‘It’s a bit unusual,’ Joe said, gesturing around his factory. ‘But it keeps us much cooler in here than we can ever hope to be out there.’
‘Dark as a dungeon when we turn off the lights though,’ Rose added.
The Australian elves may have been the nicest elves I had ever met. A group of them came over when we entered and offered us food and drinks. I wasn’t even surprised that they had heard about Dad. It was possibly the world’s worst kept secret. All of them treated me with extra kindness to make up for my missing father.
When we had a chance to refresh ourselves, I took a closer look at the factory for signs of hidden panic. To my relief, the factory was filled with bustling elves who were happily involved in their jobs.
‘I’m so glad all of you seem so cheerful even though Dad’s not around,’ I said to Joe. ‘The elves at the previous factory had gone a bit mad.’
‘Oh, it didn’t bother us,’ Joe replied.‘In fact, Santa going missing helped us regroup, focus and work even harder to achieve our goal.’
‘What’s your goal?’ I asked companionably. ‘To keep all the Australian kids happy?’
‘Oh, no.’ Joe shook his head. ‘Our goal is to take over the world, of course. You’re the first visitors to our recently-repurposed secret underground headquarters of doom.’
22
What evil overlords are not supposed to be:
1. Friendly
2. Polite
3. Apologetic
4. Good hosts
5. Dressed like tourists
6. Santa’s elves
‘Your underground headquarters of doom?’ I repeated. ‘Please tell me you’re joking.’
‘I wish I could joke,’ Rose said wistfully. ‘Whenever I say something funny, I’m the only one who laughs.’
‘How can this be your secret lair?’ I asked. ‘This is supposed to be Dad’s toy factory!’
‘Oh, it was,’ Joe agreed. ‘But when he went missing, we realized that an opportunity was staring at us in the face.’
‘An opportunity to take over the world?’ Gilmore asked in disbelief. ‘That’s your goal?’
Both Joe and Rose nodded cheerfully. ‘It was obvious what we had to do,’ Rose said. ‘World domination. Once we understood that, we just stopped making toys and concentrated on accomplishing our master plan.’
‘Master plan?’ I spluttered.‘You actually have a master plan?’
‘Of course,’ Joe replied. ‘How else would we gain a planet to rule over?’
‘Is it only elves you want to rule over?’ Bean asked. ‘Or do humans come into the picture too?’
‘So you’re okay with the part about them wanting to take over the world?’ I asked Bean incredulously. ‘You just want to clarify the finer details?’ She shrugged.
‘Humans too,’ Rose answered Bean. ‘They were the ones who inspired our plan in the first place.’
‘And what exactly is your plan?’ Gilmore asked.
‘Do you know that the earth’s ozone layer is particularly thin over Australia?’ Rose asked.
I nodded absent-mindedly. I had heard Dad rant about it hundreds of times. He had been worried about the elves.
‘Well, we’ve seen its effects ourselves,’ Rose said. ‘So we’ve decided to replicate them. We’re building a CFC gun.’
‘A CFC gun?’ Bean sounded puzzled.
‘Chlorofluorocarbon,’ I replied automatically. ‘It’s an organic compound that reduces the ozone layer. Humans use it in all sorts of products. Its use is being phased out. Or at least that’s what Dad told us.’
‘Exactly!’ Joe seemed delighted that I was understanding their plan.‘But humans only chip away at the ozone layer, one part at a time. Our gun will be much more powerful than that. It can thin out the ozone layer over the entire planet in one quick shot.’
‘But what will that do?’ Gilmore sounded as confused as Bean.
‘Wait, you want to give everyone cancer?’ I asked. ‘That’s your master plan?’
‘Skin cancer is a long-term ill-effect which won’t help us at all.’ Rose shook her head. ‘Our plan is much more effective. Ozone-layer depletion also suppresses the immune system.’
‘At the level we’ll be using, the gun will thin the ozone layer enough to leave the humans’ immune systems completely defenceless,’ Joe explained.
‘And?’
‘And that’s when the second part of our plan comes in,’ Joe said happily. ‘Because that’s when we release the biological weapon.’
‘WHAT?’ I thundered.
At first, I had had a hard time taking these polite little elves seriously when they spoke about world domination. But now this was sounding more and more like a serious terrorist plot.
‘What’s a biological weapon?’ Bean asked.
‘The villains used one in a book I read,’ I replied. ‘Basically they’re viruses and bacteria that are released in the air. They’re used to spread diseases among people. Fatal diseases, mostly.’
‘Oh,’ Bean said flatly.
‘Don’t be silly, our biological weapon won’t kill anyone,’ Joe laughed. ‘Who would we rule over if everyone’s dead?’
‘So what kind of virus is it?’ I asked, my tone dripping with dread.
‘The most formidable of them all,’ Joe said sounding important. ‘Something that has been the bane of civilization for generations. The common cold!’
‘Wait, what?’ I thought I misheard him. ‘You want to threaten everyone by making them sneeze?’
‘The cold is the most underrated disease in the world!’ Rose insisted. ‘Everyone just thinks it’s a sneeze and a soup and you’re all better, until they get a cold themselves!’
‘It makes your head feel like someone’s taken a hammer to it,’ Joe said.
‘Your nose feels like it’s stuffed with cotton,’ Rose put in. ‘It’s impossible to breathe normally.’
‘Your ears are blocked.’
‘Your throat hurts.’
‘And that’s only before you have a fever. Then you can’t even make yourself get out of bed.’
‘It’s just a cold!’ I exclaimed.
‘Oh, and you can’t taste anything you eat either,’ Rose added. ‘It’s really annoying.’
‘Speaking of which, would you like something else to eat?’ Joe asked. ‘You didn’t eat nearly enough earlier. You must be hungry.’
‘Could we stick to the topic,please?’ I asked exasperatedly.
‘Oh, if you insist,’ he said. ‘Well, once everyone in the world is riddled with a cold, they’ll be too weak to do anything but listen to us.’
‘But why?’ Gilmore asked in a pained voice. ‘We’re supposed to be the good guys. Santa’s elves can’t be shaping Christmas one day and becoming evil villains the next!’
‘But that’s exactly the point,’ Rose replied. ‘Santa’s operations wouldn’t even exist if elves weren’t around. But he’s the only one who gets all the credit. The international media only focuses on Santa. Elves are given a minor role.’
‘We want the world to sit up and take notice of us,’ Joe said. ‘And not just the humans, but the elves too. Humans ignore us because we’re elves. Elves ignore us because we’re Australians.’
‘I don’t know what you’re complaining about,’ I said. ‘People don’t even know that Santa has a wife, let alone children. My brothers and I might as well be figments of imagination. At least everyone knows you exist.’
‘So you should join us!’ Rose said eagerly. ‘We would be more than happy to have you on board. Let the world know you cannot be ignored.’
‘But I don’t care whether people believe in me or not,’ I said.‘Besides, I wouldn’t make a very good world leader.’
‘But I would,’ a formerly-silent-but-suddenly-enthusiastic Coral said. ‘Your plan is a work of genius. It would be my pleasure to help you take over the world.’
Of course it would.
23
Reasons why Coral wou
ld make a better evil overlord than the Australian elves:
1. He dressed in black so at least he looked the part.
2. He thought everyone else was beneath him.
3. He didn’t believe in being nice to people.
4. He spoke to most people like they had the IQ of a banana.
5. He was absolutely insane.
‘You want to join our little team?’ Joe asked Coral, sounding delighted.
‘Well, I can help you with everything,’ Coral said.‘I am tremendously intelligent and good with my hands. But I do not want to manage global affairs. I only want to be in charge of Christmas.’
‘That’s a great idea!’ Rose said happily. ‘You can take care of the Christmas activities while we look after the rest of the world.’
Coral looked happier than I had ever seen him before. ‘I am so glad to have met some elves worthy of my time,’ he said, positively beaming. ‘Nobody at the North Pole appreciates my talents.’
‘Hey!’ I protested.‘I said you were smart. Didn’t Avery and I heap praise on you after Peru?’
‘You also said I was crazy,’ Coral pointed out. ‘On multiple occasions.’
I couldn’t argue with that. So I turned to the Australian elves. ‘As great as your plan sounds, we will find Dad eventually,’ I reminded them.‘What are you going to do then?’
‘It’s not like our lives were any better with Santa around,’ Joe complained. ‘Just because we live on the other side of the planet from him doesn’t mean he should ignore us.’
‘Dad doesn’t ignore you!’ I exclaimed.‘Does he?’ I asked Gilmore. I figured he would provide an unbiased view.
‘Of course he does,’ Rose said before Gilmore had a chance to reply. ‘Even the Antarcticans get treated with more respect than us. And they live even farther away than we do!’
‘Dad would never disrespect you!’ I said. ‘He respects all his elves!’ My statement sparked a heated rant by both Joe and Rose, each one interrupting the other to get their word in.
‘We aren’t even taken seriously.’
‘Our opinions are never considered.’
‘Our issues don’t matter to anyone else.’
‘The problems we face aren’t discussed, forget getting solved.’
‘And nobody even visits us.’
‘I’m visiting you!’ I exclaimed.
‘Only because you have to,’ Joe muttered darkly. ‘Everyone thinks Australia is some kind of deathtrap.’
‘You have poisonous butterflies,’ I said, which didn’t help matters.
‘Don’t even get me started on the ridiculous hype over our wildlife.’ Rose rolled her eyes. ‘You all think you’ll be eaten alive the moment you step on this continent. Well, we live here and we don’t have crocodiles attached to our feet!’
‘And what about all the news about the shark attacks?’ Joe scoffed. ‘We haven’t even had one of those for over a month!’
‘The Elf Olympics are held every four years, but do you think they have ever been held in Australia?’ Rose asked indignantly. ‘Apparently the organizers don’t want the contestants to die violently.’
Wow, these elves had some massive self-esteem issues. Their whole taking-over-the-world thing was just a huge ploy for attention. I wasn’t surprised. It didn’t look like too many people took notice of them.
‘You have been treated a bit unfairly,’ I agreed.
Joe and Rose stopped ranting.
‘But you have to understand our problem,’ I continued. ‘We were sent around the world to make sure Christmas goes along as planned. If you drop out, Christmas is doomed. It won’t matter to you, but it will be a huge blow to us. We need you.’
‘You need us?’ Rose asked, wide-eyed, as Joe looked at me like he had never heard those words before. Which, when I thought about it, was what had caused them to snap in the first place.
‘Do not listen to her,’ Coral interrupted. ‘They need you now. But what happens once Christmas is over? And what happens when they do find Douglas? Matters will remain the same around here. You will go back to being ignored.’
‘Fair point,’ I said before Rose and Joe could agree with him. ‘Even if I do promise not to neglect you and your affairs in future, Coral is right. We don’t know what will happen once we go back home.’
Coral looked triumphant.
‘Which is why I have a plan of my own,’ I added.
‘What plan?’ Joe and Rose chorused.
‘It’s Gilmore who gave me the idea, actually.’ I glanced at Gilmore and smiled. He looked back at me, mystified. ‘Remember how you told us you stayed in Egypt when you were younger?’ He nodded, still looking perplexed.
‘I propose a worldwide elf exchange programme,’ I said. All the elves looked at me, bewildered.
‘You guys have major communication problems,’ I said. ‘Nobody knows what’s going on in the rest of the elf world. The elves at the North Pole underestimated all the other elves because they hadn’t met them. The elves in Mumbai were so disconnected from everyone else that they thought we were out to take over Christmas. We didn’t even know the Egyptians had moved. And you guys feel so neglected that you want to take over the world.’
‘So how will you fix all that?’ Rose asked curiously.
‘If groups of elves can visit other countries for a few months every year, everyone wins,’ I explained.‘Everyone will be exposed to different cultures, everyone will understand different viewpoints and everyone will be able to talk about their problems.’
‘You mean we can go to the North Pole and the Pole elves can come here?’ Joe asked.
‘Not just the North Pole, but all the other factories too,’ I said.
I looked around at everyone, proud of my solution. Bean looked thrilled. Gilmore seemed pleasantly surprised. Coral looked annoyed while Joe and Rose looked back at me hopefully.
‘But who will get this exchange programme started?’ Joe asked.
‘Leave all those details up to me,’ I said confidently. ‘Being Santa’s daughter comes with certain privileges. The more important thing is, is this enough to stop your global domination scheme?’
‘Think of all the power you will be losing out on,’ Coral warned. ‘You will be in control of everything. You will not have to depend on anyone else.You will not need anyone else.’ ‘You will be feared, not respected,’ I said.‘What would you rather have?’
That sealed it. As chief elves, Joe and Rose quickly called a meeting with all the other elves in the factory. When they heard what we had to say, all of them agreed that my plan sounded much better than theirs.
‘But what about the toys?’ one of them asked. ‘We were so busy building the CFC gun that we had no time to make all the toys.’
I was stumped. I hadn’t thought of that.
‘Antarctica,’ Gilmore said simply.
Joe and Rose beamed at him. ‘Do you think there will be enough?’ Rose asked.
‘We’ll instruct all the others that nobody else is to use them,’ Gilmore answered.
‘What’s happening?’ I asked.
‘Antarctica is all but deserted,’ Gilmore explained. ‘Only a few thousand people live at the research stations there. And even fewer have their kids along.’
‘But the Antarctican factory is still a full-fledged operation,’ Joe said. ‘It’s mostly used as an emergency factory for when the others run out of toys.’
‘They’re the only factory apart from ours that has flying reindeer and a sleigh,’ Gilmore said. ‘They use them for mid-air deliveries when Santa realizes he doesn’t have enough toys for a particular country.’
I was impressed. ‘I didn’t know toy deliveries were so organized.’
Gilmore spoke to the Australian elves about coordinating with the Antarcticans. After sorting everything out, we left a happy bunch of elves behind and took off on our sleigh. We called Avery on the radio to share our thrilling news.
‘We’re coming home!’ I squealed.
‘Those elves had so much potential,’ Coral muttered disgustedly. ‘What a waste.’
‘Christmas is saved,’ Gilmore said happily.
‘That’s great,’ Avery replied.
‘Is Granddad there yet?’ I asked. ‘Did he tell you what happened to us in Mumbai?’
‘Um, yes, he’s here,’ Avery mumbled. ‘He told me everything.’
‘He can help find Dad!’ I said excitedly. ‘Avery, we completed the mission! We managed to save Christmas! And now that Granddad’s there to help us look for him, we have nothing to worry about.’
‘About that.’ Avery cleared his throat. ‘The North Pole elves have discovered that Dad’s missing.’
‘It took them long enough,’ I laughed. ‘All the other elves knew long before we got to them. How are they taking it?’
‘Not very well,’ Avery answered.‘They’ve gone on strike.’
24
Appropriate reactions to the announcement that the world as you know it has turned upside down:
1. ‘Just when I think we can sit back and relax, something else happens to ruin the day.’—Me
2. ‘But the North Pole elves are supposed to lead all the other elves by example!’—Gilmore
3. ‘We don’t need them. We can handle Christmas without their help.’—Bean
Inappropriate reactions to the announcement that the world as you know it has turned upside down:
1. ‘Lovely. No point rushing back home then. We should stop for cake.’—Coral
On a normal Christmas Eve morning, most of the elves are indoors, looking after last-minute details to ensure a trouble-free night for Dad. You can spot a few of them rushing from one building to another, delivering messages or checking to see that everything is on schedule. All the elves know exactly what they have to do. You can sense the excitement in the air. It’s the day everyone’s been working so hard all year for, and the elves love every single minute of it.
When Santa Went Missing Page 12
