“You’re my Bethie.” For him, that said it all.
Still wanted to know what being his really meant, but she wasn’t going to ask. Not after one week. Not when she was going thousands of miles away.
They didn’t say much during the ride to the airport. He put a CD in of bouncy punk trying to lift their spirits and give them something else to focus on. They parked. He carried her suitcase. She wished he could see her all the way to the gate.
“Everything I could say feels like statin’ the obvious,” he said when he could go no further. “Of course I’ll miss you.”
“Of course you want me to have a safe flight.”
“Of course I wish you could stay longer.” They leaned into each other, touching foreheads.
“Me, too.” She sighed. “Well, there’s Christmas…”
“Yeah…” His arms tightened around her. “I’ll send you a copy of the demo soon as we pick a cover shot.”
“Looking forward to it.” She tilted her face up and kissed him, hoping he would feel what she couldn’t say.
Hoping it would help him not forget me.
He moaned and pressed her closer. The crowd, the airport, the take-off noise—it all fell away. They made out until someone tapped her on the shoulder. The security guard stood there with a raised brow until they parted contact. She blushed. Jacob was unapologetic, staring right back.
“Move along,” the guard said, and continued on his rounds.
“I need—”
“To go. Yeah. Call me when you get home.”
“It’ll be late.”
“Beth, do you think I care?”
Her cheeks reddened further. “No…”
He hugged her, then let go. “Go. Before I drag you home.”
She nodded and turned to the security line. As long as she didn’t look back, she could do this.
Chapter Fourteen
Beth slept on the plane, but not as much as she hoped. Dad and Mom picked her up at Baggage Claim. She smiled for them. Didn’t know what else to do.
Mom hugged her while Daddy looked for her suitcase. “I’m sorry you cut your trip short, honey. This is all going to be very routine.”
“I hope so, Mom.” She looked the same as when Beth left, still beautiful. That comforted her, and she realized she’d feared her mother would be weak and sickly already. “It’s okay. I still saw a lot.”
“I want to hear all about it.”
“Geeze, Elizabeth, what’d you bring back? Lead?” It sounded like a complaint, but he was teasing.
“Just some books, Dad. It’s not that heavy.”
He grunted, his usual reply, and started for the car. They followed, sharing a look of what can you do. The familiar was comforting.
At home, Beth took her stuff into her room to unpack. Dad was grilling dinner tonight and Mom knew she liked to reestablish normal when she came home from a trip, so she was left alone.
A week ago, this room had been her sanctuary. Now, as she put dirty clothes in the hamper and set aside souvenirs on her bed, it seemed smaller, inadequate. One week, and the room felt like a young girl’s, not a college student’s. She hadn’t redecorated since sophomore year when she wanted to go back to school as a young woman and put away all the stuffed toys except for one bear sitting on her dresser. Everything that didn’t say “teenager” went into a box in the garage.
Jacob said he didn’t recognize the place. She took that as a compliment.
It was the bed, she thought, that really made her notice. White-painted metal, twin-size, and girly. Her father put it together when she was ten. He thought girls should be all about pink and sweetness and frilly dresses. It took bringing home a dissected frog from seventh grade Biology to convince him that wasn’t her.
Checking her watch first, she reached for the phone and called Jacob.
“Hey, baby,” he said. Made her feel good he picked up on the second ring.
“Hope you don’t always answer the phone like that.”
“I was waiting for your call. What are you up to?” The warmth in his voice loosened the knot in her stomach a bit.
“Unpacking, as far as my parents are concerned. I finished already.” She stretched out on the bed.
“Where are you?”
“On my bed. This thing is really too small for me now.”
He laughed. “My mother spoiled you.”
“You spoiled me.”
He sucked in a breath. “Kitten…”
Hadn’t meant to go to the sexy place. “I’m not a baby feline.”
“No, but you are adorable and possess sharp claws and teeth.”
She smiled. “Metaphorical, maybe.”
“Sweetheart, I’ve got a bite mark.”
Oh, god…where did I do that? “Um…”
“Still there, love?”
“I’m here.” She cleared her throat. “How was the gig?”
“Rowdy. But we got paid. Had a pint with the boys, then came home to wait for you.”
Awww… “Your friends are going to start to hate me.”
“Bah…work is work, and what I do on my time is my soddin’ business.”
“Touchy subject?”
“Not yet. So…how is it being home again?”
She switched the phone to her other ear and sighed. “Like there’s an elephant in the room. Mom barraged me with a ton of questions about what I saw, and Dad pretty much didn’t talk at all. Not that he’s wordy to begin with, but…”
“I’m sure your mum will be fine, love. Could’ve just been a dirty scanner.”
“I hope so.” Thinking of the C-word was too huge, too scary. The what-ifs had been hard to ignore since Dad told her the biopsy news.
“Beth?”
“Sorry… I’m here.”
“You okay?”
She swallowed the lump of worry in her throat. “I don’t know.”
“Oh, baby… I wish I could hold you right now. Try not to think ahead of what you know, alright? She’s still healthy and active, right?”
“Yeah.” Presumably.
“Then that’s the truth until you know otherwise.”
It was good advice. “You’re occasionally smart, Jacob Lindsey,” she teased.
“Oh, you’ll pay for that one next time I see you.”
“Ooo, I’m scared. You barely outweigh me.” Probably not true, but guaranteed to rile him up. Her boyfriend’s vanity was a sure thing.
“Hey, there’s muscle on this frame!”
“Uh-huh.”
“I miss you,” he said, his voice soft and affectionate. The sudden turn surprised her.
“Miss you, too.” After last night, she wouldn’t have left for anything but the most important circumstances. She ached for him now. “I’ll call you tomorrow as soon as I…know.”
“I can—” He yawned. “I can stay on with you.”
So sweet. “I’ve heard the tired in your voice the whole time, Jacob. And I know you didn’t get to sleep much.”
“Mmm, best reason to stay up, though. Gonna dream about you, love. Sure you don’t wanna chat? I don’t have to be anywhere in the mornin’.” He yawned again, and apologized.
“Go to bed.”
“It’s lacking a soft-skinned brunette.”
She turned red at the seductive purr in his voice. At least he couldn’t see it this time. “Nothing I can do about that,” she said. “But I’m sure you’ll pass right out.”
“Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow, love.”
“Count on it. Bye…” She pressed “end” on the keypad.
Beth loved that he wanted her there still, but emphasizing it only made it more difficult to bear. Her heart wanted to be in two places at once.
A knock on the door, then, “Elizabeth…”
“Yes, Mom?”
She opened the door and stuck her head around it. “Dinner, honey.”
“Okay.” She put the phone on the stand and followed her out.
Beth grabbed her glass off th
e table and went to the refrigerator. Dad walked in from outside with a plate of chicken. She heard the “thunk” of the plate hitting the table, then his chair sliding on the floor when he sat. The grilled veggies were already on the table. Her glass full of Snapple Iced Tea, she took her place.
It was the most quiet, awkward dinner she could remember them having. Dad complimented Mom on the marinade, she complimented him on the chicken, and Beth kept her mouth full to keep from asking questions she wasn’t sure she wanted answers to. Mom tried asking more about her trip, but with Daddy sitting there like a lump, she didn’t want to talk about it. He cleared his plate, then excused himself to his study for “work”.
“Well, that was fun,” she muttered.
“Elizabeth.”
“Sorry, Mom.” She took her plate into the kitchen and got a bowl for ice cream.
She sighed. “No, you’re right… I considered not telling your father until I knew something conclusive, knowing how he’d be, how he’d worry.”
“Are you worried?”
She handed Beth the chocolate ice cream. “Nervous. But, it isn’t the first time in my life there has been a lump in my breast, so I’m expecting it to be another cyst.”
“A cyst would be good?” Beth scooped three scoops into her bowl, then offered her mother the carton.
She shook her head, put the lid back on the ice cream, and put it in the freezer. “They’re usually benign, and they drained the last one and it was done. Or, it might just be a calcium deposit. I really wish your father hadn’t interrupted your vacation, honey.”
Me, too, under different circumstances. “It’s okay. I want to be here. So, how does this go tomorrow?”
“The procedure won’t take long. My doctor is going to take a look with an ultrasound, then get a sample of the lump.”
“Cut you open?”
“Probably not. Don’t worry, Elizabeth, I’m not going to come home looking like Swiss cheese.”
She stuffed ice cream in her mouth and muttered, “Glad you can joke about it.” Mom didn’t look up from washing the dishes, so she either didn’t hear her or chose not to comment.
Beth wished she could be as non-ruffled as her mother was right now, but she guessed she was more like Dad—too many thoughts to be glib. Back in her room, she set the bowl on her desk and looked in the drawers for a notepad, needing to write down the questions she had.
A biopsy was taking a small sample piece for testing, but what if they look at the thing and want to get rid of all of it? Mom hadn’t told her how big it was. That mattered, right, for how long it’d been in the body…how bad it could be? And were there good kinds of breast cancer vs. bad ones, like the grades of skin cancer?
As they rode to the doctor’s office the next morning, she wondered if her brother knew. If Mom was sick, Beth knew he’d come, but could he and Dad put aside their differences for her sake? The stress wouldn’t be good for her and Beth would be stuck as referee.
They were ten minutes early and they took Mom right in after she filled out the paperwork. She explained on the way that the doctor would be sticking a needle into the lump and pulling out a bit of tissue—no cutting today. Dad read a golf magazine, or pretended to. Beth watched the clock.
“When will we know?” she asked when Mom and the doc came back to the waiting room.
“Twenty-four to forty-eight hours,” the doctor said. “It depends on how busy the lab is. I’ll be in touch, Sarah,” she told Mom.
“Thanks,” Mom said. She looked the same, except for not carrying her purse on her shoulder.
“Did it hurt?” Beth asked her.
“She gave me a local,” she said. “It just felt a little odd. Now, who wants brunch?”
Dad opened the door for her, took her hand to walk back to the car, and that was it. They were ignoring the elephant.
Beth didn’t flippin’ care about brunch. “Mom, is that all you’re going to say?”
“Elizabeth, I don’t know anything more to say. We have to wait.”
“How can you be so calm?”
“Elizabeth, that’s enough,” Dad said. He glared at her. She glared back.
He dropped her at home with a line about “fixing her attitude”. It was his clumsy way of protecting Mom. Alone in the house, she went for the phone and called Jacob.
“’Ello.”
“I’m glad you’re home,” she said.
“Beth? It’s good to hear your voice, love. How’d it go?”
“We have to wait another day or two for results. My parents are trying to pretend everything’s normal and I hate it.”
“I’m sorry, baby. Wish I could say somethin’ to make it better.”
“Listening helps. They don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even know if they’ve told my brother.” She sighed. “What did you do today?”
“Slept late, thought about you in the shower—”
“Oh my god…”
“You asked,” he said, and chuckled.
“You are so dirty.”
“And you like it.” His voice dropped to that tone that made her knees weak.
Hello, wet panties. “When it’s…appropriate,” she said.
He laughed again. “Got you to smile, didn’t I?”
“Yeah… Did you do anything out of the house today?”
“Nope, except for picking up takeout. Been writing.”
She liked the sound of that. “A new song?”
“Parts. Spent more time on course work—”
“You’re not in classes right now.”
“—so I won’t get buried this term.”
“You…were studying ahead?” It didn’t compute in her brain.
“Yeah. If I’m gonna have time to talk to you, I can’t slack off like usual, can I?”
“No…well, I…I’m impressed.” And touched.
“Advantage of makin’ friends ahead of me—I know what profs always assign the same crap every year. Between jobs right now, so I got the time.”
“It’s a good plan.”
“Thank you.” He dropped the defensive edge to his tone. “What are your plans until moving day?”
Summer plans? She hadn’t thought about it since coming home. “I don’t know…depends on Mom’s diagnosis, I guess. If she needs…if there are needs, I want to help.” Had to. “Well, I shouldn’t run up the phone bill…”
“Alright, love. Call me whenever you want to, though, okay? I miss you.”
“Miss you, too, Jacob. Bye.” She hung up, though it hurt to do so.
It sucked more than ever to be on opposite sides of an ocean. She craved him physically, and not just his kisses or his touch. There was a place he filled in her soul she hadn’t known was empty.
When the house phone rang at eight the next morning, she knew it was the doctor. Sure, it could’ve been a telemarketer or something, but she just knew—this was it. She stared at the phone next to her bed and waited for someone to pick it up. It stopped after two rings.
A door opened and shut down the hall. Dad left for work at seven, so it had to be Mom unless he called in sick. Beth waited with the sheet kicked off her legs, staring at the ceiling.
Ten minutes later, a soft knock on her door. “I’m awake,” she said. Mom came in, still holding the phone. “It was bad news, wasn’t it?” Beth asked without looking at her face.
“Yes, honey. My doctor has some time this afternoon, so I’ll be going by the office and hearing my options.” She sat on the bed. “Beth, just because it’s cancer, that doesn’t mean we’re looking at dire circumstances, okay?”
She nodded. “Yeah, Mom. I know,” she said for her sake. Mom patted her leg and left the room.
But she didn’t know. There were too many variables and she didn’t like it one bit.
Mom went into her dark room. Beth got up to get ready for the day and cried in the shower so she wouldn’t hear her. After dressing, she called Jacob. His voice mail picked up, so she left a short message and dial
ed Vivian’s. When she was unavailable, too, Beth left a note on the refrigerator saying she had an errand to run, and walked to the park.
It was a small park, with only a swing set and a jungle gym to climb on surrounded by a bit of grass. She and Jacob used to come here when he needed to burn off energy to focus. She’d drill him on test questions while he pumped on the swing high enough to be parallel with the ground. Always feared he’d screw up and crack his head open going so high.
She sat on a swing—her usual middle-right position—and swayed for a while. It wasn’t the same without him.
Dad wasn’t home, yet, when Mom needed to leave for her appointment, so Beth went along. The doctor didn’t mind her being there, so she took notes. Writing everything down gave her something to focus on other than the word cancer echoing in her head. They were going to do further testing, she said, to find out exactly what type Mom had, and schedule surgery to remove the tumor.
“Depending on the size and aggressiveness of the tumor, we’ll discuss whether a lumpectomy or more significant removal of tissue is appropriate.” She slid some pamphlets across the desk to Beth’s mother. “These can answer some basic questions, and there’s some info in there about local support groups.”
“Alright. Thank you, doctor,” Mom said.
She was quiet through most of the meeting, listening to the doctor explain technical terms and procedures. If Beth hadn’t been there, she wasn’t sure Mom would have asked any questions at all.
“You okay, Mom?” she asked as they were leaving.
She smiled. “Just a lot to take in, honey. Would you mind driving home? Think they took enough blood for a donation.”
She took the keys. “What was all that for, anyway?”
“She said she likes to give the patient a physical before starting treatment.”
“Hm. Better than going in blind, I guess.” Beth pressed the button for remote unlocking the car.
“Yep.”
When they got home, she made Mom eat something. Dad came back from work at his usual time—didn’t she call him with the diagnosis?—and they disappeared in their room for a while. Dinner was another awkward event.
Unless you went through cancer before or knew someone that did, you didn’t know about the waiting. Beth wanted that damn lump out of her mother yesterday, but apparently operating rooms didn’t sit around empty and waiting, and tests results didn’t magically reveal themselves.
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