.”
My mind drifts again, to the one I refuse to talk about. “How will I know?” The question surpris
es even me, and I see the identical look in Lexi’s eyes when she reads too deeply into the simple question.
“Seriously? Are you actually asking, or are you pulling one of your stupid pranks on me?” she asks. I don’t blame her skepticism.
I chuckle. “No, I’m actually asking.”
“Why?”
“Well, if I should ever meet the woman of my dreams, I’d like to know what love is supposed to feel like… so that I know not to let her go.”
My answer ignites the brightest smile on Lexi’s face. “Um…” She stares out the windshield and sighs. “It’s like…” she pauses, “being punched in the chest.”
The smile on my face falls at her answer. I wasn’t expecting to hear something so odd. That can’t be right. I lean in, angling my ear closer to her. “Excuse me?”
A small laugh bubbles up Lexi’s throat. “Yea, it’s exactly the way it sounds. Like being punched in the chest. You get the wind knocked out of you.”
“What the hell? I don’t want that!”
“No, but it’s awesome!”
“Let me punch you in the chest, and then tell me it’s awesome.”
“UGH!” Lexi sighs out of exasperation, rolling her eyes at me. “You don’t get it… yet. But you will! One day…” she assures me. “God bless the poor girl’s soul,” she mumbles, sotto voce.
“What was that?”
“Just drive, Superman.” Lexi shoves my head, forcing me to look straight ahead. “One car accident per lifetime is enough for me.”
We walk through California Hope’s doors with me leading the way toward the Physical Therapy center.
God, I hate this hospital so damn much. I look around and see so many people by the front entrance alone, each of them with a certain someone currently seeking care in this very building.
Hospitals have always given me the heebie-jeebies. Both life and death happen under the same roof. Both good and bad news are delivered under the same roof. Sometimes doctors beat the odds, and sometimes, they aren’t so lucky. It’s a place where patients who come hanging by a thread can end up pulling through, and others come in for routine procedures and end up dead. How is this place not creepy to most?
“Wait,” Lexi orders. I stop abruptly, causing her to run right into my back when too engrossed in her phone.
“Texting and walking can kill,” I warn.
“Shut up,” she chuckles. “We still have a few minutes. Let’s go say a quick hello to Bree,” she suggests as she finishes typing out a text.
“You don’t think she’ll be too busy?”
Jessica ‘Bree’ Anderson, Jackson’s younger sister, and Lexi’s future sister-in-law, works as a trauma surgeon at this hospital. She’s actually the one who worked on Lexi the night she was brought in after the shooting. I’ve since learned that she also assisted on Lexi the night she was brought in after her car accident, five years ago, an accident caused by Jackson’s then fiancée, Elizabeth Jones.
Yes, they have a complicated history.
Yes, Jessica—Bree is a rock star. She’s very handy in emergency situations.
“Bree says she’s on her lunch break, yay!” Lexi beams. “Follow me.” She leads the way as I obediently trail behind her.
On the way to the cafeteria, I notice a couple doctors greet Lexi in passing, while I just politely nod along without stopping. I don’t feel like awkwardly standing there in the background, plus I know how to get to where we’re going without Lexi’s guidance from here.
My hand rests against the door handle to the crowded cafeteria, and I spot Jessica at a table more toward the center of the room. I notice she’s sitting with someone, a young woman with a head of blonde hair. I know that head.
I freeze, my hand still gripping the steel handle, and I lean in closer to the glass to get a better look at the woman’s face.
It doesn’t help much, but it also doesn’t matter. I could spot that face a mile away. I know that smile painfully well.
What the hell is she doing back?
“What are you doing?” I’m snapped back to reality when Lexi’s voice breaks through my little trance. “Open the freaking door, Caleb, I don’t want to be late!”
If I turn around and walk away, Lexi will know something’s up.
Lexi taps her hand on my shoulder twice. “Hello?” She reaches on her toes to peer over my shoulder.
“Yea.” I clear past the lump in my throat. “Yea, I’m going.” I pull on the handle and let Lexi through first.
“You okay?” She frowns up at me.
No.
“I’m good. Go on.” I nod toward Bree, indicating for Lexi to lead the way.
“You look like you just saw a ghost. What’s going on?”
Knowing Lexi, she will not be able to let this go until I manage to sell myself properly.
My hands tighten their grip around the handle as I struggle to think fast. “Nothing. I thought I saw someone I was trying to avoid. All good now. Go.” I nod toward Bree again, still waiting for Lexi to pass through.
Let it go, I say to her in my mind. Let it go, let it go, let it go…
The tension in my shoulders loosens a little when Lexi shrugs and walks through the threshold without questioning me again.
Each step I take to bring myself closer to the one I let get away, my pulse races just a little faster, heart beats a little harder. Then I feel that familiar ache in my chest with each memory that passes through me, coming to me in snippets.
I don’t trust you.
I will never trust you again.
I deserve better than this, better than you.
Don’t call…
Don’t text…
Don’t email…
I’m officially done with you.
When we get within a few feet of their table, both sets of eyes turn our way. The second her silver gaze locks with mine, I lose all sense of function. All the progress I’d made in the past year and a half goes flying from this room.
“Caleb.” Bree is the first to break the silence, creating a sort of domino effect between the four of us.
“Ari,” I say, failing to break myself free from her stare.
Ari releases me, shifting her attention to my left. “Lexi,” she greets her with a smile.
My gaze then shifts to Bree, and I see her eyes flash from Ariana to Lexi before finally coming back around to me. Before Bree can say anything, I shake my head, and she remains quiet. I’d rather not have to share with Lexi the story of how the three of us know each other, at least for now.
“Ariana—oh, my gosh! What are you doing in town?” Lexi rushes up to embrace Ari.
Bree and I watch their exchange silently, motionless, still utterly confused, but for separate reasons. I’m well aware of how the two women know each other.
“I relocated here with my boyfriend for a movie we’re shooting together,” Ari informs her. “Nothing permanent, just temporary.”
I heard nothing after the word boyfriend left Ari’s mouth.
Rumor has it that Brody Spencer went tracking Ari down about a year back. When he stumbled upon her ad campaign for Denim Gene’s and decided to shamelessly pursue.
The day the rumor first surfaced of a possible romance between the two, I ended up trashing my entire office.
A fifty-thousand-dollar tantrum, Bethany likes to call it.
Everything was destroyed. I left no hope in salvaging anything, not that I was trying.
It was a bad day, to say the least.
Six months after the rumor, their relationship was no longer considered a secret to the public. They stopped hiding it and have been spotted flaunting their high-profile love all over the fucking globe. They’ve been photographed together at events, premiers, personal outings, vacations… but I guess the overly optimistic part of me kept holding out hope. I tried to convince myself that it was just some common publicity stunt when Ari got cast in his upcoming film. It happens more often than you may think. Then I saw, among the many cand
id photographs taken, the two of them so openly affectionate, so happy.
It takes a pro to make a lie appear so real, and Ari was always the world’s worst liar. The odds were most definitely not in my favor, so I learned to let it go over time.
Wait… that’s not really true, now, is it? Seeing as how I currently feel like locating Brody so I can feel the satisfaction of tearing him limb from limb.
Jealousy is honest. I wasn’t okay then, and I’m feeling the furthest from okay now. Why the hell did she come back? I’m not so dense to assume that she’d never returned to LA all this time, but at least she remained out of sight. With the help of Bethany and Stella, she made it impossible for me to ever run into her, until now. Then again, why would Ari ever expect to run into me here?
Now she’s back… with her boyfriend.
My walk down memory lane is cut short when I hear Lexi ask Ari, “Do you have any plans tonight? Caleb is throwing me a party, and I’d really love it if you could make it!”
“Um…” Ari glances my way, averting her eyes quickly when she finds me still watching her. “I don’t know… I would have to check with Brody.”
The mention of his name provokes me, forcing me to break my silence. “It’s a belated birthday bash for Lexi,” I say, and Ari’s eyes instantly grow colder at the sound of my voice. “The reason we’re forced to throw it a few weeks late is because she was shot a few days prior.” That may have been a bit crass, but I’m too pissed to show any sensitivity. “It’s bad karma to turn down an invitation from the birthday girl, especially one that came so close to death.”
“Really, Caleb?” Lexi chides.
“It’s okay, he’s right,” Ari agrees with me, but her eyes express the complete opposite. “At the very least, count me in. I’ll extend the invitation to Brody, but I will be there regardless of his decision.”
“Just as well. The list is getting pretty full anyway, you should really leave the boy at home,” I chime in again.
All three women turn disapproving glares my way. It’s a solid attempt to intimidate me into shutting up, I’m sure, but a wasted effort nonetheless. I refuse to cower. I’m not going to lie for the sake of being polite. I don’t want to see the kid there, and that’s the honest truth. There’s an excellent chance I may end up starting something I shouldn’t. No one wants that.
