by Kitt, Sandra
Lee cleared his throat.
“The department is not very good about following up on civilians who’ve gotten hurt because of some sort of police action,” he said. “I guess I wanted to see how you’re doing. I found out yesterday that you’d been released from the hospital. Is there anything I can do?”
She was staring calmly at him. It was disconcerting. Lee couldn’t help feeling that she was seeing inside his mind, and that at any moment, in a fit of rage and recognition, she was going to accuse him.
“Why?”
“Excuse me?” Lee asked, confused.
“Why do you feel you should do something? Why do you care?”
“Well… would you rather I didn’t? Or that the department ignored you?”
“I would have preferred not to have been shot. But since that’s out of my hands, I guess I’m just surprised. Sorry, but your concern doesn’t seem very… policelike. I guess I should be… pleased,” Carol said tentatively.
Lee felt very hot. In need of water. Cold air.
“Maybe you won’t think so when I’m finished,” he said.
Carol immediately noticed the change in his voice and the stark uncertainty in his eyes. It was not the first time she’d seen confusion reflected there.
“What?” Carol asked, encouraging him to continue.
“Do you remember anything about what happened that night?”
She shook her head. “I’ve already told the other officers that…”
“No,” Lee interrupted, his voice quiet but firm. “I’m asking you to tell me what you remember.”
She resisted. She didn’t want to remember any more of that night. The mere mention of it was enough to start a peculiar tightening of her muscles. She clasped her hands together.
“It… everything happened so fast.”
“I know.”
Again Carol shook her head after a long moment. “I can’t. I’m sorry. There’s just not enough coming back clearly. I remember Max barking because of the two men. One of them shot him. Then… and… and then gunshots…” She looked at Lee with regret. “I’m sorry.”
Lee nodded, disappointed but not surprised. It might still be too early for her memories of that morning to return. She’d never lost consciousness after she went down, and the details might eventually come back. “Don’t worry about it.”
He forced himself to continue. “I’ve seen the preliminary ballistics report on the bullets and casings recovered that morning. The lab is pretty sure they’ve found the bullet that struck you down. And I believe… it could have been fired from my gun.”
Carol stared at him, unblinking, for a very long moment. Her stomach muscles cramped tightly with the implication of Lee’s confession. Her first thoughts were of the possible headlines if this information became known. She wanted to be enraged. But she already knew too much about Lee Grafton to have such a knee-jerk reaction.
“I… thought so,” she said quietly, even though Lee’s announcement hit her nerve ends.
She waited for indignation to grip her for what he had done to her, but she simply didn’t feel it. Instead, she felt a burden settle on her, the injured party. Would her knowledge of Lee Grafton’s role that night somehow make her an accomplice? Should she get angry at him?
What would be the point?
“How did you know?” Lee asked.
She shrugged. “The first time you came to the hospital I took your visit at face value. To me you were just another cop checking me out. The second time was too much of a coincidence. Look, you’re a white cop who took the time to see a black woman who was shot. Were you afraid that I’d think what happened was a racist police action?”
“Did you?”
“You already know the answer to that. You knew it before you took a chance on coming to see me. You knew it when my parents arrived at the hospital and you saw that we weren’t your ordinary garden-variety family. You did notice, right?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Good. I hate it when people pretend to be color-blind. Anyway, I figured you had to have been there that morning. It was the only explanation that made sense.”
Her calm acceptance threw him off. Then again, nothing of what he had seen of her had been predictable. He was thinking that there were probably a few other reasons why he’d gone to see her. And they had nothing to do with Carol Taggart being black or being a victim.
“Why didn’t you say anything to me? Ask me flat out?” he asked.
“Maybe I didn’t want to know,” Carol said smoothly. “What could I say that you didn’t already know? You made a big mistake that morning. Anyway, I had a lot to think about myself, and none of it had to do with you.”
“Mind if I ask… like what?”
Her gaze drifted away from him. “Like… being very grateful that I wasn’t killed. Maybe it wasn’t my time. Maybe it was luck. Maybe you’re a bad shot.”
Lee felt his insides churn. Thank God I wasn’t a better one that morning.
“This is going to sound crazy, Lieutenant…”
“Lee,” he interrupted. “Call me Lee.”
“All right. Lee. But I think that what I went through might have been a blessing in disguise.”
He frowned. “I thought for sure you’d take what I had to say a lot differently.”
“Then why did you want to tell me? Trying to ease your conscience?”
“Yes, I think so,” Lee responded truthfully.
“Knowing the truth doesn’t change anything. Anyway, you know as well as I do that your department is going to back you up,” Carol said.
That did concern him. Not that they would, but that it wouldn’t have erased his knowledge of what he’d done. Lee ran his hand over his hair.
“I can’t really talk about what the department is doing,” he said uneasily. “I’m taking a chance in even talking with you. It’s strictly against the rules But I… I felt I had to. It was an accident.”
He was not pleading for understanding or forgiveness, Carol recognized. He wasn’t spilling his guts in an effort to absolve himself as far as she could tell. Lee Grafton was simply being honest. Now that he had it didn’t even surprise her. But it was going to cost them both.
“I tried to get away when I heard the gunfire,” Carol murmured.
“That morning was a cop’s worst nightmare. We train all the time on how not to hurt people.”
“I wish I’d been somewhere else, too,” Carol said. “And I don’t know if it would be any easier if there was someone to blame.” Spontaneously she reached out to touch Lee’s shoulder. “Thank you for having the guts to come and tell me.”
He was surprised and comforted by her touch. But that didn’t mean he was ready to forgive himself. Carol Taggart was prepared to go on with her life. It was time that he moved on as well. But he had no clear idea of where he was headed. All Lee knew was that life wasn’t going to be the same.
“Is everything going to be all right with you?” he asked.
She frowned, gnawing on the inside of her lower lip. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I feel funny sometimes. I feel… like I’m starting all over again. There’s something about me that’s different.” Her eyes were wide and questioning and bewildered. “Something happened when the doctors were working on me in the emergency room. I saw myself… I was…” Carol stopped abruptly.
Lee sensed her withdrawal, saw her face change as she decided to keep to herself what she’d been about to reveal. He wasn’t surprised. Why should she trust or confide in him?
“When will you go back to work?” he asked to break the silence.
“Day after tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I miss my classes.”
Lee nodded, glancing around the art-filled walls of her apartment.
“You have nice stuff,” he commented. “Is all this work yours?”
“No, not all of it. I exchange with other art teachers and friends whose work I admire. It’s a cheap way of building up a collection.” She st
udied him with more interest. “Didn’t you tell me that your daughter is into art?”
“Yes, that’s right.” Lee pulled back the sleeve of his coat to expose the braid on his wrist. “She made this for me.
Carol leaned forward to examine it. “It’s like macramé. How old did you say she was?”
“Fifteen. She lives with her mother. I’m divorced.”
Carol nodded. “Well, this certainly is not official talk, is it? Is this a plot to get me to forget about filing a lawsuit?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you did file,” he finally said. “I don’t think I’d blame you, either. That’s not what this visit is about. Besides, I don’t think you could be bought so cheaply.”
“Thank you. Matt thinks I should sue.”
“Why? Does he have a stake in a claim?”
“He says he’s watching out for my best interests. As if I don’t know how to take care of myself. Anyway, I was only making a bad joke.” Carol looked down at her hands as she clasped and unclasped them in her lap. She shrugged lightly. “I could always use the money, of course, but I’m too young to retire and become a woman of leisure.”
Lee didn’t answer. Suddenly Carol Taggart smiled, somewhat sadly, and looked up at him.
“Thanks for stopping by. It means a lot that you took the time. That you really seem to care.”
“It’s the least I could do,” Lee murmured, not feeling the slightest bit noble.
“And if I decide to sue, you won’t take it personally?”
It was hard to tell if she was teasing or not, but she’d hit a nerve nonetheless. He shook his head. “I won’t take it personally. I’m glad you’re okay.”
Not being able to think of anything else to say, Lee got up to leave. He didn’t want to push his luck, yet he found himself searching for a reason to stay longer.
Lee shifted awkwardly for a moment. Finally, he nodded to her.
“Well… take care.”
He headed to the door of her apartment.
Carol remained seated, watching him as he zippered his coat. He bent to retrieve the envelope he’d brought with him.
He looked at it uncertainly for a moment. He glanced at her, his penetrating gaze considering. Then he returned to her and held out the envelope.
“I did have another reason for stopping by. I thought you might like to have this back.”
Surprised, Carol took the envelope and looked into his face for some clue as to what he was giving her. She lifted the flap and withdrew a black plastic case that housed a retractable leash. Max’s leash. She carefully examined it, as if seeing it for the first time, and was flooded by memories.
“I intercepted it as it was about to be sent down to our property office,” he explained. “I know it’s small comfort for the loss of your dog.”
She remained silent, not looking at him.
Lee was about to wish her well again and say goodbye, but it seemed superfluous. Feeling foolish, he went back to the door and opened it. He cast one final glance over his shoulder.
“I guess I should say thank you.”
He barely heard her, but the words cut right through him. He walked out the door and pulled it closed behind him. It hadn’t quite shut all the way when he stopped… and listened. He heard a sound. A quiet sob. She was crying. He stood poised, indecisive. This was the moment to get out while the getting was good. But he didn’t take it.
He clenched his fist at his side. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back toward the door, to what sounded like her heart breaking.
“Damn…” Lee muttered under his breath. He pushed the door open and went back inside.
She was sitting in the same position, holding the leash clutched against her chest with both hands. Her shoulders shook with her sobs. Lee watched helplessly for a moment, with no idea of what he should do… except that he couldn’t walk away.
The sobs had become a kind of sniffling. Her face was distorted with pain, wet with tears.
“Oooh… God…” Carol cried. “Please… it hurts so much…” She trailed off in a small voice.
“Carol…” He approached her, bending over to touch her shoulder. He felt both her strength and her vulnerability. “Come on… it’s going to be okay.”
“What am I going to do?” Carol whispered as she struggled for breath.
Lee sat down on the coffee table. He leaned forward between his spread knees and took hold of her wrists. He tried to take the leash from her hands, but was surprised by the power behind her resistance. She wasn’t going to let go.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Carol, I’m only going to put this on the table.”
She held her body rigid, crying all the while but less violently now. Lee applied firm yet gentle force as he realized he would have to pry Carol’s hands loose from the leash.
“Oh, Max…”
The hurt seem to spread through her body, sweeping up every moment of her life in which she’d felt alone. She had a strange floating sensation about her existence. The past had been uprooted, and she had no idea what kind of future she would have. Nothing seemed sure or solid or real anymore.
Lee got the leash away from her and tossed it onto the sofa. He turned back to her and held her forearms, making her face him. “You’re going to be okay,” he told her. He was speechless at the emotions so clearly reflected in her features. He shook her arms gently. “Carol… please stop.” He needed her to stop.
He was so close that he could hear her shallow breaths. Her skin had a faint rose color under the brown tones. He was so close that when she dropped her head again it butted against his shoulder. He found himself automatically circling her with one arm and slowly rubbing a hand up and down her back. She jerked once under his touch. He’d inadvertently brushed over the exit wound, he realized.
“I’m… so sorry, Carol,” Lee murmured in a ragged voice. “I swear to God, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
They remained like that for only a few moments. Her sobs grew quiet now. Lee cupped his other hand to the back of her head, encouraging her to rest her forehead on his shoulder.
He felt very strange holding and comforting her. It was so personal. Beyond the call of duty. He moved his fingers against her scalp, testing the texture of her soft hair. She didn’t object. Gradually, she stopped crying. Lee took her weight as she allowed herself to relax against him. She was thin but strong, and he sensed she could be tough if she had to. The fact that she had let her guard down with him confused him. He wasn’t sure what to make of her trust, if that’s what this was.
I did this, he berated himself. He’d torn through this woman’s life, leaving a trail of destruction. She might accept his apology, his confession, but did that mean she would forgive him?
Lee realized that his cheek was actually resting against hers. He was relieved that she was quiet now, but he was also glad that he hadn’t left her. He was drawing as much comfort from her as he was giving.
Carol began to withdraw, sliding her cheek against his and maintaining contact for a titillating moment. And then they were gazing into each other’s eyes, mere inches separating them. Lee could see how her tears had clumped her lashes together. He smelled something delicious on her skin.
Carol blinked and lowered her gaze. Not so much with confusion as with unexpected awareness.
“You haven’t let yourself cry since it happened,” he guessed.
“I was too numb.”
Lee cupped her neck, his thumb stroking her face near her ear. “Then you were overdue. Are you done, or would you like to go at it some more?”
The question made her mouth quiver, but she only shook her head.
There was no way to know what might have happened next. There was still just enough uncertainty between them that neither wanted to be first to take the next step. And the moment hung in the air, waiting for one of them to move. Make a decision. Take a chance.
And then it was too late.
When a key rattled in
the lock of the door, only Lee seemed to be aware of it. He glanced awkwardly over his arm as the door opened and a man entered. He was a big man, stocky and solid. His skin was ruddy from the cold, although most of his face was covered by a neatly trimmed gray beard. He stared in obvious surprise and confusion at the sight of Lee holding Carol, and she letting him.
“Who are you? What’s going on here?” the man asked Lee. “Carol, are you okay? I got a call from Matt…”
Lee gently pushed Carol away, as he stood up to face the man. “I’m Lieutenant Lee Grafton, NYPD.”
“Police?” He held out his hand. “Wesley Taggart. I’m Carol’s brother.”
“God almighty, Carol.” Wesley shook his head, lamenting her tale of near death. “You still manage to get into the damndest trouble. How do you do it? Jesus H. Christ!”
“Don’t blaspheme. You know Dad doesn’t like it,” Carol murmured.
She was curled up on the sofa, holding the dog leash in her lap. It was a painful reminder of Max and the shooting, but she was very grateful to Lee for returning it. She frowned, recalling his departure twenty minutes ago, just after Wesley had entered using the set of keys he’d insisted on keeping. Lee had declined to stay.
For reasons that had nothing to do with Wesley, Carol was glad that Lee had left. Something had happened between them in those few moments before Wesley had arrived.
She was certain that Lee had left feeling as confused as she did, but he’d been cool about it—accepting the introduction to Wesley with no expression, briefly explaining his visit and then discreetly backing off when it was clear that Wesley had not yet heard the full details of her accident. Now that Lee was gone, Carol couldn’t focus on what her brother was saying. She felt very spacey, and intensely curious about what might have happened if Wesley hadn’t arrived when he did.
Wes sat shaking his head in disbelief. “I guess I don’t need to ask how Mom and Dad reacted.”
“No, you don’t,” Carol whispered. Her brother sighed. “I know what you’re thinking. But this time it was different, Wes. I know I used to do dumb things to push their buttons, but I’d like to think I’ve outgrown that.”
“Good. Even you aren’t self-destructive enough to get involved with drug dealers and street criminals.” Wesley sighed, watching her with a great deal of affection. “And I hope they’ve learned that just because they love you doesn’t mean they can protect you from the world or yourself.”
