by Magan Vernon
“Yeah, I’ll spot you, smart ass.”
I may not have felt completely okay. I may not have gotten rid of the pain in my chest. But there was something about pushing myself. Something about busting my ass and not concentrating on anything else but how my muscles ached, that helped me get through the day.
I came back to the gym with Trigg the next day and the next day after that. It helped for a bit but when I went back to the apartment and once again was reminded that Sam wasn’t there, the pain was back.
And I had no idea how to fix it.
Chapter 22
It has been exactly a week since I’d seen Sam.
I thought about just showing up at The Pancake House and talking to her, but I wasn’t sure if I could take it if she just told me to leave.
I threw myself into working out and getting stuff ready for the organization, but my mind still wandered. I tried to stay out of the darkness as long as I could. I tried to stay away from the pills that were always calling to me, but old habits had a way of dying hard.
Trigg was gone so I could lay in bed. The fifth of Jack that I bought at the Seven-Eleven and hid under my bed was now empty, along with my week’s worth of prescriptions. I just needed a little buzz. Something so my mind didn’t wander.
I closed my eyes and listened to the music that came in through the speakers where my phone was docked.
The singer was crooning about something with a field and girls and I didn’t even know. His words swirled together and I just strummed the beat on my leg.
But the beat was off. There was another pounding.
A knock, knock, knocking.
“Tripp?” The voice was faint. I wasn’t even sure I heard it right.
Then the knocking stopped and I heard footsteps. I slowly opened my eyes. At least I thought I was opening them because when I saw Sam hovering above me, I knew I had to be dreaming.
“Tripp, are you okay?” Her voice was faint. I could barely hear it. The darkness was calling me back. I just wanted to sleep. Sweet sleep.
“Tripp? Tripp?” Her hands were on my face but I could barely feel it. My body was shaking, but it was as if I was trapped inside of myself and couldn’t feel pain. I was numb.
***
I didn’t wake up when Sam called 911. Not when the EMT’s rushed into my apartment or when I was in the back of the ambulance.
It wasn’t until I was sitting in a hospital bed and couldn’t take the constant beep, beep, beeping of the machines did I wake.
To the Déjà vu of where I was not long ago.
But when I opened my eyes, instead of seeing doctors, my father was standing there. His hands in his pockets and staring out the window.
I licked my lips. I wanted to say something, but there was nothing I could say. I was a disappointment, yet again.
He finally stopped staring out the window and looked down at me. “You’re awake.” He didn’t smile or frown, his face was completely still.
“Yeah. I think I am.” My throat was scratchy and it hurt like hell to talk, but I couldn't stay silent. There was no way in hell Dad would let me.
“How are you feeling?” He asked, leaning against the bed.
“Like I fucked up. Big time.”
He smiled. “Well, I can’t say that you’re wrong on that one.”
“Thanks for rubbing it in.”
“You know we were all really worried about you. Especially your girlfriend, who we didn’t know you had until the hospital called us. She’s been here in the waiting room the whole time. We’ve tried to send her home, but she won’t leave. She’s strong willed and reminds me of you.”
I smirked. “That’s probably not a good thing.”
“You’re wrong about that one. Someone with that much determination is someone I have respect for. Someone who goes for what they want, even if it puts them in the hospital and pisses off a whole lot of people.”
“Sorry,” I grumbled.
“I should probably be the one to say sorry.”
I stared up at him, cocking a brow. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say that word.”
“Well, maybe we all should say it more often. I think there are always so many expectations surrounding our family that we forget about taking care of ourselves. I should have checked up on you more when you got home instead of caring about the backlash of the election. I should have listened to you talk about your project instead of just okaying it. For that I’m sorry.”
“And I’m sorry for not always getting things right."
Dad shook his head. “You’ve done more in your short life than I could have ever imagined. You’ve never done what was expected and that's a good thing. Getting your MBA and starting a non-profit is a huge accomplishment. You should be proud of it.”
I let out a big breath. “Yeah, then I still ended up here. Drowning myself in my own stupidity.”
Dad put his hand on my shoulder. “You know, sometimes I think God gives us these struggles to test us. To see what we’re really made of. These pitfalls are the things that define us.”
“I don’t want this to define me. I don’t want to be known as the two-time suicide failure.”
Dad blinked slowly. “I didn’t want to believe that any of this was you taking your own life. I still don’t want to believe it. I think that if you did want that, you would have done it. We wouldn’t be sitting here talking. But you’re a fighter. So much of a fighter that you couldn’t even admit to yourself that you needed help."
I sat on what he said, letting it sift through me. Maybe that’s all this was. Maybe the sadness that was invading me was my body trying to get help and instead of getting it, I just found the only solace I could.
Dad squeezed my shoulder. “I don’t say it enough, Tripp, but I want you to know that I am proud of you and I do love you.”
I don't remember the last time my dad had said those words to me. It was like I'd been waiting for them and I sucked in a deep breath, taking it all in.
I put my hand on his. “I love you too, Dad.”
He smiled. It wasn’t the political smile. It was a genuine one and for the first time in days I was able to smile back.
“And there is someone else in the waiting room that loves you very much. She's been waiting to see you,” he said.
I licked my lips and swallowed hard. “Does she really want to see me?”
“I think you and I both know the answer to that,” Dad said, before he squeezed my shoulder one last time and walked out the door.
It wasn’t even a minute later when the door opened again. All the pain that had been sitting on my chest started pressing on it again. But this was a different kind of pain. One that swelled my heart as soon as my eyes met Sam’s.
She was in a wrinkled sweater with jeans and boots. Her hair was flattened on one side like she had been trying to sleep, but couldn’t get comfortable. No matter how she was dressed or how her hair looked, it didn’t stop my heart from pounding in my chest, waiting for her.
She slowly entered the room, her eyes never leaving mine. I didn’t know what to say or what to do, but she made the first move.
She slipped into bed beside me and pressed her head to my chest before the tears came and soft sobs escaped her lips. I put my arm around her and pulled her closer to me. The scent of her hair surrounded me and I had to fight back happy tears of my own just to have her in my arms. She could cry as hard as she wanted, because once she stopped I was going to make sure she never cried again.
I don’t know how long we lay there like that. I just let her get it all out.
Finally she sniffled and lifted her head up. “Mikey’s dead, Tripp,” she whispered.
I sat up straighter, leaning back. “What did you just say?”
She pulled back and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I came to your place to tell you about Mikey. That was where I found you.” Her eyes watered. “I was staying with him and Brenda. I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom a
nd I found him on the floor with his wrists slit.”
I couldn’t believe the words she was saying. Everything seemed so far away. Not Mikey. Not the kid that seemed so hopeful. The one who started me on my journey to do what I really wanted to do in life.
I stared off into space. I couldn’t look at Sam. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to fight back tears of my own. “How’s Brenda?”
Sam shook her head. “Not good. Her sister was coming into town, but I told her I’d still stay with her. I just said I had to come see you, but I haven’t gone back to her yet.”
The swelling was back in my chest and I knew what I had to do, even though I wanted to keep her next to me forever. “You should go back to her. She needs you.”
“What? Tripp. You’re in the ICU. You could have died. I want to be here for you. I don’t care that we fought, after seeing what happened to Mikey and how it killed him to be depressed, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take it if the same thing happened to you.”
I took her hand, tracing the lines of her knuckles gently. “That’s why you need to be with Brenda. She needs to know that you’re there for her. People don’t die from suicide. They die from sadness.”
Sam stared down at our hands. “I don’t want to lose you to sadness.”
“If you lost me to anything, it would be my own stupidity. I tried to kill my pain with anything I could, when I had the best cure right in front of me.” I looked up and met her eyes. “The only way either of us is going to move on from this is, if we do it together. I know that now. I thought I was going to be your knight in shining armor, but I think it’s the other way around. I think that maybe you’re the one who is going to save me from ending up here again as long as you keep me in line. I can’t keep fucking up like this.”
“I think it would kill both of us if that happened,” Sam whispered.
I shook my head. “I don’t want us to be dependent like that either. If I had to walk away from you right now, even if it would kill me, I would. Because that’s what’s best for you. But I don’t think either of us want or need that. I think we’re better together and that’s how it should be.”
“Does this mean I still get to be your old lady and you won't be with any more tattoo receptionists or sales ladies?”
I took my fingers and interlaced them with hers before bringing her hand to mine and kissing the back of it. “I’ll be your Swamp Donkey if you'll be my Sugar Lumpkins.”
She smiled. “Deal.”
***
The ICU kept me on a forty-eight hour hold and after being checked out by my psychiatrist, I was free to go back home.
Dad arranged a car to take me to St. Alphonsus, where Mikey’s funeral was being held. There were only a handful of people sitting in the first few pews, staring at the small black casket.
A large picture of Mikey sat on an easel next to it. He was smiling, his curly hair tamed down and parted to the side. He looked happy, but there was a sadness in his eyes.
I took a seat next to Sam in the second row and held her hand through the sermon. I never let go of it as we followed the hearse to the cemetery and stood under a tent while they lowered Mikey into the ground.
Brenda stood next to the casket. She wasn’t crying, just staring blankly at the hole that now held her only son.
Sam kept her hand on mine and we walked up to the mourning mother.
“Brenda,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder.
She looked up at me slowly, her face a ghostly white. She put her hand on mine and squeezed it. “Thank you for coming, Tripp. Mikey really liked you. He always talked about you and how much he wanted you to take him to get a tattoo as soon as he turned eighteen.”
I nodded. “I liked him too, Brenda.”
I held out the envelope with the company’s new logo on it and handed it to her. Brenda raised an eyebrow. “What is this?”
She took the envelope and opened it before gasping and covering her mouth with her free hand. “Tripp. I can’t accept this.”
I let go of Sam’s hand and put both of them on Brenda’s. “Yes. I want to do this. Mikey inspired me to start my own non-profit. The Michael McKay Foundation wants to help cover the funeral expenses. It’s the least I can do.”
The tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t know what to say.”
I smiled. “You don’t have to say anything, Brenda. I just want you to know that we care and that Mikey is going to be in our hearts forever.”
“Thank you, Tripp. Thank you so much.” She took me in her arms and embraced me.
I hadn’t cried in so long. I didn’t want to cry, but knowing that I made a difference to her. That I was going to make the difference to other kids like Mikey, finally let the pain rise out of my chest and I could let it all go.
When I finally let go of Brenda and we said our goodbyes, Sam led me to her car and I slipped in the passenger side. “Home, Boss Man?”
“Home, Sugar Lumpkins.”
Chapter 23
Sam was going to live at Brenda’s for a while. That way Brenda wasn’t as lonely and since Trigg was going to be around for awhile it was a little less crowded.
“Walk me upstairs?” I asked, as Sam pulled into the parking garage.
“Yeah. I can do that.”
Walking into the apartment with Sam felt right. Like that’s what had been missing. As soon as I saw her standing in the kitchen, I knew that she was more than just my old lady. She was my home.
“I love you,” I said it without even thinking about it. No passion in it, just something I blurted. But I meant it.
“What?” She blinked.
I took a few steps forward, closing the space between us and put my hands on the side of her face. “I. Love. You. I think I have for a long time and it took me losing you to realize how much I did. I love you, Samantha Green. I fucking love you and I hope that you love me too or I’m going to feel like a complete ass.”
A small smile crept on her lips. “Then I guess you’re lucky, because I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you too.”
I did the only thing there was left to do. I sealed our words with a kiss. Sam’s arms slipped around my neck and her mouth parted as a gasp escaped.
I moved my hands down to her waist and lifted her up, her legs wrapping around me. I moved forward, not breaking our kiss until I was at the bed and fell forward on her.
I pulled back and took the break of our mouths to pull off my suit jacket while her hands quickly went to unbuttoning my shirt. As soon as she peeled it off, her fingers delicately traced the lines of the tattoo on my chest.
I smiled and pulled her dress over her head, tossing it to the side so she was just in a pink lace bra and panties. “I don't think you realize how much I've missed you." I trailed my fingers down her stomach until they stopped at her panties. I moved closer, trailing a line of kisses down her neck to her chest. With one hand I slid my fingers slowly under the waistband of her underwear. I wanted to savor every moment of her touch. I parted her lips and circled her clit with my thumb. She arched her back, giving me better leverage.
"You feel amazing, Sam.”
My lips trailed from her cheek, down her jawline until I could run my tongue along her clavicle. I wanted to kiss every other part of her. She arched her back, digging her core into me. I growled and my tongue trailed to her collarbone. I used my free hand to unclasp her bra and tossed it aside.
My mouth moved down to the swell of her breast. I swirled my tongue around her nipple, feeling it pebble against my tongue. I nipped at the small hoop, piercing it then swirled my tongue around it, sucking it hard and fast. Sam gripped onto my hair, tugging it and bucking her hips against my hand as she came hard on my fingers.
I pulled my fingers out slowly as her thighs shook around me, then bent down and pulled her panties off with my teeth. Once they hit the ground, I kissed up the vine tattoos that circled her legs until I met her wet core.
I put one of her legs over my shoulder so she was op
en to me and I was able to see the little silver hoop through her clit.
“I like the jewelry,” I said with a smile before I circled it with my tongue, sucking on her clit.
She moaned, bucking her hips forward to my mouth. The girl was fucking my face and I couldn’t get enough of her.
I trailed my thumb up to her center, twirling it inside of her as I sucked her swollen clit. She arched her back, giving me even better access to her. She was both sweet and salty at the same time and I wanted to lick every part of her.
Her hips shook around me and I knew she was close so I dove my tongue into her and gripped my free hand onto her ass, pushing my tongue deeper inside of her.
Her whole body quaked as she moaned and came into my mouth. It was even sweeter than I thought and I dove deeper into her, lapping up every part of her.
She bucked her hips forward again and again, her orgasm continuing and her sweet flesh surrounding me. She came until she fell back against the bed. I gripped onto her waist and slowly pulled myself up to her lips. She leaned in and pressed her lips to mine, soft at first then her tongue ravaged me. Her tongue swirled around mine before she sucked on it.
She broke the kiss and her eyes met mine. “I want all of you.”
I grinned and pulled back slightly, her hand trailing down my stomach until it was on my cock. He was already primed and ready.
"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do, but say the word and I'm yours,” I said, breathing onto her lips.
She smiled. "I'm yours."
I leaned over to the night stand where I kept a stash of condoms and pulled out a gold foil packet."I've been waiting for this for a very long time," I whispered, returning my lips to hers.
"Me too." I covered her pretty pink nipples with my mouth, swirling each silver hoop with my tongue.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I pulled back and quickly unbuttoned and unzipped my pants, tossing them to the side with my boxers. I reached down and in one fell swoop I ripped open the wrapper and rolled the condom on. With one hand, I leaned her back and with the other, gripped onto her hip and slowly inched inside of her. God, she felt even better than I imagined and when she hooked her legs around my hips, I had to hold back a moan.
