by Toni Aleo
I could have lived without love, but I learned I thrive with it. And now that I’ve have it, I can’t be without it.
“Remember you have that pole class next week,” Reese reminds me as I stuff my face with a piece of sushi.
Nodding while covering my mouth, I chew up the piece and then wash it down with water before saying, “Yeah, Wednesday, is everyone coming?”
She smiles. “Well, Piper is bitching ’cause she’s pregnant and doesn’t know why I’m making her continue the class when she’s getting bigger, but I told her to shut up. We started as a group, we’ll finish as a group.”
“Awesome, I can’t wait to see everyone,” I say, speaking of my Assassins family.
“Yeah, they are excited. I heard Fallon is getting a pole installed in the bedroom,” she laughs and I laugh along.
“I bet Uncle Lucas loves that.”
“You know he does,” she says, shaking her head. “They are crazy, but it’s fun.”
“Agreed. I’m using that dance for one at Ms. Prissy’s. Do you think that’s bad? Like recycling dances?”
“No, not at all. It’s a private class. We’re just testing the waters, no big deal.”
“Okay, cool,” I say. “Ms. Prissy was telling me some investors are coming.”
“Wow,” Reese says, looking up at me. “That’s huge. When I was there, we had some come from Florida and Texas – opened up two new Prissy’s and I even went to train the staff. It’s a lot of fun and lots of money to be made. I actually had the chance to run one of the Prissy’s, but I had just been accepted to the dance company. Make sure those are the best dances you’ve ever come up with for the club. This could be good for your career.”
“Yeah,” I say as my stomach drops. “Do you think it could be a career? Burlesque?”
She nods as she meets my gaze. “Claire, you could be the best burlesque choreographer I’ve ever seen. You have amazing talent. That’s why Ms. Prissy pays you way more than she ever paid me. You’re doing well for yourself. Not everyone can say they make two grand for a two-minute piece at the age of nineteen. Lord knows, I couldn’t. You could own your own club and succeed, so make sure you impress those investors.”
“I will. I really want this. I think that it would be good not only for Ms. Prissy but for me.”
“It can be. Believe me. Big things can happen, babe.”
I smile, excited about it all. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and hoping that maybe this is my break to get into the world of dance. Choreographing amazing dances for Las Vegas shows would be amazing, and I love burlesque. It’s so sexy and fun, and I know I’m good at it.
“Can I come and show you what I’ve got so far?” I ask, needing her support.
“Of course.”
“Thanks,” I say and then I chew on my lip for a moment, mulling over the words in my head before I ask what I’ve been wanting to ask for a while. Reese had worked for Ms. Prissy all summer long for four years when she was home from college. She would also sell pieces to Ms. Prissy by videotaping them and sending them to her when she was gone. Like she’d said, Ms. Prissy paid her well, but she pays me better. Which works great for me – I’m making a lot of money and doing something I love. Not many people can say that.
But that’s not what’s bothering me. I’m good with my money and my work, but I’m not good with hiding it from Jude or even Phillip.
Looking across the table, I ask, “So did anyone know you worked there?”
She shakes her head. “Nope. Not even Piper knew until my third year there. Then she started working there,” she says with a laugh.
I smile as I pick up a piece of sushi before throwing it in my mouth. When my phone starts to sound with a text, I chew my piece as I dig my phone out of my pocket to see that it’s a text from Jude.
Hey Jude: Wanna eat some food on a blanket outside?
I laugh. Like a picnic.
Hey Jude: saying do u want to have a picnic makes me sound like a girl, so wanna eat on a blanket outside?
Me: Weirdo. Will there be waffles?
Hey Jude: there will be now.
Me: Then yes, I’ll love to have a picnic with you.
Hey Jude: haha. 7ish?
Me: sounds good.
Hey Jude: btw…I miss u.
Me. Btw…I miss u way, way more.
Hey Jude: I doubt that.
“Jude?”
I glance up from my phone to meet Reese’s knowing gaze. Tucking my phone in my pocket, I shrug. “Yeah, how did you know?”
A grin pulls at the side of her mouth before she takes a drink of her water. “Only a guy can put that grin on your face. You’re basically glowing, Claire.”
“It’s no big deal,” I say even though I know I’m lying my ass off. I look away shyly. I don’t know why I’m shy about him, but I am, especially in front of Reese. I don’t get why, because with anyone else I’m loud and proud, but she knows me. She can see through me in a heartbeat and will know that he means more to me then I’ll let on.
“Don’t lie to me. He means something to you and that’s good,” she says and then pauses. When I look up, I see that she’s watching me. “Is he the reason you asked who knew about me in the club?”
“Yeah,” I say, picking up a napkin and tearing it apart. “I haven’t told him and I feel like I’m lying to him. I don’t want to do that because this is new and perfect, and oh God, Reese, I’m falling for him. He means so much to me in such a short amount of time, and honestly, I don’t think I could lose him.”
She nods, a smile playing on her lips. “That’s wonderful, Claire. I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to see this blossom for you. I didn’t have a boyfriend back then, so it was different for me, but I’m assuming that you think Jude won’t like his girlfriend dancing for a group of men. Even if it is in a classy way like burlesque dancing.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “But I can’t quit. I need the security of that money.”
Her face scrunches up, and I regret the words I say as soon as they leave my lips. I just got myself in a world of trouble.
“We’ve been through this, Claire. You don’t need money – we will take care of you.”
“I know you guys will, but I don’t want to depend on you my whole life. I have to stand on my own two feet.”
“I understand that, but you don’t have to do something you are ashamed of to make ends meet. We will take care of you.”
“I’m not ashamed,” I say, but that’s not the whole truth. I love doing this, but I know that Phillip and Jude won’t like it, and because of that, I’m ashamed. Shaking my head, I whisper, “I have to take care of myself.”
“I wish I could slap your mother. God rest her soul, but I mean, shit, Claire. How much do we have to do to reassure you that we aren’t going anywhere? All these years have passed. Have we left? No, we’re here for the long haul. Beside you, loving you, you know we love you, right?”
I nod, meeting her gaze. “Of course I do, but–”
“That’s all that matters,” she says, “We love you. Nothing will ever stop that. You have to quit with this. I know people have come and gone in your life, but sweetheart, we aren’t going anywhere.”
I want to trust and believe that, I do, but it’s hard. But I grew up with my mom saying, “No one stays forever,” and I believed her. Reese and Phillip could decide they are done with me in an instant. Hell, Jude could too, but while I pick up the pieces of my heart, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to have that security. Money is that. I will always have food and shelter as long as I have money.
Reaching for my hand, she squeezes my fingers and I look up at her. “Answer me this: do you like dancing onstage?”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood so I let up. I don’t want to answer her because I know what she’s going to say. But I also know I can’t lie to her. “I don’t like the attention sometimes. I don’t like dancing as someone else, and I don’t like when we
get the drunks who try to grab me and shit, but I love the idea of burlesque.”
“Then you quit. Right now.”
I’m shaking my head before she finishes the sentence. I ignore her irritated look and say, “Reese, I need another twenty grand and I’ll quit. I’ll have enough for a studio and a decent life after I graduate. Not much longer, a month or two at the most. I want to do this investors thing too.”
Eyeing me, she doesn’t say anything for a long time, and then she asks, “I can’t talk you out of this, can I? You’re gonna do it no matter what? You know you can do the investors thing offstage.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know, but I make so much money onstage. I can’t walk away from that, plus Ms. Prissy would freak if I quit. I’m her best dancer.”
“I know, honey, but if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it.”
“I know, but I do like it…sometimes, and I think in my heart I know y’all will never leave me, but I’m scared. I need this security. Please just let me get it and then I’ll quit. I promise.”
“Two months, that’s it.”
“Two months. Then I’ll quit. But what should I do about Jude?”
Shaking her head, she says, “Quit, or tell him.”
“I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll leave. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I don’t want to lose him.”
“If he leaves, then he doesn’t deserve you. But you need to be honest or this will blow up in your face. This is a respectable business; it’s not like being a stripper. You aren’t that.”
I know she’s right, but maybe I can just keep it quiet for another two months. Though, that just doesn’t seem right. I feel as if I’m not giving him all of me and I hate that. I know he’s an all-in kind of guy, and I feel like he deserves the same from me, but I don’t know how to share this with him.
Looking across the table, I know she’s frustrated with me. Maybe even a little hurt. “Are you mad?”
Looking at me, she says, “No. I’m hurt. I thought we’d done everything we could to make you feel secure in our love, but I guess not.”
“No, you have, I promise. I’m just scared, Reese. I love you guys. I couldn’t be the person I am without you.”
“Then quit.”
“In two months, please. Two months, Reese.”
Shaking her head, she takes in a deep breath and then lets it go. “Fine, but you need to tell Phillip too while you’re at it. Especially if this becomes something you’re going to do forever. I know that you may be scared that he’ll be mad, but I bet you he won’t. He wants whatever is going to make you happy.”
“I know that, but he still isn’t going to like that I’m onstage.”
“No, but he’ll get over it as soon as you tell him this is something you want to make into a career. You’re good at it, beautiful at it. Phillip is all about what makes us happy, and that’s all that matters. He always says as long as his girls are happy, life is good. That’s what a good man does. He loves you for all of you and supports you in what you want to do. I bet if you tell Jude the same thing, he’ll understand. You just have to believe that.”
“I love making dances and I love the sexiness of burlesque,” I admit and she smiles. “But I’m worried they won’t see it that way, they’ll think it’s stripping or something degrading. No one has ever seen my tits or vagina.”
“I agree, and I’m sure they will too.”
“I just want to be happy.”
“Then do it, baby. But be honest. Don’t hide what you are proud of. You just have to be honest. Honest about everything, Claire. Don’t hold back. I’m sure he’ll understand and support you.”
I sure do hope so.
But something tells me that, while Phillip might do as Reese says, Jude is a whole other situation.
One that scares the hell out of me.
Chapter 23
Claire
When I’m not dancing with the dance team, I’m at the studio, and when I’m not at the studio, I’m dancing at Ms. Prissy’s. Somehow, between all this, I’m also going to school, studying, and falling for Jude Sinclair a little more each day.
It’s magical, really.
I should be overwhelmed and stressed out, but for the last six days, I’ve felt amazing. Perfect even. He makes everything so easy. It’s not hard to be with him and I enjoy that. I don’t want to work to like someone, and I feel like it shouldn’t be like that. It should be easy, and with him, it is. He’s honestly my favorite person right now, and that’s saying a lot because I love Phillip and Reese something crazy. But there is something about Jude that makes me breathless and excited for every second I get to be with him.
I just enjoy him.
I love learning things about him, discovering his likes and dislikes. I mean, he loves candy but only fruity stuff. No chocolate! I told him he was nuts, but when he told me he wasn’t a big fan of cake, I told him I didn’t think this relationship would work. He proved otherwise by kissing the hell out of me and letting me know I’m not going anywhere without him. It’s little things like that that just make me all ooey and gooey inside. He’s so fun to talk to especially when he talks about all the trouble he and his brothers got into, which was a lot. He has so many stories, and while I love his versions, I bet his mom’s versions of everything will be more entertaining. I am nervous about meeting her and the rest of his family, but in a way, I’m good with it. I know that he respects his mom and loves her more than anything, but I figure if after all this time he hadn’t been with anyone, and now he’s bringing me home, Mrs. Sinclair is bound to love me or hate me. Hoping for the first option!
While this week has been amazing getting know him even more, my favorite part besides cuddling with him has been watching him play hockey. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of early mornings, especially when I’m out till four in the morning dancing, but I would honestly get up every single morning to watch Jude play. And I have for the last three days. I used to think that Phillip was the best player I’d ever seen, and maybe I’m being biased because I like the guy, but my God, he is phenomenal. He’s so quick, knows the game like the back of his hand, and makes the plays that need to be made. He’s a little selfish with the puck, but it’s because he knows he can score, and I admire that. He told me he’s learning to be a better team player, but he can’t resist making the big plays, and I love watching him do it.
It’s almost like he is the whole package to me. He’s sweet, romantic, and so damn honest. If he doesn’t like something, he tells me, and he makes it known when he does like something. Again, it’s just so damn easy. I can lie on him and read a book and not worry about a damn thing. It’s all just so comfortable. We fit together when we sleep, we like the same foods, and the boy can kiss my socks off. I’m falling for him. That’s all there is to it, and I can’t figure out how that makes me feel. On one hand, I am all for it – hell yeah, let’s do this! But, on the other hand, what if I give him all of me and he decides that some other girl is more worth his time? I know that every person has that fear, but unlike other people, I can’t just stop. I have to be with him – I have to see him, talk to him, and kiss him. I need him. I can’t turn around and run like I want to; I’m rooted to this guy.
Knowing that I’m going to see him in a matter of hours to head out to his family’s house makes me extremely excited. To my surprise, I’m more excited about seeing him than seeing my Assassins family, and I kinda feel like an asshole for that. These are my favorite women ever. I shouldn’t be counting down the minutes to the end of this class to see Jude, but…I am. That makes me an asshole, huh? I just can’t help it!
Taking off my shirt and sweatpants, I fold them before hitting the floor to stretch. I’m wearing my bra that Reese got me. It says “Get Sexy” on it, and on the ass of my booty shorts, it says “One pole at a time.” To say that Phillip didn’t like the outfit at all is an understatement and further supports my claim that he’s probably going to lock me up when I finally get the balls to
tell him about Ms. Prissy’s. He knows that Reese used to work there, but it’s different with me. I’m his niece, basically his daughter, and I don’t think he’s going to support me. No matter how excited I am about the investors.
Just the other night, I performed and started teaching the choreographed numbers I had come up with, and Ms. Prissy was blown away. She joked that I was going to be taking over the business, and it pleased me beyond belief. I called Reese at two in the morning just to tell her. I’m excited, and a part of me can see the bright lights of Las Vegas. The only thing I hope is that Jude gets picked up by either the Ducks or the Kings… Oh, and that he stays with me when he finds out I dance for horny men.
My phone dings and I head to my bag to get it, and when I see the message is from Jude, I say, “Speak of the devil and he shall appear.”
Hey Jude: U want me to pick u back up at 5 right?
Me: Yeah, I’ll be ready, my class gets over at 4:15, I’ll be down there by then.
Hey Jude: Ok, awesome, see you soon.
Me: Great.
I go to put my phone down, but before I can, another text comes through. Leaning against the pole, I click on it and smile as I read his text.
Hey Jude: btw…I miss u a whole heck of a lot.
I smile as my heart soars. I didn’t get to see him but for a few minutes yesterday since Tuesdays are insane for both of us. I have an afternoon class, dance, and then classes here at the studio, and he has an afternoon class and hockey that night. Because of that, we only had about ten minutes to see each other and it wasn’t nearly enough, so I know exactly what he means.
Me: btw…I miss u a whole heck of a lot…more.
Hey Jude:
Me: <3 See you soon.
Pushing off the pole, I head to my bag and toss my phone in it. Standing up, I glance out at where ten dance poles are set up for the new class Reese and I are trying out. We already have tons of moms signing up for it, but I want to practice on my family first. The training for pole dancing was amazing, and I’ve been using a lot of what I learned from it, but mostly I use stuff from the club. My main goal is to make them feel sexy, and since that comes easily to me, this is fun. The great thing is that it encourages fitness too, and my aunt Elli has already lost ten pounds this month from doing it each week!
