Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader®

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Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader® Page 57

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  The stories of the signing had now completely overshadowed the earlier—and more significant—vote on the Declaration itself. In fact, the new view of the document completely obscured the memory that Americans had been fighting and dying for independence for a long time before. The July 2 date of the Declarations’s passage and August 2 signing were both erroneously moved in collective memory to July 4, the day Congress finalized its language (and therefore the date written on the document), and stories that were almost too clever to be true started to emerge from the new signing date: John Hancock’s announcement that he signed his name large so that King George III could read it without his spectacles (as if the king would ever have a chance to see the actual document; he read its text in memos and the London newspapers) and Hancock’s setup (“Now we must all hang together”), followed by the gallows-humor of the ever-quotable Benjamin Franklin: “Yes, we must indeed all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately.”

  Meanwhile, America’s Declaration of Independence started a whole new genre of political expression. From Albania to Vietnam, Ireland to Uzbekistan, scores of embattled revolutionaries issued their own declarations of independence, often cadging directly from the original. Jefferson would be proud.

  Expecting a call at 1 o’cluck: Phone booths in Chicken Port, Brazil, are shaped like chickens.

  METAL, PART III

  In Parts I and II (see pages 236 and 323), we told you how metals are made in nature, and how they were used by early humans. Now here’s some information about how some of the most important metals are manufactured today.

  IRON

  Iron is the most abundant metal on Earth. But like most metals, getting to it is tricky, because it’s very rarely found in a pure state in nature. It most commonly exists in iron oxides—molecules composed of iron and oxygen, which are found mixed with rock in iron ore. To get the iron, you have to get rid of the oxygen and the rock. Here’s the most common process used today:

  Preparation: After being mined, iron ore is crushed into a powder. Huge magnetic drums are then used to separate iron-poor from iron-rich ore. (The iron-rich ore sticks to the drums; the rest falls away.) The iron-rich powder is mixed with clay and made into marble-sized pellets, which are then heat-hardened. That allows for more efficient burning during the next step, smelting.

  Smelting: The pellets are smelted in a furnace along with coke—coal that has been processed into almost pure carbon—and limestone. The intense heat breaks the iron-oxygen bonds in the ore, releasing the oxygen as gas, which bonds with carbon gas being released from the burning coke to form CO2 (carbon dioxide). The CO2 escapes from the top of the furnace, and the iron, now free of the oxygen, melts (at about 2,800°F) and collects at the bottom of the furnace. The limestone also melts and bonds with impurities to form molten waste known as slag. Slag is lighter than iron, and it’s continuously removed from the top of the furnace.

  Result: The product of this process is the iron alloy pig iron. It has a relatively high carbon content of around 5 percent, which makes it very brittle, and pig iron is therefore mostly useless except in the manufacture of other iron alloys, especially steel.

  A section of northern Canada (near Hudson’s Bay) has the lowest gravity of anyplace on Earth.

  STEEL

  Today about 98 percent of pig iron produced worldwide goes into the production of steel, the most widely used metal or metal alloy in history. The process begins by pouring molten pig iron into steel furnaces, where it is treated to remove any remaining impurities, and to lower the carbon content to between 0.1 and 2 percent. That’s one of the chief characteristics of steel: All but a very few of the hundreds of different types of steel contain carbon at these levels. That reduces the brittleness, while increasing strength and hardness. Depending on the type of steel being made, different elements are then added to the mix. Two examples:

  • Manganese steel, or mangalloy, is about 13 percent manganese, which results in it being extremely impact-resistant. That makes mangalloy popular for use in mining tools, rock crushing equipment, and armor plating for military vehicles.

  • Stainless steel is actually a name for a wide range of steels, but they all have one thing in common: chromium, from about 10 to 30 percent, depending on the type. The chromium on the surface of stainless steel bonds with oxygen in the air to form a layer of chromium-oxide, which is what gives stainless steel its very hard, shiny appearance, and makes it resistant to corrosion. And if it’s damaged or scarred, the chromium re-bonds with oxygen, and a new layer forms—so it’s self-repairing. Stainless steels are used in a wide variety of products, from kitchen utensils to surgical equipment to outdoor sculpture. (It’s also 100% recyclable.)

  ALUMINUM

  The most common ore used for aluminum production is bauxite, a claylike substance that is around 50 percent alumina—aluminum bonded with oxygen. As with iron, getting to the aluminum means getting rid of the oxygen and the minerals in the ore. The process is much more complicated than iron extraction, and was only developed in the late 1800s. (Aluminum was only identified as a unique element in 1808.) The first part of the system most commonly used today is called the Bayer process, named after Austrian chemist Karl Bayer, who invented it in 1877.

  The Bayer Process: Bauxite is mined and crushed, then mixed with water and lye, and heated in tanks. This heat and lye cause the alumina in the ore to dissolve in the water, while impurities sink to the bottom. The alumina-rich water is then siphoned off and filtered to remove further impurities, and then pumped into huge precipitation tanks, where the water is allowed to precipitate away. What remains is a white crystalline powder that is about 99% alumina. The crystals are washed and allowed to dry.

  Nice gig: Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak and Vanna White work 1 week a month.

  • The next step is known as the Hall–Héroult process, named for the two chemists who developed it—independently of one another—in 1886.

  The Hall–Héroult Process: The alumina crystals (along with minerals that aid in the breakdown of alumina) are smelted at about 1,760°F in steel vats. But that’s not enough to break the aluminum-oxygen bonds in the alumina; they’re much stronger than iron-oxygen bonds. So a powerful electric current is sent through the molten material—and that causes the bonds to break. The oxygen is released as gas, and is attracted to carbon rods suspended above the molten mix, where it bonds with carbon to form CO2 gas (just like in the iron smelting process). The freed-up aluminum melts and collects at the bottom of the pot. At this point it is 99.8% pure aluminum.

  • Aluminum is used in a wide variety of applications, in its pure form (aluminum foil is made from nearly pure aluminum), and more commonly in alloys, mixed with elements such as silicon, copper, and zinc. Some are stronger than steel, and have the added benefit of being much lighter. Common uses include in cookware, soft drink cans, and automobile engine blocks.

  PLATINUM

  Platinum is a shiny, silver-white metal that is very rare and has some unique qualities: It’s one of the densest metals, yet it is very malleable; it is extremely resistant to corrosion by temperature, rust, or exposure to materials such as acids; and it has a very high melting point of 3,215°F (Gold’s melting point is just 1,064°, and iron’s is 1,535°.) Platinum does exist in pure form in nature, but it’s more commonly found mixed with other elements, including oxygen, copper, and nickel. More than 90 percent of the platinum mined in the world today comes from just four sites: three in Russia and one in South Africa. Production is quite complicated.

  Chinese wedding custom: Tossing one of a bride’s red shoes from the roof ensures happiness.

  More than ten tons of ore must be mined to make a single ounce of platinum. A brief description of the process:

  • Ore is mined, crushed to powder, and mixed with water and chemicals. Air is blown through the mix, creating bubbles—to which the tiny platinum particles stick. The bubbles rise to the surface of the tank, creating a soapy froth. The frot
h is collected, dried, and smelted at temperatures above 2,700°F. The heavier particles—the metals—sink to the bottom of the furnace. Lighter impurities collect on top of the molten metal and are removed. Complicated chemical processes are then used to separate the platinum from any copper, nickel, and other metals still present, until, finally, pure platinum is obtained.

  SHINY BITS

  • Iron ore is smelted in a blast furnace: Superheated air—up to 2,200°F—is “blasted” into the furnace, causing it to burn much hotter than it otherwise could. A typical blast furnace at a steel mill runs for 24 hours a day, 365 days a weeks, for up to 20 years, before it must be replaced.

  • Pure steel is very susceptible to rust. Galvanized steel is steel coated with zinc—which is very resistant to rust.

  • A major chemical ingredient in rubies, emeralds and sapphires: aluminum.

  • What is most of the extremely rare metal platinum used for? Catalytic converters—the devices on automobiles used to clean exhaust. Platinum is an exceptionally good catalyst: it aids in the conversion of toxic gases in exhaust, such as carbon monoxide, into non-toxic gases.

  • Platinum is extremely dense. If the two-pound paperback book you are holding right now were made of platinum, it would weigh about 48 pounds.

  • It’s a myth that there was no metalworking among Native Americans. Many tribes actually had long traditions of copper-working, especially around the Great Lakes, where the metal was naturally abundant.

  • All the platinum mined in history could fit into an average home basement.

  Termites do more damage per year in the U.S. than fires, storms, and earthquakes combined.

  FRIDAY & TUESDAY

  A couple of quick restaurant origins to go. Check, please!

  T.G.I. FRIDAY’S

  In the mid-1960s, Alan Stillman lived on Manhattan’s East Side in a neighborhood that happened to have a lot of pretty models and airline stewardesses. But Stillman, a bachelor, was having trouble meeting them. Local bars were full of “guys drinking beer,” and cocktail parties, where women did go, were by invitation only. Stillman wanted a public place where men and women could mingle, drink, and get a good burger. So he scraped together $10,000, bought an old corner bar, revamped it into a restaurant decorated with red and white stripes, and called the place T.G.I. Friday’s. “My timing was exquisite,” he said, “because I opened in 1965, the year the Pill was invented. I hit the sexual revolution on the head. It was the first singles bar.” Stillman had opened a dozen T.G.I. Friday’s by 1971, when he sold the chain for $1 million. He then opened Smith & Wollensky’s Steakhouses (two names he picked at random from the phone book), which he still runs. Today there are 900 Friday’s locations.

  RUBY TUESDAY

  In 1971 Sandy Beall, a University of Tennessee student, got a job at a Pizza Hut. Turns out Beall had a knack for the food business. Under the tutelage of his boss, William Kholmia, he was soon managing three Pizza Huts. Then tragedy struck—Kholmia suffered a massive heart attack. On his deathbed, he promised to leave Beall $10,000 to open his own restaurant. “A Pizza Hut?” asked Beall. “No,” said his mentor, “do your own thing.” Beall didn’t know what kind of restaurant to open, so he drove to New York City for inspiration. There he discovered T.G.I. Friday’s, and knew that was the kind of restaurant he wanted. So he went back to Knoxville and, with the help of four friends, converted a farmhouse into a full-service burgers-and-beer joint. Today it’s Ruby Tuesday, Inc.—a casual-dining giant with 800 locations. (The name “Ruby Tuesday” comes from a Rolling Stones song, but not because Beall was a Stones fan—one of his fraternity brothers came up with the name. “I wasn’t that hip,” Beall admitted.)

  Not too pious: Pope Pius II wrote an erotic novel.

  MORE STRANGE

  LAWSUITS

  A few more unusual legal battles.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Jimmy A. Bell, a lawyer

  THE DEFENDANT: Rich’s Nail Salon in Landover, Maryland

  THE LAWSUIT: On the way to dinner in fall 2010, Bell and a female friend decided to stop at Rich’s salon to get manicures. When the bill came, Bell was charged $1 more than his friend. “Why am I paying more?” he asked. He claims they told him, “Because you’re a man.” Believing that his civil rights had been violated, Bell sued the salon for $200,000. “They didn’t measure my hands or my nails to see if it’s more work,” he argued. “They made a distinction based solely on the fact that I’m a man.”

  THE VERDICT: This nail-biter was settled out of court “to the satisfaction to both parties.”

  THE PLAINTIFF: Dennis Gaede, a prison inmate

  THE DEFENDANT: North Dakota State Penitentiary

  THE LAWSUIT: Gaede alleged that while he was eating a breaded oyster in the prison’s cafeteria in 2010, a piece of shell cracked one of his teeth. He asked the prison’s dentist to perform a root canal and put a crown on the damaged tooth, but the dentist simply pulled the tooth. So Gaede, who is serving a life sentence for killing and dismembering a man, sued the prison for $75,000, claiming “cruel and unusual punishment.”

  THE VERDICT: Case dismissed.

  THE PLAINTIFF: Lauren Rosenberg of Los Angeles

  THE DEFENDANT: Google Maps and Patrick Harwood, a motorist in Park City, Utah

  THE LAWSUIT: In January 2009, Rosenberg was visiting Park City and decided to take a walk through town. Using her Black-Berry, she downloaded walking directions from Google Maps, which led her to a busy highway with no sidewalk. Because she arrived at the road early in the morning, it was still dark out, and she couldn’t tell whether there was a sidewalk on the other side. She crossed, only to discover that not only was there no sidewalk; there was a big wall just off the road. She was stuck. Before she could get back to the other side of the road, Harwood, who was driving to work, hit her. Rosenberg is seeking $100,000 from both Google Maps and Harwood for “severe injuries and emotional distress.”

  President John Adams once got lost in the woods while trying to find the White House.

  THE VERDICT: The case was pending as of press time, but it’s not as clear-cut as you might think. Although Google Maps displays a warning on its web page—“This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths”—that warning did not show up on Rosenberg’s small BlackBerry screen. Even so, she questions why would Google call it a “walking route” if there was no sidewalk. If she can prove that Google and Harwood were 51 percent responsible for her injuries, she’ll get some money. If not, she’ll get nothing.

  UPDATE: In May 2011, the court ruled that Google Maps was not responsible for Rosenberg’s injuries. That part of the case was dismissed, but she is still trying to sue Harwood.

  HISTORY QUIZ

  Q: What’s the historical significance of the following sentence?

  Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologising old man-trap!

  A: It was the cue to kill a president. On April 14, 1865, John Wilkes Booth, himself an actor, knew that particular line—from the 1858 play Our American Cousin by English playwright Tom Taylor—would cause such uproarious laughter at Ford’s Theater in Washington, D.C., that no one in the audience would hear him shoot Abraham Lincoln. He was wrong—the shot was heard, and a scuffle ensued. Booth broke his foot after jumping from the balcony. He escaped, but was captured later.

  NASA’s all-time total budget: $823 billion, a little less than the 2009 stimulus package.

  NIXON’S LIST

  As 1972 approached, President Richard Nixon started to get more and more concerned about his coming reelection campaign. He became convinced that his political adversaries weren’t just opponents—they were “enemies” and had to be stopped. He and his advisers compiled this list of 20 public figures who they felt could hurt them in some way. Were they ever really threats to Nixon? Probably not, but Nixon thought so, which makes this piece of history all the more fascinating.

  “ON SCREWING OUR POLITICAL ENEMIES”

  In 1972 five men were caug
ht breaking into Democratic National Committee headquarters in the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C. The culprits turned out to have ties to high-level members of both the Republican Party and the Nixon administration. The Congressional investigation that followed unraveled the Nixon presidency, exposing the systematic way Nixon abused power and attempted to destroy his enemies (real and imagined), eventually leading to his resignation in order to avoid impeachment.

  One year before Nixon’s resignation, on June 27, 1973, White House counsel John Dean testified before Congress about possible connections between the Nixon administration and the Watergate burglars’ plan to steal information damaging to Democratic candidates. Dean mentioned that in 1971 he’d received a memo titled “On Screwing Our Political Enemies.” Written by Charles Colson, another Nixon attorney, the memo was a list of people singled out as those most threatening to Nixon’s career. The memo detailed how the White House planned to go about discrediting Nixon’s opponents, which included anyone trying to run against him and any reporter who’d given him unfavorable coverage. The goal: to ruin every person on that list with a campaign of rumors, character assassination, and even IRS audits.

  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

  The fact that there was a list was pretty much all Dean said about it. He didn’t mention any names, although he did turn the memo over to the Senate as evidence. Daniel Schorr, the CBS reporter covering the hearings, wasn’t satisfied—he wanted to see the list. He requested a copy of the memo from the Congressional press office the same day Dean talked about it. That night, as Schorr was delivering a live report on the CBS Evening News, an assistant handed him the memo, with its list of 20 targets. Schorr then read it live on the air. Among the names on the list, to Schorr’s surprise, was Schorr himself. Here’s a look at all the entrants on Nixon’s “Enemies List,” in the order that they were listed on the memo, from Enemy #1 down.

 

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