by L. B. Dunbar
When I arrived at the party, the first person I saw was Tom and his very pregnant wife, Karyn. They had two older girls and Tom was convinced that this one was his boy. I was reintroduced to Mary Carter, the boys’ mother, and Pam, Jess’ sister who was the EMT on-call the night of Nana’s accident. Pam Carter could have been Jess’ twin and I eventually learned they were officially Irish twins at eleven months apart. The big difference in their looks was the height. Pam was almost a foot shorter than her brother, but their hair and eye color were exactly the same. She had a pleasant face where Jess’ was chiseled, and when she smiled, her face lit up. Finally, I was introduced to Tricia, Jess’ younger sister, the teacher.
“Such a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you,” she said, shaking my hand with both of hers.
“Thank you. The pleasure is all mine.”
Tricia was the sister that George Carpenter spoke of, the one who had taken a year to live with Jess before she went to college so he could finish his master’s degree. I knew this made Katie and Tricia share a special bond. At twenty-three like me, she looked more like Tom but with long, dark brown hair. She was tall, with long muscular legs like a volleyball player. Her mossy-brown eyes set her apart from her siblings with their blue eyes, which she must have inherited from her father because their mother had blue eyes as well.
Tricia motioned for me to sit down while Tom handed me a beer. I set the beer on the ground next to the old fashion lawn chair.
“I am so excited for Katie. Your idea has worked wonders for her.”
“Oh, well thank you. I’m excited for her, too.”
Almost as if on cue, Katie entered the yard between the hands of her two older cousins.
“Introducing Princess Katie!” Katie wore a plastic silver tiara on her head and shied into the side of the young blond I had seen before in the radio shop. When Katie saw me, she ran for me.
“Hello, Princess Katie,” I said with a royal English sound to my voice.
Katie just smiled.
“Hey, you made it,” a voice spoke behind me. I turned in my seat to see Jess walk out from behind the garage with logs for a fire pit. His arm muscles bulged under the weight and he was dressed in a black t-shirt with dark jeans that gave him an over-all bad-boy look with his pulled back hair.
“Just in time for s’mores.”
“S’mores? I haven’t had those since I was a Girl Scout.”
Jess laughed. “You were a Girl Scout? What did they teach then, nail painting and hair styles?”
“Oh you, don’t be a beast,” Mary reprimanded her son. “Quit picking on the girl and help me with the graham crackers and marshmallows inside on that platter.”
All around me was a buzz of conversation and commotion. Other friends were present with their kids who were gathering around the fire pit. I sat back to enjoy the chaos when it clicked with me that Mrs. Carter had called her son a beast.
“That’s where she got it,” I said out loud to no one in particular. The reference of Katie’s father as a beast came from her grandmother.
“Pardon me?” Tricia turned to me.
“I wonder where they got it? The fire pit?” To cover my outburst, I pointed at the metal circular frame piled with firewood and slowly starting to ignite.
“The hardware store,” Tricia answered honestly. “So tell me about Chicago.” She started prying answers out of me about places to eat, things to see, where to go, where not to go.
“I finally convinced my boyfriend, Trent, to take me the weekend before school starts. It doesn’t sound like we will get everything in though, and I want to see it all.”
I recognized that dreamy look. Tricia’s face was pure awe and excitement filled with the wonder of a large unfamiliar city. I still felt that way sometimes when I drove into town from the south and saw the skyline in the background. The buildings were beautiful and looked almost unreal against a pure-blue sky in blacks, whites, reds, and browns reflecting sunlight that enhanced their hues.
“What are you two taking about?” Jess asked as he walked past us toward the garage again.
“Chicago,” Tricia said excitedly. I held my breath with the danger of the word so close to Katie, but she didn’t seem to notice. Jess, on the other hand, did.
“What about it?” He paused in his steps.
“Tricia was telling me how she’s going and I was giving her pointers on where to visit and what to do.”
“Oh,” he said unconvincingly.
Tricia waited until Jess walked away before she spoke to me again.
“Thank God you finally got here. He’s been a beast like my mother said. So grumpy and crabby.” Tricia shook her head side to side in pity. “It’s the first time he’s smiled all night.”
I didn’t respond, but a smile crept up my lips, and I had to bite them to keep them still. Jess walked by with another load of logs.
“Move,” Jess said to his sister teasingly when he finally dumped the load and walked back over toward me.
“So pushy,” Tricia said as she stood up and shoved her brother’s chest. Jess looked at me over Tricia’s shoulders and we both smiled at the private joke. She walked over to a man wearing army-colored pants and a t-shirt with something about fishing written on it. He had some kind of cap on his head. He was stepping down the back stairs as she slipped her arms around him. Trent, I assumed. He didn’t look like someone a lively person like Tricia would date, but then again, I was learning not to make a judgment based on appearance. I couldn’t help but watch as they kissed in front of everyone else. It seemed so intimate and I knew I should look away, but couldn’t.
“How was Detroit?” Jess broke into my thoughts of the young couple.
“Okay. Everything’s official now,” I said sadly.
“I didn’t think you’d show up.”
“I told you I would.”
“Well, I saw Joe Carpenter while I was at your house pulling the bushes and he told me George said you were spending the night with him.” Jess reached over the metal arm of his chair and took my beer from the ground. He took a long, slow drink.
“Really? Spend the night with George?” I said playfully.
“Yep,” Jess took another drink.
“Jealous?”
“Not anymore.”
I laughed. “No need.” I looked down at my flip-flops. I had gone for messy casual tonight, and yet I felt sexy in my fitted tank dress and cardigan sweater. I had pulled my hair into a loose twist at the base of my head while talking to Tricia, so this completed my relaxed look.
Jess and I watched the kids as they began lighting marshmallows on fire over the pit. Marshmallows can really start a blaze, I thought to myself.
“Want one?” Jess motioned to the blazing marshmallow with the beer in his hand.
“No, thank you. Not into flaming marshmallows much.”
“What are you into?”
I whipped my head around and pieces of hair fell to the side of my face. I stared at him, aghast.
“Not like that. You have a dirty mind under that polished façade,” Jess laughed.
“Seriously,” he added. “What do you like? Food, drink, hobby?”
“Is this like the game twenty questions?”
“Maybe,” Jess paused to think about it. “Favorite food.”
“Pizza.” I decided to play along, and Jess and I went back and forth with favorite foods and drinks, hobbies and school subjects, but eventually the questions became more revealing in nature. Last embarrassing moment. First kiss. Last date. First love. This, of course, was directed at me only.
“I haven’t had one yet. Not truly,” I answered. “I don’t know what it would be like, but I know what it shouldn’t be.”
“What do you think it should be like?”
“A fairy tale.” I blurted this out without thinking. Although it was the first thing to come to my mind, I also knew how stupid and childish it sounded. I was thankful for the darkness as I blushed for the seco
nd time around Jess, and I tried to recover what I said.
“I know it’s cheesy, but true. I want the romance and the flowers and dancing and everything.” I laughed at myself. “I know it’s all just make believe, right? But it sounds good anyway.” I bit my lip, cursing myself and knowing that I had revealed too much about my silly fantasy by the way Jess was watching me.
The questions stopped and I felt awkward in the dark silence. Jess and I were having fun getting to know each other. It was harmless and playful, but I had ruined the moment.
“I’ve been to Chicago, you know,” Jess rushed out softly.
“Really? You never mentioned it.”
“When Debbie left, I was angry. I had no idea where she was. When the divorce papers came, I had an address, so I went there. I think at first I was going to demand she come back. Or maybe beg. Whichever mood stuck me when I saw her. I didn’t tell anyone. Katie was with my mother and I said I had a job in Traverse City that would take all day and into the night. I didn’t demand or beg, though. When I found Debbie, I saw her for the first time. I mean, really saw her as she was: a social climber. A wannabe. Like the saying goes, she was a tiny fish in a big pond in that city, not the princess of attention like she was here. I don’t know if she ever got what she wanted, but I realized, meeting her there, that I had everything I wanted. I had my family, my friends, and I had Katie.”
Jess and I were both staring in the direction of Katie as she glittered in the light of the smoldering fire. Her silver tiara was reflecting the flames of the fire and a plastic jewel glowed bright blue in the center to match her eyes.
“You are very lucky.”
“Yes, I am.”
THE KIDS WERE fading and several families had gone home earlier, but Katie was spending the night with her cousins. Remaining adults were still going strong, but the tone of the party had settled into a quiet lull of sharing stories about who did what and when over the years. It was a typical recall of high school shenanigans and summer-time escapades, some of which Mrs. Carter was hearing about for the first time from her sons. The mood was full of laughter and comfort among these people who had known each other and cared about each other for their entire lives. I would have felt sorry for myself if I had time to think about it in relation to my own life. I had no one really. My only family was Rosie now, and she was so far away. Although I had some friends in Chicago, I realized being here, they were not people I could share all the details of my life with and they would not understand the complexity of Nana, Jess, and Katie.
I must have been thinking more than I thought because Jess broke into my wandering mind.
“You okay? You look far away.” He had moved his chair closer to mine hours ago.
I plastered a brief fake smile on my face and replied that I was fine as I slowly melted back into the histories being recounted and the laughter being shared.
Sometime after midnight, Jess walked me to my car. When we got to my Jetta, we were surrounded by total darkness. Nothing’s blacker than a street with no street lights. I stunk a little from the lingering effects of sitting near a camp fire and enough bug spray to ward off an army of insects, but when Jess leaned toward me he told me I smelled delicious.
“Liar,” I giggled.
“I don’t know. You might have missed a spot, here.” He kissed me behind my ear.
“And here.” He kissed me on the shoulder he exposed after he slid my sweater to one side.
“And here.” He kissed me on my wanting lips.
It was gentle like the first time, but it immediately grew more intense due to my insistence. I would like to think I could control myself, let him take the lead, but the moment his warm lips touched mine, I sprang at him. My hands were around his neck and my body was plastered against his. The force of my small jump pushed Jess back against the car and he spread his legs apart to balance himself. This allowed me to position myself so that my center met his and I knew he was turned on by me. I tilted my hips forward, applying sweet pressure between my legs. He continued to kiss me like I was a lifeline for survival, and one hand traveled to release my hair from the messy bun while the other skimmed down my side to rest on my hip and pull me further into the pleasure down low. Despite the chirping of crickets, I groaned and it sounded loud to my ears.
“Jess! Whatcha doing?” a female voice slurred to the side of us, and I jumped back, the force of which pulled Jess forward this time. He still had his hand on my hip and squeezed me to stop the momentum, but we were no longer touching in any other way.
“Sammie?” Jess’ voice was too high.
The woman saddled up to the two of us and practically pushed me out of the way as she wedged her body between us. I stepped back, a little off balance from the rude interruption between our bodies. Jess had to break contact from the force of Sammie, the girl I now recognized as the dark haired woman from the bar the first night in town. Her jet-black hair was shining despite the dark night, and she was dressed in a skintight black tank dress that cut just below her bottom and exposed the top of her breasts. The night air was cool, but not cold enough for the leather jacket she wore. Her heels made her almost as tall as Jess.
“Where you been, Jess? I came up to visit for Harbor Days and you didn’t invite me to Tom’s party? I had to crash it myself?” Her voice was saucy and attempting to be seductive while pouty on top of her intoxication. Jess had his hands gripping Sammie’s upper arms and when she leaned in to try to kiss him he moved his head back, forcing it out of reach.
I felt sick. The wind knocked out of me, heart in my toes with vomit rising up my throat, sick. This was a reminder to me why I shouldn’t stay, why I shouldn’t be involved, why I should not think about Jess Carter as anything more than a friend. I took another step back before I spoke.
“Excuse me? Um…I need to get into my car.”
Sammie leaned into Jess’ chest. The same chest I had just pressed up against. She turned her head to look over her shoulder in my direction, no doubt having trouble focusing.
“Always so polite,” she sneered in the darkness.
My throat sucked in a breath as the same words Jess had used before he kissed me the other night were thrown in my face by another woman. If I hadn’t felt so ill, the reality of this situation might make me cry, which was exactly why I wanted to get away fast, before tears threatened to fall.
“Sammie,” Jess whispered in warning.
I didn’t look at him. Keeping my head turned to the side, I waited as Jess gently tried to remove the dark haired girl off him, but he still gripped her upper arms. They moved as one unit while I reached around Jess for the door handle. Still touching Sammie with one hand, Jess reached for my wrist as my hand connected with the door.
“Emily,” he said almost as softly as he’d said the other woman’s name. “This isn’t what it seems.” And as soon as he said the words, I remembered that it’s always what it seems.
A brief note or pleasant card can let others know you are thinking of them.
“Matters of Manners,” 1963
I HAD DRIVEN home in a daze, focusing on deep breathing to keep the bile down. I struggled to get enough air in my lungs and I gulped like I was drowning. I had been thinking about Jess kissing me for days, and finally got another chance at those lips only to have the moment ruined by another woman. I still felt his lips on mine, and I couldn’t get the possibility of him turning around and kissing Sammie after me out of my head.
I entered the house and double-checked that the doors were locked. Stupidly, I had left the backdoor unlocked two nights in a row, hoping for Jess’ return for sleep. But tonight I was painfully aware that there would be no sleeping partner. I glanced at my dazed look in the mirror over the dresser and laughed out loud at my cascading hair, simple tank dress, and cardigan sweater. I would have been dressed in something sexier to go clubbing in Chicago, but nothing like Sammie. My outfit made me look simple instead of the sexy casual I had felt earlier, and I thought about how rid
iculous I appeared compared to a woman dressed like the dark-haired beauty. Jess would want someone dangerous coupled with his black t-shirt and sandy-haired ponytail, not someone dressed like a country-clubber.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt about my ex, David. My last boyfriend was a cheater, loving women, other women, more than me. After three years with the same man all I had was a broken heart and a feeling of being used. We were never going to marry and I always knew it, but I was still disappointed that the relationship ended because of cheating and not just a parting of the ways. I wasn’t a fool when it came to David’s infidelity, but I felt like a fool now. I was out of my league in this small town, knowing that the pool of young and available females was slim, and I was only a passing stop for Jess Carter in a line of women who traveled through here.
I woke with a start as I had sensed movement in my room, but realized that would be impossible, unless someone had been breaking and entering. It was well after midnight when I had left the party, and after 2:00 a.m. when I finally fell asleep. I imagined I heard a soft thunder of pebbles hit my window and several thoughts entered my mind at once: Does he think we’re in high school? Well, at least he got the right window this time. Why did this happen? It was the last question that made me choke back a sob. I didn’t want to cry anymore over Nana or my confusing emotions about Jess. I reclosed my eyes and drifted back to sleep after a second set of pebbles tumbled against the window to remain unanswered.
So it was with an eerie feeling that I rolled away from the window and found a folded piece of paper with a daisy placed on top of it on the second pillow of my bed when I woke.
Emily,
You mentioned fairy tales, and I can’t think of any that include a letter, but since you won’t talk to me, I have to write to you and say what’s on my mind. First, Sammie means nothing to me – in the way that it appeared. I know that sounds cliché, and to say we are friends will sound even more cliché. She’s a summer girl. Even though we are now adults, Sammie still comes here to visit and we have spent time together in the past.
