by Mara White
“Shit, Yari? Who don’t know Yari?”
“She still live here?”
“Yeah, she be around, I think. Why, you a friend of hers or something?”
“I was. When we were kids. Thanks.” I blink at the fluorescent light and head up the stairs to Yari’s apartment.
I can hear the television blasting from the hallway and it sounds like the radio is on to compete with it. I knock on the door hard with my knuckles and nobody hears it. I knock again and then give up and whistle and yell, “Yari!”
She opens the door with a baby on her hip. She’s got on short shorts and a baby doll T-shirt with socks on her feet; her hair is up in pins. Maybe she got it done for a Christmas party.
“Hey, Belén, you back for Christmas? Thanks for keeping in touch, bitch. Bet you didn’t know I had a kid, did you?”
“Oh my God! That’s your baby? What’s her name? Congratulations! Who’s her daddy?” I’m floored and confused. I feel happy to see Yari but it’s obvious she’s angry at me.
“Wouldn’t you like to fucking know? What’d you bring me for Christmas? You here to see Lucky?”
My heart falls from the little cavity where it sits all surrounded with organs—straight down to the floor. Right where someone can step on it and grind it in with their foot.
“Lucky’s here? Why is he here? I thought he was coming tomorrow?”
“I dunno. Got here early. Asked if he could spend the night. He, unlike some snobs, keeps the fuck in touch.”
“I’m sorry, Yari. I’ve been really selfish. I’m all wrapped up in my own shit. It was so inconsiderate of me. I should go. Maybe we could get together this week?”
The house phone rings. It’s pretty loud, even over the noise.
“Here, hold the baby,” Yari says, passing me her daughter.
I grab the chubby bundle and press her to my chest. I smell her wisp of baby hair and whisper, “Hello, Yari’s baby,” to her.
I bounce her a little because she starts to fuss. I want Yari to hurry back because I want to get the hell out of here; no offense to the baby, but I’m not prepared. I coo, trying to keep her from crying. When I look up, a shirtless, jean-clad Lucky is standing in front of me.
I cradle the baby, freeze and just stare at him.
He looks the same, but his body is so cut. Every muscle defined, every single line that could be there is delineated clearly. He must work hard in the Marines, harder than on a Washington Heights playground. He looks healthy too, like he eats well and sleeps and maybe doesn’t stuff himself full of drugs anymore. His arms are tattooed. He smells like a man. He’s at Yari’s house. I’m holding a baby, that’s maybe his, and I can do nothing but stare.
“Merry Christmas, Belén. I didn’t think I’d see you until tomorrow.”
“Did you come from overseas?”
“Naw. I’m stationed in North Carolina at the base. I drove up here in a rental.”
“Is this your baby? Are you staying with Yari?” I ask, holding the baby out to him like I’m giving her back.
Lucky bursts out laughing and hunches over, holding his hand to his chest.
“No, Bey, that’s not my baby! That’s Yari’s daughter, Amari. I just came over here because Yari was up and I didn’t feel like going to sleep yet. I didn’t know you were home. But I’ll head out with you. My baby, you are hilarious. I don’t even live here.”
“Well, you don’t have to—I mean, to make babies.” All of the color drains from my face. I might just pass out if somebody doesn’t take this baby from me.
“Let’s go, I’ll grab my shirt.”
I walk into the apartment after Lucky and place baby Amari in her walker. She bee-lines for the kitchen, where Yari is on the phone tapping ashes from a cigarette into a blue glass ashtray.
“Call me tomorrow, assholes, I’m taking Amari to Macy’s to see Santa if you all want to come.” Lucky shrugs his coat on and plants a kiss on Amari’s head.
“We’ll call you, Yari,” he says.
“Unless Belén’s too good for it!” she shouts as we make our way into the hall.
We walk down the stairs in silence. I wasn’t expecting this torture until tomorrow.
“I’ll leave my car here. There’s no way we’d find a spot,” he says, glancing over his shoulder.
There is something I can detect in Lucky that was never there before. Apprehension, nerves? Maybe it’s hard for everyone to come home again.
We walk up the hill in the quiet silence of the snow; my Converse slip a little and Lucky grabs my arm. The feelings that swim through me are so intense and painful that I feel nauseated. But I cling to his arm like I’ve never clung to anything.
“I didn’t know Yari had a baby,” I say in a small voice.
“Yeah, last year. You didn’t really keep in touch with anyone, Bey. Including us.”
“I know. I guess I was kind of escaping.” The snow lands in his short hair and melts into clear drops that reflect the streetlights. I want to run my fingers through his hair. I want to embrace him. I want to tell him how much I’ve missed him and how difficult it is to live without him.
“How about you, Lucky? Did you keep in touch with everybody? Have you been home much to visit?”
“Twice. This trip makes three. Came up here last year for Christmas and once in the summer. Ma’s been down a few times when I get leave. With friends, just through Facebook. It’s not like I call anybody or write them letters. Yari likes to gossip—she keeps me up to date.”
“I haven’t talked to anyone,” I say, unraveling my scarf to get some air.
“What about upstate? You seeing anyone up there, Lenny? You dating?” Lucky asks and he looks confident in his question. Maybe that means he’s dating. He’s got a girlfriend in North Carolina keeping his bed warm.
We reach our building and stand in front in the glow of the streetlight. I shake my head and open and close my mouth to speak but I don’t want to let Lucky in on all of my fucked-up heartache. It’s not really his fault and it’s great if he’s moved on. I don’t want my affliction to be his too, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
“I’m seeing a therapist,” I saying, trying to keep my head up with conviction. “And Jeremy when he came to see me. I have a really cool roommate named Lucy. That’s about it for me.”
“You dating a therapist, or you going to one for help?” Lucky asks, putting his hand on my shoulder.
“I’m not dating anyone,” I say and risk a glance at his eyes. He looks so concerned and so ruggedly handsome. Even more appealing than a few minutes ago. I have that swimmy feeling that I get in my dreams. When Lucky’s hand touching me is the only thing on earth that I need.
“You look like a man,” I whisper to Lucky.
“I am a man, Belén ,” he says.
His eye contact is too much for me. I look down at my feet.
“Are things alright, Bey? You doing okay?” he asks, concern shadowing his brow.
“I’m doing okay, Lucky. I’m taking it day by day.”
“Is this because of me?” he asks his face taking on alarm. “Did I fuck things up, because I swear, I’ll – ”
“You’ll what? It’s me. It’s not you, Lucky. There’s something wrong with me.”
“Belén, there is nothing wrong with you.”
“I’m gonna go inside, Lucky. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I leave him standing outside in the snow. He doesn’t follow me and I don’t ask him where he’s going to go. Maybe he’ll go back to Yari’s. Maybe he’ll look for a party.
All I know is that now it’s obvious—Lucky is okay without me and I am so not okay without him.
Lucky
Belén looks exactly the same. A little more tired maybe, and skinny, like s
he’s lost some weight. I can’t believe she found me at Yari’s. That was the last place I thought she’d go and I wasn’t planning on running into her until tomorrow. But Belén always surprises me with her independence. She’s always been her own person and done her own thing.
I still want to tear her clothes off and lick her all over, bury my face between her legs. I want her to come until she cries my name. I think she’s lonely. I think she’s sad. I want to take all of that away. I thought I could run her out of my system but all it takes is seeing her once for me to get out of control again.
I feel like getting high. Going to pick up a girl. I want to drink myself into oblivion and pass the fuck out. I don’t want to see any pain in her face, especially if I put it there. I thought getting away would help us both, but it looks like I fucked her up forever.
Chapter 17
Belén
We are so drunk. Like so crazy drunk. We’ve been drinking since Macy’s. Yari dropped Amari off at her baby daddy’s house and we started with Nutcrackers from the bodega by Yari’s corner before we even ate Christmas dinner. Next we stopped at Titi’s apartment and had some shots and coquito made with Coco Lopez by Titi’s new burly boyfriend.
Lucky got his presents and we made our way upstairs with Yari trailing behind us yelling into her phone at her current flame about where the hell he was last night. Lucky looks at me and laughs and mouths the word, “Typical.” I let my guard down and laugh too and I swear I can see Lucky’s eyes light up. I don’t miss it when he looks at my lips.
“No, fuck you, you sorry-ass excuse for a man!” Yari screams into the phone, holding it right to her mouth. Lucky and I laugh some more and Yari puts her finger up.
“Y’all can fuck-off too,” she says, and goes back to screaming.
“Fifty bucks on Raymond, Belén. Within fifty minutes,” Lucky says and smiles at me some more.
“For Yari to hit on him? I’ll put fifty on Ramón. Either way, we’ve got to keep her drinking.”
We barely fit in the hall with our winter jackets and boots; I fish through the pockets searching for my key. My coat is flapped up and Lucky puts his hand on me. It’s just a hand on my hip. A simple gesture. But red lights start flashing all over my body and a siren goes off in my head.
“I’ll put fifty on who you’re going to hook up with, Belén,” Lucky says, putting his back to the door and blocking my way.
“Oh yeah, who’s that? There isn’t much of a selection.” I say, finally finding the key. I stick it into the slot that sits between his arm and his waist.
“I don’t know. Who do you want it to be?”
I think I’m blushing bright red, from the heat or the booze or maybe it’s Lucky, who I’m still in love with, standing right here in front of me.
“We’re doing Belén’s house and then we’ll come over!” Yari shouts into her phone.
“Is that Amari’s father?”
“No, bonehead, that’s the new one. He’s got a nice car.”
Mami kisses us all and forces us to eat more food. We open presents under the tree and I even remembered to quickly pick up stuff for Yari and Amari while they were distracted at Macy’s. I got my mom a Vassar T-shirt and she cries when she opens it.
“It’s just a T-shirt, Mom,” I say.
“I know, but I am so proud of you!” she says, crying big tears and hugging me hard.
“We’re all proud of you, Lenny,” Lucky says as he opens presents from his mom. “I got you something—here, catch,” he says, tossing me a small box.
I open it slowly with everyone staring. What could he have gotten me? I’m terrified to open it. I tear away the paper and it looks like a jewelry box. I lift the lid off and inside are four pieces of crimson beach glass nestled on a square of cotton.
“Oh my gosh, Lucky! Where’d you find them?”
“I’m not far from the ocean. Sometimes I take walks on the beach. They wash in with the tide.”
I look up at him and I love the way he’s looking at me, with so much affection in his eyes. “And there are lots of red ones there?”
“Naw, not that many. You have to really search for them.”
“That’s because they don’t make red glass anymore. It had lead in it and they used real gold to get that cranberry color,” I say, excited about the new pieces. Yari rolls her eyes at me but everyone else is smiling.
“Yay, Lucky got Belén garbage for Christmas! Let’s see what he got me.” She tears open a package that has little silver shoes for Amari. She hugs Lucky for too long and kisses him on the cheek. We toast to the presents and our health and to school and the military and to Yari’s new baby.
We clean up the wrapping paper and ribbons. Yari and I help Mami move the table to set up more food. Hemi and her crew are coming and they all like to eat. I put a bottle of Anis del Mono out, right beside the nativity.
The twins show up first and they’re already trashed. Hemi comes in next with Briana who’s dragging Jovani, the youngest. Annalise is stuck carrying all of the presents.
We sing Christmas songs and eat more and drink cocktails until the bottles run dry. Yari is in Raymond’s lap and Lucky catches me on my way out of the bathroom and whispers in my ear that I owe him fifty bucks.
“I think they have to make out for it to count,” I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.
“Those are the rules, huh, Len? They have to kiss?”
“Thank you for the red sea glass. It’s the most thoughtful gift I’ve ever been given.”
“Anything for you, Bey. Anything. Really,” he says, but that’s as far as we get because Tía Hemi is barreling toward the bathroom and she squishes us both into a drunk hug and tells us how much she’s missed us. She asks us to please rub off on the twins because she can’t get them out of the house and they are ruining any prospects she has for a love life.
“Hemi, I think Yari is just who you’re looking for. Look at how taken she is with Raymond,” Lucky says, giving me a grin.
“I thought she was just drunk. Do you really think she likes him?”
“Lucky has money riding on the prospect,” I tell Hemi.
“Nope. Forget it. I’m not supporting another damn kid,” Hemi says and continues on to the bathroom.
Lucky is leaning up against the wall looking all kinds of sexy. He takes a sip of his beer and smiles, gesturing down to my Christmas socks with it.
“I got them for today,” I say, taking his beer. I wiggle my toes and help myself to a sip. I swear it burns my mouth to touch the bottle where I know his lips and tongue hit it.
“Yeah, I figured as much, Bey. Fuck, I’ve really missed you,” he says, running his hand over his head. When his eyes meet mine I feel like someone just pulled me out of a deep, dark hole. I’ll just stand here forever and bask in his sunlight.
“I’ve missed you too, Luciano. Every single day.”
“But you’re doing okay? You’re doing well in school and making friends and all of that good stuff?”
“I do really well in school and my roommate is awesome,” I say. I don’t know where our conversation could possibly go—didn’t we already discuss this? I don’t know how to not be attracted to Lucky. I’m barely just learning how to live my life without him.
“Are you gonna go out with Yari and her boyfriend?”
“If you are, I’m gonna. I came home to see you, Bey. Ma said nobody had really heard from you, she said even Tía Betty was worried. I’m glad you’re okay.”
Lucky gives me a hug. I feel so fragile I think I might disintegrate in his arms. I try to hug him back as normally as possible.
At Yari’s boyfriend Mike’s house we drink even more. I can barely see straight from the alcohol and his whole entire apartment is covered in mini, multi-colored Christmas lights. They each give of
f a little aura of color; they’re taped to the wall and run over the tops of all the windows. Mike and Lucky roll a joint and I give him a look.
“Bey, I’ve been squeaky clean forever. Don’t look at me like that.”
“What if you have to take a drug test right after you get back?”
“I’ve got a month off. I’m just celebrating Christmas, I’ll go straight after this.”
I go to the bathroom with Yari. She pees and reapplies lip gloss at the same time.
“Are you dating anyone at school?”
“Not really,” I say, leaning my back against the door. “My therapist wants me to be open to dating women, so I made out with a really pretty girl named Kat. But that’s it.”
“Wait, you kissed a chick?”
“Yeah,” I say and shrug at her. It doesn’t seem like a big deal. I’m used to Lucy and all she does is make out with girls.
“That’s kind of hot, Bey. Did you tell Lucky?”
“No, I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to him.” I take off my shirt. I’m only wearing a little tank top underneath, but suddenly I feel hot.
We go back into the living room and sit on the floor. Lucky looks stoned and Mike looks like he’s passed out. Yari sits behind me and pulls me in close to her, wrapping her arms around my midriff. Lucky perks up. Yari starts feeling my breast through my tank top; she circles my nipple with her finger until it puckers through the cloth. I yawn and then giggle a little.
“Yari, what the fuck are you doing?” Lucky demands.
“Calm down, Lucky, Belén is into girls now. She told me in the bathroom.” Yari leans around and pulls my mouth to hers. She feeds me so much tongue it feels like we’re acting in a porno.
“Is that true, Lenny?” Lucky asks. I look up to see him towering over us. I can see his erection through his pants and his fascination in the way he’s looking at us.
“Not all girls,” I say and a hiccup escapes. “Just pretty ones like Kat.”
