by Alexis Angel
"You can touch me, too, if you want," he says, as if he knows I'm focusing on his arousal. He shifts to the side so I can reach him. I move my hand hesitantly to his belt and then lower, touching him. He's hard through his pants, his erection prominent and large. He groans encouragingly.
I undo his buckle and unzip his pants, doing the same as he’d done to me. It's the only way I know what to do. Follow by example. I put my hand into his pants and wrap my fingers around his stiff length. He moans when I do it, jerking slightly.
He's hard, smooth like velvet, and slick with lust. I pump my hand up and down, testing it, knowing what should be done without thinking about it.
"God, Nicole," he groans.
He nuzzles my neck. I squirm beneath him, struggling to keep my head straight with what he's doing in my pants.
"Are you on the pill?" he asks.
I freeze. He's serious. He wants to sleep with me. This is real.
I yank my hand out of his pants and shake my head.
"We shouldn’t do this," I say.
Thomas lifts his head. "No, no, it’s okay," he says. "I have a condom. You don’t have to worry."
I keep shaking my head. I press my hands against his chest to push him off me. He lifts slowly, reluctantly.
"We really shouldn’t do this," I say. "Any of it." I wriggle out from underneath him and sit up. I reach for my bra on the floor and put it on, covering up at least a little. With my breasts covered up, I feel more in control.
"Don’t do this, now, Nicole," he says.
I shake my head. "I’m sorry," I say. "We really should stop."
Thomas looks confused. I guess it's my fault, leading him on like that. For a moment, I just stopped thinking.
"I’m sorry," I say.
Thomas shakes his head and opens his mouth as if he wants to speak, but he says nothing. I swallow hard. My hormones and my emotions are all over the place.
"I think it might be better if you leave," I say. I want him gone. I need to pull myself together.
"You’re kicking me out?" he asks. "Did I do something wrong?"
I shake my head. "I just need a bit of distance. Please."
He hesitates before nodding.
"Right," he says and gets up. He picks up his shirt and puts it on, buttoning up the bottom half of the buttons. We walk to the door together. I scoop up my shirt and pull it over my head.
"I don’t know what just happened," he says, turning to me.
I shake my head. "It’s not you. Really. I’ll talk to you later, okay?"
He nods, but he doesn't look like he believes me. I feel bad but this–no sex until I'm in love–is important to me. Thomas doesn't say anything else. He kisses me on the cheek and leaves my apartment. I close the door behind him and turn around, leaning against it with my back.
It had been so close. Sleeping together had almost happened. Sex had been too easy, if I hadn’t stopped myself.
What does it mean? I nearly gave up the one thing I’ve wanted to save for whoever I was in love with. Had I gotten this close because I was starting to fall in love with him?
I cover my face with my hands.
How the hell am I supposed to know?
Thomas
A full day isn't enough to help me figure out what happened between Nicole and I. One moment, she'd been on board with the whole sex thing. My insides had been on fire. She’d made me wait for so long, but I finally felt like she opened up to me. The next, she kicked me out of the apartment like I was the last person on earth she wanted to be with.
How was I supposed to react? I had done everything right. After the first night she’d rejected me, I had taken a step back and given her some room before I made another move. We’d gone on a few more dates. I had taken the time to let her get to know me. I had listened to her conversation, even when I’d felt like she was rambling.
And now? She’s rejected me anyway.
Women never reject me, and I've already been rejected twice by Nicole. There is something about her that is frustrating. Something about her makes me want to keep coming back for more.
What's been said about forbidden fruit? Maybe it's because she always denies me that I want her so badly. You always want what you can’t have. In my life, there's not a lot of that. I always get what I want.
Maybe I have to slow things down even more. Most women are happy to sleep with me on the first date. Apparently, even the fourth is too soon for Nicole. Maybe she's checking me out.
I doubt her hesitation is because she has other options. Nicole doesn't seem like the kind of woman who messed around with multiple men at once. She focuses on her future rather than on the present. Her idea of fun is accumulating knowledge.
I still don't understand what's going through her mind, though. She seemed eager at the apartment. A little hesitant, but eager. And her touch. God, I nearly came the moment she gripped my cock. I’d been waiting for her touch since I’d met her. Having it happen for real was better than anything I could've imagined.
And her breasts? They're enough to drive a man crazy. Not too big, not too small. They fit perfectly into my hand. She’d been shy, at first. It had been refreshing to see a woman who was still modest about her nakedness. Something about her shyness turns me on even more.
It had been amazing until she decided to cover it all up again and get rid of me.
I groan and lie on my bed in the late afternoon sun, naked after a shower. My erection throbs painfully. Since I’d been with Nicole, it hadn’t really gone away. I'm starting to feel sexually frustrated. I need a release, and soon, if I'm going to feel like myself again.
I want her. I want her body, her sex, and her moaning in my ear. I need to eel her against me and see her face when I make her come. I want to take control of her body and show her what she's missing by rejecting me.
I rolled off the bed and get dressed. Jeans, a button-up shirt, and loafers. I find my cellphone and scroll through my contact list until I find Luke’s number.
"What’s up?" he answers.
"Do you want to go out for a drink? It’s been a while."
"Sure," he says. "I’ll meet you at Bridges at seven."
I nod and walk to the mirror to style my hair.
Bridges Bar is a classy cocktail bar in the Hilton hotel. Upper-class people like to socialize there. The décor is industrial-chic, and it's a good place to go for a night that not's going to be too wild.
Luke's already at the bar when I arrive; he's leaning on it with one arm and scoping out the talent. His light hair is cut short. Blue eyes find me, and he grins at me, a million-dollar smile that he’s inherited from his dad. I look around. There are a few women dressed in expensive clothes, but no one catches my eye.
"How are you doing?" he asks when I greet him and lean on the bar as well. I order a Hennessy from the bartender. Luke's sipping a similar amber liquid.
"I’m fine," I say. "Bored, now that my MBA is done."
Luke nods. "I should be so lucky. I told you I failed those two subjects, right? It’s a bitch to catch up."
"I can imagine," I say and accept the drink from the bartender. The whiskey is smooth, slipping down my throat. "How is Claire?"
Luke shakes his head. "I dumped her. Too clingy, you know? I think I’m going to do what you do. Just sleep with whoever comes my way."
I shake my head, smiling. "You make me sound so classy."
Luke shrugs. "I call it like it is, my friend."
We both look around the room again.
"I don’t know if that’s still my game plan," I say. "I met a girl."
Luke raises his eyebrows at me. "You’re not getting soft, are you?"
I chuckle. "I don’t know, man. This one has me by the balls."
Luke pulls a face. "Hate it when that happens."
I sip my Hennessy. "I can’t figure her out," I say. "She seems interested, but then she rejects me. She throws me curve balls all the time."
Luke shakes his head. "One of
those. Trust me. They never stop teasing. I would move on if I were you. Unless, you know, you like the company, and you’re getting sex with one of the others."
I shake my head. "There are no others right now."
Luke looks incredulous. "What? Are you ill?"
I laugh and shake my head.
"I didn’t peg you for a one-woman kind of guy."
I shrug. What am I supposed to say? Sometimes it only takes one woman to change the grand scheme of things.
"I’ve just been busy, you know?" I say, smoothing it over. I don't want Luke to think I'm whipped. I don't fall for women.
"As soon as I have it all covered again, I’ll get back out there and line them up."
Luke laughs. "Like only you can. That’s my man. I was worried there for a second."
We drink in silence for a while.
"Jessica’s been asking about you," Luke says, breaking the silence. I look at him.
"What?"
"She’s been asking where you are. She hangs around these parts, wanting to ‘accidentally’ run into you or something." Luke lifts his hands and makes quotation marks with his fingers in the air.
I groan. "She’s a piece of work," I say. "Impossible to get rid of."
"At least she puts out," Luke says.
I shake my head. If only Jessica had rejected me, rather than Nicole. My life would be so much easier right now.
Jessica is really starting to frustrate me. I don't feel like dealing with her drama. Bugging me is one thing, but making herself a problem to others is bumping it up to the next level. I don't like it.
"What are you going to do about her?" Luke asks.
I shrug. "What can I do? I’ve been nice. I’ve been mean. Short of a restraining order, I don’t know how I’m going to get rid of her."
Luke laughs. "It’s an option. It'll be ironic, though, for you to get a restraining order against a woman."
I frown. "I don’t get it."
"You know, being a womanizer and all."
I smile. I still didn’t think it's funny.
Two stools open, and Luke and I move to sit down. I order another Hennessy. He’s been drinking the same and orders another as well. I drink another two glasses with Luke before we call it a night. It's good to see him, but only in small doses.
When I walk out of the hotel, I don't know which way to go. I'm horny as hell and irritated. I haven't had sex in a while. Jessica is really starting to grate on me, and I need a release. I need a distraction.
I take my phone out of my pocket and scroll down my contacts list. There are so many women I can call. All of them would agree to a night of hot sex in the blink of an eye. I can call any one of them and find a place to put my erection.
Nicole flashes before me, and I sigh. How am I going to be able to enjoy myself with anyone if she's the only one on my mind? Besides, I don't want the others. I want her. If I'm going to fuck, let it be with Nicole.
I pocket my phone again and wave for a cab. I'll just go home. It looks like another night alone with my hand. Nicole has caught my interest, and I don't want anyone else.
Sure, I'm leaving in 23 days. It seems silly to focus on just one person in the time that's left. I should be going out and sleeping with everyone, enjoying my last days of freedom.
Instead, I want to spend that time with Nicole. Even if it gets me nothing.
What's happening to me?
Nicole
Thomas doesn't give up. No matter how slow I need to go, he makes sure we do that. It's endearing. Especially since I can tell how much he wants me. He practically vibrates with arousal when he's around me. I can almost smell it coming off of him. There's no question that I want him, too. I'm just not ready to take that next step.
When I first met him, I was sure he'd try to charm me out of my pants the way so many other men have tried to do. They didn’t give a crap about anything but what I had between my legs.
Thomas is different. As we spend more and more time together, he's shown me that he's interested in me as a person. Sure, he tells me often how beautiful I am, and I know he wants so much more than I'm willing to give him.
Despite that, he never pressures me too much. He respects my boundaries. At the same time, he makes it clear how much he wants me. I should've told him the truth about why I held back, but the idea of revealing that secret terrifies me. Thomas would run away the moment I told him I wanted to wait until I was in love to lose my virginity. I feel guilty for not telling him. He has a right to know, but I'm too selfish to risk losing him by telling him the truth.
Despite not knowing what's holding me back, Thomas has been surprisingly patient with me. He treats me with respect. We’ve been on a few more dates, and it's been solely about getting to know each other. Other than kissing, he doesn't push me into anything I'm not comfortable with. I’d been nervous the first time, but he had given me no reason to worry. Well, on his part. I'm still nervous about myself. The more time I spend around him, the less I'm sure I'll be able to control myself around him. What we have isn't love, but that doesn't mean I don't want more than just a kiss from him.
I meet him at the corner of Seventh Avenue and West Fifty-Ninth Street. "Why are we meeting here?" I ask him when I walk up.
"I have a surprise for you," Thomas says. He gestures with his hand to a white carriage with four horses and a driver.
"We're going on a tour through Central Park."
I smile at him. "Really?" I ask.
He nods. "When you live in a country, you tend to avoid the tourist destinations and miss out on the best your country has to offer."
This is true. I've gone to all the tourist attractions when I’d traveled to Germany, but I had never been on a carriage ride around central park.
The driver turns in his seat when we climb into the carriage.
"We're going to cover the South Quadrant of Central Park," he says. "That includes Sheep Meadow, the Balto Statue, Tavern on the Greene, and more."
He smiles at us. Thomas nods at him. "Good man," he says.
The driver clicks his tongue and flicks the reins, and we are off.
"This is so nice," I say as we enter Central Park at West Drive. The park is green. Pedestrians are out enjoying the weather and the beautiful surroundings, and the sun breaks through the clouds, mimicking how I feel.
"Your country is a beautiful place," Thomas says. "You should celebrate it."
"Your patriotism is impressive," I say. "I’m proudly American, but I don’t think anyone sees the country as passionately as tourists do. I mean, we’re just trying to live and get by, you know? We hardly have time to stop and see everything with fresh eyes."
Thomas shrugs. "Where I come from, being from Elanda is to be proud. Our country is not very big, but our hearts are, and we swell with pride that we've made the most of what we have."
I smile. "That’s very poetic," I say. "Are all the people in Elanda so proud of who they are?"
Thomas shrugs. "I don’t know," he says. "I haven’t been there for a long time."
I frown.
"Until now, I had the feeling that you weren’t that excited about your country and maybe going back one day."
Thomas looks out over the scenery. He doesn't respond to me.
"I didn’t mean to intrude," I say.
Thomas shakes his head. "You weren’t. You’re right–it seems I’m quite conflicted about my own country."
I don't respond. I don't know what to say. We drive in silence for a while. The clip-clop of the horses’ hooves and the wheels of the carriage mingle with the sounds of children playing and the chatter of the pedestrians walking. It's peaceful to be out in nature, seeing Central Park the way people used to for more than a hundred and fifty years.
It's Thomas. I'm not under any illusion that the setting is the only thing that makes me feel at ease. I'm comfortable around him in ways I haven't been with anyone else. Whenever I'm around people, I always feel a little bit different, a little bit stra
nge, a little left out. With him, I don't.
Being with Thomas is a lot like coming home.
And I'm falling for him. Yes, it is quick. It's unexpected. I haven't thought I'd fall for someone this quickly, and at first, I hadn’t wanted to admit it. But it's true.
I find that when I'm away from him, I can't stop thinking about him. I'm excited to see him again when we arrange our dates. When I wake up in the morning, I want to hear from him. When something funny happens, he's the person I want to tell.
Don’t worry about love, I hear Lisa say. Just have fun.
I can't do that, though. I can't go around and have fun with Thomas without giving a part of me to him.
Everything about him is different than any of the other guys I’ve been with. Not only is he charming and handsome, the kind of person you can stare at all day long. Something about the way he carries himself and approaches things, the way he looks at life, is almost regal. I have the sense that he's above it all, but not in a way that is arrogant or snobbish. Thomas has an air of importance about him that has to be inherent.
I glance at him. His eyes slip over the scenery, and his mouth curls into a smile. This has been a surprise for me, but he's enjoying it just as much.
I reach for his hand and interlink our fingers. He glances at me and smiles, pressing my knuckles to his lips.
He does this often. It makes me feel special, important, delicate. I understand now what it's all about, feeling cared about by someone.
"Qu'est-ce que vous avez de beaux yeux," Thomas says.
I giggle. "I don’t know what you just said, but it sounded nice. And it sounded French?"
Thomas smiles and nods. "What beautiful eyes you have," he says. "That’s what it means."
I blush. No matter how well I get to know him or how much time we spend together, he manages to get me to blush every time.
