by Toni Aleo
Claire Anderson: My life is going to change tonight, I feel it in my gut. It may be the start of something new and exciting but it could possibly be the end of something else. While I want to be excited for my future, I can’t when I don’t have him beside me. #broken #IMissHim #HopeHeShowsUp #IDontWantToLiveWithoutHIm
Chewing on the inside of my lip, I open the comments and read as all her friends say that if it is meant to be, it will work out, and all that stupid stuff that girls say to make the other girl feel better, when really they are just happy she’s miserable like them. Taking in a deep breath, I read her status again, and I don’t know how I feel. I miss her. So much. I love her, even though she lied to me. I know that, and I really don’t want her to start something new without me. I want to be there with her. I want to be supportive and cheer on her endeavors. I just have to figure out if I can let it go. Since being on Facebook won’t do that, I tuck my phone in my pocket and look out at the stage.
This time a girl is dancing solo with a chair. When I’m sure it is not Claire, I reach for my beer just as someone says, “I didn’t think you were going to come.”
I look over my shoulder to find Phillip standing behind me. I nod slowly and say, “Didn’t think I was going to either.”
“Is this seat taken?” he asks, pulling out a chair, and before I can answer, he lowers himself into it, leaving his forearms on the table and looking at me. “I’m glad you came. It will mean the world to her.”
I shrug. “Yeah, don’t tell her ’cause I’m not sure how I feel about this yet.”
Phillip nods his head slowly, his eyes on his hands, and I’m not sure why he’s here. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“Why?” I ask, my brows coming together. “Shouldn’t you be glad that we broke up? That there is a chance I’m no longer going to steal Claire away? I’m no longer a threat, so what is there to talk about?”
He glares and then says, “A lot actually. While I don’t want you with her, and I don’t want you to take her away from me, I know she loves you. And because she loves you, I have to give you the benefit of the doubt and trust that she’s right about you.”
“Yeah, that trust thing with Claire is a little iffy right now,” I say, and I know he doesn’t like that one bit.
“You know she lied to me too,” he says and I meet his gaze, surprised by that. “But here is how I forgave her. I know it’s different because you don’t have to love her, but–”
“Yeah, I do,” I say. “I do have to love her.”
He nods with a grin growing on his face. “I thought you might say that. So let’s just say we’re in the same boat then, and this is how I’ve stayed afloat and not lost my mind,” he pauses and lets out a breath before looking back at the stage. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but of course, I need to know how he forgave her. I didn’t know that she had lied to both of us; I thought she told Phillip everything.
Looking back at me, he says, “I know I could just stop talking to her. Cut all ties and just do what is expected – make sure she’s taken care of and safe. That was my plan at first because I couldn’t get over that she’d lied to me. Me, her person, but she did. For a long time, and my wife was in on it too. You can just imagine how pissed I was.”
I don’t answer; I just nod as he goes on, “But then after five days, I sat there and thought, can I really let her go and never see her smiling face again or hear her tell me she loves me? The answer was no. I promised that I would love her and support her no matter what, and I’ve done a great job of that. Yeah, I’m hard on her about guys she dates, but she knows I love her. Do I like that she’s on that stage? Hell no. I hate it and want to pull her off it, but she had it in her head that she has to have this security of money. She doesn’t now, if you’re wondering. She knows who she needs, where she finds her security – it just took trial and error to learn that.”
I clear my throat since it is thick with emotion and say, “I understand that everyone makes mistakes, but how do I forgive her? How do I trust that she’ll never hurt me again?”
“You just do,” he answers simply. “I ‘dated’ Reese for months, and when she broke up with me, and then she wanted me back, I had that moment where I was like, do I take her back? Do I trust that she’ll never hurt me again? I thought, can I live without her smile and the sound of her telling me she loves me? The answer was no again. Those two girls have me wrapped around their fingers, and yeah, they both messed up, but I forgave them because I love them.”
Chewing on my lip, I let out a long breath. I’m not sure why, but I admit, “But I don’t want to be my mom, forever forgiving my dad’s mistakes.”
“I understand that and I agree, but if they really love you, they won’t make the same mistake twice.”
Looking toward the stage, I take in a deep breath as another girl comes on and does some fan looking dance. Weird, but I need something to distract me because Phillip is killing me here. Every time I hear Claire’s name, think of her sweet lips and loving eyes, a little piece of me breaks because I miss her so much. I’m so irritated with myself for falling so quickly and not seeing that she may have been holding back some things. Instead of questioning and being more sure of who I was falling for, I just fell. And for some reason, I don’t regret any of it. I love Claire. With everything inside me. And I want her back.
“You’ve heard that song, ‘Hey Jude,’ right?” he asks suddenly, and I give him a dark look as he smiles. “Of course you have, but there is a part in the song that I think will help. You know the song, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I think it goes, ‘Hey Jude, don’t be afraid, you were meant to go out and get her.’” He waits for me to say something, but what the hell do I say to that? So I just stare at him as he grins like a fool, like he’s the funniest guy in the world, and then he says, “I mean, it says it in the song; I think you should listen.”
Scoffing, I roll my eyes as I direct them back to the stage. “I don’t know.”
Suddenly, his hand comes crashing against my shoulder and he says, “You do know.”
Then I watch as he walks away, sitting beside the person I had assumed was Reese. Sitting down, he kisses her cheek, and I let out the breath I was holding. That guy makes me so nervous, but the surprising thing is he’s the only one who’s gotten through to me. I’m not sure why, but maybe I can trust her, maybe I can believe that this can work, that I can forgive her.
Glancing up at the stage since the room has gone dark, I watch as they set up a pole. Then the soft music starts and the curtain behind the pole opens to reveal Claire standing in all her gorgeous glory. She’s wearing only one of my Bullies tees, her red hair shiny and down along her shoulders, with no makeup. It’s not what I expected. I expected her to be all done up, ready for a show, but she looks so beautiful, so vulnerable.
And fuck, I miss her.
I’ve gotten her texts, her calls, her Facebook messages, but I’ve just ignored everything trying to figure out what I need to do. I’ve seen her around campus, but I don’t think she’s ever seen me. A part of me feels like she stopped looking, but then I realized that maybe she felt as empty as I do and was just going through the motions of life. Like I have. I mean, what is the point of trying to live a good life when it’s not with your other half?
It’s like lying, and I’m tired of lying.
Chapter 49
Claire
As I stand there, the lights warm my face and I look out into the audience.
Searching for him.
My nerves are eating me alive, and I’ve never been nervous before, but the seven men that sit behind Reese and Phillip are the men who are going to decide my future in this business.
But I don’t see him.
Biting into my lip to keep it from wobbling, I run my hands up my thighs, taking the edges of Jude’s shirt and pulling it off, throwing it to the ground as Curtis Jarvis sings “Stay With Me.” It’s one of my favorite songs since Jude and I split up, if that’s what
you call it. I stand in only a black lace sports bra and matching boy shorts, not as Diamond either, as Claire. Claire Anderson, the girl who loves Jude Sinclair more than anything in this world, and this song is for him, but he isn’t here to see it.
Slowly strutting forward, my fingers dance along the pole, imaging that it’s Jude who I’m touching. Bending at my waist, I throw my leg up behind me, pressing my foot into the pole above my head. I hear clapping, but I ignore it because all I can think is that Jude didn’t come, and that basically means we’re through. That he doesn’t want me.
Swallowing my tears, I drop my leg, turning my back to the pole and sliding down it till my butt hits the floor. Lifting my legs over my body, I wrap them around the pole and then lift my top half off the ground, arching my back up. I want to look graceful, I want to be pretty for everyone, but I just feel like giving up and accepting that I’ll never truly be happy. Coming off the pole, I wrap one leg around it, spinning around the pole as my hair dusts the ground, running my hands down my body and then back up before climbing up the pole to do more tricks. But soon it’s all second nature to me, and I wonder if everyone knows I’m not enjoying myself, that I’m not even trying.
That I’d rather be in my room, my face buried in my pillow, crying over Jude.
When I let go of the pole, stretching my arms above my head, holding myself with my thighs, I spin and spin and spin, the wind I’m making cooling my skin and the light blinding me. I’m used to it though, I’ve practiced this over a million times, it seems. Holding on to the pole, I open my legs and slide down the pole until my thighs touch the floor as I look out into the crowd. When my eyes meet Phillip’s, and I see that pride is basically seeping out of his pores, I know I have to give this my all. He forgave me, he supports me, and I have to try for him.
Standing up, I kick my leg up, doing the splits on the pole as I drop my head back, my hands coming down my body into my hair as the singer sings his ass off. As I continue my tricks and wow the crowd, and hopefully the investors, I think that, yeah, we’re through, and yes, it is going to suck really bad, but hey, I had the love of my life young. Do I regret my decisions? More than anything. But at least when I had the chance, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I gave one hundred percent to us, but I held back something that I know was wrong, and because of that, I learned my lesson. Everything in my life has been a learning curve, and when it is time for me to love again, and Lord knows when that will be, I’ll love with all my heart and know never to lie to the person I love. I fucked up and I know this. I just have to accept that he’s gone, but still, I can’t give up a chance of a lifetime.
Dancing like this is the last dance I’ll ever do, and I know everyone is impressed when the music ends and the lights dim. Phillip and Reese jump to their feet as they clap and Reese cries. Blowing a kiss to them, I watch as men lay money on the stage, and I smile a thanks to them even though I’m not thankful for it. I don’t want the money, I want to see Jude, and I want him to wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me.
That’s my security, that’s my safe haven…
That’s what I need.
The show ends as I step offstage, and the first person I see is Ms. Prissy. She wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly as she kisses my forehead. “Phenomenal.”
“Thank you,” I sigh, and I try to smile, but it’s more of a grimace. It was my best pole dance, and I wish Jude were here. I wish he would have been sitting beside Phillip, cheering me on, but that isn’t what’s in my cards, and I’ll learn to accept that. Someday.
“They’ll be back in a few. Want to go change?”
“Yeah,” I agree as I walk away, heading to my station. Ellen is sitting at her station on her phone, her things packed up, and it reminds me that I need to pack up my things. I throw on my Bullies sweats and I start to pack as I say, “So you’re going through with it?”
She looks at me in the mirror and nods. “I love him.”
“He’s a liar and a cheat. You aren’t making the right decision,” I say, but I know it’s no use. She’s going to New York with Mr. Sinclair to run his club. Not only is the club going to suck, but they won’t last. He’s the dirt on the bottom of my shoe, and she doesn’t deserve that. Plus she couldn’t run anything. She doesn’t have the smarts for it, as horrible as that sounds.
“I don’t agree. We’re happy, so he left his family for me. It’s true love,” she says, her eyes diverting to her phone.
I watch her for a long time, and I just shake my head. Taking in a deep breath, I want to call her a dumbass, tell her she’s doing something so wrong and dirty, but who am I to judge?
Nodding my head, not in agreement, I say, “Good luck, Ellen.”
She doesn’t say anything to me, and I’m thankful for that. Quickly, I pack up my things just as Ms. Prissy calls me to her office.
As I pass by Ellen, she says, “Good luck to you too.”
I send her a small smile, and that’s all I can muster up for her. I can’t believe that she would stay with someone like that, but it’s not my problem. Mrs. Sinclair kicked him to the curb according to Jayden, so as long as she’s done with him, I should be too. Especially since I’m not even dating her son anymore, and plus, I’m about to find out my future. I have bigger things to worry about than dealing with Ellen’s bad choices.
Swallowing loudly, I go through the door to see that Ms. Prissy’s office is full. Not only are the seven investors from Vegas there, but also the lawyer that Phillip hired, and Ms. Prissy, of course. Taking a deep breath, I put a smile on my face and decide that this is it; I have to let go of the past.
And that includes Jude.
An hour later I walk out of the office not really sure what just happened. My skin is tingling, my heart racing, and I feel breathless.
Did that really just happen?
Like a zombie, I walk to my station and grab my things before heading out to find Reese and Phillip. They said they would meet me in the parking lot, and that’s where I find them, standing beside their car.
Phillip takes my box and asks, “So?”
“Tell us!” Reese giggles.
A smile covers my lips and tears rush to my eyes as I say, “I just signed a half a million dollar contract for three years to be the director and choreographer of Diamond Burlesque Revue in Las Vegas, Nevada.”
“Oh shit!” Phillip yells, wrapping me up in his arms and hugging me. I feel Reese behind me, kissing my temple as they both hug me tightly. Tears rush down my cheeks as I hold on to the two people who have been my rock my whole life. When I told Reese that my life began when I came to them, I meant it. I came alive when I met Jude, but now that’s all over. Knowing that makes the tears come faster, drenching Phillip’s shirt. Kissing my cheek loudly, he says, “I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you,” I cry as we part. Wiping my face, I take in a deep breath. “I can’t believe it,” I laugh. “Me in Vegas!”
They both beam at me. “We’re so proud! When do you leave?” Reese asks.
“Around April,” I say, letting out the deep breath I sucked in. I want to be happy. I want to know this is going to be the start of my new life, but I just feel empty. I miss Jude. I want him here, beside me, cheering me on. I want to know that he’ll be there whenever I want to call him or need him. Swallowing a sob, I whisper, “I just wish Jude was here.”
“I know, sweetheart,” Reese says, running her thumb along my cheek, and we share a long, loving look.
“He was,” Phillip says.
I whip my head toward him as I screech, “What?!”
“Yeah, I’m here.”
I turn around, and I honestly feel like I’m going to pass out. Meeting Jude’s green eyes, I’m breathless, and I swear my heart stops at the sight of him. I haven’t seen him since the game and nothing has changed. He stills looks sad, his eyes dark and his beard growing thickly – which is so damn sexy, in my opinion. Taking in a breath, I whisper, “You came.”
“I did,” he says, his eyes locked to mine.
My whole body catches on fire, my heart clanking against my ribs, and I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Breathing deeply, I say, “I’m so glad you did. Thank you.”
He nods and his eyes cut to where Phillip and Reese are watching us. I look over at them with wide eyes that say “Get the hell out of here!”
Thankfully Reese catches on and pulls Phillip’s arm. “Let’s go. Claire, call us when you’re done. We’ll go celebrate.”
“Huh?” Phillip says, confused. “I want to know what happens.”
“No! Let’s go,” she urges, sending a grin at Jude. “So nice to see you, Jude.”
“Nice seeing you, Reese,” he says before looking down at the ground.
“I’m not going home, Claire. We’re going to get barbecue,” Phillip says, annoyed, and I give him a dark look.
“I’ll meet you there,” I say as they get into the car with only a wave from Reese. When they pull away, I look back over at Jude and say, “Maybe you would like to come?”
He looks up at me and shrugs. “Maybe.”
Well, that’s hopeful, right? I hope so because I don’t think my heart can take any more. It is pounding hard against my ribs, my breath coming out in spurts, and I honestly don’t know what is going to happen here. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know if I should move, I can’t do anything but look deep into those emerald green eyes and hope to God I get the chance to look at them for the rest of my life.
“I miss you,” he whispers, his lips moving ever so slowly, and I swear those words are music to my ears.
I don’t even realize I’m crying again until the tears are running into my mouth. “I miss you, Jude. So damn much.”
“I’m sorry,” he says then. “I’m sorry for ignoring you and pulling away the way I have.”
