by Mara White
I sob into my pillow for what feels like hours. My mama finally opens the door and lets in a crack of light. She tiptoes to my bed and pulls my head into her lap. She strokes my damp hair back from my face and hands me a tissue out of the pocket of her sweater.
“How long, mi hija? How long have you had these feelings for Lucky?”
“I don’t know, Mami. My whole miserable life,” I say, my sobs renewed with having to voice it out loud. Now even my mom knows what a freak I am. They thought I didn’t have any flaws, so I guess I showed them all a thing or two tonight.
“Did he do something to you? Did he touch you, Belén?
“No, Mom! It’s not like that! How could you say that? I’m the sick one. It was me who pursued him.” I can’t talk anymore as the sobs take me over physically and I’m pulled under by grief.
“I know, baby. I know. I really do understand.”
I fall asleep in her arms; she rubs my back as I sob. My dreams finally take me to a place far away from the hurt.
Lucky
Belén finally told me. She screamed it right in my face. Loud enough for all my friends to hear, not to mention our family. Thank God I’m done with high school. She’s still got a year left and she’ll never live it down. It was quite the performance. At least only a few of her classmates were there; most of my friends graduated this year, if not a couple years ago.
I can’t help but smile when I think of it and I pull on my bottom lip guiltily. I don’t want her to hurt, but at the same time nothing has ever made me feel so happy. To have Belén scream in my face that she loves me in front of a whole crowd of people. I almost laugh out loud. A fucking brave–ass proclamation of love from the girl I’m in love with. I’m high as a motherfucker just offa what she said. This is better than drugs, way better. My whole heart is singing. I do a little bachata pass with my hand over my heart. My cheeks hurt from grinning, but deep down I’m still a little sick with the reality of the situation.
My mom said nothing to me when she finally came upstairs. I know her and Tía Betty cleaned up and they probably gossiped each other’s ears off and cried about where they’d gone wrong. But maybe that’s the fucking problem. Maybe we’re not wrong. Maybe Belén and I are too right.
I grab my smokes off the table and stick them and my keys into my pocket.
“Where you going, Luciano? Haven’t you done enough damage for one night?”
“Try and stop me, Ma. I don’t mean to be disrespectful. But I got my degree like I promised—now lay the fuck off.” I throw my jacket over my shoulder and walk to the door.
“She won’t let you in if you go down there,” Ma says from the couch.
“That’s Belén’s choice. It ain’t up to you or Betty,” I shout over my shoulder.
“You’ve done enough to the poor girl, Luciano. She tries so hard. Don’t break her heart.” She’s followed me to the door in her house slippers. She won’t let this go.
“Did it ever for a second occur to you that I love her too? That I’m fucking hurting, Ma, just like she is?”
She reaches into the pocket of my shirt and steals a cigarette. It’s always an indication that she’s drunk. She taps it filter down against the drywall. “You’re in love with her too, Luciano?”
I nod my head. “Did you know, Ma, that there’s nothing that sucks worse than finding the one, and being related to her? Knowing it’s right and that you’re good for each other, but tearing yourself away because you can’t fucking make love to her—because why, Mom? Because you might slip up and accidentally create a monster? Sound familiar? Sound like another story you know?”
She’s crying now and I didn’t mean to make her cry. I pull her into a hug and she bawls into my chest.
“I’m sorry, Ma. Sorry I said it. Just needed to be said.”
She stands up straight and aggressively pushes the tears from her eyes.
“I know it’s late. I’m gonna go down there and wrap my arms around the girl who means the world to me. I ship out of here in two weeks and then I’m at training for twelve. Who knows after that? I could go anywhere in the world. I don’t know what I’ll do, I don’t know if I’ll come back. And I’ll be damned if I don’t let Belén know to her face that I feel the same way she does. She’s torn up inside and it’s all my fucking fault. I won’t touch her. I won’t take her virginity, Ma. I promise I’m not a bad guy. Especially when it comes to her. But I can’t do this. I won’t let her hurt inside anymore.”
She crosses her arms and pulls her robe tighter. She nods her head in understanding and sniffs into her arm, then takes two steps back.
I softly pull the door closed.
She loves me. Belén loves me.
Chapter 13
Belén
In the middle of the night I hear a soft knocking. Mami usually gets the door but she had so much to drink, I guess she’s really knocked out. I pull some sweats over my undies and pile my hair on my head.
I open the door and everything I had planned to say to Lucky flies out the window. I don’t have a plan. I don’t have anything but pure joy in my heart when I look upon his smiling face, jump into his arms and wrap my legs around his waist. He kisses me openly and hard and fast, pressing me up against the wall in the hallway.
“Bedroom,” I say into his mouth. He hikes me up, his hands coming to support my weight under my thighs. He leaves the light off and uses his back to close the door behind us.
I’ll never let go of him. I’ll tell him how much I love him every moment of every day. Lucky is the light of my life; he’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever been given.
I feel freed by my declaration and absolutely weightless with the burden of our family’s judgment lifted, at least for tonight.
He lays me down on the bed and I pull him on top of me. We can’t stop kissing like fiends even though both of our mouths hurt.
“I want you so badly, Lucky. I feel like I’m on fire. You’re all I think about. I want you inside of me.” My hand goes to his fly and I tug down his zipper.
“Whoa, wait up, Belén. Hold up, baby girl. I didn’t say nothing about that happening,” Lucky says, pulling back for the first time. He runs his hand across his head and his brow knits in concern.
“No, please. I want you to. I can’t wait any longer!” My hand finds the button on his jeans and I pull them apart.
“Belén, I love you back. Sometimes I love you so bad I get sick from it. But we can’t do that. We can love each other without that part. We have to. It wouldn’t be right,” he says, still kissing me, using his voice to try and coax me, make me see his point.
I shove him off of me as hard as I can. I slug at his face and my knuckles scrape hard across his brow as I land my unseasoned fist. He grabs my wrist and flips me over with lightning speed so that I’m pinned underneath him.
“I can make you come, baby. But I can’t ever fuck you,” he says, pulling my arm clear underneath me. Then he does the same with the other one and I feel panicky with helplessness.
“You do every girl on the playground. Every slut at school. You even did one of the teachers and I know because I listen! But you won’t make love to me? I want to give my virginity to you, Luciano. I’ve been waiting all these years for you!”
He lets me go and his arms come around me. Lucky takes my lips and suffocates my pleas with his kiss. He fucks my mouth with his tongue so deliciously that I’m unconsciously rubbing my pussy onto his hard thigh without any bit of shame. He presses his thigh back expertly, in perfect time with the roll of my hips. I breathe in and whimper out, the entire time, our mouths entwined, never separating, never coming up for air.
Maybe I’ll get him so turned on that he can’t help but pull out his dick. Then there will be no way for him to turn away from my body. I’m so desperately in love with him that
his pleasure is my pleasure. I want to see him come just as much as I want to experience it.
“Kick off your pants, Lenny,” he says. The smooth command in his voice, he’s the cool one in charge, always a little more experienced than me. Always running just a little bit ahead of me. That is my Luciano. Our trust is huge. Our bond so deep that I respond automatically to his voice. He’s taught me everything in life. I have to trust his judgment on this as well.
He pulls my arms above my head and wraps my hands around the rungs on the headboard.
“Feel those, Lenny?”
I nod, my eyes open wide and staring expectantly into his.
“Hold on to those and don’t take your hands down for anything. If you do, I’ll have to tie them up there and that won’t make either one of us happy. Understand?”
I nod my head again and wrap my hands fully around the cold posts.
He pushes my tank top above my breasts and slides it up my arms until it sits at my wrists. I can see my chest heaving, my breasts hanging full and heavy as my nipples respond to the cool air. He slides down the length of my body and pulls my underwear down and my sweats off from where they were sitting at my ankles.
“Open your legs, Belén,” he says, still using the cool voice. I do as I’m told and I shiver in anticipation. I wish he were getting naked.
“Jesus Christ, baby girl. You kill me with your clothes on. But you fucking destroy me when you’re like this. You are perfect.”
He takes a taut nipple in his mouth and tongues it ruthlessly. I arch up and open my mouth; my legs spread wider instinctively. His hand sweeps down the length of my body and he tugs up on my thigh. I bend my knees as his hand slips whisper-soft through my sex. He uses his whole hand to lubricate me, then runs his fingers through my silken lips. He slips down between my legs and licks me right up my butt crack. I gasp in surprise and bite into my bottom lip. Then he gently sucks my lips right into his mouth, his tongue making featherweight circles on every centimeter, sucking, tasting and gliding but always avoiding my clit.
“Baby, I’m not gonna use my fingers in your pussy because I don’t want to break you,” he says softly. “I’m gonna stick them in your ass instead and at first it’s gonna feel kind of funny.”
I lift my head off of the pillow and stare down at his face.
“Have you lost your mind, Lucky?’
“Baby, just trust me. And don’t move your fucking hands or I’ll tie you down and do whatever the fuck I like.” He grabs a foot and tickles it when he says it and I squirm in delight. But then his tongue is there, licking me again. He hits my clit gently, rounding his tongue and caressing, dragging tortured groans from somewhere deep inside me. He sits up, pulls my whole pelvis so that it’s angled up over his knee. He brings his mouth to my sex again but this time enters me with his tongue. My head rolls back in ecstasy. The pump of his tongue against my swollen inner walls is almost too much for me. My cries increase in volume and I’m on the verge of a full scream. He drags his fingers through the lubrication we’ve created together, then he presses gently at my backside, slowly working his way into me.
“Press back into my hand, baby. I promise it won’t hurt.”
I trust Lucky with my body. I’d trust him with my life. I rear back and feel his two slick fingers slide into me. At first it just feels like pressure, but then he starts tongue-fucking me again. After a few strokes he drags his tongue out and up to my clit again, circling, repeating, thrumming his fingers ever so slightly in my ass. It’s too much, I’m spilling over. I can’t contain all of this sensation and my body jerks and trembles as I fall over the precipice. Lucky moves his hand to my mouth and places two fingers across my lips. I open my mouth and bite down. I don’t know how he knew I’d be a screamer. I holler at the ceiling as I almost black out from so much pleasure.
Is it possible to have three orgasms tear through you at once? That come from three separate parts of your anatomy? I’ll have to check my textbook.
I think that’s what happened when Lucky took my virginity so politely with his mouth.
Lucky
Len is perfect. She’s everything that’s good about my life wrapped into one tiny package. Everything I’ve ever wanted, now asleep in my arms. It may never happen again so I try to keep still and enjoy it.
She’s dreaming about me. My name rolls off of her sweet tongue as she grinds her hips into me seeking that connection. I’ve got blue balls so bad I think it’s giving me a headache. My dick is pressing into her hot little thigh and the friction makes me groan out loud without even trying. I just want to say “fuck it” and take her. She’s still wet and I know that I could make her go off even harder than she already did. But I keep myself in check and I exercise control. This isn’t the beginning of a romance between us—this is our closure, after a lifetime of wanting.
She opens her eyes and wraps her arms around my neck. Her little body is hot to the touch and she cuddles into me so hard that I can’t help but smile.
“What time is it?” she whispers.
“Really early in the morning,” I say and kiss the top of her head.
She’s rubbing up against me and there’s no way she misses how hard I am. She’s still naked and she climbs on top to straddle me. She rides my dick through my boxers and I can feel through the fabric just how goddamn wet she is.
“Can we, Lucky? Please,” she asks, and my heart fucking cracks. This isn’t the release I’d hoped for; we’re right back to where we fucking started. Only it’ll be worse now because we’ve both had a taste of what we could be.
“Len, please, please understand. Don’t beg me. It hurts me to say no to you.”
“You don’t want me?’
“Fuck, baby. Don’t ever say that!” I say, flipping her under me. “You’re my whole fucking life, Len. I want this more than anything else in the world.”
Her hand has snuck its way into my boxers. She’s grabbing my shaft. Her tight little grip will make me blow my load in a split second.
“Can I suck you off?”
“No.”
“Can we just rub together without penetration until we both come?”
Her eyes are wide, her mouth turned down. She’s begging me for sex. I fucking hate myself for this punishment. Len and I are nothing but heartache for each other.
“No.” I remove her hand from my shorts.
“Please teach me how, Lucky. I want to learn!”
“No!” I roll up to sitting on the edge of the bed. I grab my head in my hands and try to figure out where the fuck we go from here.
Belén pushes down the sheet and shows me her naked body. She bends her knees and spreads her legs, giving me a view of her perfect, pink, wet gash. She looks fucked up, like she’s high on some drug. But this is what we do to one another. We’re both each other’s poison, but we’re also each other’s only antidote. Belén is out-of-her-mind fucked up on love.
I toss the sheet over her beauty. She curls in on herself. I step into my pants and throw on my shirt without bothering to button it up. Destroy the one girl you want more than anything with rejection. There’s got to be something funny in there somewhere—maybe someday I’ll laugh at the irony. But right now I’d rather kill us both to spare the pain that is breaking us for all that we’re worth.
“I’m sorry. I love you, Lenny. I always have, always will. But this is where it stops, baby. Me and you can’t ever happen and the sooner we realize it, the better.”
“I’ll die without you,” she whispers, her eyes now out of their daze. “There will never be anyone else for me, Lucky. Ever. I don’t want there to be.”
Tears slip down her face and onto the sheet. Belén has never looked so beautiful to me as she does at this moment. She is raw. Pure emotion. Savagely in love with me and willing to sacrifice whatever it takes.
I am the world’s biggest asshole. I turn my body, move to the door, and walk out on my girl.
Chapter 14
Belén
I’m mortified in the morning. I can’t make eye contact with my mom. I think I may never leave my house. She’s unusually quiet, too. We are both so ridiculously relieved when Jeremy calls and I apologize about last night over the phone. I’m so thankful to have a pretend boyfriend that I am exceptionally nice to him.
“Ese gringuito me cae bien,” Mami says when I hang up the phone.
It doesn’t surprise me. Right now she’d like anybody who wasn’t Lucky.
“I’m going to meet him for coffee.”
“Have fun, mi vida. Just try to be happy.”
“It’s not like I’m not trying, Mami. I didn’t want this to happen.”
“I know. Maybe now you two can move on. Lucky will be going to training and you and Jeremy can keep dating and just see what comes of it. You’re so young, Belén. So much time ahead of you.”
I make up with Jeremy over coffee and pastry, apologizing for my behavior. I blame it all on the liquor, but I don’t think he’s totally convinced. I wouldn’t be either. He asks me to the movies next weekend and my first instinct is to decline. Movies make me think of Lucky and our crazy kiss against the wall. But I know I’ve got to work hard to try to make things normal. I say yes instead and leave him with a big hug.
On the way back home I drag my feet and hesitate as I pass Yari’s apartment. I know what I should do. Just because I’m sick with jealousy doesn’t mean I can ignore her feelings.
I buzz her building door and she reluctantly lets me in. I thank God as I trudge up the stairs that Yari left before I let the whole universe know that I’m in love with my cousin.
She leaves the chain link across the door.
