by L. A. Witt
“Matt, for God’s sake, we agreed—”
“I know what we agreed to.” Matt narrowed his eyes. “I also know that I’m not the only one who’s been acting like this isn’t some casual thing. So either you’re in some serious denial, or you’re damn good at making a man feel like you feel something you don’t. And either way?” The corners of his mouth twitched as he shook his head. “I’m not interested.”
Staring at Matt, Jon struggled to comprehend what he was saying.
“So.” Matt inched closer to the door. “I’m gonna go.” Jon took a breath to speak, but Matt put a hand up. “Don’t. I’m done.”
Jon was too dumbstruck to protest and too paralyzed to stop him from leaving, and Matt brushed past him without another word.
The front door clicked shut.
And just like that, he was gone.
Jon sank onto the leather sofa and released his breath. Well, it could’ve been worse. They could’ve dragged this out until they hated each other. Broken up with some dramatic screaming match, or at the very least, after saying some things that couldn’t be taken back.
Instead, Matt had called time and bowed out gracefully. He said his piece. He put on the brakes. He left.
And it was over.
They’d established the rules from the start, and now they each wanted something different. So this was for the best. No point in continuing if one wanted what the other wouldn’t give.
Leaning back against the sofa, he scrubbed a hand over his face. Over and over, he told himself that this needed to happen. And it wasn’t like he’d expected things with Matt to last forever. Friends with benefits always ended eventually.
He just hadn’t expected the end to hurt this much.
Chapter 30
Matt couldn’t focus.
Not on sketching. Not on inventorying ink. Not on a goddamned thing.
“Distracted” didn’t even begin to describe it. That was how he’d been in the beginning, back when his mind was so preoccupied with anticipation and fantasies that he couldn’t focus on anything else.
Today, he was just . . . empty. Numb. The simplest tasks took way more effort than usual, and he didn’t have it in him to put forth even a normal amount.
He’d downloaded Tinder last night and browsed it for a while, but no one caught his interest. Ditto with Grindr. He wasn’t interested in men or women. The thought of tumbling into bed with someone for some wild, sheet-ripping sex to get Jon out of his mind was more exhausting than enticing.
Sitting at the drafting table in the back of the shop, a blank sketchpad in front of him, he swore under his breath. This was bullshit. He wasn’t about to let Jon hurt his career, though. He had bills to pay.
Now wasn’t a time for any of the artists to slack off, either. The gym at the other end of the strip mall was seeing its usual January explosion in memberships, and being the shrewd businessman he was, Colin had persuaded a steady stream of those new clients to swing by Skin Deep, Inc. There were plenty of tire kickers, of course, but the appointment calendar was filling up fast.
In the last week, Matt had booked four custom pieces. All he had to do was sketch the damn things, and he could make money off them. But that meant having two brain cells to rub together, and it just wasn’t happening. Not after last night.
At the other drafting table, Lucas was sketching quickly. His eyes darted back and forth between his sketch and a reference image.
Matt put his pencil down. “Looks like you’re keeping busy.”
Lucas smiled shyly. “Yeah. Lot of people coming in for cover-ups all of a sudden.”
“New Year’s.” Matt shrugged. “Everyone wants a fresh start.” Something tugged at his chest, and he bit down on a groan. Everything had to circle back to Jon, didn’t it? Jon, who wanted a fresh start too. Or, at least, wanted to rewind everything back to when it was, in his mind, perfect—all sex and nothing else.
Matt forced back the bitterness. It was for the better. He didn’t know how long Jon had expected this thing to go on. How long he’d thought Matt could play along with the two of them acting like a couple when it was really nothing. All Matt knew was that he couldn’t do it anymore. He was glad he’d broken things off. It was the right thing to do.
Now if the heartache would go away and his brain would come back, he’d be good.
“Hey. Huffman.” Colin appeared beside him, brow furrowed with concern. “You doing all right?”
Matt faced him. “Kinda seems like I should be asking you that?”
The faintest ghost of a wince flickered across Colin’s lips. “I’m fine. It’s going to be a long six months, but . . .” He waved a hand. “You’ve been down in the dumps all day, though. What’s going on?”
There wasn’t a lot of point in trying to hide it from Colin. For as slick as the guy was about keeping his own problems out of sight, he was intuitive as fuck about everyone else’s.
Matt ran a hand through his hair. “I broke things off with Jon.”
“Oh. If it’s not too personal . . . why?”
Matt exhaled. “Because he wanted to keep things casual.”
“And you didn’t?”
“Well, it’s not . . .” Matt pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead, then dropped it and looked at his boss. “It’s not that I wanted something more. It felt like things had already turned into more, you know? And then he turned around and said it was just sex, and that was all it’d been since the beginning.” His face burned. “Sorry. That’s probably TMI from an employee.”
“No, it’s okay.” Colin pressed his hip against the massage table. “I get it, by the way. Relationships do that. You get closer with time. And yeah, if you thought things were more than just friends with benefits, and he didn’t?” Colin shrugged. “Shit, I’d leave too. You obviously weren’t on the same page.”
“No, we weren’t.” Matt sighed. “God, it sucks, though. Because I haven’t felt like that about anyone in a long time.” Ever. I’ve never felt this way about someone.
Colin seemed to mull it over for a moment. Then he looked Matt in the eye. “I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but I’m going to guess you did the right thing.”
“I know.” Matt sighed. He sagged back in his chair and absently toed the desk so he’d swivel a few degrees from side to side. “It sucks, but I don’t think there was much else I could do. I think I’m just pissed that he still has this much of a hold on me.”
“Give it time. I mean, I feel ya. Believe me. Been there, done that.” He shuddered, and Matt barely kept himself from doing the same. He hadn’t known Colin when he’d been with his horrible ex-boyfriend, but the damage that man had left behind was still visible years later. Colin swallowed. “Anyway, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Seemed like you two were really into each other.”
“Yeah.” Matt sighed. “I mean, I guess it wasn’t all bad. I figured out I am definitely bi.”
Colin laughed quietly. “I always wondered about that, to be honest.”
“You and everyone else. Apparently I was the last one to figure it out.” Matt pinched the bridge of his nose. “Just could’ve done with things turning out a little differently with Jon.”
“I don’t doubt it.” Colin squeezed his shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I was rooting for you.”
“Thanks.” And suddenly the sympathy in Colin’s voice made the ball of lead in Matt’s gut turn to guilt. He lowered his hand and turned to his boss. “Seriously, man—how are you doing? With Daniel being deployed?”
Colin’s lips tightened, and he offered a half-shrug. “One day at a time. I’ll be okay.”
“Good. Good. Glad to hear it.”
Colin studied him. “You will too, you know.”
A lump rose in Matt’s throat, and somehow he managed to whisper, “I guess we’ll see.”
Chapter 31
Nothing could get Matt off Jon’s mind.
He’d slept hard the first n
ight. In fact he’d practically passed out the way he sometimes did after a long flight during combat when his bird wasn’t the only thing running on fumes. He’d been equal parts exhausted and numb, and he’d collapsed into bed and slept.
Since that night, sleep had been about as elusive as concentration.
Everything was wrong. At night, he couldn’t sleep. During the day, he couldn’t function.
The lack of banter to keep him going during the boring parts of his job had him restless and twitchy. At first, he’d tried to blame it on Nate being on leave. Without his copilot, his partner in crime, his best friend, the workday dragged. Especially since it took two to fly a Super Hornet. As long as Nate was gone, Jon was, for all intents and purposes, grounded unless another squadron loaned him a RIO. Since Jon’s squadron was pretty sedate at the moment—they were still only a few months off their last deployment—no one was in a huge hurry to grab him a temporary copilot.
Fine by him. When he was in the air, he would have to pull it together. Ironically, the cockpit of his plane was the only place he couldn’t coast by on autopilot, and he had to have his game face on.
He was going crazy with boredom and without the usual banter with Nate, but that wasn’t the worst of it. No one was texting him with racy promises and suggestions. When the day was over, there was nowhere to hurry off to and no one waiting for him at home. No Last appointment’s over—see you in a few texts. No gorgeous man warming one side of his bed. All he had was an empty condo.
By the time the weekend rolled around, Jon was getting stir crazy. He fired up every hookup app he had on his phone. Went to three different clubs over the course of two nights. Chatted. Danced. Even made out briefly with a guy he’d have absolutely taken home any other time. But not that night, because his mind kept going back to Matt.
Even jerking off was a minefield. He could get hard and get turned on, but somehow Matt always crept into his fantasies until Jon finally gave in and let himself think about him.
After work the next Friday night, Jon stopped in to see how Nate was doing. The house seemed bare on the inside, especially without their wedding photos on the TV stand. Some furniture and decorations were missing too—things Caleb had undoubtedly taken to his new place. Nate looked exhausted and shell-shocked, but his eyes were clearer than they’d been a week ago.
Jon and Nate lounged on the couch, beers in hand, and Nate eyed him. “Why aren’t you with Matt tonight?”
“Figured you could use some company.”
“So you’re meeting up with him later?”
Jon winced, avoiding Nate’s eyes.
“Jon.” Shit. He’d skipped over the call sign and gone straight to his first name. “What did you do?”
“Why do you assume I did something?”
Nate shot him a pointed look.
Jon sighed and stared into his beer bottle. “We . . . wanted different things, all right?”
“Meaning?”
Jon ground his teeth. He was not in the mood to talk about Matt, let alone why he wasn’t with Matt right now. “He wanted things to get serious. I didn’t.” He shrugged tightly. “So he left.”
“Wait. Wait. Wait.” Nate sat up, pressing his elbows onto his knees. “What do you mean he wanted things to get serious? Weren’t they already?”
“Uh, no?”
Nate’s eyebrows shot up. “You guys have been inseparable for months. I don’t think I’ve seen you so much as look at another man since . . . hell, I don’t know when. Unless he was planning a trip to Vegas to elope, or trying to get you to sign a lease together, how much more serious can you get?”
Jon took a long pull from his beer. “More serious than I wanted. Look, I told him from the start I wanted things to stay casual. He decided that wasn’t what he wanted. So, he left.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Ha, ha. Thanks.”
“No, I’m serious. You’re an idiot.”
Jon blinked.
Nate looked right back at him, expression hard.
Gritting his teeth, Jon said, “Look, I know you’re pissed about Caleb, but—”
“No, that’s not why I’m calling you an idiot.”
“Then . . . what . . .”
Nate sighed, dropping back against the sofa. “I’m getting divorced because my husband can’t keep his dick out of other guys’ mouths. Maybe I’m an idiot for falling for him in the first place. I don’t know. Because I don’t know how long this had been going on, or . . .” He waved his hand. “But you. Jesus.” He glared at Jon. “You walked away from Matt—”
“He walked away from me,” Jon snapped.
“And I’d bet a tattoo on my ass that you all but shoved him out the door,” Nate threw back. “And it’s obviously killing you. You’re an idiot for stubbornly staying away from him.”
“So what I want doesn’t matter?”
“Jon.” Nate sighed in that exasperated way he did when he was at the end of his rope. “You’ve been practically swooning over him since day one. If he thought you were game for a serious relationship, I can sure as shit see why.”
A sudden lump rose in Jon’s throat, and he forced it back with another swallow of beer. “I liked him. I won’t lie. But goddamn, look at what you’re going through. That’s exactly what I’ve been afraid of my whole life.”
Nate winced. “So you’re letting go of someone who’s obviously perfect for you because he might fuck up in the future? Do you even hear yourself? You’re putting words into his mouth and giving yourself reasons to not want him. I mean, okay. How about this—what if he’s the love of your life? What if the reason you’re so fucked up over him right now is that you know deep down that there will never be anyone like him again, and if you don’t unfuck this situation before he moves on, you will regret losing him for the rest of your life?” He shook his head. “Yeah, it might blow up in your face. You guys might not work out. But what if you do? Do you really want to miss out on that?”
“If it means I miss out on the fallout when it doesn’t work? Yes.”
Nate exhaled. “You don’t know if there’ll be any fallout. You don’t know if he’ll cheat someday. Hell, maybe you will. You just have no idea. Something could happen to one of you, or you could decide you hate the sound of him chewing, or he might decide he’s tired of reminding you to take out the trash. But that’s just it—you don’t know. The only thing you do know right now—and God, I can see it all over your face—is that being without him is killing you.”
“Look, I miss him, but I’ll get over him.” Right? “I just don’t want to set myself up for a disaster. I don’t want to be in love with him or anyone else.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Christ. No wonder he dumped your ass. If you cut him loose for wanting more than sex, then you basically told him the last couple of months have been meaningless, when you’ve practically had I’m falling in love with him tattooed across your forehead for ages. It’d be like if you suddenly turned around and told me we were just pilot and RIO, and we weren’t friends.”
“We’ve been friends for years, though.”
“Yeah, and you’ve been something with him that isn’t ‘two guys playing with each other’s dicks.’”
Jon stared into his beer bottle. He didn’t know what to say. Or what to think. He couldn’t argue with Nate, but he also couldn’t accept that he’d gone and done the very thing he’d sworn he’d never do. He wasn’t in love with Matt. Right?
He rubbed his eyes.
“Jon, look at me.” When Jon lifted his gaze, Nate held it intently. “I’m not saying all this to be an asshole. I’ve known you for a long, long time, and in all that time, I have never seen someone make you trip over your own feet like Matt does. And I have never seen you this torn up over anyone after they’ve left.”
Jon avoided his gaze. “Okay, yeah. It hurts. But it needed to happen.”
“Why?”
“For one, this is the first time he’s even been with a man.”
“So what?”
“So how long before he gets curious and wants to play the field?”
“What if he doesn’t?” Nate huffed. “Do you know how insane you sound? The first sign of emotions, and you run like hell. And yet you’ll commit to a tattoo on your ass over a football game bet.”
“Something tells me getting the tattoo removed would hurt a lot less than losing him.”
“Probably, yeah. But I’m thinking it would be worth it for what it could be like to have him.” Nate sipped his beer. “I can’t change what happened to my marriage. Caleb cheated, and there’s no way I’ll ever trust him again. So obviously I don’t want to be with him. But you obviously love Matt. You have no reason not to trust him.” Nate leaned closer. “And you can change the fact that you’re not with him. So, what the hell are you waiting for? I mean, yeah, yeah, you might get hurt. And every time we go up in our bird, we might crash and burn and fucking die, but that doesn’t stop you from taking off, does it?”
Jon bit back his frustration and looked his RIO in the eye. “Weren’t you the one saying you should’ve skipped the whole marriage thing and just fucked around like—”
“Jon.” Nate sighed heavily. “That was, what, two hours after I found Caleb with another man’s dick up his ass?” He shook his head. “I was angry. I was hurt. I probably said a lot of things that didn’t sound like me.”
He had a point. Jon gnawed the inside of his cheek.
“I won’t tell you that you need a partner to be happy,” Nate continued. “That’s why I’ve never hassled you for swearing off relationships. But with the way you so fucking obviously feel about Matt? I think you’re going to be miserable if you let him go like this. And, I mean, Jesus. Jon.” Nate pinched the bridge of his nose, then dropped his hand into his lap and shot Jon an exasperated look. “You say you don’t want things with Matt to turn into a relationship. What do you think you’ve been doing with him all this time? Because I’ve seen the way you look at him, and that is not the way you look at a man you’re just fucking.”
