by L. B. Dunbar
Hours passed and it was pitch black when I woke. Jess was still on the bed with me, but there had been a shift. I no longer had on my shoes, which was the first thing I consciously noticed. I also noticed that I was no longer cradled into Jess, but more like sprawled on top of him. I raised my head slightly to take in our new position, and leaned on him to see how we had twisted in the night. Jess was flat on his back with my hand up inside of his t-shirt, touching hot, rippled abdominal skin. His oxford shirt was unbuttoned, lying open. I had one leg hiked over Jess’ leg, so my dress was raised up to below my hip, exposing my thigh, which Jess had his hand on. I looked down at his sleeping face and realized I was practically on top of him. Hurriedly, I disentangled myself and leapt to one side of the bed. In embarrassment, I pulled down the skirt of my dress and realized one of the spaghetti straps had broken.
Jess propped up on his elbows and looked around the room, sleepily.
“What time is it?”
“I have no idea. Late.” I was kneeling awkwardly on one side of the bed by then. I could hear the sounds of the night outside the window. Crickets chirped softly and creatures squeaked through the yard. It took me a moment to process that, no, I had not been drinking, and no, nothing happened between Jess and I. He lay back down and smoothed his uncontained hair before he spoke.
“You okay?”
“I think I was draped all over you.”
“Um… I noticed.” Without seeing his face, I knew he was smiling a lopsided smile and when I covered my own face with my hands in embarrassment, in my mind’s eye I could see his hidden dimple. Jess rolled off the opposite side of the bed and reached down for his shoes.
“Don’t sweat it,” he said with his half-crooked smile. The heat of his voice was seductive and it sent a shiver down me. I shook a little.
“Are you cold?”
“No.”
“I should go. You know, before the neighbors talk.” He smiled again.
“Oh, I bet it’s too late for that.” I giggled. “But you have Katie to think about.”
He didn’t answer and my comment added a tension that wasn’t in the air a moment ago.
“Leave before I do something I’ll regret,” I whispered, trying to make light of the situation.
“Oh, that might tempt me more to stay,” his voice was suddenly lower, dangerous sounding.
“Just go,” I laughed nervously.
“Alright, alright. You don’t have to be so pushy.”
I lay down on my back and giggled softly. “I always am.”
Jess stood as he looked down at me. “Good night, Emily.” I rolled onto my side to see him walk out the door for real this time.
“Good night, Jess.” That new growing desire roll through my body as he exited and I moaned in defeat again.
Quite simply put, what you do says more than what you say.
“Matters of Manners,” 1965
I WOKE TO a light rapping on the back door, and my first thought was of Jess, but then I thought better of it. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the stairs, and eventually opened the door for Sue Carpenter.
“Are you hungry yet?” Sue was cheerful as she looked me up and down. I still had on the black funeral dress, now looking like I had slept in it, which I had.
“No visitor still?” Sue exaggerated her gaze over my shoulder to look around me standing in the doorway.
“Oh God,” I whispered, blushing profusely.
“Oh, no worries. I came to bring you dinner, but the lights were out. I noticed the truck around the side of the block. I’m sure no one else paid attention.” Sue smiled sheepishly. I was sure that if Sue noticed, several others had as well.
“Come in. Come in,” I waved, stepping back.
“Thought you might need some help today. It’s best to dig in and not let things sit and wait.” I knew Sue meant cleaning out Nana’s things.
“I don’t know if I’m really ready. I’m not sure what to do about rentals.”
“Who said anything about rentals?”
“Well, that’s what I was going to do before Nana…” I stopped myself. “I was ready to take Nana to Chicago and fix the house for a rental.”
Sue Carpenter stood with her hands on her hips. “And now?”
“Now what?”
“After last night.”
“Sue! Nothing happened.”
“I don’t need details, girl.”
“No really, nothing happened. We slept together.” I laughed and Sue’s smile practically beamed with excitement. “No, no. We literally slept. No fooling around.”
Sue still had her hands on her hips and had a questioning look on her face. I continued softly, “It’s not like that between us.”
“What is it like ‘between you’?” Sue made quotation marks in the air.
“Nothing. There’s nothing between us. He’s not interested in me.”
“Baloney.”
“No, he told me. He told me the day before Nana fell.” My eyes were cast downward as I pretended to inspect my fingernails.
“Honey, are you blind?”
“No.” My head jolted upward.
“I haven’t seen that boy look at a woman the way he looks at you in years. No other woman, no how.”
“Sue, honest. He told me. I think we’ve just reached a point that we can be friends.”
“Friends? FRIENDS! Bull.” Sue was getting excited and her arms waved into the air. I inspected my nails again to avoid her, but a smile crept onto my face despite my attempts to hold it still.
“Whatever you say. Like I said, I don’t need details.” Sue paused before redirecting this awkward conversation. “Well, where can I help? Can I suggest clothing?” and she tried to walk past me. I put out my hand to stop her from continuing.
“I mean no disrespect. Honest. But I need a day or two, please?”
“Of course, honey.”
“You have been so helpful. Truly. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I just…” Now Sue held up her hand.
“I get it. Looks like rain today. If I were you, I might crawl right back into bed.”
At Sue’s suggestion, I did just that.
I SHOULD HAVE gotten up and showered. I had at least brushed my teeth and changed into sleep shorts and a cami before I climbed back into the comfortable four-poster bed of my childhood summer days and began to read a book I found on the shelf in the hallway. It was a historical fiction romance, well-loved from the creases in the binding. I could not recall reading it before, but I was thoroughly engrossed in the sexcapades of the stylish English gents and beautiful maidens while the day darkened outside. Heavy clouds filled the air and rain came intermittently throughout the daytime. By early evening, there was a full-fledge thunderstorm happening and I had to eventually get up and turn on the light in order to keep reading. I realized I hadn’t eaten all day or even gone back down the stairs. The night air was steamy from the rain and I only vaguely listened to the continuing pitter-patter of rainfall as it hit the window or rattled through the gutter. I was forcing my eyes to remain open through the exciting reunion of two lovers, but my lids lowered completely when the sexy scene shifted to the awkward afterwards.
I awoke with a start when the power went out. I didn’t know if I woke because the light suddenly went off in my room or the loud bolt of lightning that lit the night sky, but I sat upright and squeaked when I saw a man standing next to my bed.
“Jesus,” I whispered loudly.
“No, Jess,” he laughed.
“You scared the effing crap out of me. You really are into the breaking-and-entering thing, aren’t you?”
“I didn’t break in. The door was still unlocked in the back and I saw the light on. You weren’t responding to my knocking, so I let myself in.” He seemed to hesitate for a moment before he added, “I was worried.”
I looked at the bedside clock before I realized it would not be lit up.
“What time is it?”
“Eleve
n.”
“Why are you here?” I knew I sounded foggy, which I was. Again Jess seemed to hesitate before he answered.
“I want to sleep with you,” he huffed out in a rush.
“What?” I practically growled as my mouth fell open, then snapped shut. Jess rubbed a hand down his face.
“That didn’t come out right.”
“You’re really cutting to the chase, considering you hate me.”
“I don’t…look, this is not going how I planned,” he responded and lowered his head to look down at his feet.
I noticed his appearance better as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. He was wearing basketball shorts and a skintight white t-shirt. The wet t-shirt was hugging his body enough to highlight those rippled abs. His hair was damp from standing in the rain, making it darker. He still had it pulled back at the base of his head, but had no bandana on. He looked young standing next to the bed despite his height and chiseled features.
Jess rolled his head back to glance at the ceiling and took a breath like he was about to say something, but stopped. He opened his mouth again and paused like he was thinking about how to say what was on his mind. I couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness but I felt his intense denim stare on me.
“Listen. I know it seems silly, and I guess I’m taking a big risk here, but I really mean I just want to sleep with you. We don’t have to touch or do anything else, it’s just…It’s just that I slept really well last night…and…”
He stopped in his ramble when I moved over and pulled back the sheet for him. It was still warm and I was very aware of my skimpy tank top and shorty-shorts. Jess took off the wet shirt and lay down on his back next to me, but he seemed rigid. He was lying perfectly still as if he was holding his breath. I leaned back and stared at the ceiling as well. My body was hyperaware of Jess’ presence and I felt the heat coming off him everywhere on me. Although he continued to lay there board-straight, I almost felt like I could hear his heartbeat and it matched the sound of mine. It was the revving of speedway cars before a race. After a few more moments of this awkward silence, Jess let out a deep breath and turned onto his side to face me.
“How are you doing, really?” His voice was full of concern.
“I don’t know. I don’t really feel anything today. Just kind of numb.” I hadn’t reflected on my feelings the entire day. “I guess I feel at peace for Nana. The weather helped. I really never left this bed.” I suddenly remembered I never showered today. I was sure if Jess could see me better, my hair would be a rumpled mess and I probably smelled. I was also aware that I was just rambling to fill the silence.
“I think I like this bed,” Jess replied quietly. His tone had that dangerous sound from when he told me I smelled delicious the night we danced. Had that really only been a week ago? I suddenly felt Jess’ fingers trail down my right arm to my wrist and tickle back up to my shoulder. Now I was the one to remain board-still. When his finger reached the top of my shoulder, he pushed back the hair that covered it. I rolled to face him. It was dark, but the rain had stopped and I could make out his features from the soft glow of the moon coming through the window. I could still hear drips of water coming off the trees when the wind blew gently.
Jess put his hand on my cheek and then traced down the side of my neck that was exposed to him. Over my shoulder, down my left arm to my hand, and back up, his hand blazed a trail. He repeated the motion only to stop at my wrist and move his hand over to my hip. Two movements happened at once as he ran his hand to the small of my back and pulled his body closer to mine.
“I thought you said you only wanted to sleep, really sleep, with me,” I heard the throatiness of my whisper. My heart rate was increasing, and that feeling coming up the middle of me threatened to lose control. I rubbed my legs together, hoping it would go away, and the movement only made it worse.
Jess palmed his hand against my back, flexing it a moment before he continued to rub back over my hip, down the side of my thigh to gently lift my leg from behind my knee and cross it over his upper thigh.
“I do only want to sleep with you, but a slight change in plans also includes a need to kiss you.”
“A need?”
“A want.”
“A want?”
“I want to kiss you. Is that okay?”
“Yes, please.” I should have been embarrassed by how breathy my answer was, but Jess moved in slowly, brushing his lips against mine briefly.
“Always so polite,” he whispered, and just when I thought that might be all he was going to give me, he was on me, around me, and over me. His hand was in my tangled hair, his chest moved onto mine, and his lips devoured me. He kissed me hard, and then softened it to suck my bottom lip before returning to place his full mouth on mine. He tentatively licked my lips and I responded by opening my own to suck the tip of his tongue. The invitation allowed him to move his tongue into my mouth and we collided in a rhythm. It was like the dance in his shop; slow, guided, and intimate. He pulled back again only slightly, never breaking the kiss, but lining up our bodies so his middle pressed against the ache between my legs. I still had one leg wrapped around him and his hand gently massaged my hip, then traveled down the back of my thigh to my knee, and back up again. Each time he returned his fingers to the edge of my shorts, he moved them up a little bit, and eventually I groaned into his mouth. Jess responded positively to the sound and briefly tugged me by my hip into his hard middle. I moaned again with pleasure. His hand released my hip and slid to my back, gently sweeping against my bottom before he glided his hand up to the base of my neck. He never broke the kiss.
In turn, I responded to Jess by pressing into him. This time he moaned and I opened my mouth to have a turn savoring his lips as well. I tugged on his bottom lip with my own and pulled back as if I was going to break the kiss, but Jess wouldn’t let me. He held my neck, hand still in my hair, and gently pulled me to follow him as he rolled onto his side. Sensitively aware of my thin cami and my breasts brushing up against his bare chest, my nipples were hard and aching to be bare. I lightly brushed the waistband of his shorts before sliding my hand up his solid abs. The touch of his bare skin made that fluttering feeling climb up the middle of me to settle in a battle within my lower stomach. I pressed against Jess again. He was more than hard against me. I still had a leg draped over his hip and I dragged it slowly higher on his body to feel the fullness of him. It was in this position that Jess softened the kiss on my lips and slowly pulled back from my mouth, only to trail kisses down my jaw, up behind my ear, and over my neck to my shoulder.
“If we don’t slow down, I won’t be able to stop,” he groaned softly.
“What if…” Jess stopped my words with another fierce kiss.
“No ifs.” Between kisses, he said, “I...just…want...to...kiss...you.”
I didn’t object and the kissing continued until Jess gently removed my leg from over his hip. He traced up the side of my hip with one shaky finger to the side of my breast, but he didn’t touch me where I needed to be touched. I moved my hand up to his shoulder to cup the back of his neck and pulled at the base of it as if giving my permission for him to touch me. He stopped. His hand was flat on the side of my breast, but more under my arm, and he paused. He sucked back on my lower lip one more time and gently said, “Enough.”
I hadn’t made-out with someone in years and the ache between my legs had me wired as he broke off the kiss. I was breathing heavily and I didn’t know how to control it as Jess stared into my eyes. Even though it was dark, I knew those eyes were a deep denim blue color, and I didn’t know what he was trying to say to me with them. What I did know was that kiss was better than the sex I’d had in the last few years.
He gently kissed my forehead and kept his lips there as both our heart rates lowered. His hands still gently held my face, and as we calmed into a steady rhythm of breathing, we fell asleep in this position.
Stay cool and refreshed throughout summer with picnics, lemonade, and days at
the beach, but remember sunscreen, cover-ups, and umbrellas. We all need a break sometimes because work always awaits us.
“Matters of Manner,” 1979
I WENT TO the beach the next morning. I just needed to get out of the house. The memories of Nana surrounded me. The memories of her fall haunted me. The memories of Jess’ kiss confused me. I didn’t know what came over Jess last night, but I had several questions for what came over me. Was it his closeness? How he felt under my hands? How he tasted against my mouth? I should have been embarrassed to remember the details, as if the whole town could see on my swollen red lips what I had done during the late night.
I should have been more embarrassed, though, that I stole out of my own home. Wasn’t it the man who leaves like a thief in the night? In this case it was I who crept from the bed for an early morning run, hoping he would be gone before I returned. I didn’t know how he left Katie for the night, although I assumed he had some arrangement with his mother since they lived with her. I didn’t even want to think about whether Jess did this often or with whom. Without even thinking directly about him, I could feel him pressed against me, his hands still on my side, my hip, my neck.
I sat in a low sand chair I found in Nana’s dilapidated garage and shook my head. What an idiot, I thought to myself. I need to stop thinking, period. I struggled to listen to the gentle roll of the waves. Closing my eyes, I took several slow breaths of the fresh air and let the cool breeze relax me under the warmth of the sun. Even though I could hear children laughing and occasionally hear people pass by me, I drifted into that type of hazy relaxation where you know you are not exactly asleep, but you aren’t really awake either. It was sort of a heavy dream state and my mind wandered over images of Nana from my childhood.
