He tossed his phone down on the table and it landed with a clatter.
Fondly?
She dumped him by email and all he got was fondly?
Maybe she was right. Maybe now was the best time to end it, while it was still good. Maybe now she was open to the possibility, trusted herself enough to get out and meet people, make friends. Meet a man who would give her everything Colin couldn’t.
Or what if he could? What if he could be that man? What if he was ready?
He had a lot of thinking to do.
Seventeen
Rowena was in Dylan’s room Monday morning packing up his toys when she heard the door to her suite open. She expected it to be Tricia with more boxes, but in the mirror on Dylan’s dresser she saw her father walk in.
“Why aren’t you at work?” he snapped.
Hello, Father. Great to see you, too.
Then he noticed all the sealed boxes in the corner.
“What is this?” he demanded. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Packing.”
“What for?”
“Dylan and I are moving out.”
“You most certainly are not.”
“I most certainly am. I’m sick to death of living under your thumb, being treated like dirt. I need to take responsibility for myself and my son.”
“And how do you plan to do that?” he said, so smug and self-righteous she wanted to punch him. “What will you do for money? How will you pay for Dylan’s doctors and therapists? Where will you live?”
“I got a manager’s job at a day-care facility. It doesn’t pay much, and I don’t have much money saved, so I’m going to stay with Tricia until I can put together a security deposit on my own place. As for Dylan’s medical expenses, I’ll have a low enough income that he’ll qualify for public assistance. I’ve made arrangements to get on a payment plan with his doctors in the meantime.”
“No daughter of mine will be relying on public assistance,” he blustered. “I forbid it.”
“You can’t. You don’t own me anymore. I was a prisoner here, and I’m free now. I’m taking control of my life.”
“You don’t have the slightest clue how to do that.”
“I’m smarter and more capable than you think. Than you’ve ever given me credit for. And you’ve done your damnedest to keep me so beaten down emotionally and insecure that I would never realize it. So I would be stuck here.”
“You and Dylan need me.”
“Not as long as we have each other, and we have friends like Tricia.”
“You’re not fit to raise that boy on your own. I’ll see that he’s taken away from you.”
“The family law attorney I hired doesn’t think so. Well, I guess I didn’t actually hire her since she was more than happy to represent me pro bono. But go ahead and file for custody. She would love it. Last time I talked to her she was already drafting her first press release.”
Something in his demeanor shifted, and something that looked a little like apprehension flashed across his face. She’d had no idea that was an emotion he even possessed.
“You’re not the only one with friends,” she said.
“We’ll discuss it when I get back from Washington,” he told her.
“Dylan and I won’t be here. I’m not even sure I want you to see him anymore. Not until you make some changes.”
“What?” he said, sounding outraged. “I’m his grandfather. You cannot keep him from me.”
“I’m his mother. I can raise him however I see fit. And I don’t think you’re a particularly good influence on him. I want him to learn to respect women. He won’t with you around. You treat me disrespectfully in front of him. Boss me around.”
“All right,” he said, folding his arms. “You win. What do you want?”
“Nothing. I don’t want anything.”
“Everyone has a price. Do you want a larger allowance? Your own house? Credit cards with no limits? Just name it, so we can put an end to this ridiculous little game you’re playing.”
“I’m not sure how to say this so that you’ll understand. I don’t want anything from you. Nothing. I would rather live in a cardboard box and eat garbage than take another dime from you.”
Her father was speechless. Did he finally realize that he had run out of options?
“Sucks, doesn’t it?” she said. “Feeling so out of control. That’s been my life for more than three years.”
“Is that what this is? Some sort of revenge. You want to see me suffer?”
“Any suffering you brought on yourself. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve owned up to them, apologized for them and made peace with myself. But I’m guessing that you have never apologized, or for that matter even felt guilty, for a single rotten thing you’ve ever done. And if you don’t make peace with the people you’ve hurt, you’re going to end up a very lonely and pathetic, angry old man with no friends and no family. And though I should probably hate you, the truth is, I just feel sorry for you.”
“You’ll be back,” he said, but his face looked pale and there was no conviction in his words.
“Believe that if it makes you feel better,” she said, pushing herself to her feet. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
Before she could make it to the door he said, “Rowena, wait.”
She turned to him.
“You don’t understand. You’ve always been so independent, so like your mother.”
“And you haven’t been shy about telling me that’s a bad thing.”
“I loved her, but that wasn’t enough. She left anyway. Then you went so wild, I was always scared that I would get a phone call from a hospital or police station telling me that you were hurt, or even dead. Then you came back to me, you and Dylan… I just didn’t want to lose you again.”
“You’re suffocating me.”
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Well, then, come and see me when you figure it out. “
“But if I promise to change—”
“I need to do this. I need to be on my own for a while, just to prove to myself that I can do it.”
“If you need anything—”
“I won’t call you. I’ll figure it out on my own.”
*
Two days later, Colin was in Washington, working with one of the senator’s attorneys on the treaty language, when his sister called. And he could tell by her tone that something was wrong.
“It’s Mother,” she said, her voice rough from crying. “She had a stroke last night. She’s in a coma, and they don’t expect her to make it more than a day or two.”
Colin cursed silently. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
He explained the situation to the senator’s attorney, and on his way to the hotel to pack, he arranged for a private plane to take him to London.
The flight was long and boring, giving him too much time to think. About Rowena and Dylan, and how miserably alone he had been since she left. He had dated many women, but never had he longed for a woman, needed her deep down in his soul, the way he did Rowena. No one else even came close. He’d picked up his phone to call her at least a dozen times a day. Sometimes he even went as far as dialing, but he never let it ring. She was starting her new life, learning to be independent and take care of herself. He had no right bother her until he knew exactly what he wanted.
When he arrived in London, his mother was still hanging on, and as he walked into her room, saw her lying there looking so old and frail, he tried to conjure up an emotion—any emotion—that would make him feel as if he were losing his mother. He couldn’t do it. He felt bad that she was dying—as much for Matty because she would no longer have anyone to take care of—but he didn’t feel as if he was losing a significant person in his life.
Which only punctuated his feelings about the significant person he had lost. And if he let himself think about, if he acknowledged the gaping hole in his chest, he feared it would swallow him whole. An
d while London was the last place he wanted to be, he stayed there, round-the-clock, for Matty. They were gathered there, around their mother’s bed, as she took her last shallow breath. Then she was gone. The woman who had given birth to him, but had never wanted—or even known—him. And he could only feel sad for what they might have had, but never did. That neither of them had ever really tried.
The day after the funeral he and Matty took a short walk through the drizzling rain in the park outside her flat and found an unoccupied, reasonably dry bench under a canopy of trees.
“I have to leave, Matty.”
“Why?” she said, looking sad and lonely and old, and it broke his heart. It also made him realize that he didn’t want to wind up like her.
“I still have work to do in Washington.”
“Can’t someone else do it? Why can’t you just stay here in London with me? With Mother gone, who will I take care of?”
That was a lousy reason for him to stay. After only a few days with her, he’d practically gone wonky. She was so needy and clingy. What she really needed was a life of her own.
“Have you ever thought that if you went out every once in a while you might meet someone?”
She shook her head and laughed nervously, as if it were a ridiculous notion. “I’m too old for that.”
“You are not that old. And I know it’s scary. But you just have to put yourself out there, Matty.”
“When are you coming back home?”
Home to her was London. He, on the other hand, had spent the past ten years in constant flux. Home was wherever he happened to be living at any given time.
This was the first time in his adult life that he’d even considered laying down roots. And when he thought about where home would be, he could only think of Rowena. And he realized that it wasn’t about where he lived. Whether it be London or Washington or Los Angeles. Rowena was home to him.
“There’s been a slight change of plans,” he told her. “I’m going to be staying in the U.S.”
She gasped, her hand rising up to cover her breaking heart. “Are you in trouble?”
“Yes and no. I’m in love.” The words fell so effortlessly from his lips, he knew they had to be true. He loved Rowena.
“With an American?”
“Yes, she’s American. She lives in California.”
“Who is it?”
“The senator’s daughter, Rowena.”
Another gasp. “But…Colin…you barely know her.”
“I don’t expect you to understand. Hell, I don’t even know how it happened, but I do wish that you’ll be happy for me.”
“Of course I’m happy. It’s just that…well, the accident wasn’t that long ago. You’re still healing. Are you sure you’ve thought this through?”
In other words, she wasn’t happy for him. But she would likely frown upon any life decision he made that didn’t directly involve her. She wanted him for herself.
It wasn’t his fault that she’d built her entire world around taking care of him, seeing that he wasn’t scarred by their parents’ lack of interest in anything he did. And he couldn’t sacrifice his own happiness to fill the void in her life that single-mindedness had created. Not that he didn’t appreciate it. But he would only end up resenting her, and then neither of them would be happy. “I’ve thought it through, and this is what I want.”
“So it’s serious?”
“Serious enough that I plan to ask her to marry me.”
She sucked in a breath. “When?”
“Soon.” He just needed to find her first.
“But is that what she wants, too? What if you ask and she says no?”
“Then I’ll ask again. And again. I’ll keep asking until she says yes.”
“You always were stubborn. When you decided that you wanted something, it was impossible to change your mind. Like that dreadful motorbike you bought when you were only fourteen.”
She made it sound as if he were bolting around town on a Harley. “Matty, it was a scooter. It barely reached fifty kilometers per hour. I was hardly in any danger. Not everyone prefers to jaunt around in a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce.”
“I guess it’s too much to hope that this woman might have even a drop of noble blood running through her veins.”
He laughed. Of all the things he could look for in a woman, her ancestry didn’t even make the top fifty in terms of importance. “None that I’m aware of.”
“Well, if you do insist on marrying her, why can’t she relocate here, to London?”
“She has a son.” He explained Dylan’s disabilities and the need to keep him close to his doctors. “But I’m sure she would have no objection to visiting several times a year. And you could fly to California occasionally.”
“Oh…Colin, you know how I feel about flying.”
Sometimes he felt as if he were her parent. “Matty, we’ve talked about this before. You have to meet me halfway.”
She exhaled a long-winded sigh. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just old and set in my ways.”
“Forty-eight is not old.” Or maybe it was all in the state of mind, which would put Matty somewhere up there with their mother. “I know it’s difficult for you to understand, but please try to be happy for me.”
When they got back to his sister’s flat, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed Hayden Black, the investigator working on the hacking investigation. If he was going to talk to Rowena, he would to have to find her first.
Eighteen
Dylan sat by the television in the tiny living room of Tricia’s apartment, engrossed in his Saturday-morning cartoons while Rowena, still in her pajamas, stood in the kitchen scrambling eggs in a pan with a silicone spatula. Tricia sat at the table drinking coffee and reading the paper. And though Rowena’s back was to her, she could feel Tricia’s gaze.
“Would you please stop staring at me.”
“How do you do that?” Tricia said. “It’s creepy.”
Rowena looked at her over her shoulder. “When you give birth, you simultaneously grow eyes in the back of your head.”
“Ew, that’s just gross.”
Rowena divided the eggs among three plates, then added the bacon and toast warming in the oven. “Dylan, breakfast.”
“Yeah! Beckfast!” he shouted, running to the table, and she didn’t scold him or tell him to slow down. Colin had been right. She didn’t give her son enough credit. He just wanted to be a normal little boy, and it was wrong of her to try to hold him back, the way her father held her back. As long as he was in no imminent danger, she planned to let Dylan live his life. Experiment and have fun. To just…be a kid.
They all sat down to eat, but Rowena only pushed her breakfast around her plate. Lately food didn’t hold much appeal for her.
“You know, you don’t have to cook all these gourmet meals,” Tricia said.
“Bacon and eggs?”
“Hey, I normally eat cold cereal.”
“It’s okay. I like to cook.”
She was finding there were a lot of things she liked to do, normal everyday things she had been sheltered from. And now, after talking to her father, she was starting to understand why he’d behaved the way he did, why he kept her so sheltered. Even why he told Colin that she was off-limits. It wasn’t some narcissistic need to control and dominate her. It all stemmed from his fear of losing her.
After she had gotten her life back on track, instead of letting her back out into the world, he’d brought the world in to her. Having Dylan’s therapy there at the day-care center, insisting she live in the mansion where everything was tended to for her, meant she would rarely have to leave the estate. Even the day-care center was something he created to keep her close by.
She could only imagine what a threat Colin must have been. He had the potential to not just take her away, but thousands of miles away. And ironically, because she was so sheltered, so smothered by her father’s insecurities, she had been that much more drawn to Colin.
> The harder her father had tried to hold on to her, the more he’d pushed her away.
“Done, Mummy!” Dylan said, showing her his plate. He’d hit a growth spurt and was always hungry lately. He was still smaller than the other kids his age, but he was catching up.
“Go get dressed and make your bed,” she told him. Until she could afford her own place, they were sharing Tricia’s spare bedroom.
“What’s with the ‘mummy’ thing?” Tricia asked.
“I’m not sure. He’s been doing since we left the mansion. I think he may have picked it up from Colin.”
“You think he misses him?”
“He has mentioned him. Maybe calling me mummy is just his way of remembering him.”
“He’s not the only one who misses him,” Tricia said. “I heard you crying again last night.”
“I think I’m just getting a cold,” she said, sniffing for good measure.
“Why don’t you just call him?”
“I can’t. If he wants to talk, he’ll have to call me.”
“But it was you who dumped him. He probably thinks you don’t want him to call.”
“You can’t dump someone you were never actually with.”
She would never go crawling back to him. Begging him to love her. She just couldn’t. Even though she loved him. Loved him with all her heart.
“I think I’ll take Dylan to the park,” Rowena said, getting up and dumping her breakfast in the garbage. “Want to come with?”
“Can’t. I have a ton of homework.”
Tricia had taken Rowena’s place as manager of the senator’s day care, and had also signed up for weekend and evening college classes. It would take a long time, but she was determined to get her teaching degree.
Rowena herself was loving her new job, and Dylan was making lots of new friends. It was nice getting out every day, meeting new people. And one of the dads was clearly interested in Rowena. He was divorced, well-off and very handsome, but when he asked her out, she just couldn’t work up the will to say yes.
There was also Rick, Tricia’s neighbor. He was cute, but at twenty-one, too young and a little too bohemian for Rowena’s taste. There was always some art fair, poetry reading or foreign film he wanted to take her to, although most of the films she’d seen lately had had animated characters in the starring roles. Eventually she would start dating, but right now she wasn’t ready.
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