by Mo O'Hara
She was staring at my left shoe with one eye and at the stage door with the other. ‘Pretty little kitty,’ she chanted over and over.
My look screamed, ‘Nooooooooooooooooooo!’
But no one was there to read my face.
‘Don’t you like what Fang has done to Sami?’ asked Mark. ‘I saw the receptionist walking her up to the front gate desk when I was coming back with Fang from make-up. I knew you had to be up to something, and I wasn’t going to have any morons, big or little, ruin things this time.’
Fang jumped up on to Mark’s shoulder and purred.
‘Besides, we needed to test Fang’s new hypnotic powers to make sure they really worked. The receptionist at the gate let Sami come with us right away when cute little Fang stared into her eyes. She’ll tell the security guards that the little girl’s mum came and picked her up, but she will stare at his left shoe and the wall when she says it.’
Mark stuck his hand in front of the tortoise and it snapped at him. Toby was clearly not zombified.
‘We tried to get the tortoise too,’ he muttered, ‘but who knew that tortoise shells are hypno-proof? Never mind, it can’t do anything interesting anyway.’ Mark peered at Toby. ‘Eating lettuce? What kind of talent is that? They even cut it from Fang’s final act.’
Toby actually looked a little hurt by that bit.
I waved my hand in front of Sami’s face. ‘Sami? Can you hear me?’ but she just kept chanting.
I glared up at my evil big brother. ‘You won’t get away with this!’
‘Really?’ Mark said. ‘I don’t think your little fishy friend can stop me, can he?’
Even though I’d been doing my best to keep Frankie in the bucket, he managed to burst out from under my fingers and throw himself at Mark. But before he could reach him, Fang leaped forwards and the two pets tumbled to the floor, Frankie tail-slapping at the kitten while she swiped her claws at him.
‘Ya know, I could watch this for hours but we’ve got a show to do.’ Mark scooped up Fang by the scruff of her neck and gently dropped her into his white lab-coat pocket. Frankie jumped back in his bucket. He tried to glare at Mark, but sighed when he remembered he’d lost his zombie powers and slumped down to the bottom of the water.
‘The fish is pretty useless now . . .’ Mark looked at me and smiled. ‘But just in case you aren’t, I should take care of you.’
Fang leaped back up on to Mark’s shoulder and glared at me. Her eyes glowed a deep zombie green. I closed my eyes tight, but Mark stomped hard on my trainer and when I opened my eyes again, Fang was right in front of my face staring hard.
‘Pretty little kitty,’ I chanted. One of my eyes looked at Mark’s left shoe and the other stared at the stage curtains.
‘Result,’ Mark smirked and Fang purred.
Just then, the casting-director lady came running up to Mark. ‘What was that shouting?’ She looked at me. ‘How did he get in here? Is he causing any problems?’
‘No, that’s just my little moron . . . I mean, my little brother.’ Mark smiled. ‘He wanted to stay and watch the show. He won’t be any trouble now. And this is my friend’s little sister. She’s a big fan.’
‘Good,’ the casting director said. ‘The audience are all seated and Solomon Caldwell has just arrived. We need to get you and that talented kitten in the green room with the other contestants, ready for the start of the show. We are live on air in five minutes and you’re up first!’ Then she leaned into Mark and whispered, ‘Your kitten is a shoo-in to win this. None of the other pets that made the show are even close to her level of talent.’
Fang miaowed a proud (and evil) miaow.
Sami and I were still quietly chanting, ‘Pretty little kitty.’
‘Ahh, that’s sweet,’ the casting director said. ‘They really are big fans of the kitten.’
She rushed Mark away with Fang still purring on his shoulder, a slight green glint in her eyes. Sami toddled after them.
Suddenly Pradeep and Geeky Girl swung down from the curtain rails. So that’s where they had hidden when Mark came in!
Boris flew down and sat on the edge of Frankie’s bucket.
‘Tom! Tom! Speak to me!’ cried Pradeep, shaking me by the shoulders. He shook me so hard I thought I would keel over.
‘He’s a kitten zombie slave now,’ Geeky Girl said sadly. ‘There’s nothing we can do.’
‘Noooooo!’ cried Pradeep. ‘He was my best friend!’
‘Has Mark gone?’ I whispered.
‘What?’ said Pradeep.
‘Has Mark gone?’ I whispered again.
‘Yes,’ Geeky Girl said, looking around.
‘Phew, it worked!’ I smiled.
Pradeep’s look said, ‘What worked?’ But it said it in a very loud and kinda irritated way.
‘Mark’s hypno-proof contact lenses. I found them in Mark’s bag. I thought I should put them in, just in case I got a little too close to Fang.’
Frankie splashed me from his bucket.
‘Well, it was more Frankie’s idea,’ I admitted.
‘Is Sami wearing them too?’ Pradeep asked.
‘No, he got her for real,’ I said. ‘Sorry.’
We could see the casting director seating Sami in the audience between the kid with the roller-skating beagle and Rabbit Girl. She was holding Toby and a bottle of water on her lap. ‘At least she’s safe for now,’ Pradeep said.
‘Now that Mark thinks I’m a zombie slave, he won’t be worried if I get close to Fang,’ I added. ‘Is the scanner all wired up and ready to go?’
‘Yep,’ Pradeep said. He picked up Frankie’s bucket and tied one of the curtain ropes to the handle. ‘Geeky Girl and I will keep hiding above the stage. Frankie can hide with us too. He’ll give Mark and Fang a wet surprise when we need him too, won’t you, Frankie?’
Frankie tail-fived Pradeep.
‘Boris, are you good on your part of the plan?’ Geeky Girl asked. Boris cawed quietly and then flitted back up into the curtains while Pradeep and Geeky Girl climbed up the ladder at the side of the stage.
I went and stood by the green-room door. Mark and Fang would be coming out any second, so I made sure to keep mumbling ‘Pretty little kitty’.
Meanwhile Solomon Caldwell, the famous talent show host, appeared just by my side. He smoothed his moustache, tucked his T-shirt carefully into his trousers, flicked a touch of dust from his jacket lapel and strode out on to the stage.
‘Hello –’ he paused – ‘. . . wherever we are!’ and the audience laughed and clapped.
‘Now the show is about to start, and boy, do we have an impressive example of pet talent from your home town tonight! You won’t believe your eyes!’
Mark and Fang walked out of the green room behind me, and Solomon glanced over. A look of ‘I’ve seen you somewhere before but I just can’t place you’ came across his face. Then he turned back to the crowd.
‘So, my lovely audience, in the next moment or so this little green light will come on and that means that we are broadcasting live.’ He pointed to a light on the camera. ‘Just keep your reactions natural when we’re on air and please no begging for autographs or photos.’ The audience laughed again. ‘I didn’t mean my autograph, I meant the paw prints of all the talented pets we have on! Say it with me . . .’
As the theme music started and the green light came on, the audience said together, ‘MY PET’S GOT TALENT!’
Solomon Caldwell led them in their applause and then silenced them with his ‘on air’ welcome speech.
I looked up and winked at Pradeep and Geeky Girl. Frankie flicked down a little drop of water from his bucket up out of sight above the stage. We were ready for action!
‘Our first act of the night is a multi-talented little kitty from just around the corner,’ said Solomon once the applause had died down. ‘She’s called Fang, although if I were naming her I would definitely call her “Cutie Pie”.’
Fang winced and bared her teeth when Solomon said
‘Cutie Pie’, and I could hear Mark whispering, ‘Never mind that, Fang. Please don’t attack the host. Just think of the lifetime’s supply of catnip and world domination!’
‘Let’s see what this talented little cat can do,’ Solomon went on, motioning to Mark to set Fang down on a pedestal that had been placed in front of the backdrop (which was hiding the scanner and our talent-transmission device from Mark, Fang and the audience).
Next to the pedestal was a canvas on an easel and some paints, as well as a dish of bubble mixture. Solomon walked off to the side of the stage with Mark while Fang sat still, cleaning her paws.
‘Awwwwww!’ the audience sighed.
Mark waved at Fang and she leaped off the pedestal. Underneath were some roller-skates. She jumped into them and started skating around the stage with ease.
The audience ‘Oohed’ and ‘Aahed’, and I swear I could see the lips of the boy with the beagle mumbling, ‘She’s not as good as Charlie.’ He patted his floppy-eared, disappointed-looking dog.
Next Fang stepped out of the roller-skates and pushed a top hat out from under the pedestal. She stuck her head inside and pulled out a very surprised-looking rabbit by the scruff of its neck.
Most of the audience went ‘Oooooohhhhhhh’. Except for Rabbit Girl, who I think was saying, ‘That’s where Roy went!’
Fang jumped back into the roller-skates and started miaowing the tune to Star Wars. At the same time she licked up a little bit of bubble mix and blew Mona Lisa-shaped bubbles in the air. As if this wasn’t enough, she was also using her tail to paint a few strokes on the canvas each time she skated past. It was emerging as a lovely French Impressionist sunset.
The ferret in the audience scrambled on to its owner’s head to get a better look. Then it tutted and pulled its beret down over his eyes.
The audience was captivated. They couldn’t get enough. Solomon Caldwell leaned into Mark and I could hear him saying, ‘I’ve never seen an audience so mesmerized by an act before!’
Mark smiled and a tiny evil laugh escaped. He covered it up like he was clearing his throat.
‘Mwhaa, haa, um, ahem, ahem!’ He smiled at Solomon. ‘Yeah, mesmerized. You have no idea how mesmerized they’ll all be by the end.’ He snapped his fingers.
Fang jumped out of the skates and on to the pedestal, her eyes starting to brighten with a green glow. She was going into full zombie stare mode!
Boris spotted the change right away and cawed to Geeky Girl to signal it was time. Then he flew out into the audience just as Pradeep and Geeky Girl pulled up the backdrop from behind Fang, revealing the scanner.
Geeky Girl’s email to the owners of pets that had had their talents stolen had told them exactly what to do when they saw Boris fly in during the show.
Right on cue, they released their pets. In seconds the stage was filled with a swarm of jumping, running, hopping and scampering animals.
Solomon Caldwell rushed back on stage to try and calm everything down, but was met by Tugger the ferret who ran up his trouser leg, climbed around inside his suit jacket and eventually appeared on the top of Solomon’s head.
Mark shouted to Fang, ‘Just keep up the stare, Fang. Keep going!’
‘Now!’ I yelled, giving up my zombie act, and Pradeep tipped Frankie’s bucket right on top of Fang.
As the water hit her she wailed, ‘MEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!’ If there is one thing that kittens hate even more than zombie goldfish, it’s water. So water containing a zombie goldfish has to be the ultimate kitten nightmare!
Fang leaped off the pedestal and landed right inside the open scanner behind her, desperate to avoid the water.
I slammed shut the lid while Geeky Girl threw the switch to set the scanner going and a buzzing, charging sound filled the stage.
Frankie was flipping around on the floor as Mark rushed up to try and break Fang free. I had to stop him! I grabbed the first thing that I could – the sunset canvas that Fang had painted – and bopped Mark over the head.
The canvas broke when it hit his head (which only slowed him down a little) but then I pulled the frame down over his shoulders so he couldn’t lift up his arms to open the lid of the scanner.
‘Nooooo!’ Mark shouted as I hung on to the frame, keeping him trapped.
Pradeep and Geeky Girl were busy attempting to round up the rest of the pets, so it was up to me to get Frankie in front of the talent-transmission device thingy that Pradeep had rigged up so he would get his zombie powers back.
But I couldn’t let go of the canvas frame or Mark would get away!
The whole stage was in chaos. The easel had fallen over, the beagle was carrying Toby around in his mouth like an oversized chew toy, the two rabbits were fighting over the top hat, and the ferret on Solomon’s head had pulled off the host’s toupee and run off with it.
Solomon quickly grabbed the top hat from one of the rabbits and put it on to cover his bald head.
‘Boris!’ I yelled, as Mark jerked around, trying to escape from the frame. ‘You need to get Frankie in front of the scanner . . . now!’
‘Caw!’ Boris replied. He swooped down and grabbed Frankie by the tail. Then he held him right in front of the talent-transmission device, just as the scanner had powered up to full.
‘Way to go, Boris!’ Geeky Girl whooped from the other side of the stage. ‘That’s my bird!’
A buzz came out of the transmitter and all the animals on stage immediately stopped what they were doing as their fur or feathers stood on end with a static-electric charge.
‘Noooooo!’ yelled Mark.
Boris dropped Frankie and shook out his own feathers as if he had had a tiny electric shock.
Frankie flopped down on top of the scanner, twitched, and opened his eyes. They were his own powerful zombie green once more!
The sound quietened as the machine finished and turned itself off.
By now the casting director and security guards had all jumped up on stage and were trying to shoo the animals back to their seats. Solomon was attempting to wrestle his toupee back off the ferret, and the audience was laughing and clapping as if they had never seen anything so funny in all their lives.
I guess they thought this was all part of the show.
Sami jumped up from her seat. ‘Naughty little kitty!’ she said as she ran up on to the stage. ‘Swishy fishy OK?’
She had her bottle of water with her. I finally let go of the frame that was trapping Mark, grabbed Frankie’s bucket and poured the water into it.
Frankie jumped in and swam around. He looked happier than I’ve ever seen him.
At the same time Mark pulled himself free of the frame. He opened the lid of the scanner and picked up Fang. ‘Are you OK?’ he said to the tired-looking kitten. ‘Go on, zombify them all! Let them have it!’
Fang squinted and tried her best to do a zombie glare but nothing came.
While Mark was distracted, Pradeep and Geeky Girl looped some strong curtain rope around him, trapping his arms by his sides for the second time in less than five minutes.
‘As you would say, Mark,’ Pradeep said, ‘Result!’
Frankie was just about to leap out of the bucket and go for Fang when I stopped him.
‘Wait a second, Frankie. Does anything seem different to you?’ I looked around at the other animals on the stage. Pradeep, Sami and Geeky Girl looked around too.
Charlie the beagle was painting what looked like a dog bone floating through a sky full of clouds on the stage floor.
Tugger the ferret was doing magic tricks while sitting on Solomon Caldwell’s shoulder, and had pulled Solomon’s toupee out of the top hat.
The bunnies, Siegfried and Roy, were now each in one roller-skate and doing a very complicated roller-dance routine, weaving in and out of the other pets.
All the pets seemed happy with their new talents.
Solomon Caldwell took his toupee from the ferret, readjusted it and walked to the centre of the stage. He looked like he was about to scream at t
he casting director, so she quickly pointed at the green light on the camera. ‘We are still live on TV!’ she mouthed.
Instead Solomon smiled his Hollywood smile and said, ‘Well, that was a big surprise! We went from one talented little cat to a whole room full of talented pets. That just goes to show that you can’t keep a talented pet off the stage, can you?’
The audience clapped and cheered. I heard people saying, ‘This is the best My Pet’s Got Talent ever!’, ‘I’m going to watch every week if the show is this good!’ and ‘That was the funniest thing I’ve seen on TV in ages!’
The casting director was listening to something on her headset. Then she held up a sign saying ‘Go to Commercial Break’.
The green light went off and the casting director rushed on to the stage.
‘The viewing figures are through the roof!’ she squealed. ‘There are already millions of hits on our website where we’ve posted a clip from the show. And more people tuned in in the last three minutes then have watched all season put together. We’ve gone viral!’
Solomon Caldwell grinned. Then he whispered. ‘But what about my hair?’
‘Everyone thinks it was staged for the show. They love it!’ the casting director said.
Geeky Girl and Pradeep came over to stand with me and Sami and Frankie. Solomon looked over at us with that same look of ‘I’ve seen you before – but where?’
Then he looked at Frankie. ‘Of course, Robin Hood!’ he said, coming over and shaking our hands and patting Frankie on the head. ‘You were in that strange but brilliant school production of Robin Hood I saw here with the flying goldfish. Thanks for making this such an exciting show.’
Fang had managed to chew Mark free of the curtain rope and they stumbled over to Solomon.
‘What about Fang winning the show?’ Mark said. ‘She was the most talented pet, right? So she must still win?’
