He looked ridiculous with a milk mustache and chocolate bits in the corners of his mouth. Any other time, it might be disarming. His attitude, however, sitting with his back toward her as if she didn’t exist, combined with his infantile munching on cookies, was too much. She couldn’t resist a dig. “Aren’t you supposed to be emulating your hero? Kerouac only ate apple pie and ice cream while he wrote that book.”
Because his back was to her, Annie couldn’t see his eyes narrow for a moment, or his lip begin to curl. She did see his back stiffen, just for a second. Then he stood and brushed cookie crumbs off his black jeans. He finished his milk in one swallow, set the plate and empty glass on the top step, and pulled out his car keys. “Take a drive with me…Anne?”
“No.”
“I’d like to talk to you.”
“OK. Have a seat.” His fist clenched the keys for a moment, then relaxed. Annie moved to go into the house.
“Anne, wait.” He took a step forward. “I really do want to talk to you.” Whatever he was trying to sell, she didn’t want any. But Annie had been raised to be polite, so she sat back down and indicated the chair across from her.
“If you want to talk, talk. Right here. But I’m not going anywhere with you.” He saw that she was serious, so he sighed, then slumped onto the top step and picked at the cookie crumbs on the plate.
“Tell me it’s just because of Connie, Anne.”
“Tell you what’s because of Connie?” She couldn’t read his expression. “I don’t know what you mean, Parker. I’m not trying to be difficult. I honestly don’t know.”
“I know you’re not. Trying to be difficult, I mean. You’re not like that.”
“Thank you,” she said quietly. She hated having to put him off, so she was relieved he wasn’t holding anything against her. “So, Parker, please just tell me—”
“You please just tell me.”
“Tell you what? Parker, I don’t want to play games.” He suddenly looked jittery.
“Listen, Anne, I kind of need a cigarette. Would you come out into the yard with me? I don’t want to make your folks mad.”
“Well…” she hedged, looking at his car. He saw and laughed.
“I promise I won’t try to drag you off anywhere. I just need a smoke.” He gave her the puppy-dog look she couldn’t resist and allowed him to lead her over to lean against the tree nearest the sidewalk.
She watched as he went through the motions of lighting his cigarette. The shaking out of the pack, the tapping on the lighter, the quick flick of the Zippo down and up his leg. It was…
Erotic. The word popped into her mind and scared her to death. She had to force herself to not run into the house.
Parker lit the cigarette, took a deep drag and held it a long time. He leaned against the trunk of the tree, his free hand stuffed in his front jeans pocket. Then he exhaled and said, “Tell me that the only reason you and I are not together is Connie.” Annie could barely breathe.
The way he looked at her. His face so handsome, his eyes so passionate, and she knew how smart he was. She didn’t need him to be a lawyer. She didn’t need him to change or to follow some predetermined path. She just needed him.
On impulse, she held out her hand, and he took it. She looked at their intertwined fingers and remembered the image she had at the pancake breakfast. What if Parker was there on Sunday mornings? What if he was the father of her children? What if he was sitting at the table, helping their children cut their pancakes, making jokes, laughing, making her love him even more?
“Anne,” he said, snapping her out of her daydream. “Can you tell me?”
“I think of Dean Moriarty,” she said, and when he cocked his head to the side, she laughed. “No, Parker, it’s not just because of Connie. It’s because you’re not this person you’re trying to be for everyone else, and I see that. It’s because...”
“Because what?”
“Oh, Parker, I love you. I really do. I’ve never been in love before, and it’s amazing. Really. Despite the insanity of the situation, I like being in love. I like being in love with you.” She brought his hand to her face and brushed his knuckles with her lips. “I don’t regret any of this. I mean, I’m surprised that I would act this way, that I would betray a friend, but we stopped before there was any real damage. And it certainly didn’t deter your libido with Connie.”
“Anne—” he began, but she lightly bit his hand. He yelped.
“Let me finish my answer, Parker,” she said, now lightly caressing the fingers she’d just bitten. “If you weren’t with Connie, you and I would never have gotten close. You’d never have given me the book, and we’d never have had this connection. Connie is more than just your girlfriend. She’s the reason we came together. So it’s partly about her, but mostly because it’s not the right time.”
“Why not, Anne? What does time have to do with it?”
“You’re going places, and that’s exciting. I’m staying here, and that’s perfect…for me. Your parents want one thing. Connie needs you to free her. The last thing I want is to be one more person making demands. I can’t be like that.” He lifted her fingers to his lips.
“That’s maybe the best thing about you. You don’t take. You just give.” She blushed. He turned his head to take another drag on his cigarette, and then turned his face so that the smoke didn’t get into her hair. She could watch him smoke all day.
“You know, Parker, if I didn’t love you, if I was just this racy little thing with no morals, I’ll bet I could…” He turned to look at her, something going on behind his eyes.
“Could what?”
“I could be…I don’t know, your…girl on the side.” She laughed. He didn’t, but he did begin stroking her hand with his thumb.
“I sound like a romance novel, don’t I? Your girl on the side.”
“That wouldn’t be so—”
“Yes, it would be so bad. Parker, I love you, and that means I have to say no. You need your adventures, and I believe Connie is part of that. School’s almost over. Go to prom, make her happy, and then do what you want to do.” She thought she saw tears forming in his eyes. “Parker? Has anyone really asked you what it is that you want?” She looked into his eyes. She knew she’d hit on something and tried to let go of his hand.
“Don’t let go, Anne.” She hesitated, then left her hand in his. “You’re right. No one’s asked me, not really. Connie asks what I want, what I’d like, what I’d…” He blushed and looked away. Annie knew he meant. Connie asks what I want in the bedroom. She didn’t say it aloud, but he did. “I know you know exactly what I mean. But, no, nobody asks. Not even you, Anne. You’re not asking. You’re telling me what to think, and how it’s going to be.” She sighed, then squeezed his hand again.
“OK then, I’m asking. What, Parker Levitt, is it that you want to do?” He looked up to see her grinning.
“OK then, Anne Stewart, I’ll tell you. I want to travel, but not Europe. I don’t get why people have to ‘go to Europe’ when they haven’t seen much of this country. I want to meet strangers, to sample religions, to fill thousands of pages in a journal. I want to go to state fairs, and car races, all in other states, and make a fool of myself singing in front of a bunch of strangers.” He paused, worried he’d said too much, but she smiled and nodded.
“Keep going. What else?”
“I have dreams now. Ever since I visited New York. I dream, and there are little pieces of from when I was a kid. And all of this,” he swept his hand, “all of this, I want to do with you.” He let his head fall back in relief to have it all finally out there. She squeezed his hand again.
“Thank you for telling me, Parker,” she said. “It sounds perfect…for you. But not for me. I don’t want to travel like that, be on the road with no real plans. Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I’m not leaving Rockland? Do they think I’m looking for someone to finally come up with one last reason that’ll make me change my mind? I’m happy here. I w
ant to live here, get married, grow old, have children, even be buried here. Right here. I can see myself next to my parents, and my husband, right here in Laurel Hill Cemetery. I want to live here my entire life, and I’m serious. You do need adventure, though, Parker, but you’re going to have to find it with someone else, not me, because this is where I belong. This is where I feel alive. This tiny, goofy little town makes me happy.”
She kissed his hand, then let go. He looked down and shook his head. “What?” she prompted. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” He got walked a few feet away from the tree then stood as if looking into the future. A future, she now knew, he desperately wanted to share with her.
“I don’t believe you, Anne,” he said, still facing away. “You want more than…this. I know it.” He suddenly stood taller, and when he turned back, she saw his eyes were on fire. “You read the book, Anne, and it hit you, just like it hit me. You do want out. You do want to feel something, and it’s more than you’ll ever find here. You want to go with me. You can’t admit it, but I know it. I just—” He shook his fist at the sky. “Goddammit, Anne! Why can’t you let go? Say yes, and go. With me!” He stared her down. She backed away, shaking her head, then turned her head and sighed. Of all people, how could he not understand?
Parker was just the same as Connie, just the same as everyone else who thought that life could not possibly begin until they were out of town. As quickly as it came, her love for him slipped away, and that was it. No more struggle, no more pull. She saw him at a distance now, like she saw so many of her friends, saving the best of themselves for when they left for what they considered a better time in a different place. Ironically, though, she wasn’t sad. She’d grown used to disappointment.
“It’s not that I can’t say yes, Parker. I don’t want to say yes.” She took a step back toward her house. “I’m going in now. You need to go talk to Connie, and we—you and I—we’re not going to talk about this, not ever again. I mean it.” With that she turned to go. As she reached the steps, she heard his shoes crunch on the gravel, then his car door open. Her hand was on the screen door when she heard his car door slam. Parker doesn’t slam doors. She turned as he started the engine, revved it, then reversed into the street, spewing gravel from her driveway.
She watched in disbelief as he slammed the car into gear, then peeled out, leaving skid marks. He ignored the stop sign at the corner, flying through a left turn. She heard him gun the engine, then squeal through another turn. Finally, the sounds faded away.
Annie shook her head to clear it, and then realized that, in spite of his suddenly brash behavior, she was free. All the tension, the strangeness, the fear and guilt and worry, drained from her body. She was finally done. She felt like she’d been lost, but now was back on course. He was gone, and wouldn’t be back, and she chuckled, thinking of the book.
All she needed to be happy was her little town. All Parker needed was a car and a road, and he had both. Everything would be fine.
That is, until it was not.
11
Annie’s new nightmare began when she walked into the cafeteria the next morning. The girls all stared at her when she sat down at the table. When she said hello, they nodded, or shrugged, or both, but no one spoke. It was as if she were a stranger. Connie wasn’t there, and when Annie asked about her, Ellen said sarcastically, “Did you really expect Connie to be here?” Annie just looked at her.
“El, what’s going on?”
“You tell us, Annie. What is going on?” Annie was floored. She looked around for a clue, but the rest of the girls gathered their things, leaving Ellen and Annie alone.
“Ellen, please, why is everyone so angry?” Ellen searched for something in Annie’s face. Apparently finding it, she sat back in her chair.
“You’re not joking, are you?”
“Joking about what?”
“You really don’t know, do you?”
“Ellen—”
Ellen leaned closer. “Parker broke up with Connie, and he said it was because he was in love with you.” Annie’s stomach twisted into a knot. “Did you know he was going to do that?” Annie helplessly shook her head. Ellen reached for her hand. “I didn’t think so.”
“Then why didn’t you…?” She trailed off when she saw tears in Ellen’s eyes.
“Defend you?” Annie nodded. “I don’t know, Annie. Connie was pretty convincing, so we all thought—I’m so ashamed—we thought you and Parker were having a secret affair.” Ellen began to cry. Annie reflexively put a hand on Ellen’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “I am so sorry, Annie.” This is getting way out of control, Annie thought. This all needs to stop, to just…go away.
“It’s okay.” Annie hugged Ellen. “I’m sure it’s... Parker’s nervous about his future and... I don’t know what’s going on with him, Ellen. I really don’t.” Just then, Connie appeared.
She sat down and carefully folded her hands in front of her on the table. She didn’t look at either of them, just stared with a flushed, tear-stained face at her knuckles as they slowly turned white.
“Connie,” Annie asked cautiously, “are you okay?” Connie gave her a sickly thread of a smile.
“I don’t know, Annie. Am I okay?”
“I don’t—” Ellen stopped Annie with a hand on her arm. The silence grew thick.
“So, Parker broke up with me because he’s in love with you,” Connie said finally. “I didn't see that coming but, maybe I’ve just been ignoring the signs.”
“What signs?” Annie asked. Connie laughed. Ellen pulled her hand away.
“Oh, I don’t know, the two of you spending all your time talking about that stupid fucking book?!” She pounded a fist on the table, startling the room. Annie flinched, just as Connie wanted. “Hugging in the hallway. Doing God knows what, God knows where.” Connie glared at the curious faces. Annie expected more, but Connie took a deep breath, pulled herself together then hissed. “So, tell me, Annie, my best friend, are you in love with my boyfriend?”
Not anymore. But Annie didn’t think Connie would believe her, so she said nothing. Connie fidgeted with a sugar packet.
“Answer me, Annie,” Connie said, still looking down.
“No, I’m not in love with your boyfriend.” It was the truth, at least as far as Annie was concerned. She wasn’t in love with Parker. As for Parker still being Connie’s boyfriend, Connie didn’t need to know everything Parker had said. “Connie, look at me. I am not in love with Parker.” Connie looked at Ellen.
“Do you believe her?” Connie asked. Ellen nodded.
“C'mon, Connie,” Ellen said. “You know Annie’s brutally honest. She’d never do anything to hurt you.” Connie continued fiddling with the sugar packet. Suddenly, she threw it across the room.
“Fuck it!” she shouted and faces turned again. “Oh, shut up and go get cable,” she said to the room. Annie and Ellen giggled. Connie joined in, but once the prying eyes turned back to their lunches and last-ditch attempts to finish homework, Connie started to cry again. Annie hesitated, then came around the table to hug her. It felt false, but Connie was still her friend, and she was hurting. “Why is he doing this?” she sobbed, holding tight to Annie. “I thought we... Everything was so wonderful.”
“I don’t know.” Annie rubbed Connie’s back with one hand. “He’s just... He’s worried and scared.”
“She’s right, Con,” Ellen said. “Parker’s under a ton of pressure, you know that.” Connie wiped her nose on her sleeve, looking to Annie for assurance.
“He just needs support and understanding right now.” Connie snuffled, a sob catching in her throat. Annie couldn’t stand to see her friend suffer. “Listen, honey, do you want me to talk to him?”
“Would you?” Connie pleaded. “I think he’d listen to you.” Annie smiled.
“I’d be happy to.”
Connie flung herself into Annie’s arms, sobbing again. She’s so trusting, Annie thought. She has no idea.
Annie fe
lt sick again, but she would talk to Parker, get them back together, and then lay low. There were only three months left until graduation. Then Annie would hide in her room all summer, if that’s what it took to put this all behind them.
“I’ll talk to him right after school,” Annie said. “We have a student government meeting, but it’s just a formality. It’ll be OK.” She rocked Connie for a few moments. Then the bell rang, and the three girls gathered their things and walked slowly to class.
***
Annie’s hand connecting with Parker’s face echoed like a shock wave through the empty hall. The force of it spun him around. When he turned back, she could clearly see her handprint.
“Jesus, Anne, what the fuck?! What was that for?”
A Small Town Dream Page 7
