by A. T Brennan
Now he was at home and looking at the clock on his stove wondering if Kenzie would be home yet. He knew she worked until seven and it would take her at least half an hour to get home and get settled, but she’d told him about how she usually ended up staying past her hours in order to help with their understaffing issues.
He was nervous about calling her. He was nervous about talking with her and hearing what she had to say.
He’d talked to his sister the night before about her, telling Olivia about how they’d met up, how she’d changed and how they’d clicked even more this time than any other time, but he was still unsure of what he should do.
They hadn’t had a chance to talk further as her son had interrupted them, and he didn’t feel comfortable talking about his love life in front of his ten-year-old nephew.
It was ten minutes to seven, Kenzie wouldn’t even be home for another half hour at least. He would just call Olivia. He needed to talk to someone about this.
“Hello?” she answered after the fifth ring. He’d been about to hang up when he’d heard the call connect. “What’s up little brother?” she added and he could hear her smile.
“I’m nervous about calling a girl and it’s messing with my head,” he said honestly, not bothering with pleasantries. He wasn’t a beat-around-the-bush kind of guy and she knew that.
“Wow, Tyler Davidson, playboy extraordinaire is nervous about calling a girl.” She laughed. “She must be a pretty special woman to make you nervous.”
“She is,” he agreed and sighed as he leaned back against his chair.
“So why are you nervous?”
“I don’t know what she wants.”
“Do you know what you want?”
“Not really.” He shook his head, more for his own benefit than hers since she was on the phone and couldn’t see him.
“What don’t you know? Try just talking it out.”
“I like her. I have feelings for her that I’ve never had before—”
“So you love her.” she cut in.
“I think so.”
“Think so?”
“Yes,” he admitted. “I love her.”
“And?”
“I hurt her bad. Twice.” He sighed again. “I’m amazed she’ll even talk to me.”
“If she’s willing to talk to you and forgive you, that means she has feelings too.”
“Yeah, but what if she just likes me? I’ll be putting myself out there for what, to get rejected?”
“How do you know she doesn’t love you too? How do you know she won’t fall in love with you if she’s not there yet?”
“I don’t.”
“Exactly.” She paused. “Ty, you’ve never really been serious about anyone before. It’s been seven years since you even had a girlfriend, and you haven’t had anyone since your injury. It’s normal you’d be self-conscious and worried about rejection, especially now.”
“You mean because I’m so fucked up and such a loser?”
“Because you were hurt. You had a life altering injury and you lost more than just your job. You lost your future, your career, your purpose and your support system. You’ve been alone for five years trying to rely on only yourself so you won’t lose everything again, but you’re changing.”
He just listened to her as she spoke, taking in every word.
“You found a new purpose and a new career. You’re gaining a new support system. You’re becoming part of the family again, and the men on your course are becoming a new unit or platoon or whatever they’re called to you. You actually have a future again, and the only thing missing is a partner. Having someone who you can rely on, someone who will love you and lift you up when you’re down, be there when you’re happy and celebrate your accomplishments, and help you deal with your failures.”
“I don’t feel like I deserve that,” he said, and the moment the words were out of his mouth he realized they were true. He hadn’t even known he felt that way, but it was the truth.
“Ty—”
“I’ve killed people. I’ve done some bad things, seen some terrible things,” he said quickly. “I’m not the same person I was, Liv. I’m different, and I don’t know how to come back from what I’ve seen. What I’ve done.”
“Tyler—”
“I came home but Evan didn’t. I survived but thousands of my brothers and sisters in arms didn’t. We were all soldiers, we were all fighting the same war for the same cause, but they came home in boxes.” His voice cracked but he pushed on. He needed to say this. He needed to finish what he’d started.
“Why did I survive the war? Why did I come home? Why did Evan die when I was holding him in my arms? Why did that bullet hit him and not me? Why did that explosion kill three others but only take part of my leg? Why do I deserve to live when I have nothing, am nothing?”
He felt the tears on his face, and it was only then he realized that he was crying. He’d never said any of this out loud before, and those were the questions that had haunted him for years.
“Why me, Liv? Why am I alive?”
“No one can answer that, Ty,” she said slowly. “No one can know why something happens, or why one person is taken from us too soon and another walks away. I like to think that you survived for a reason, because you can have everything and you’re worth everything. None of those men and women deserved to die, but you surviving isn’t a reflection on their sacrifice. It doesn’t diminish the pain of their loss or take away from them at all. It’s a fact and it means I have my brother here, my kids have their uncle, and mom and dad have their son. You might not feel like you’re anything, but you’re our everything, Ty. You might have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but you’re our light.”
He just sat there in shock as he listened to her. He’d really had no idea she felt that way, that anyone felt that way.
“You’re not alone, not for a second. You don’t deserve to be alone and you can’t keep punishing yourself for things you can’t control. You love this woman and she’s put up with your shit up to this point so she obviously has strong feelings for you too. You love her and you want to be with her. Don’t sabotage this. Don’t use this as an excuse to punish yourself because if she loves you, if she’s meant for you, then you’re not only losing her but she’s also losing you, and that’s really not your decision to make.”
“Shit…” He shook his head, stunned. “Damn, Liv.”
“Think about that before you call her, and call her dammit,” she said in a lighter tone. “I hope I wasn’t too harsh,” she added quietly.
“No, not at all.” He shook his head again. “Everyone is so worried about breaking me that sometimes I need to be told how it is instead of people trying to pussy-foot around what they’re trying to say.”
“You know me, if you want it how it is I’ll smack you right upside the head with it,” she said with a laugh and he just laughed with her.
“Thanks, Liv.”
“Anytime little brother.”
He ended the call and stared at his phone for a second.
She was right. He was punishing himself. He’d been punishing himself for five years and he was about to walk away from something great because he didn’t think he deserved that missing piece in his life.
He took a deep breath and looked at the clock. He’d call Kenzie in half an hour, that should give his mind enough time to settle down.
* * *
Kenzie sat on her couch in a pair of sweatpants and a comfortable shirt and stared at her coffee table so she wouldn’t stare at her phone.
She’d gotten home at twenty after seven. It was one of the few days she’d been able to leave on time. She’d changed out of her scrubs, put on the first clothes she’d grabbed out of her drawer and then heated up the meal she’d put in the fridge the night before, before eating it at her table.
When everything was done she’d taken her phone to the living room, sat down on the couch and put the phone on the cushion next to he
r. That had been ten minutes ago. It was now ten minutes to eight and she starting to get really nervous.
She’d been nervous all day as she’d thought about Tyler calling. She felt stupid. They’d had plenty of conversations, they’d slept together just two days ago, but she was nervous to talk to him, and scared he wouldn’t call.
She glanced over at her bookshelf and wondered it if would be worth pulling down one of her photography books and flipping through the glossy pages to distract herself. She would never be able to focus on words, but pictures were a little easier.
She was just deciding between a book on the male form and a book of black and white art pieces when her phone rang. She almost jumped right off the couch, but as it rang a second time she pulled in a deep breath, counted to three and then picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
There was a pause and she didn’t know if she should say something when he spoke up.
“I think we should talk, but I’m not really a phone person.”
“Same,” she agreed, “and same on the not being a phone person.”
“You still want to meet up on Thursday?”
“I do.”
“How about we go for dinner?” he suggested. “You like Thai food?”
“I do.” She smiled. “That sounds great.”
“There’s a restaurant close to my house, Baan Thai, ever heard of it?”
“I think so, but I can look it up to make sure.”
“Want to meet there around six-thirty?” he asked. “I’d say I’d pick you up but that might not work so well without a car.”
She laughed. “No worries. I can pick you up if you want,” she teased.
“I think I can make it there.” He laughed. “Besides, I thought we said we’d go and do something fun before ending up in bed,” he added in a teasing voice.
“What makes you think you’d get me into bed before dinner if I showed up at your place?” she asked with a laugh.
“Wouldn’t I?”
“Maybe I’d be the one getting you into bed,” she quipped and was rewarded with a hearty laugh.
“That’s probably what would happen.” He chuckled. “So now that you’ve got that going through my head, I think it’s about time to hit the shower.”
She just laughed and shook her head. She was amazed at how comfortable she was, and how easy it was to just joke and tease with him.
“Six-thirty, Baan Thai?”
“Six-thirty, Baan Thai,” she agreed.
“Great, I’ll see you then.”
“See you.”
She just looked at the phone as the connection was cut off and smiled. That had gone a lot better than she’d thought it would.
Chapter Nineteen
By the time Thursday morning rolled around Kenzie was exhausted. She didn’t have enough energy to worry about her date so she’d just gone home and crawled into bed.
When she’d woken up at four in the afternoon she’d had plenty of energy to fuel her nerves.
She’d been out on a few dates in the last three months and she’d been a bit nervous before them as well, but right now she felt as though there were a couple of albatrosses flying a holding pattern in her stomach. She wasn’t just nervous, she was scared.
She’d showered, washed her hair and then taken the time to dry it, straighten it and then curl the ends with big and loose waves to give her hair some body and a little bit of extra ‘flirtiness’, as Melissa called it.
She’d put on the barest hint of makeup, just enough to accentuate her features and not hide them, and then had stood in front of her closet for ten minutes just staring at her clothes.
She’d done this every day since Sunday, trying to figure out what to wear that would make her feel confident and hopefully look good, but every time she pulled out an outfit she would find something wrong with it and put it back.
Closing her eyes she counted to ten and pulled in a deep breath. When she’d let it out she opened her eyes and grabbed the first thing she saw.
It was a dress, definitely out of character for her, but it was nice and not too fancy. It was a fitted sundress with a gathered waist that camouflaged her stomach and had a nice flare in the skirt. The straps were thick, the neckline was high enough it only showed a hint of cleavage. The material in the skirt was layered so it was a little full, floaty and short, but it looked conservative enough she didn’t feel like she was about to flash the world. It was also a dark blue and she thought it looked nice against her skin and hair.
She’d never worn the dress. It had been sitting in her closet for years, but as she looked at it she felt that was the dress that would make her feel good about herself, and she would look good in it.
Before she could change her mind she pulled the dress on and then grabbed a light gray shrug and slipped into a pair of black flats. She didn’t want to chance heels when she was feeling this nervous. All she needed was to break her ankle walking into the restaurant.
When she was dressed she grabbed her purse, her phone and her keys, and headed out the door without pausing to take a second look at herself. She didn’t want to chance seeing something she’d want to change because she would just get stuck in a cycle of indecision, she knew that much about herself.
She’d looked the restaurant up a few times, more out of nerves than an inability to remember directions, and had memorized where it was. It wasn’t far from his house, and while it wasn’t the restaurant she’d thought it was when he’d asked, it was only a few blocks from it so she knew the area.
She got into her car and headed over to the restaurant, checking the time as she drove. She might be a few minutes late if she missed all the lights and couldn’t get a parking spot nearby.
When she did make it she was happy to find a spot only a few doors down from the restaurant and quickly parked. Then she sat in her car and took a moment to breathe. She took three deep breaths, pushed her nerves aside and grabbed her things before getting out of the car.
As she walked into the restaurant she swept her eyes over the tables, worried that Tyler wouldn’t be there yet, but before she could panic she saw him sitting in a booth by the wall.
As soon as he saw her his face lit up and he lifted his hand in greeting.
She just grinned back at him and headed over to the table.
“Hi, you found it okay?” he asked as she slid into the booth across from him.
“I did.” She nodded. “Have you been waiting long?”
“A few minutes.” He shook his head. “I wanted to get here a little early.”
She smiled as he looked her up and down, at least as much as he could while she was sitting in the booth with him.
“You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She blushed. “You look great too.”
He was so handsome he could make a burlap bag look good, but the pale blue dress shirt he’d worn fit him perfectly. Even with the top two buttons undone he still looked put together and incredible.
Just then their waitress came up with menus and water for them. When she’d left they opened the menus and scanned their choices.
“Are you a sharing person, or a get your own plate person?” he asked as he looked up at her.
“Depends on what you get,” she answered with a grin.
“I’m a curry man. Green curry,” he added.
“I’m a pad thai girl.”
“I like pad thai.”
“I like green curry.”
“Then it looks like we’ll get along famously,” he said with a laugh as he put his menu down.
“Looks like.” She laughed and put her menu down on top of his.
Only a moment later their waitress was back beside their table and they put in their orders. When she’d left he just paused as he looked at her.
“You look like you’re trying to say something but it refuses to come out,” she said with a small smile as she watched him.
<
br /> “How’d you guess?”
“Been there.” She shrugged. “More times than I can count.”
“What do you want?” he asked.
“Big picture or right now?”
“Big picture.”
She paused as she thought about his question. “To be happy,” she said simply.
“And what would make you happy?”
“Feeling safe, and secure. I have a great job, I love my work and I’m actually making friends now. I’m more comfortable with myself and I’m getting more confident, but there’s still a part that’s missing,” she said honestly as she looked at him.
“What part is that?” he asked softly.
“A partner.” She sat back in the booth and looked away for a moment. “For so long being with someone was the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I thought being alone was the safest way to be. That only having to rely on myself meant I would never be hurt again. I would never feel threatened or feel like someone else had control over me. That worked for a while and to a certain degree, but I’m done with being afraid.” She looked right at him. “I want a partner, a real one. I don’t want a power struggle. I don’t want to have to change who I am to be with someone. I never want to feel like I’m in danger, and I never want to feel like I’m not good enough and I deserve to be hurt or don’t deserve to not be hurt. I want someone who loves me for me, and I can love for them.”
“Thank you for being so honest with me. I know I haven’t exactly earned that honesty.”
“What about you, Tyler? What do you want?”
“To feel like I belong,” he said after a pause. “I have a passion again. I have a career started and I have my family back. I feel like I’m part of something, like I’m going to make a difference and still serve the community, just in a different capacity. I feel like I have a support system again, and I don’t have to keep punishing myself for the past. I don’t want to keep sabotaging my happiness because of my guilt. I don’t want to feel like I don’t deserve to be happy because I survived something when so many others didn’t.”
